Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Busy Days

I LOVE busy days! Yesterday was definitely one of them, and today is going to be even worse!
I ended up going to work a little sick yesterday, so I wasn't really myself. But I DID work with D (let's name my boys now, shall we? C likes me, and I like D.) Work was okay. It was EXTREMELY busy but I got to talk to him a decent amount which was good. C ended up coming into work to pick up his paycheck....and he wouldn't even look at me. Oh well...


I went to Trader Joe's. And we all know that TJ's makes moods better. HELP ON THE WAY!!! Haha. Anyways..

I didn't buy too much. I picked up 4 jamfrakas bars, 1 Gnu Fiber Bar (never had one before), hummus, Dr. Praegers burgers, salad dressing, soup for my mom, and an apple. Then we went to Stop and Shop and I found Vitamuffin tops!!! I grabbed one of the chocolate ones, and can't wait to try them!

So...I realized I am a terrible food blogger. Because I never post what I eat. So just to satisfy those picture hungry readers...this was my breakfast yesterday-
1/4 cup cottage cheese and 1/4 cup vanilla almond granola (plus a few bites out of the box)

Okay, now that that's over with =P... On to New Years stuff!!

In 2008 I...

-got accepted into 4 colleges
-was a part of the RI Honor Society
-graduated high school

-attended an OP eating disorder program for one week
-learned how to ballroom dance
-was able to talk my doctors and parents into letting me go to college
-went to college
-did WELL in college
-discovered food blogging
-met AMAZING people through food blogging
-learned more about myself

but through all of this...I still struggled with my ED. Which leads us to 2009

In 2009 I plan on...

-sticking with my recovery!
-learning how to laugh more, and take care of my body
-being more social
-applying to the Didactic program at UConn
-making more friends at school

This list will grow, I promise you!!

As for today. I plan on working for NINE AND A HALF HOURS!! When people ask me to work for them, I can't say no. Maybe I should work on that in 2009 =]

Have a great New Years Eve/ New Years Day everyone!!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Positive Tuesday

I want to make today a positive one! I ended up waking up at 3 o'clock this morning! Just...woke up! And I wasn't tired at ALL. I'm also starting to feel a little sick, which I hope is just passing!!

As for the doctor yesterday, I ended up losing a little bit of weight which is really frustrating because I still have a lot of weight to gain. However, this just shows me how much my body needs...which is astounding to me! Everything else was A-O-K though. I always want my blood pressure to be's kind of a little game I play to calm myself down when I am there...and I was SO close yesterday! 124/82. AH!
Laura, Love, and Lattes

I've got some sad news for all of you. The boy that likes me sent me a text yesterday asking if I had thought any more about the movie we are supposed to see, and I just had to be honest with him! I told him that I'm not looking for a relationship but if he's willing to go as friends I am completely for it! ...he didn't want to =[

Why are guys like that? They only want friends. That upset me a little but, what can you do? Oh well...I'm working with the boy that I like today. So...TO BE CONTINUED.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to Trader Joe's again today, so if there is anything you can think of that I should pick up I would greatly appreciate it!!

Stay positive today everyone, I hope it's as gorgeous outside where you are as it is here! I swear, my moods are directly proportional to the weather outside. =]

Monday, December 29, 2008 need to be goofy.

Monday Can Only Mean One Thing...

Doctor's appointment. I swear, my anxiety is through the roof on these days. All morning I just sit at home and wait for the time to come that I can leave. I know that I could get out, but I just don't know what I would do. Luckily, my appointment is 2 hours earlier today, so I will be leaving in a little over an hour.

HOWEVER, I want to thank every single person who commented on my post yesterday. I wish that I could thank every one of you individually, but I just don't have the time. But please know that I read every single comment thoroughly, and feel so blessed that I have you girls to encourage me in everything I write about. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

Remember that little Panera love triangle that was going on? Well, do you believe that both Saturday AND yesterday I walked into work and the two of them were talking to each other!? AH, so awkward for me. But neither of them really knows what's going on. The guy that likes me doesn't know that I like this other guy. And this other guy doesn't know that I like him or that the other guy likes me. AH!! Life is just so funny sometimes =]

oh, and I also opened my last Naturally Nutty peanut butter- Chocolate Butter Toffee. Oh. My. Gosh. AMAZING! Look at it:

I could just sit down with a spoon and finish this jar. It's diiiiiiivine!

