First and foremost, let me grab your attention:
Actually, a tofurkey, lettuce, tomato, honey mustard on WW potato bread SANDWICH...to be exact.
With a beautiful girls blog just hanging out in the background.
Yes I highlight as I read.
Yes my computer highlights in Pink.
Yes...I like it.
Let me explain something. This morning I had two, I repeat, TWO appointments. One at 8:30 (my new primary care physician...she's a doll!) and then my therapist at 10. So I woke up, had breakfast, and brought a luna bar with me to my appointments. I was planning on having it AFTER my therapy, but at 9:30 hunger struck and I went with the flow and ate it. Now, ED HATES morning snacks, and told me that this was now going to be my lunch. So when I got home ED was screaming at me to just have cottage cheese. And you know what came out of that? A wonderful tofurkey sandwich of course! With alllll the fixings. =]
Something pretty interesting came up in my therapy session today. And that's Trust.
Now, I am known to not trust very easily. I can't pinpoint exactly where it came from, or why I am incapable, but it has really affected a lot of relationships in the past. However, I have never thought about it in terms of recovery, or rather, the reason I am unable to recover. I mean...I have been in treatment for 3 years now! You would think that with weekly appointments and admittance to hospitals, and my mother on my back about it that I would have AT LEAST gotten to a healthy weight. But it just hasn't happened. So what's wrong? Why am I not listening to all of these doctors who are trying to fight for my life!? Trust. I don't trust them. I don't trust my doctor for saying that I need to gain weight, I don't trust my nutritionist for saying she isn't trying to make me fat, and I don't trust my mom for preparing good, healthy food. I don't even trust myself to make good decisions, or my body to take care of itself. The only 'person' I trust is ED. Because ED has PROVED to me that listening to him gives me results. Granted, not healthy results, but results nevertheless. But at some point I made the unconcious decision to trust him. And I gave him the chance to show me that listening to him will create an outcome.
So. Where am I going with this? I never gave the doctors, or my nutritionist, a chance. I never actually listened to them. I listened to ED when they told me to eat more, and he told me to eat less. He tells me that they are lieing, but they aren't. I know they aren't. But how am I supposed to trust someone that I never gave a chance? Kind of like "innocent until proven guilty." Has my nutritionist ever made me fat? No. So why do I keep thinking that she will? Has my doctor ever told me that I need to gain weight when I was at a healthy weight? No. So why am I not listening to her? Trust.
It's a little late...but I'm adding to my "Plans for 2009"
In 2009 I plan to...
-beginning trusting the people who are fighting for my life, and stop trusting those who are working against them.