Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dishes and Deep Thoughts...

Well, right now I'm sitting in the Chemistry Cafe just waiting for 1:00 to roll around so I can head to the doctor. I'm a bit nervous, but not as nervous as I normally am. I am going to accept what she tells me, and if it calls for action then I am going to be sure to do it!!

Last night I had a snack that I've seen around the blogs for some time now, yet ED told me that I would never be "allowed" to have it. Well, you know what? Last night I was CRAVING it, so I opened my freezer- popped a chocolate vitamuffin in the microwave, and SMEARED White Chocolate Wonderful pb along the top.
I. Have. Never. Been. So. Happy.
It was incredible! ED really doesn't let me have very FLAVORFUL things, especially combination of things. Sometimes he tells me that something tastes good, even when it doesn't. So being able to combine flavors and enjoy it was truly an amazing feeling!!

Well, of course amazing feelings always come with their fair share of "guilt", at least...if ED has a say in it. Well, as I was washing my pile of dishes last night, I remembered something that Emily texted to me a couple of days ago- she told me that her new favorite line is "no guilt." You had an extra snack? No guilt. You had pasta instead of bread? NO GUILT! It's such a simple line, but it really helped me last night.

But I also began thinking, as I was scrubbing away, about the times that I DID take a little extra, or had an extra snack. And I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone, but I'm going to give it a try. Although on that specific day I stressed over the fact that I had, let's say, another bowl of cereal- looking back I can't remember those times that I had a little extra. I know when I actually ate it I felt bad, almost REGRET, but that feeling only lasted for that day. Chances are the next morning I woke up and forgot about it- and just focused on the day ahead of me (please note, I'm not talking about the days that you OVER ate, just the days when you ate a little more than usual.) HOWEVER, things I DO remember are the positives- my first slice of pizza after three years, that second cupcake I took, eating intuitively, having another bowl of cereal and feeling good about it. So my question is- why do I worry about regretting something when that feeling is only going to last a couple of hours? I know all of you are saying "well just don't regret it!" but sometimes ED just let's it linger. If the positives are what stays with me, then why not try to make more of them, and just LET myself take a little extra. The feelings won't last longer than that day.

This made SO much more sense when I thought about it! Ehhh, I'm sorry!

Have a good day though!


  1. You're AMAZING, Laur-Laur... I'm so proud of all you've accomplished. The MENTAL/EM0TI0NAL aspects of Ed are definitely the hardest to overcome. Go into your appt SMILING... In the words of the Buddha, "Smile at Fear." Empower LAURA! <333

  2. i'm so happy for you! that is one of the best snacks ever and i'm so glad you allowed yourself it! sidenote: i eat that once a day and haven't gained weight in months... tell THAT to ed next time he tries to butt in. ;)

    also, guilt should NEVER be present in terms of nourishing our bodies. that's something i'm working really hard towards! this post was so great - thanks for all the insight love! <3

  3. I'm SO happy those words helped you out last night!! We just need to keep in mind that even if we ate a delicious, satisfying snack like that every single day... nothing would happen!! My mother & therapist tell me this constantly & it's SO hard for me to get through my head, but definitely good to keep in mind. Another thing the people in my life tell me a lot is that life is short & to deny yourself life's pleasures while youre here for this speck of time is not fair to you! (Definitely another difficult one to listen to but my Mom's constantly throwing that one at me haha).

    Anyways girl, have a fantastic night!

  4. heya hun
    NO GUILT...i love it :) il definetly remeber it! and im so glad you enjoyed such a nice snack last so proud of you. keep on taking positive steps to recovery hun, ur an inspiration!
    love you

  5. Beautiful words girl. You are definitely right. When I used to allow myself a little extra when I was in the worst stages of my ED, I used to freak out and overcompensate the next day. But now if I do have a little extra, sometimes I don't feel guilt and sometimes I do. But then the next morning--I forget about it and don't overcompensate and just eat what I am supposed to eat.
    You are amazing!

    and i dont know if you read about my post on my new rule-- not associating guilt with food-- sounds a lot like what emily was talking about:) there is no point in associating these things-- food is simply FOOD! we should NEVER feel bad about it-- we have for too long. xoxox

  7. I am so proud of you! really am! Not only for enjoying the fantastic (and one of my fav PM snacks) but for understanding NO GUILT!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)

  8. Little Miss Laur! Love this post :) NO GUILT for sure - enjoy it all!

  9. That snack sounds great and I am so proud of you! Just keep talking it out because I have a feeling that is probably helpful!

    P.s. CEREAL ROCKS! ;)

  10. that snack sounds delicious. love white chocolate pb - so good.

    guilt free eating is the best :)

  11. great outlook...keep it up..I LOVE THE NO GUILT rule and will apply it to myself :) xxx

  12. don't worry, this definitely still makes a lot of sense. it's very easy to say not to feel guilty about eating extra food if you're hungry, but i know it's hard. so, good for you for having the no guilt rule! love it. have a gorgeous friday!

  13. my boyfriend always reminds me: get that extra snack in, go the extra mile, live!