I haven't really been in the blogging mood recently, and I'm not really sure why. Once I am though, I will be posting a more substantial post...but until then I'm just going to be sticking to commenting! I seem to enjoy that more anyways =]

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Dear ED,

Dear ED,

This isn’t working. It will never work. We just want different things, and we are incompatible. You want skinny and unhappy, I want healthy and free. I know this relationship has lasted awhile, but this breakup has been a long time coming. I am stronger now, able to look into the eye of you and tell you the truth: I HATE YOU. I hate every part of you; I hate the hunger pains, the self-hate, the mind games, the lies. What IS there to like?! YOU don’t even like me, so how am I supposed to like me? I need someone who likes me for ME. You do not do that. You try to steal my identity, and be my only friend. You tell me that you can give me more comfort than my family, but how are goose-bumps and hip bones comfortable?! THEY AREN’T! You are a tease and a bully. AND I AM FINISHED WITH YOU! I can use my math skills for something BETTER than counting calories. I can use my time more wisely and take care of my body. Why do YOU try to tell me otherwise? Why are YOU the only one putting me down, and making me believe everything you say? That’s preposterous! You are a fool. My life has possibility, but you are holding me back. It’s YOUR fault that the doctors didn’t want me to go to college, and it’s YOUR fault that I see pain and heartbreak in my mom’s eyes when I get angry with her over food. Food is essential to life, so where are your lies coming from?! Why do you tell me all the things I can’t do? Why do you tell me that the scale is lying when I lose weight? Why do you tell me that a family dinner means ten pounds on the hips? Why is that? What do YOU get out of it? I surely don’t get anything but suffering, and it’s going to stop. The suffering needs to stop.
So starting today ED, there will be no more calorie counting, no more insults, and no more "you can’t eat that”, and definitely no more taking my friends, family, and happiness away. Because no matter what you say ED, I deserve ALL of that. And you….you don’t deserve ANY of it. You deserve to spend eternity in your grave, away from me, and away from EVERYONE! You are an abuser, a murderer, and a thief. You should be in PRISON!
So goodbye ED. Thank you for nothing.

Your ex, forever,

Saturday, December 27, 2008


Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of my relationship with ED. It's been a rough three years, but I have never felt stronger against him during this time of year.

There are still no pictures in this post, but I carried a little sticky note around with me yesterday and jotted down a few things I wanted to mention on here, because I ALWAYS seem to think of things and then forget when I'm ready to type them! So annoying! =P

1. About the comment my mom made. I know that she was just trying to make me more comfortable, but I guess I just wasn't sure if it was really going to help, or just feed ED. Because when she said it I felt a HUGE weight lifted off of my shoulders, and I could almost hear ED saying "sorry, no sweets for you!". I haven't had any since, even though those little peanut butter cookies with the Hershey Kiss, and my aunts homemade chex mix is my favorite! I think I'm still going to try to challenge myself, but knowing that my mom isn't expecting me to is kind of making it harder. It's very confusing, but thank you so much for your feedback! Hearing my mom say something like that really showed me that she's beginning to understand what I am going through. Usually she is always by the book- I need to eat certain things, gain weight, and everything will be fine. But hearing her say what she did shows me that she is actually listening to what I tell her. Which makes me feel good =]

2. I was at work yesterday, and one of the orders that rang through was for a bagel with cream cheese. I sliced, toasted, and plated it....but put reduced fat cream cheese on the plate by accident. I handed the woman (who was honestly the perfect weight, she was so healthy looking!) the plate, and she looked at the cream cheese, then at me, and asked if she could have the regular one instead. I don't know why this really hit a note for me, but seeing that not everyone is thankful to get RF cream cheese by accident really showed ED that not everyone thinks like me. People eat what they want, and what they think tastes better. So HA ED!

3. I wrote down the word "gym" and don't remember what I was going to say! Ah well. My day today is going to be pretty busy. I'm headed to the gym shortly, then home for lunch, and then I'm working 3-11:30! Oh gosh! At least I'm closing with, ahem, this kid I like. Who happens to be friends with this OTHER kid at work who asked me out on a date yesterday. AHHH so confusing!! Have a great great GREAT Saturday everyone!!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I just can't do it anymore.

Can't be without you ladies, that is!

These past few days have been...interesting. Regardless of blogging or not, ED is still in my head and seems to be getting worse and I just don't know what to do! I also have had this never ending hunger, which I eat to satisfy but there is no satisfying happening! I don't know what's going on!

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas! And of course, got everything they hoped for =]
My gifts included:
A new Verizon LG Envy phone!
The Sims complete pack for Mac (dream house here I come!)
A laptop bag
21 (the movie!)
Gift cards and other typical presents.

How lucky are we that our families can afford such nice things for us? I mean, I hear about people who get so SO many expensive gifts, and a part of me gets jealous for an instant, until I realize that I am truly happy just as I am. Sure, I only have a few presents under the tree...but they are usually things that I open and can't WAIT to use! And there are some people who don't even get gifts on Christmas, which is so heartbreaking for me to think about. That's why I try to volunteer my time during the Holiday season so when I unwrap my gifts on Christmas day, there is no guilt involved!

