Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I need to vent.

I'm terrible at explaining things, but I have come to realize something today. I am scared of my mother.
I lay in bed in the morning WAITING for her to leave for work so I don't need to see her. I work my schedule around her being home, so that when she's home, I'm not...and when I'm home, she's not. I HATE doing this, and I never really knew why I did it until a few weeks ago when my therapist and I came to this realization.

Why am I scared of my own mother you ask?
I don't really know.
I don't think it's as much being SCARED of her, as much as I am afraid of doing something wrong. I can just never seem to do anything right in her eyes. And when she is home, I hate eating. I hate even going into the kitchen. If I go in to pour myself a bowl of cereal, she comes in to make sure that I don't spill anything. Why? I don't really know!

Or if I am cutting myself an apple, and a seed hits the floor, she gets so upset at me for not being careful enough because my dog could swallow the seed. A SEED! It's like, a millimeter wide!

And this morning when I rolled out of bed (she was still home, but almost ready to leave for work) I was greeted with a "if you're looking for something to do today you can do the dishes or brush the dog. And danny (my bird) needs to be changed. And what are your friends doing today? You should do something with them! I haven't seen Meaghan in awhile. Where has she been?"

Good morning to you too mom.

I just get so aggravated because I can't talk to her about anything, because she always finds something that I did wrong in the situation. And I can't vent to her because she gets upset with any language I use. I always end up writing her letters when I need to tell her something important. Otherwise she would interrupt me and tell me what SHE would have done, or what I SHOULD have done.

And I feel like everything I do around her is either a lie, or I'm sneaking something. She has no idea that I go to the gym, and she doesn't know who my friends at work or school are.

When I am at the doctor, and she is there, she answers every single question for me. They try to get me to answer questions but I can never get a word in!

Please don't get me wrong...I love my mom, but I am just so upset that being at home with her makes me so tense. I can't eat around her, and when I have to I scarf it down and regret every bite. Why can't I eat in front of my mother?! I avoid her when she's home...and I HATE it. I want to be able to talk to her, and have her listen and try to understand me. Just once.

I'm sorry. I needed to just....vent.

7 comments:

  1. Aw Laur, I'm sorry you are so tense around your mom! I'm glad you and your therapist are working through it though. I know a lot of girls with EDs have issues with their moms. And most are close with their dads. Are you like this? Just wondering. I know you go to therapy, but have you ever done a family session with her involved? Maybe it would help. It did for me---my therapist was the "voice of reason" and helped my parents see certain things.

    AHHH Im glad you have this bloggy to vent :) Spill it all girl. I hope things work outtt!

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  2. i am so sorry:( i send you a huge hug! i hope everything works out,you are too wonderful of a girl to have troubles so big. love<3

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  3. Laura - I'm so sorry you're struggling with your mom but I definitely think it would be in your best interest to try and voice your feelings to her...or like Amy said maybe try to schedule a family session with your therapist if that would make you feel more comfortable. Maybe a good conversation will uncover emotions or feelings that your mom has been having.. maybe she's acting this way for a certain reason...maybe she's scared, concerned, frustrated, who knows? Nevertheless, you don't deserve to have these feelings but they won't go away until you are open about your fear and anxiety. I know its SO difficult girl and if you need any help or support or just to vent some more DON'T FORGET i'm ALWAYS here for you. Have a relaxing night love <3

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  4. i'm glad you were able to vent here! i think you definitely need/deserve to! i'm sorry that you feel this way-- i wish it was easier for you to be around your mom! i hope you realize that this is something that has to do with HER personality and not yours. no one should ever make you feel like that... and i'm sure your mom loves you more than anything in the world and the last thing she would want to do is to have you feel like this... maybe you should try to talk to her face to face??
    & also i think it's great you see a nutritionist! but laura-- you should be honest with her! i mean your nutritionist --- her job is to make sure you are HEALTHY-- she is not there to JUDGE you. its OK that you haven't been honest with her before-- but the only person you are hurting by not telling her the truth is yourself! i'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but the only way you can past it is to be HONEST WITH YOURSELF!!!!! i love u girl i hope you know i'm always here!

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  5. Oh Laura, this sucks! I know so many other women who have SUCH issues with their mothers. It's really rough in your college years, when you're discovering who you are as an adult, and your parents are trying to make that transition too -- but probably not trusting you to make the right decisions for yourself yet.

    I know it doesn't solve any of your problems, but it might help give you a little distance if you realize that her behavior isn't about YOU, it's about the way SHE is wired. I myself have a lot of control issues that I'm trying to overcome so that I don't become that person who snaps when an apple seed falls on the floor!

    I think it would be a great idea to include your mother or both your parents in a session or two of therapy. Having a mediator there could go a long way to letting you say what you need to say without being interrupted or overruled out of hand.

    Good luck!

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  6. I'm really sorry to hear about your sticky situation with your mom. I totally see where you are coming from, because really, it seems like she does try to find things to blame. A seed falling from slicing an apple isn't going to kill your dog. I completely agree with you.

    I really don't know what to say. But I hope things turn out somehow with the relationship. I'm sorry!

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  7. Meg, i have been having family issues with my mother as well. ugh! its just so annoying and i sometimes feel like i will burst. this post really connects with me because my mom ~*~*tries to guilt me into feeling isolated and anti social*~*~ when she says things like hey Lee where have ur friends been? do u have anyone to hang out with until u get back to school?
    i mean, i hang out with ppl when i want to be social, i do not need to justify that. i am my own person.
    and its just so hard to explain to her, i wish i could say
    Mom....... the things you say are hurtful.

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