Thursday, December 18, 2008

My Story

So I realized yesterday after hearing from so many people that they didn't know I worked at PBread, that I haven't really shared "my story" with you....AKA, my past history with ED.

First, my sandwich today. Tofurkey, Lettuce and Tomato on...guess what kind of bread? That's right, my favorite, Panera Bread Whole Grain!!

Okay...I don't want to ramble...but as you all should know by now, that tends to be my specialty ;-)

Well let's see. Entering high school I was a pretty serious swimmer, during the summer I would go to 2- sometimes THREE practices a day. Every since I had hit puberty I was always swimming, and eating like a swimmer. My sister was also an AMAZING swimmer. She's three years older than me and still holds the record for the 50 free at our highschool. My family paid a lot of attention to her because of how great she was at the sport, so I felt as if I needed to swim in order to "fit in".

I don't want to say my highest weight, but it was in the 80th percentile for girls my age at 14. However, the doctor said most of it was muscle. I WAS a swimmer =]. Well, when I turned 15 my sister left for college, and all of a sudden the focus of my mom and dad was on me. I continued swimming, but once winter rolled around I decided to go on a "ten day diet". I wanted to be JUST like my sister (who was always more toned and thin than I was). She was average weight for her age, and gorgeous in my opinion. Well...ten days went by and I found myself unable to stop the diet. My parents were EXTREMELY controlling at the time, and this was my way of being in control. I loved it. But I hated it.

I hit the weight of my sister...and still couldn't stop. I lost my period, and found myself unable to make it through swim practices anymore. I would just stand in the water, shivering and exhausted.

This is also when I began losing circulation in my hands and feet. My mom decided it was time to get me checked, and brought me to my pediatrician where he referred me to an eating disorder specialist in Providence. I went the next week and was admitted to the hospital immediately.

I stayed at the Hasbro Children's Hospital in Providence for one week. I refused to admit that I had an Eating Disorder, and none of my friends knew where I was. I was there over spring break, and spent Easter laying in the hospital bed. I was discharged exactly one week after being admitted.

I was doing well under my parents very watchful eye for about 7 months. Until I met my soon-to-be boyfriend who thought he ruled the world. He thought he could fix me, but ended up making things worse. My heart rate was slowing down again during that winter, and the clinic I go to wanted to send me to an Outpatient program, called PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). But my boyfriend didn't want to "lose" me for 3 weeks. So he decided to wait for me at the top of the street on the morning I was supposed to go. He "ran away" with me, scaring my parents, and angerring my doctors.

I never ended up going.

A year passed and I had my ups and downs. Then winter rolled around, and I started going downhill again. Nothing was put into action though because of my very stubborn history, and I simply began getting weekly checkups at the Clinic.

Well...nothing happened until last summer, where my parents sat me down and told me that if I didn't attend PHP, that they wouldn't sign the papers to send me to college. So I went, for one week, still working at night (I had been working for a little over a year at Panera at this point) and realized that this program was made for younger kids. I didn't talk to my parents the ENTIRE time I was there. I came home in tears, upset that they sent me, and even MORE angered by the fact that they didn't believe me that it wasn't helping (it wasn't.) I ended up writing them a three page letter explaining why this program was not for me. My mom doesn't really listen to me when I talk...she never has, so letters are the only way I can communicate how I feel to her. Well...this one worked, and I was pulled out of the program.

Since then I've had a slightly better relationship with my mother. My dad and I have always gotten along, but he tries to ignore the ED thing. My mom has eased back on her control issues, but is still very difficult to talk to. With winter approaching and my past history with going downhill during this time, I'm a little scared. I feel ED getting strong but I'm trying to fight because I really want to get better!


  1. Wow, thanks for sharing your story. Stay strong girlie! We are here for you!

  2. I promise i will be back later to read up on your history but unfortunately i am off to a doctors/vitals appointment hmm but i def did NOT know that about the calcium thanks for informing me! hmm taking one at night sounds even better..something to look forward too bahaa..have a good day!