So...I have decided that instead of giving up blogging completely, I am going to try to limit the time I spend on it. It's true that I've spend SO much more time with my friends and family over this past week...however, I might have still kept up with some of your blogs =] I just can't do without you gals!

So here's my POA. I'm going to read everyone's blogs once in the morning, and once at night, and limit the number of posts I publish. I think typing how I feel, and about my day is important...however I don't want it to become my only form of venting. I have people in my life too that I can talk to! But I LOVE this little community that we have going here...and I don't really know what I would do without you guys. I realized over these past few days that blogging has actually helped me in a sense. A few months ago, peanut butter would NOT have been allowed, despite it being my favorite food. But today, on Christmas, I had it TWICE! (P.S. Amy...I had a waffle with pb this morning for breakfast!)

I have one thing that I wanted to mention though, and I don't really know what to think about it so feedback would be great.

When I was getting my dinner together tonight, my mom walked into the kitchen and randomly said "I just want you to know that if you don't eat the cakes or cookies I make, or anything like doesn't make me feel bad. Those are considered extra's, and as long as you're eating the things you're supposed to like peanut butter and margarine, then it's fine by me."

Ehhh. It was just so random! And I had definitely had a cookie today, right in front of her! (Which I told her about and she doesn't remember). I don't know...ED was jumping for joy but I was honest with her and told her that I really want to be comfortable with those foods...but I'm just slowly becoming more comfortable with the other ones. She told me that it was good to hear.

I don't even know if you would have any thoughts on that?

<3 Missed you guys. =]

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I think I need this.

For the next week I'm not going to be on here. I just feel as if my eating disorder tries it's best to compare my body and my needs with other people's needs. I also can NOT stop thinking about food, and thinking about what everyone on here ate, and it is slowly taking over my life...which is exactly the opposite of what I've been trying to do! My mom has mentioned various times that I have been on the computer a lot lately, and as much as I ADORE all of you gals, I want to experiment with this week. Especially with the holidays, I don't want to be comparing what I eat to what everyone else eats.

I know this is sudden, and I appologize. I WILL be back to let you know what's happened, and what I have decided to do about this blog. But until then, if you want to contact me or ANYTHING just ask and I'll give you my number (to text =] ) or my facebook. (Actually, here's the link to that: )

I want to keep in touch with EVERYONE on here. Because, I really do love you all!

Have a FANTASTIC holiday! Stay strong.

It won't stop!

This hunger of mine. And I want to be okay with it but I've already had breakfast, went to the gym, had a SECOND coffee, and had lunch (a MUCH bigger one than normal, including peanut butter AND a piece of chocolate) and my stomach is still rumbling. This never happens. Not like THIS. I am stressing.


On a lighter note...this is what I do at the gym when I don't want to go to work! All bundled up.

ADDED (Again...sorry!)___________

So I decided to have a half of a pb sandwich. I figured if I am hungry, then my body needs it, and I was CRAVING more peanut butter. My stomach is still a little rumbly, but I feel a little bit better. I'm happy that I had that extra (2) snacks. ED definitely isn't. He totaled up my calories for the day so far and was NOT happy especially since I'm having a birthday dinner/cake for my dad tonight. What's one day though right?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Not much time!

I just have a few things to say.

1. There was a little bit of peanut butter left in the skippy jar and I decided to finish it. I'm not sure HOW much it turned out to be (I think more than two tablespoons) but I feel okay about it. (I think).

2. 300 children are getting 2 presents each! All the volunteers wrapped 600 gifts, AND THEN SOME. There was still hundreds of toys left over that will be handed out, or taken to orphanages, or ANYTHING. It's such an amazing feeling. =)

(A couple of the presents were donated already wrapped. But the majority weren't.)

3. My agenda for the rest of the day:

CVS (post-workout snack/pre work snack)
Panera Bread 3-11ish? Whenever we finish closing!

Sorry if you don't hear from me until tomorrow. I DO receive all of your comments before heading to bed though.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Ding-Dong DELIVERY (pt. 2)

My Nature's Path "prize" came in yesterday. And it was ALL new products!

-3 Boxes of Leapin Lemurs Peanut Butter & Chocolate Cereal
-2 Boxes of Sunflower Granola
-2 Boxes of Vanilla Almond Granola
-2 Boxes of Crispy Rice Fruity Burst bars
-2 Boxes of Crispy Rice PB&Chocolate Bars
-Nature's Path Grocery Bag (not pictured)

All sent with this letter: (sorry my finger is in the way!)

