So I realized yesterday after hearing from so many people that they didn't know I worked at PBread, that I haven't really shared "my story" with you....AKA, my past history with ED.
First, my sandwich today. Tofurkey, Lettuce and Tomato on...guess what kind of bread? That's right, my favorite, Panera Bread Whole Grain!!
Okay...I don't want to ramble...but as you all should know by now, that tends to be my specialty ;-)
Well let's see. Entering high school I was a pretty serious swimmer, during the summer I would go to 2- sometimes THREE practices a day. Every since I had hit puberty I was always swimming, and eating like a swimmer. My sister was also an AMAZING swimmer. She's three years older than me and still holds the record for the 50 free at our highschool. My family paid a lot of attention to her because of how great she was at the sport, so I felt as if I needed to swim in order to "fit in".
I don't want to say my highest weight, but it was in the 80th percentile for girls my age at 14. However, the doctor said most of it was muscle. I WAS a swimmer =]. Well, when I turned 15 my sister left for college, and all of a sudden the focus of my mom and dad was on me. I continued swimming, but once winter rolled around I decided to go on a "ten day diet". I wanted to be JUST like my sister (who was always more toned and thin than I was). She was average weight for her age, and gorgeous in my opinion. Well...ten days went by and I found myself unable to stop the diet. My parents were EXTREMELY controlling at the time, and this was my way of being in control. I loved it. But I hated it.
I hit the weight of my sister...and still couldn't stop. I lost my period, and found myself unable to make it through swim practices anymore. I would just stand in the water, shivering and exhausted.
This is also when I began losing circulation in my hands and feet. My mom decided it was time to get me checked, and brought me to my pediatrician where he referred me to an eating disorder specialist in Providence. I went the next week and was admitted to the hospital immediately.
I stayed at the Hasbro Children's Hospital in Providence for one week. I refused to admit that I had an Eating Disorder, and none of my friends knew where I was. I was there over spring break, and spent Easter laying in the hospital bed. I was discharged exactly one week after being admitted.
I was doing well under my parents very watchful eye for about 7 months. Until I met my soon-to-be boyfriend who thought he ruled the world. He thought he could fix me, but ended up making things worse. My heart rate was slowing down again during that winter, and the clinic I go to wanted to send me to an Outpatient program, called PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). But my boyfriend didn't want to "lose" me for 3 weeks. So he decided to wait for me at the top of the street on the morning I was supposed to go. He "ran away" with me, scaring my parents, and angerring my doctors.
I never ended up going.
A year passed and I had my ups and downs. Then winter rolled around, and I started going downhill again. Nothing was put into action though because of my very stubborn history, and I simply began getting weekly checkups at the Clinic.
Well...nothing happened until last summer, where my parents sat me down and told me that if I didn't attend PHP, that they wouldn't sign the papers to send me to college. So I went, for one week, still working at night (I had been working for a little over a year at Panera at this point) and realized that this program was made for younger kids. I didn't talk to my parents the ENTIRE time I was there. I came home in tears, upset that they sent me, and even MORE angered by the fact that they didn't believe me that it wasn't helping (it wasn't.) I ended up writing them a three page letter explaining why this program was not for me. My mom doesn't really listen to me when I talk...she never has, so letters are the only way I can communicate how I feel to her. Well...this one worked, and I was pulled out of the program.
Since then I've had a slightly better relationship with my mother. My dad and I have always gotten along, but he tries to ignore the ED thing. My mom has eased back on her control issues, but is still very difficult to talk to. With winter approaching and my past history with going downhill during this time, I'm a little scared. I feel ED getting strong but I'm trying to fight because I really want to get better!