Project: Recovery

So there are definitely exams I could be studying for, papers I could be writing, and books I could be reading...however I was feeling a little down so I decided that updating the blog would be a good idea, since it usually puts me in a good mood (that, and all the amazing comments I receive from you guys!!!)

This past weekend has probably been one of the best weekends since I got to UConn...maybe even since last year! It was Halloween weekend, as you all know, but the last thing I wanted to do was have a repeat of last year (lame party, cold weather, slight panic attack) so I was determined to enjoy myself this weekend. It started off on a good foot- my sister and her boyfriend came up and finally met John! The four of us hung out (AKA went to walmart) and it was cute.

Saturday I got to see my girl Libby!!!


Her dogs were a part of a doggy Halloween costume contest. Cute, yes. Corny? Absolutely! But we paraded around and got caught up...so it was nice!

The major event took place on Sunday though. In the past, my Eating Disorder has caused me to become extremely timid and unsocial. Isolating myself seemed more appealing than going out and not being liked by other people. However, John wanted me to meet his family on Sunday. That meant actually traveling to his town, to his house, to meet HIS family- a group of people who I absolutely CARED about what they thought. He's extremely close to them, and I was terrified that they would dislike me.

Well...turns out they actually loved me! And seriously, I felt like a part of the family the moment I walked in. He has 6 cats, 2 skinks, and a snake! I held all of them, chatted with his parents and his sister, and simply enjoyed the company and enjoyed getting to know people who could potentially become a big part in my life. It was a risk...but I took it, and I feel stronger than ever!

That, and the following, are both reasons for my title- Project: Recovery. In my last post I listed things that I was going to try to do...including daily fear foods, no more calorie counting, and being more spontaneous. I think this weekend was risky enough to be considered spontaneous...but how about those fear foods?




Saturday John and I made cupcakes...and not just ANY cupcakes, but PB&J cupcakes. Oh...yes we did! They came out one notch below incredible! (the jelly sank to the bottom =/ ) But let me tell you something girls, after working so hard to make these, nothing felt more rewarding than being able to sit down with him and eat one. Fear food #1- complete.

On Sunday he decided to surprise me by taking me to a coffee shop near his home. I can officially say this was the best coffee house I've been too. My photo's are terrible since they were taken on my phone, but I listened to LAURA and got what I wanted- a MEDIUM soy MOCHA latte. Hell fucking yes. DELISH!!



Worth. Every. Sweet. Creamy. Caffeinated. Sip.
Fear food #2- completed!!

Cupcakes and mocha latte's aren't really on the TOP of my fear food list...more like, high avoidance foods. But regardless, I'm not going to make it seem less significant than it is, because it sure felt significant!!!

And, for good measure, here are a few more pictures from this weekend-







So girls, I encourage you to bite the bullet- take the leap- don't hold back. Because every day that you hold back, you are preventing yourself from truly living your life. Eating fear foods, not calorie counting, being spontaneous- this might have left me feeling anxious, but the feelings of happiness FAR outweighed any negative emotion.

Stay strong girls. Believe.

EDITED
It's giveaway time!

Want to try some of Penny's Lowfat desserts?!

I've been lying to myself.

I'm about halfway through with Goodbye Ed, Hello Me...and I have to say, there have been a few things in there that have made me question myself, and truly think about whether or not I have been wanting to recover.

The conclusion I have made- I have wanted to, but have not been willing to. I would tell everyone that I was trying, preach stories about wanting a better life, not caring what my body looks like, and that I CAN and WOULD recover. But the problem with this is that I wasn't willing to do what it takes. I wasn't willing to make the effort. I would sit around saying I was trying to gain weight...but I wasn't taking the initiative to consistently eat more. I would sit around and say that I want to be more social, more spontaneous- but when opportunities arose I would make excuses, and put them off for another time. Well...that time is NOW because I am tired of this. I can't live with this shit forever, and I WON'T! I need to make changes...LIFE changes, not "today's change" or "this meals change". I want my old self back , and if that means sitting through some pretty fucking uncomfortable moments then bring. it. on.

Things I am going to do:
-decrease my diet soda intake
-decrease/eventually stop weighing myself
-stop counting calories!!!
-listen to my body...TRUST my body
-stop rituals around food- eat like a normal person
-include at least one "unsafe" food into my diet each day...EVERY day.
-be consistent with all of these.

What I have been doing is telling people that I ate unsafe foods...but I would still count calories so I knew nothing would happen. Or I would stop weighing myself, but decrease my calories so I KNEW I didn't gain weight. Do you see a pattern? I supplement one behavior to make sure a "lost" one doesn't have an effect. Fucking useless...that's what it is!

So starting right now...I'm stopping all of those. I want to learn to trust my body and eat intuitively. I want to be healthy, and happy, and live a life free of doctors appointments, worried phone calls from my mom, and free of an eating disorder.

I want to be happy. And I am finally willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.

Gifts

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to type....but the past few days have been FULL of little things that make me BEAM with happiness. Let me begin--

Things to be happy about...

Gifts from friends



Inspirational Quotes



Candy Apple making and Country Stores





Coffee...Coffee...Coffee...


Fall's colorful effect at UConn








The complexity of simplicity.








Fall Flowers






<3

Little Rhodey

Hello Hello!!
I'm amazed by how much feedback I received on the Cheerio ad! A part of me was worried that I was "looking too deep into it" or "over-reacting", but hearing your responses confirmed that the ad was, in fact, an absolutely terrible way to market a product....especially a company that is THOUGHT to promote healthy living. You can be sure that both my mother and I sent complaint emails to the company. I felt it was needed.