This arrived at the PERFECT time because my mom and I decided to help out at the Happy Baskets last night. They were SO thankful that I brought these, even though they looked a little puzzled as to what it was exactly =P

HOWEVER. All in all, we put together 250 baskets last night, and it was exhausting! But it was so heartwarming seeing everyone volunteering their time, and even singing Christmas songs together.

Tomorrow my mom and I are waking up early to wrap toys. There was an ENTIRE room filled with toys, which was still being added to. It's going to be madness! I also have to work 3:30 to close tomorrow, so if you don't hear from me that's probably why!

<3 Enjoy the snow if it's hitting you!

Quick Quick!

I finally brought myself to eat a good breakfast this morning (with my parents, so no pictures sorry!)

ED was screaming at me the ENTIRE time, but I'm going out shopping with my dad this morning and I did NOT want to be cranky because I was hungry. So I toasted a slice of bread, waited for it to cool (I'm putting pb on it and god forbid it MELTS!) and tried my new Butter Toffee Peanut Butter! It's definitely on the different side, a little grainy in texture and SWEET. But I am NOT complaining. It was delicious!

I also had some grapes, and a cup of coffee with extra soymilk! I believe all my food groups were covered except veggies. But...who eats veggies for bfast?!?!

Now I'm going out with my dad, coming back for lunch, then I have a WIMPY three hour shift at PBread. PDizzle. P...Right...

We're supposed to get an INSANE snow storm later! So to everyone who's expecting this as well- stay warm, stay safe, and have fun!!


Thursday, December 18, 2008

My Story

So I realized yesterday after hearing from so many people that they didn't know I worked at PBread, that I haven't really shared "my story" with you....AKA, my past history with ED.

First, my sandwich today. Tofurkey, Lettuce and Tomato on...guess what kind of bread? That's right, my favorite, Panera Bread Whole Grain!!

Okay...I don't want to ramble...but as you all should know by now, that tends to be my specialty ;-)

Well let's see. Entering high school I was a pretty serious swimmer, during the summer I would go to 2- sometimes THREE practices a day. Every since I had hit puberty I was always swimming, and eating like a swimmer. My sister was also an AMAZING swimmer. She's three years older than me and still holds the record for the 50 free at our highschool. My family paid a lot of attention to her because of how great she was at the sport, so I felt as if I needed to swim in order to "fit in".

I don't want to say my highest weight, but it was in the 80th percentile for girls my age at 14. However, the doctor said most of it was muscle. I WAS a swimmer =]. Well, when I turned 15 my sister left for college, and all of a sudden the focus of my mom and dad was on me. I continued swimming, but once winter rolled around I decided to go on a "ten day diet". I wanted to be JUST like my sister (who was always more toned and thin than I was). She was average weight for her age, and gorgeous in my opinion. Well...ten days went by and I found myself unable to stop the diet. My parents were EXTREMELY controlling at the time, and this was my way of being in control. I loved it. But I hated it.

I hit the weight of my sister...and still couldn't stop. I lost my period, and found myself unable to make it through swim practices anymore. I would just stand in the water, shivering and exhausted.

This is also when I began losing circulation in my hands and feet. My mom decided it was time to get me checked, and brought me to my pediatrician where he referred me to an eating disorder specialist in Providence. I went the next week and was admitted to the hospital immediately.

I stayed at the Hasbro Children's Hospital in Providence for one week. I refused to admit that I had an Eating Disorder, and none of my friends knew where I was. I was there over spring break, and spent Easter laying in the hospital bed. I was discharged exactly one week after being admitted.

I was doing well under my parents very watchful eye for about 7 months. Until I met my soon-to-be boyfriend who thought he ruled the world. He thought he could fix me, but ended up making things worse. My heart rate was slowing down again during that winter, and the clinic I go to wanted to send me to an Outpatient program, called PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). But my boyfriend didn't want to "lose" me for 3 weeks. So he decided to wait for me at the top of the street on the morning I was supposed to go. He "ran away" with me, scaring my parents, and angerring my doctors.

I never ended up going.

A year passed and I had my ups and downs. Then winter rolled around, and I started going downhill again. Nothing was put into action though because of my very stubborn history, and I simply began getting weekly checkups at the Clinic.

Well...nothing happened until last summer, where my parents sat me down and told me that if I didn't attend PHP, that they wouldn't sign the papers to send me to college. So I went, for one week, still working at night (I had been working for a little over a year at Panera at this point) and realized that this program was made for younger kids. I didn't talk to my parents the ENTIRE time I was there. I came home in tears, upset that they sent me, and even MORE angered by the fact that they didn't believe me that it wasn't helping (it wasn't.) I ended up writing them a three page letter explaining why this program was not for me. My mom doesn't really listen to me when I talk...she never has, so letters are the only way I can communicate how I feel to her. Well...this one worked, and I was pulled out of the program.

