Saturday, January 17, 2009

So much to talk about!

Oh gosh, I stress so much, especially when I have so much to talk about! I did take a little load off by writing down all the points I was hoping to make in this post. I guess if I forgot anything, I can just add it the next time!

Before I begin! I just wanted to warn everyone that I opened Panera today. This means I had to wake up at 4:15 this if my writing isn't up to standards, I believe I have an excuse!

Okay. Let's begin with my dinner last night. I tried the Amy's Tofu Scramble pocket. My opinion? It was pretty tasty, but every frozen meal that I've had always seems to be cold in the center, but piping hot on the outside! Maybe I just need to make it piping hot to the extreme in order for the middle to be warm? Haha, I guess maybe making it in the microwave is to blame. It was also a bit soggy, and very dull in color. I'm a HUGE believer in feeding the eyes before the palate, but I guess the flavor made up for it!

I'm also wondering about the WAY people eat. I guess being a food blog, we don't really discuss this, and I don't want to bring up any eating disorder rituals, but I feel as if ever since I left treatment I seem to eat everything separately. I mean, take a sandwich for example. I eat everything in the middle first, and then I eat the bread. Or with a pb sandwich- I take a HUGE blob of peanut butter, put it in the middle, eat all the extra bread around it, and then eat the PB. I think with this it's just that I LOVE a mouthful of peanut butter. But still...I don't know if this is feeding my disorder, or if it's just a little quirk of mine.

My mother got mad at me the other day. This is a pretty regular occurance for me, but I thought that this time it was uncalled for. I don't know if you remember me mentioning a few posts ago that she was trying to encourage me to go out with friends. Well, the other day she actually got upset with me for not being home much at all. I just can't win...and it's very frustrating and stressful. I feel like no matter what I do I just can't live up to the way she wants me to, and I just can't satisfy her.

I did have a pretty good conversation with my dad about my mom the other day though. He told me that she is starting to realize that her nervousness is more than that of a normal person. She's pretty sure she has anxiety (even though my first therapist bluntly told her that!) but she won't do anything about it. I feel like this causes a lot of stress in the household, because she jumps about everything, and then gets upset at me for snapping at her saying "Mom! It's OKAY, it's NOT the end of the world!" I say it nicer sometimes of course, but when it happens MULTIPLE times within minutes I tend to lost my temper.

I just feel like I can't have a good relationship with her. We went to TJ's and Panera the other day, and it was just awkward. ESPECIALLY at Panera. She kept asking me why I got a salad instead of a soup, or why I didn't want to get a different salad, because she thought I liked that OTHER salad. We didn't have a conversation the entire time, because she was either talking about my food, or complaining about hers. *sigh*. I don't mean to complain...I just needed to get it out.

On a lighter note, at work today this kid Alex (who we still can't decide if he is gay or not, but apparently he had a crush on me for the first year that I worked at Panera?). Well, right before I left I was putting my coat on and he was getting ready to start his shift, and he came into the back and said "just to let you know, you look absolutely stunning today!" Of course, I didn't think so! But I thanked him and when he asked what I did differently I said "nothing. I woke up at 4:15am. Maybe the tired look works for me!" And it just wasn't awkward. Normally I don't know how to take compliments, but I think I handled this one pretty well!

Afterwards, I was headed to the restroom and saw D finishing his meal (he was leaving as well). I started talking to him and before I knew it 45 minutes had passed! It was SUCH an easy conversation, and normally when I notice a conversation going well I try to get OUT of the situation (god only knows why! This happens when I'm laughing with someone too. I get uncomfortable having fun for some reason. This will probably be in a different post!). But we just chatted away about school and work and our lives, and he even said that he liked how I kind of talk with my hands and tilt my head a lot (I'm pretty much a spaz!). All these compliments, GOSH! I don't know what to do with myself!!

NUMERO QUATRO (I don't speak spanish.)
I worked on my puzzle for 2 hours last night, and as I was working I thought of this little exercise that I would try. It sounds so silly...but just thinking about it seemed to help, so what the hell?! I'll give it a whirl.

Introduction: You're "applying" for a friendship (it's not shallow I swear!!). Someone is getting to know you and you are telling them about yourself and what your friendship is going to be like.

Instructions: Develop two personality profiles. One for YOU and one of ED. Review them.

Hi. My name's L'sED. I'm short tempered and EXTREMELY precise. My hobbies include counting calories, isolating myself, and being tired & cold ALL the time. Yes, that's a hobby. Don't count on me for having TOO much fun, I don't tend to laugh that much. Oh, and don't plan on going out very much either, I'm not a huge fan of social events. Unless it's the gym, or the grocery store. I like those, and in fact, I go to those almost EVERY day. Sometimes, I wander up and down the aisles of the grocery store looking for absolutely nothing. It sounds boring, and it kind of is. But I do it anyways. Oh, and I hope you enjoy talking about food ALL the time, because that's ALL we will be talking about. Actually, that's all you will be thinking about too because I tend to make sure everything we do involves food. But I won't REALLY eat the food. Just kind of look at it. Sound strange? It is. Accept it.
I'm pretty short tempered, so I hope you can deal with that. I also hope you're okay with me cancelling plans a lot. I tend to think things are a good idea until the moment it's time to do it. Then I have second thoughts. We also can't hang out TOO much because I have at least two doctors appointments a week. You could come if you want, but sometimes they can take up to 3 hours! But that's what friends are for right? Oh...and don't even BOTHER asking me about what I ate that day. I don't like to discuss that with people. Not usually. Unless I decide to tell you that I ate something pretty high calorie. If that's the case, you can pretty much accept it as a lie and move on. I lie a lot. I also cheat and steal. I'm addicted to gum and diet soda. Yes I know these are bad for me, so STOP telling me. See? Short tempered. I like routines and rituals. Don't be spontaneous. We won't get along. Don't ask me to go out to eat with you. I won't. Or if I do I'll be miserable the whole time and PROBABLY won't remember anything you say while eating the meal. I'll be staring at my food, or thinking about what exercise I can do later to burn it off. My hands will always be cold, so stop mentioning it. I'm really fun though! I swear!

