Friday, January 2, 2009

Oh sickness.

I'm officially sick. And I can't deny it to myself anymore. I woke up around 7 this morning freezing and unable to breathe. Despite this, I still went to the gym. I weighed myself beforehand and the scale told me I was up 4 ounces, which, could be anything from waterweight to added muscle to actual fat. But it's 4 ounces, and ED told me it was 400 pounds.

Well...when times like this happen, I try to talk myself through it. So I began thinking that I need to remain strong, because I AM strong, and I just need to realize how insane all of this is. 4 ounces? I can get over it! That's 4 ounces of HEALTH right there, WHEREVER it is on me. Weight gain is going to be hard, really hard, but I can fight it, I can NOT give in. Food is AMAZING, food is NOT the enemy, and if I eat enough I am going to gain weight but that's okay. My body needs that weight in order to survive. And every time ED pops into my head I need to fight it! I need to be like "listen ED, FUCK OFF! I'm busy living here!" I need to learn to ignore scales and instead learn to look into the mirror and find things about myself that I like. And because I know ED is going to tell me there is NOTHING worth liking in that reflection, I need to realize that it's a LIE! He is wrong. He is altering the way I see myself. I am not fat or disgusting and I will never BE fat or disgusting. I will always be me. I need to take a closer look at how my body functions, and how it functions RIGHT, and how smooth and curvy I will become. I am not fat, I will never be fat. We are all beautiful here. Every single one of us. And we are about a million MORE things, but to sum it all up...

WE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

11 comments:

  1. You are so right girl! You are strong, you are strong, and you are strong. I know you can fight off ED. I know you can!

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  2. You are working so hard to get through this and I admire you. Gaining weight (to me) and accepting it IS the HARDEST thing in recovery. Eat food all day? Sure! Go to therapy? Why not! Be a weight you see as fat? Um...most difficult thing. For sure. I know its hard girl. Its the hardest thing in the world. But this is what I told myself yesterday...
    "if this is the weight i have to be to live my life and have fun, than i just have to be this weight,"
    it put things in perspective.
    get well soon (your sickness) and keep fighting off ed! get rest, too!
    love <3

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  3. heya hun,
    just back from bar shopping...cudnt find the banana bread nkd bar or wallaby pure fruit one but il keep looking over the weekend :) i got so many lol...i jus kept seeing bars and grabbing them like ooo shel love that :)
    aww im sorry ur feeling sick :(
    ok and as for the scales situation, i think weve all been there..we seem to let our scales determine the mood were in. i used to check my weight daily and it was driving me crazy so ive stopped and im only allowing myself check the scales once a week or every second week and i already feel tons better..and b4 i check the scales i look in the mirror and ask myself if i look ok so even if the scale has gone up i cant let ed tell me i look 2000 lbs bigger. its probs jus fluctuations hun anyways, so try not to let it get you down. a number on a tin box does not measure you as a person. the scales is evil and the less you chek it the easier it gets. one of the hardest things in recovery is letting go of the scales obbsession and gaining weight...im in the process of gaining at the mo after over a year of being extremely underweight...and yeah it took some gettin used to and im still far off a healthy weight but it does get easier...i try focus on gaining back some muscle too and making myself feel healthy and fit instead of remebering how i looked at my lowest weight.
    you are so strong and can definetly beat this, just remember EVERYTHING the ed tells you is a lie.
    keep fighting, it can only get better!
    xxxxx

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  4. Keep fighting girly!! You CAN do this and you're right when you say that we are beautiful - don't let a number define your happiness!

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  5. I admire your courage and strength. You'll be better off and able to do a lot more at your body's "happy weight" than you would be if you were trying to lose weight. Keep fighting!

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  6. Yes! Four ounces of HEALTH is right! You're right to say that you'll never be fat or disgusting -- you can be ENERGETIC and FUN and LIVING LIFE!

    Hope the cold passes quickly!

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  7. hate those scales dude...stay strong...stay beautiful!

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  8. your spirit is amazing and inspiring...rock on!

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  9. you are so much more than a number you are an amazing wonderful girl. i believe in you you are incredibly strong!

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  10. thanks for the support hun it means A LOT. I am a stubborn person when it comes to people telling me what to do and whats right against what I think is right and this was obviously one of those instances.ANd since im 18 i have the call on whether i went to IP or not. I just wanted to get better by myself because in my mind i didn't see it as a big deal and i could handle it myself and i WANTED to.

    But after i got bloodwork done and such it showed bad signs and the agreement i had made with my dietician and regular doctor was that health needs trumps all. so if my vitals and bloodwork wasn't good i HAD to go or else i knew a.) my liver was going to fail b.) i was going to die

    so..idk i just kind of made the decision to do it. I still am not wanting to fully go but i know it's for the best and i CANT do it on my own. I can see the MAJOR improvements i have made in the past couple months but it's still no where near healthy.
    We'll see though...it's a process i think i am willing to go through because this has been by the far the worst thing i have gone through in my life and i don't want to be this way forever ya know?

    whats holding you back from getting help?

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  11. What Laura is:
    - Strong
    - Courageous
    - Generous
    - Motivated
    - Optimistic
    - Hard Working
    - Determined
    - Supportive
    - Creative
    - Smart
    - Encouraging
    - An AMAZING friend
    - Beautiful (inside and out!)

    What Laura is NOT:
    - Weak
    - A number on a scale
    - A body fat percentage
    - Defined by her body image
    - Deserving to be bossed around by ED anymore!!!

    try to remember these things girl!! you are an INCREDIBLE person and need to realize this for yourself. Perhaps make your own list?! Try to stay strong love and remember I'm always just an email (or facebook message!) away <3 xoxo

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