Since then I've had a slightly better relationship with my mother. My dad and I have always gotten along, but he tries to ignore the ED thing. My mom has eased back on her control issues, but is still very difficult to talk to. With winter approaching and my past history with going downhill during this time, I'm a little scared. I feel ED getting strong but I'm trying to fight because I really want to get better!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Is it my lucky week or what?!
I'm not sure if you remember our dear Amy getting a delivery from Katie of Naturally Nutty a few weeks ago, but I too was a very lucky girl and got three samples of her delicious and healthful nut butters!

Look how generous she was!

Butter Toffee Peanut Butter

Vanilla Almond Butter (!)

CHOCOLATE Butter Toffee Peanut Butter

All three =] you might recall, I've had a little trouble adapting to Almond Butter, but what about VANILLA Almond Butter? The moment I saw it I cracked that baby open faster than ED could tell me otherwise! And let me tell you...I haven't stopped eating it since! It's FANTASTIC! The perfect balance of sweetness from the vanilla and nuttiness from the Almonds. It's also VERY smooth for an Almond Butter, but not watery at all. I want to BATHE in this stuff! I encourage EVERYONE to go to her website and order some. You will NOT be sorry!

I feel like I had so much more to say...but I can't think of it! Oh well, I guess that means there will have to be another post later =] OH. I remember one. Today is my first day back to work (at Panera Bread). I absolutely LOVE working there. It's a time where I can be myself and I don't even THINK about ED. It's so crazy, it's like...a vacation from him, for a few hours. Therapy at work, who would have known?

Have a great Wednesday everyone! You know what NEXT Wednesday is? I thought so.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Brrr my chobs is frozen!!


It's how I eat ALL of my yogurt now! It's such a great experience for my tongue! At first it's cold and solid, but it quickly melts into a creamy delight! However, for some reason Greek yogurt becomes a ROCK when you freeze it. I need to go find my chisel...

Does anyone know why my pictures look so dull when I post them on here? They looks so much more vibrant when I load them onto my computer!!

I'm just warning everyone--I am in a VERY good mood right now. I just joined a gym at home, and even though I'm not supposed to be doing any exercise while I'm in recovery, I find that impossible. I exercised EVERY day when I was at school, and gained a little but of weight all by myself. This past week I haven't exercised at all, and found myself tired and a little depressed. I'm just making sure that I don't overdo it, and focus more on weights than on cardio. Building that muscle..GRRR!!


I am very upset about my snack this afternoon. I felt like something I had a small piece of Dove chocolate (small piece=HUGE accomplishment). But that just wasn't cutting it! So I remembered this little number that I had in my cabinet:

I was SO excited to try it, that I just ripped it open and popped it into my mouth....annnddd spit it out JUST as quickly. I thought it was awful!! It has this funny taste that just wouldn't snop lingering. Is this normal for this bar?

Well I was still in the mood for a bar, but didn't want to try the Jocolat bar QUITE yet, for fear of another bad outcome!

So I figured, I LOVED the PB Cookie Larabar, so how can I go wrong with a Cashew Cookie one?!

I was wrong again! I hated it!
Either I'm still a little sick, or these bars are letting me down! I didn't taste ANY nuts in this bar at all. Just funny tasting dates. (look how weird I'm holding this! That's my pointer finger in front, and my middle finger in back)

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked. "You must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Monday, December 15, 2008

I think...

I am the only person who gets stressed out by blogs!!
I love them to DEATH, but when I come on and I have so many blogs to read and comment I get so stressed. And then when I get awards for something I get embarressed/stressed. But I appreciate it so so much!! A SPECIAL thanks to Aussirish for awarding me the blog award!!! I will be awarding it to 8 more fellow bloggers VERY shortly.

But first and foremost. ANOTHER special thanks to Caroline for announcing me as one of the winners of the Nature's Path Give-a-way! I really hope I am able to receive that package before this Saturday so I can donate it to the local Happy Basket foundation! I'm sure they will be extremely surprised to see organic food donated! Actually...while we're on that topic, this past semester I took part in something called Husky Nutrition (UConn's mascot are the huskies!) where we went into downtown Hartford and volunteered at a place called The Catholic Worker House. This is a place where kids that live in less fortunate households can go on the weekend to stay warm and eat a good meal. As a member of this program, we prepared certain "lessons" to teach the kids about healthy eating. One week I remember teaching them how to make homemade apple cider! That was quite an experience! But it teaches them that healthy food doesn't have to taste terrible! And a few of those kiddos said they liked this 100% apple cider better than that fruit punch they have been drinking!

