Thursday, January 8, 2009

The T Word

First and foremost, let me grab your attention:

Actually, a tofurkey, lettuce, tomato, honey mustard on WW potato bread be exact.
With a beautiful girls blog just hanging out in the background.
Yes I highlight as I read.
Yes my computer highlights in Pink.
Yes...I like it.

Let me explain something. This morning I had two, I repeat, TWO appointments. One at 8:30 (my new primary care physician...she's a doll!) and then my therapist at 10. So I woke up, had breakfast, and brought a luna bar with me to my appointments. I was planning on having it AFTER my therapy, but at 9:30 hunger struck and I went with the flow and ate it. Now, ED HATES morning snacks, and told me that this was now going to be my lunch. So when I got home ED was screaming at me to just have cottage cheese. And you know what came out of that? A wonderful tofurkey sandwich of course! With alllll the fixings. =]


Something pretty interesting came up in my therapy session today. And that's Trust.
Now, I am known to not trust very easily. I can't pinpoint exactly where it came from, or why I am incapable, but it has really affected a lot of relationships in the past. However, I have never thought about it in terms of recovery, or rather, the reason I am unable to recover. I mean...I have been in treatment for 3 years now! You would think that with weekly appointments and admittance to hospitals, and my mother on my back about it that I would have AT LEAST gotten to a healthy weight. But it just hasn't happened. So what's wrong? Why am I not listening to all of these doctors who are trying to fight for my life!? Trust. I don't trust them. I don't trust my doctor for saying that I need to gain weight, I don't trust my nutritionist for saying she isn't trying to make me fat, and I don't trust my mom for preparing good, healthy food. I don't even trust myself to make good decisions, or my body to take care of itself. The only 'person' I trust is ED. Because ED has PROVED to me that listening to him gives me results. Granted, not healthy results, but results nevertheless. But at some point I made the unconcious decision to trust him. And I gave him the chance to show me that listening to him will create an outcome.

So. Where am I going with this? I never gave the doctors, or my nutritionist, a chance. I never actually listened to them. I listened to ED when they told me to eat more, and he told me to eat less. He tells me that they are lieing, but they aren't. I know they aren't. But how am I supposed to trust someone that I never gave a chance? Kind of like "innocent until proven guilty." Has my nutritionist ever made me fat? No. So why do I keep thinking that she will? Has my doctor ever told me that I need to gain weight when I was at a healthy weight? No. So why am I not listening to her? Trust.

It's a little late...but I'm adding to my "Plans for 2009"

In 2009 I plan to...

-beginning trusting the people who are fighting for my life, and stop trusting those who are working against them.


  1. heya girlie,
    beautiful inspiring post :) you really hit the nail on the head on why we have such trust issues with those trying to help us recover.
    i think its so hard to trust those around us cause whatever they tell us...ed tells us the exact opposite. but i think now that your really aware of the trust thing, you can try work on it. your new goal is so inspiring and awesome :)

    and thats fantastic that you listened to your bodys natural hunger cues and not ed. your body needed more fuel and you re-fueled it :) im so proud of you for not letting ed sabatoge you.

    your a star, love you lots
    lauren xxx

  2. it is better late than never :) but i am so proud of you - trust is the most important part of the recovery process!!!

    these professionals are the first people you have to learn to trust. they know what is best for your body and your health so you are on the right track. i still struggle with this (a lot) so i can easily relate. but remember to never, ever listen to ed! he is not rational and he will make up any excuse to tell you otherwise.

    so follow that meal plan and keep up the fabulous commitment! you made the perfect choice to have lunch! have a wonderful day laura! <3

  3. Gorgeous sandwich -- good for you!

    What you said about trust resonates with me completely. I've often wondered when and why and how I learned to be so suspicious and guarded with other people. How fantastic that you're realizing your trust issue right now, and not years and years down the road!

  4. wooo thats my blog thats my blog! right next to the yummest plate of "cottage cheese" ;) i've ever seen.. so proud of your amazing lunch girl!

