I'm terrible at explaining things, but I have come to realize something today. I am scared of my mother.
I lay in bed in the morning WAITING for her to leave for work so I don't need to see her. I work my schedule around her being home, so that when she's home, I'm not...and when I'm home, she's not. I HATE doing this, and I never really knew why I did it until a few weeks ago when my therapist and I came to this realization.
Why am I scared of my own mother you ask?
I don't really know.
I don't think it's as much being SCARED of her, as much as I am afraid of doing something wrong. I can just never seem to do anything right in her eyes. And when she is home, I hate eating. I hate even going into the kitchen. If I go in to pour myself a bowl of cereal, she comes in to make sure that I don't spill anything. Why? I don't really know!
Or if I am cutting myself an apple, and a seed hits the floor, she gets so upset at me for not being careful enough because my dog could swallow the seed. A SEED! It's like, a millimeter wide!
And this morning when I rolled out of bed (she was still home, but almost ready to leave for work) I was greeted with a "if you're looking for something to do today you can do the dishes or brush the dog. And danny (my bird) needs to be changed. And what are your friends doing today? You should do something with them! I haven't seen Meaghan in awhile. Where has she been?"
Good morning to you too mom.
I just get so aggravated because I can't talk to her about anything, because she always finds something that I did wrong in the situation. And I can't vent to her because she gets upset with any language I use. I always end up writing her letters when I need to tell her something important. Otherwise she would interrupt me and tell me what SHE would have done, or what I SHOULD have done.
And I feel like everything I do around her is either a lie, or I'm sneaking something. She has no idea that I go to the gym, and she doesn't know who my friends at work or school are.
When I am at the doctor, and she is there, she answers every single question for me. They try to get me to answer questions but I can never get a word in!
Please don't get me wrong...I love my mom, but I am just so upset that being at home with her makes me so tense. I can't eat around her, and when I have to I scarf it down and regret every bite. Why can't I eat in front of my mother?! I avoid her when she's home...and I HATE it. I want to be able to talk to her, and have her listen and try to understand me. Just once.
I'm sorry. I needed to just....vent.