With that being said, I love being able to share the great taste of healthy foods with people that wouldn't ordinarily want to try it, let alone afford it! So thank you Caroline. I might have been a winner of that contest, but you're truley the generous one. You're making this happen!!


Thank you to EVERYONE who sent me good wishes at my doctors appointment today. Everything went VERY well, which was suprising to me because of my sickness this past weekend! I'm stable, and still have a lot of weight to gain, but knowing that I am able to care for myself even when I'm sick is SUCH a relief. And I left that appointment willing to stay on track, which is not ordinarily the case. ED likes to think that because I have two more weeks until my next appointment, that we can slack for one week. WELL THAT'S NO LONGER THE CASE!!! Thanks for being a great support ladies. I wish I could sit here and type each of you a long thank you letter....but that would be TOO much stress for me to handle!

(and I appologize if the names aren't you REAL names...I'm terrible with that!)

1. Ames- for putting a smile on my face regardless of the situation, and being such a sweetheart. For taking the time to write such thoughtful comments, finding me on facebook, and laughing through the hard times...even though we have never met. Thank you!
2. Aussirish- for giving me an award! <3 For staying positive, being compassionate, and reminding me that recovery is for myself.
3. K-for introducing me to TJ's (=] ) and rarely missing one of my posts. For giving me the much needed pushes to recover, and some of the BEST ideas for tasty snacks =]
4. Sharon- for making BY FAR the best (and most repetitive) sandwiches, and being such a great support.
5. Jenny -for her LOVE LISTS!! and seemingly endless kindness. For making me realize that "it's okay" and knowing that every life has it's "twists and turns".
6. Jen- for those very long posts that seem to put me in the greatest mood ever! For the support I need, and the kick-in-the-ass that ED needs.
7. Jenny- for becoming such a fast blog friend! For taking the time to comment on my posts even when I probably wouldn't have. And for her honesty.
8. Megan -for being BRUTALLY honest in the good times, and the bad. For being able to look into herself and try to understand her body to the fullest. For finding me on facebook, being a doll, and always making me feel comfortable to say how I feel...regardless.
(I'm doing more than 8)
9. Michelle -for teaching me that balance and smart food choices lead to a happy, healthy life.
10. KmKiely -for showing me that variety is fun! For being selfless and smart. Good luck on your exams girl!
11. Elise- for FLOORING me with her confidence and strength.
12. Lee- for EVERYTHING! For showing me that I am stronger than ED. For teaching me to be all that I truley am, and allowing me to see that. For her beyond inspirational morning posts that keep me going through the day.
13. Veggiegirl- for making some of the best looking vegan food out there! For being so quick to comment on anything, and always making me smile. For being so sweet and kind, and never negative.

I am SO SO SO sorry if I forgot you. Even if you have commented on my blog ONCE, you have in some way changed my life. I feel terrible knowing that I probably forgot people. Please don't take it personally. You are all absolutely amazing. You astound me with your beauty and your confidence. I never have 'met' such a kind, loving, and helpful group of people in my life...and I will forever be greatful. For those out there suffering from eating disorders- you ARE stronger than your disorder. You CAN and WILL beat it...and I will be here for you every step of the way. If recovery means two steps forward and one step back...then so be it. The WORLD needs all of you...all of us. WE will make a difference in the world, in the lives of others, and with ourselves. But we need to be strong, healthy, WELL-FED, in order to do it. So start now. Tell ED to PISS OFF! Your future lies ahead of you....and your eating disorder is not a part of it.


It's a doctor-monday...once again.

I am always so afraid of going to this doctor. She checks my heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, and of course my weight. I've been sent to the hospital by her before, and I am always paranoid that I'll be sent again.

Today is going to be a little different though. For three years my mom has always brought me. But last night I wrote my mom a two page note explaining why I wanted to go alone today, and this morning I woke up with a note from her and a check to cover the copay of the appointment. I'm going alone...and I'm not sure if that's going to help.

Another thing that I wanted to talk about today are some of the health effects of Eating Disorders.
A lot of people know the basics. Being underweight is a very obvious health hazard, especially to that person's heart. Not eating right can also lead to anemia, osteoporosis, low or high blood pressure, infertility, liver failure, depression, and lower body temperature...just to name a few.

There is one specific health effect that I have been struggling with since this whole thing began, and I have yet to meet anyone with the same problem. A lot of people with low body fat report feeling cold all the time. However, my body has taken it to the next extreme. Instead of just having blue nails like a lot of ED patients, when I get cold my body pulls all of the blood away from my fingers and toes in order to use it for my body itself. This is extremely scary! And it happens ALL the time.