Anyways...judging by the title you could have probably guessed that I spent my weekend at home in little 'ol Rhode Island. I'm not going to lie, I absolutely LOVE visiting home...especially during this time of year. There are just so many things to do, and see, and coffee to drink, and family to visit, and gosh...the list goes on. This weekend, however, included INSANE amounts of shopping! You'll be seeing new clothes as time ticks away....but until then, I also colored my hair:


My hair isn't actually as dark as the picture makes it seem...but, I'm thinking that darker might be better next time around!

Here are also some pictures I took around my casa...please excuse my attempts to be somewhat artistic. IE the weird angles. (Oh, and blogger makes my pictures grainy! No fair...)













Can you tell I absolutely love that tree? It just blows my mind with how colorful it becomes in the fall!

As for everything else this weekend...I wish I had more thumbs to raise up, because it was incredible. I ate better than I have since CEDC days, I went to my favorite country store with my dad, to a consignment shop with my mom, shopping with my sister, and basically just enjoyed myself! I made candy apples, drank coffee from 5 different coffee houses (none of which were 'the bucks'), and actually relaxed. Anxiety was controlled, ED was hushed, and LAURA was here.

<3

Is it just me..

or does this bother anyone else?

New Foods New Moods.

Hello Hello!!
Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately...in fact, I may or may not have had a dream last night with a few of you in it! No worries, it was PG =P

Anyways! Saturday John and I made a trip up to Whole Foods just for the hell of it. I FINALLY found two things I have been searching high and low for-

Mmmm!! John and I split this as soon as we stepped foot out of the store. Initially I couldn't really taste the difference between this and the PBCookie flavor, but a few seconds later the cherry flavor hit and everyone who said this tastes just like a PB&J is right. Good stuff!




StoneyFields Seasonal Pumpkin Pie flavored yogurt!!! I added some Kashi honey sunshine to add a mock "crust" and mmmm did it deliver! Fun fact though- I actually DON'T like pumpkin pie!! I just like pumpkin pie flavored things!

Speaking of pumpkin flavored things-my pumpkin spice coffee consumption is starting to become a problem...



But, if it helps at all...I got it at a cafe called Jitters....which I think is cute.


Sorry about the terrible phone pictures...my camera is simply too large to lug around campus with me...verizon to the rescue!!


Oh, and how great is this!? My school is celebrating "fat talk free week". I haven't had time to stop at any of the tables set up yet, but I will as soon as I can!

Sorry my posts have been all over the place lately. It basically mirrors how I've been feeling. While I think of what to type next, take a look at some of these pictures I took around campus-















I just adore this season.
One thing that I'm not so fond of however, is how my mood has been lately. Eating-wise I've been eating enough, but not enough of what I SHOULD be. Once again I'm stuck in a rut, and I can tell that my body is not liking it. The scale says I'm doing well, so my doctor thinks I am- but I am a firm believer that the scale can not measure your recovery. I'm tired and cranky and finding myself having OCD tendencies. Luckily, I'm aware of this so I can take action before things get out of control.

Otherwise everything is going well. Bonus points and extra credit keep popping up in my classes, and I met with my advisor for next semester and I am SO excited! I am going to have classes Mon-Thur and then all day friday I will be doing field work for a park or refuge, and will get 3 credits for doing so. Sounds like a good way to spend a day to me!! =)

______
Oh, and check out this giveaway!
anddd this one too!
One more?

Oh life..

I think this is the most I've updated in a LONG time! I realized that I truly love to blog, but don't like to focus a lot of attention on food/my eating disorder. I know I really shouldn't have to ask this, but does that bother anyone? I'll definitely be touching upon those things seeing as they both play a role in my life (eating disorder RECOVERY that is!!), but for now I'm just going to blog about my life.

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for the recommendations about what to do with John. One thing that I didn't mention was that I'm not actually friends with my suitemate...just acquaintances. In fact...I don't agree with a lot of things she does, so all we really do is share a bathroom. I really don't want to hurt her though...


With that being said, she still doesn't have much of an idea...and I don't know how to bring it up! I will eventually though, because as of last night I am (as my best friend says) Laura plus one.

He took me to Starbucks and then back to his dorm yesterday, and at some point switched the cup he was holding and asked if I wanted a sip. I took the cup from him and THIS is what I found:


Cute huh? He officially asked me if I would be his girlfriend, and as corny as it was- how could I say no to someone who knows me well enough to ask me out with a Starbucks cup? =P





He also got me an ENTIRE bouquet of pink roses...which can sort of be seen in the background. The single rose, and one which wouldn't fit in the vase are sitting on my desk =]

Don't worry though...he knows about the blog, and knows I talk about him. Actually, today he asked me what the "blog people" think about the situation. I told him that I hadn't officially informed everyone yet...but I was going to!

It's nice though...I wake up in the morning and don't immediately think about food. In fact, I think about him more than I think about eating/body image/the gym now. It's incredible yet terrifying. I am always afraid of opening up to someone because I'm scared of getting hurt. I guess it's too late now though...I just need to relax and enjoy having someone who cares so much about me and who I have such an amazing time with!!

Oh, by the way...it SNOWED it Connecticut yesterday & today!! Crazy stuff huh?!



As for tonight...I'm a driver for a program here at UConn called Guard Dogs. Basically, it's a "no questions asked" safe ride home put on by the school, so I'll be out and about until about 3am. Needless to say, the kid I'm riding with better be up for lots and lots of coffee =]