    This post is wonderful Laura! It's so difficult to NOT trust ED because the truth of the matter is - he does follow through with his "goal". His goal is for us to be super skinny and unhealthy - and he definitely knows the ways to go about doing this.. so your right, if there's one thing we can say about ED - he's true to his word. HOWEVER.. ED's word SUCKS. His goals are ridiculous and they are not good for us! It's time for LAURAS goals to come in to light and become priority and in working towards pursuing those girls I think you will find it way easier to trust your therapists, nutritionists, and most importantly - your body! This is an fantastic breakthrough you had today love - very inspiring! YOU'RE AMAZING :)!! <3

  5. Bravo Laura! So awesome. You are right on track...ED tells us we cannot trust ANYONE and least of all ourselves. So that's a wonderful thing that you are starting to recognize these lies.

    Delicious lunch, by the way ;)

  6. Gorgeous post - very moving. It sounds like you had a really productive therapy session - and your sandwich looks lovely!!!
    Keep battling onwards,
    Jemima x

  7. that sandwich looks amazingly good (and i highlight when i read too lol)

    very inspiring 'trust' post, thanks for sharing

  8. I cannot tell you how proud of you I am!! Trust is HUGE and Ed doesnt want us to trust anyone....learning to trust others and reach out for help is a giant step in the right direction!!! :) :) :)

    Good girlie for not listening to Ed and eating lunch!! :) :)

  9. yay for you! i'm so proud of you for eating LUNCH! luna bar does not = LUNCH! yayyyy laura!!!! i thought your post on trust was very interesting-- but i have a question for you-- do you think that you are withholding gaining weight because of "trust" or because maybe you don't feel 100% ready? i know for me, i had seen nutrionists in the past, heard doctors tell me i needed to gain weight, saw my parents upset bc of how thin i was, saw my therapist etc etc & yes i agree with you about the trust thing-- but it was more like the nutritionist saying i need to eat this and that and DE would say 'dont listen to her shes bullshit'-- but when it came down to it-- i just WAS NOT READY TO GIVE UP DE-- in the past couple of months-- something within me just clicked-- it was not about trust-- it was just the fact i was sick of living so miserably.. i have only come to realize just how SAD i was living consumed by DE... it's something that only you can know within yourself because it is very very difficult and has been for me... gaining weight is hard and it takes work and it takes a lot more food than i thought...basically i'm just saying-- i see that you want so badly to recover but at times you also seem ambivalent (hope you dont take this the wrong way at allll!!!! i love u girl & def send me an email if you want to talk more)-- but what i'm sayin is that once you've made the decision within you, WITHIN LAURA-- that ED is no longer ACCEPTABLE in your life-- it's then and only then will you start to "TRUST" yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. I sometimes highlight when I read too - then I don't get lost ;) FAB blog in the background too!

    Great outlook girl! You should be proud of yourself for making the that decision - it's certainly a step in the right direction my dear :)

  11. Trust is something hard to deal with, and I hope all goes well for you girlie.
    Great post!

  12. hey babes just wanted to check in and let you know treatment is going VERY VERY full pretty much all the time but that will get adjusted but honestly decision of my life. keep reading up on my blog and i hope ( if you are having trouble shutting ED down) this will help you out some because working with an "outpatient team" and not having supervision with what you eat and how much you exercise is dangerous and i realize that now because i milked it for all its worth when that was the case for me. This place is saving my life. I hope tomorrow is a great day for you my dear<3

  13. Hey girl!! how is tofurky? I have always wanted to try it but I was always a little sidetracked by the funky name!
    I understand everything you said, you are so insightful and very wise :) keep on being strong girl, you got it.

  14. wow that last sentence was so touching laura! i think it's important that we ALL start to trust the people who care for us and want to save our lives. who would want to trust someone who was virtually destroying us? i hope you don't mind, but i'm stealing that resolution from you. :)

  15. Great post, Laura. Especially the last sentence. Why would we want to trust ED? He did bring results, but he made us do horrible things to ourselves and others to achieve them. Keep going strong!

  16. Hello,
    I love your blog!
    My ED hates morning snacks too. But today I stuck it to the man and had some trail mix :)
    I just started a recovery-oriented blog myself, and would like to add you to my list (I am still figuring out how to do this...)
    my blog is
    Keep up the good work!