Remember that fire station party that I went to on Saturday night? It happened there. If I get a chill, I can't shake it. On top of my toes hurting so much that I can't walk, I am terrified that my circulation won't come back. It ruins whatever I am doing during the winter ALL the time.

I think this is one of the most important things for me to get rid of. I have also been diagnosed with osteopenia, however I am doing the best I can every day to include more calcium into my diet. THIS circulation problem has stuck with me, and affected me for 3 years too long! The doctors said it may never go away...but they also said that getting more body fat on me MIGHT help it go away....and that is a chance I am willing to take!

So think long, and think hard about the little things that ED does to your body that affects your life. Now...think about how GREAT life would be without it.

It would be a pretty nice life, wouldn't it?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

So many posts! I'm sorry!

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm feeling so down in the dumps, and everytime ANYTHING enters my mouth I feel terrible about it. On top of that, I spoke too soon yesterday when I said my stomach was feeling better, because it was bothering me for the rest of the day! And since friday, I haven't been craving anything I normally do, and the though of wheat bread and peanut butter is REPULSING to me. On top of it, my mom made butternut squash for dinner and as I was eating it all I could think about was how distgusting it is....which was not the case at all!!

All that I'm craving is white bread, yogurt, and fruit.

Any ideas as to what's going on?

What DO Vegans eat?

Today didn't go QUITE as planned...but there were some positives. Such as my gingersnap cookie from Whole Foods:

That dark center was ooey & gooey!

I also made this. It's my own concoction. VERY peanut-buttery. It's made with PB puffins, trail mix, craisins, PB, and maple syrup. It hardens, and then I cut it into squares. VERY sweet, but VERY good.

I'll explain more about my day later or tomorrow. I was just very excited about that cookie =]

Listen to your body

This is what I'm doing today. I'm telling ED to be quiet, and eating what I want to eat, when I'm hungry! I'm tired of spending my days counting calories and worrying about meals. It's wasting my life, and I don't deserve it. I don't mean to seem like I am "copying" Lee but I am doing an experiment. Her's was longer than just a day, but I'm starting small! My mom is making a big dinner tonight and I woke up and remembered it and was going to skip breakfast. But then I realized that a big dinner is NO reason to deprive myself! So I had breakfast, and I am going to have lunch, and snacks, AND dinner. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

It's Saturday!

&&&& my stomach is feeling great! How weird...just a 24 hour stomach bug. That's FINE by me though!

I woke up and wasn't hungry though. I ended up having coffee and an apple....and then really wanted a sandwich. So...I had it!

I ended up buying bread at TJ's that is higher cal than I usually buy. Normally I only eat bread that is 70 cals a slice, but this is 90. I am SO happy that I bought it though, because it tasted amazing, and it took a lot longer to eat...which is worth those extra 40 cals (big deal!).

I also had a little salad that I made at whole foods yesterday. It has grilled veggies and an edamame salad on it. Delish!

And I was still in the munching mood, even though I wasn't hungry. So I had some carrots with this!!->

How cute is that?! It's an applesauce-sized container of salsa. =]
And if salsa didn't bother my stomach, I don't think anything will!

Oh, and this is the coffee I had this morning, and the mug I had it is! (which is the reason for those annoying comments...sorry Jenny!)

I'm in a really good mood this morning, and I will be taking full advantage of it! It's finally sunny out, which I think is the first time in about a week! Later today my Dad and I are going to a country store to pick up different flavored tea's because him and I are determined to get me to like tea! We'll see... =P

And then after that I am going to a Christmas party for the Fire Station. There's this kid there that kind of likes me, but he's a huge jerk....and he doesn't know I'm going. Ehhh. He's made some comments to my sister about my size. In a way, I'm excited to act confident around him, and show him that I am SO much different than my size!

I don't like melted peanut butter. It freaks me out, and I just discovered that. I like the consistency of thick, rich, UNmelted peanut butter! Is anyone else like this?

I'm really happy that I am starting to form my own opinions about food...not ED opinions. I used to tell people that I didn't like certain foods because ED told me that I shouldn't. I also kind of....uhm....exaggerated how lactose intolerant I was. My body can't take TOO much dairy, but I used to tell people that I couldn't have any dairy. Well, I'm definitely incorporating more into my diet, and just to protect my 'lie'...I just take lactaid pills with it. Please don't get me wrong, I DO have trouble digesting dairy, but not NEARLY as much trouble as my sister, my mom, and my aunt. It was believeable, and I am definitely embarressed and ashamed for lieing like that. But I'm moving on, and eating what I should I feel good!