  3. Laura, thank you for sharing your story. You are such an amazingly strong girl. You are a fighter. Your relationship with your parents is SO similar to mine. My mom and I do not get along very well and she does not listen. Her relationship with food is so unhealthy, but she is working on it since I have started recovery. We have gotten closer as well. I am SO close with my father and I go to him for everything. He is an amazing support for me. As you know, I am also fighting Ed on my own...but don't you see- we are not ALONE. We are fighting him and DEFEATING him together. You are SUCH an inspiration to me and you are doing SO wonderfully.

  4. THANK you so much for your honest in sharing the history of your ED. It means a lot to hear from others with similar struggles. I specifically always wonder about the "when, how, and why" questions of OTHERS ed beginnings. I obviously know how it started with me, and why, and when, but I constantly wonder what it was for others. Thanks again, Laura. Im so happy to have connected with you through blogging. Im sorry about the struggle between your parents and yourself in regards to your ed, but Im sure its something you're working on together.

    THANKS again love, you are inspiring and influencial.

  5. Thank you for sharing your story, Laura. Sounds like you've gotten through a lot of rough times, but you have come through so strong! Believe me, I totally understand how much havoc ED's can wreak on family relationships. My dad and I still are not the same. He just is incapable of understand what eating disorders are really about. It's hard, but we do the best we can.

    Anyways, thanks again for being so open and honest, have a great day!

  6. Laura - I am so grateful to you so sharing your story... i relate so much to so many of your experiences and struggles

    I also have two older sisters and i went through the first two years of high school constantly hearing "whoa jenn your sisters are so hot! can i get their numbers?" - there was even one occasion when an ex-boyfriend of mine was at my house, said he had to go to the bathroom, and then when i went upstairs i caught him trying to get with my sister!!! (he was a real scum bag haha) from that point on i decided to lose weight so i could be more like my sisters and then once i reached their weight i wanted to lose MORE so i could be BETTER than my sisters (since when does weighing less make you a better person, right?!)

    i also struggle a lot with my mom too.. i know she just wants me to healthy but she really just doesn't understand how to approach the situation. She's constantly telling me "just eat!" and threatening to send me to an inpatient treatment program...she doesn't understand that i need support and encouragement - not intimidation...

    wow - i didn't think that your post would make me reveal a little mini-story of my own but i just wanted to show you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! i am right there with you girl - dealing with the same struggles day to day and we can do this TOGETHER! i can not put in to words how your strength and encouragement has helped me and I owe you so much for the difference your friendship has made in my life. I am so lucky to have such a positive friend and i hope i can be that for you!!! lets beat this girl and make our stories something of the PAST that we can look back at and be grateful for how far we've come..together! =) <3 xoxo

  7. Yay for pdizzle!

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! You are doing a great job at fighting this. Please, please, please don't ever hesitate contacting me if you need someone to vent to/talk to/whatever! I will ALWAYS be here providing support for you :)

  8. PS. in regards to your comment on my blog: We're obviously sisters from another mister because I ALWAYS get the black bean with multi grain - yum in my mouth! AND I definitely eat the smaller side first and then get all happy when I see I still have MORE to eat haha!

  9. Thank you for sharing your story! And thanks, in general, for keeping this blog. I've just started a new blog to record my thoughts and feelings about my own ED. I'm looking forward to being in this great community!

  10. Thanks for sharing your story Laura! You are on your way to a wonderful, happy new you! I am here for your support always!

  11. I just found your blog and wanted to let you know how wonderful it is!

    I just read up on your story and want to thank you for sharing it! you are going to go so far in life with the new outlook you have!!

    have a good day!

  12. laura! thank you SOOOOO MUCH for this story!! it is so HONEST and i know exactly how you are feeling-- sometimes (well- a many times)-- i feel the ambivalence of recovery-- i want to get better-- i know i need to--but its hard... sometimes i feel like staying like this is "safe" to me-- but in reality-- it's holding me back from my LIFE! i wish i could have realized this when i was younger (like your age)! i admire you for realizing all of these things now & making a conscious effort to change!! :) i KNOW you WILL do it!!!!! xoxox

    ohh yes darlin i do love my adora! & i'm originally from andover, ma but i live in lovely Boston! what about you doll?

  13. Laura thank you for sharing your story! It always helps to know how others became stuck with Ed, and I find most stories extremly similar. You ARE strong and YOU know what YOU want, you can do this sweetie!!!!