Hey hey! My name's Laura. I'm terrible at starting these please give me a chance! I work at Panera Bread, and I LOVE it there. I'm pretty much a spaz, a clutz, and I've been called a goober on multiple occasions. I really don't know what I goober is. I absolutely LOVE trying new things, and tend to be a better listener than a talker. If you want to know what I'm thinking, just ask! I'll try my best to be 100% honest. I hate hurting people, but I LOVE helping them! More than anything actually! I tend to try to find people that need "fixing". Mentally I mean. I'm no doctor! I love having good, deep conversations with people, and I love arguing statements that claim to be true! I love every single season and coffee in any form. I love taking pictures because I believe the best things in life can be found in the fine print. Photography is just one way to capture those extremely discrete details! I have trouble trusting people (it's a working progress!) and I also have trouble saying no! Almost every single person I associate with I genuinely adore. I am pretty laid back about most things, so don't be surprised if I make pretty random faces instead of speaking. It's a habit. =] I HATE redundancy, but I am extremely redundant. But remember, I don't really get mad. EVER. So you can be redundant, and it's okay! I talk WAY too fast, and blush ENTIRELY too much. I flip payphones for world peace, I live for life, I am ready for something new. now.

Who would YOU rather be friends with?


  1. heya girlie,
    i wanna be friends with LAURA :) !!! no competition at all. haha ur so cute. the ed sounds exactly like mine...its funny how we are all so differnt and yet our eds could all be twins, the same thoughts, behaviors and worries etc.

    im sorry you and your mum dont get along as well as youd like to. but at least you tell her how you feel about being too nervous and mayb shell start accepting it and ease up a bit? and maybe she wanted you to socialize to help you beat the ed and then missed your presence around the housewhen you were gone?

    thats so great your so comfortable around d and that ur convo was great :) yay for cute boys!! they make everything funner.

    about the eating food an odd way thing..i can completely relate to you. like with my sandwhiches il seperate the tear of half of a thick slice so its jus a thin slice then....and with cereal i push it all to one side of my bowl and eat it only one or 2 flakes at a time jus to enjoy it more...there kinda the 2 odd things i do, probs not normal but not really edish..i enjoy eating that way! i savour the food more or something.

    i bet your wrecked today after starting work so late, make sure to get a nice long lie in 2moro :)
    love u girlie,

  2. i eat sandwich fillings before the bread too-- i dont' think this is bad. it's just something you like to do. everyone in the world has weird eating quirks, and i doubt this feeds your disorder. :)

  3. Great post! I like your exercise -- I choose Laura!

    1) I wonder if you used a knife to cut a slit in the pocket, about an inch or so long, halfway through... if that would help it cook in the middle. Of course, you could always just cut it in half, but then I suppose the filling would go everywhere!

    2) Ack, mothers. I'm sorry to hear how stressful it's been for you lately (and generally). I hope she can decide to do something about her anxiety. I know what that's like, and how irritable it can make a person -- it's no fun!

    3) What great compliments! Obviously, you were PARTICULARLY fabulous today and everybody had to let you know. That's pretty special, though, to have two GUYS speak up and say nice things.

    4) I'll try to do this on my blog. Thanks for the great idea!

  4. Oh! Sorry for the double comment action, but I meant to say... I have the opposite eating style to you. In fact, I've been noticing more and more how much I enjoy mixing things together -- especially sweet and savory. When I make a sandwich, I try to make sure that EVERY bit has a little bit of every filling!

  5. hey laura! I just want to say that I had that EXACT argument with my mother a few weeks ago. All during my ED, she made me feel guilty for not hanging out with my friends. And finally, as I've recovered I started going out more and more. Well, she started complaining I wasn't around enough. I think it's just our moms' way of worrying. try not to let it get to you.

    Also, great work on those TWO profiles. Your ED is NOT you. and everything you do to seperate yourself from it, it good!!

    Have a great Saturday :)

  6. i'd like to be friends with LAURA! :) don't worry about your relationship with your mom-- i think that as you get older you two will grow closer-- that has deinfitely happened with me and me and my mom used to fight like crazyyy! thanks for this post-- i really like how you compare ED/LAURA-- and i can relate to a lot of what you said about ED! xoxoxo

  7. LAURA ..i pick her!!!!
    I don't think i have EVER heard of that pb sandwhich eating method? haha pretty crazy. Idk it's hard to tell whether its ritual or normal. I have always eaten crust first on sandwhiches because the middle part is my fav and here thats a "ritual". that is def a tough question. I guess if you are thinking about it too much i would consider it ritual.
    hope your night goes well hunnyyyyyy

  8. WOW, what an amazing exercise in separating you from Ed! I love your descriptions of each, but I obviously favor LAURA---I just think the way you wrote out each was fabulous. I don't mean I like Laura's ED! Just the way you wrote it :) I pick YOU gal! Seasons + coffee = <3 Funny faces, too. MuaH!!!

  9. First of all...I PICK LAURA!!!! What a great exercise - you are NOT Ed!!

    Glad to hear you had such a great time talking to D :) That's fantastic news!