I have two snacks laid out for later. One is that gingerbread cookie! And the second one is that mocha yogurt that I got at TJ's. Well, I love putting my yogurt into the freezer, and how good does mocha frozen yogurt sound?! Can't wait!

Have a SUPER SATURDAY everyone!

"If one is a Greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?"
Edith Sitwell

Friday, December 12, 2008

Isn't it ironic?

I'm sick (stomach sick) on the day we were supposed to go to Whole Foods. But since this was our only chance, I went anyways. That also means no free samples, and things just weren't appealing to me! Luckily, I had a list of things I knew I I picked them up.

I'm not in much of a typing I'll just post the pictures and wish everyone a great evening/night!

(Rudi's Bagels-I finally found them! If my stomach is feeling better tomorrow, I know what I'm having for breakfast)

I promised my doctors I would try a challenge food. Mac&cheese used to be my absolute favorite. So I bought it. I also ate the soup all the way on the right (alphabet soup) and one that isn't pictures- Amy's "No Chicken Noodle Soup". Other than that I've only have a coffee and an apple today =[

My mom got me addicted to this. It took me two years to finally 'allow' myself to have it. But now that I have, things aren't going to change!

Wallaby Maple Yogurt, Chick'n strips, vegetable hommus, and more veggie meat (staple!)

Other than all of this, I'm having my mom pick up salsa, whipped cottage cheese, and chobani tonight which she's doing her normal grocery shopping. OH! I almost forgot. I told ed to STFU and bought this for when I tummy isn't hurting:

Vegan Gingersnap cookie!

And one last picture before I go take a nap. Look what I found at Harry and David's->

The picture was taken on my cell, hence the fuzziness. However this is almond AND peanut butter. In ONE! I had just spent all of my money on chocolate maple coffee, and a christmas present for my mom, so I couldn't buy this. But it's not seasonal, it's a regular I'll be going back to give it a try!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What's a picture?

Happy Thursday!
I know that pictures haven't been in my posts for QUITE a while now, however...things are about to change. And would you like to know why? Because TODAY, Laura went to TRADER JOE'S!!!!

I wish I could explain to you how excited I was when I walked in! I thought I was going to EXPLODE with excitement, and it literally took me a good half an hour to calm down and be able to calmly look around!!! I definitely walked through the store a good 5 times and each time I saw something new. Everyone there was so nice, and the prices were amazing, and the food. AH!! I want to just try a taste of EVERYTHING I bought. But that would ruin the surprise over the next few days, so I'm going to hold back the best I can!

OH and just to let you know, I didn't buy too much today. My mom is taking me to Whole Foods (tomorrow I think!) and she will buy that food. Today I had to use my money, and let's just say that I really need to go back to work PRONTO!

The Layout.

At the dining hall at school they have Dr. Praeger's, but I don't think it's the California veggie burger....I'll find out! And of course...some tofurkey. =P

Here's my bar story. They had a few Larabars but since they are expensive and have a bigger selection at Whole Foods, I'm going to wait until tomorrow. These three are completely NEW bars for me though. SO excited!

Oops! Laura got hungry on the way home!
Opinion: It's a tasty little bite! Literally, a bite. But oddly enough it left me satisfied. So I was a happy girl =]

I couldn't find Whole Wheat potato bread =[

1. I love the taste of Sesame and Ginger
2. Butternut Squash in a cannnnn
3. I don't know how to cook acorn squash!

Sorry it's blurry, they were getting too warm for my liking so I took the pictures FAST! But how can you go wrong with Pomegranate Greek Yogurt and Low Fat Mocha Yogurt?

Dedicated to Miss. K . I originally had the PB crunchy bars too, but realized that I still have a LOT of crunchy bars in my cabinet at home. So...I'm using that as a reason to go back before I return to school! And no Rudi's Bagels...I'm extremely upset. =[

OKAY. Now, quick explanation for the next few pictures. My school meal plan includes something called "points" that can be used at all the Cafe's around campus. I started with 500, which is pretty much 500 dollars to be used on coffee and sandwiches and other little things supplied by the Cafe's. Well...I misjudged how many I had, and ended up with over 200 points that I needed to spend in TWO DAYS!! Needless to say, I lost some money in the long run....but I picked up a bunch of stuff:

I think there are 12 Odwalla bars under there! And 6 packs of peanut M&M's. I got the granola sample for free in the mail, and purchased the lara bar and luna bar seperately.

For when I get the munchies...

"We're going to peanut butter mountain charlieeeee"

In addition to being on a shopping high (!) I also had an appointment with my new therapist today. She was SUCH a sweetheart, and even though it's a drive to get there...I think it will be worth it. Plus, she's halfway to TJ's. =]