Warning: this post is not going to be organized.
I have too many topics that I want to touch upon in order for this to be organized. So I appologize. I actually think I am going to number it...for my own sanity.
1. I forgot to mention how much of an impact everyone's comments made on my take of gaining weight. I'm not sure WHO mentioned it, but someone said that "there is no upper limit when trying to gain weight" and this has been stuck in my head over the past few days and has helped me a lot. This is absolutely true, and repeating it to myself has made eating more seem much easier! So thank you to everyone for those amazing comments! I only get concerned when I eat too much at once because I didn't eat enough throughout the day. I want to make sure that I am gaining weight in a structured manner, that way once I reach a point where I can start cutting back, I will already have "re-learned" how to eat. Does this make sense?
2. I've been doing very well over the last week. I've challenged myself to foods I would never IMAGINE allowing myself to eat (ie. bagels with peanut butter, wraps over 500 calories, cookies, etc) and it honestly has never felt so amazing! I was almost positive that I had gained weight, yet when I went to the doctor yesterday I found out that I was stable. This is definitely a good thing, and my doctor was pleased because I told her how hard I was trying, but this is really an eye-opener in regards to showing myself how MUCH I can eat.
3. Now, this relates to #2. I have found that when I eat these "higher-calorie" foods, and then I come look at blogs, I begin to feel guilty for eating them. I think my eating disorder likes to compare how MUCH I eat to what everyone else is eating. It's difficult right now, because everyone on here is at a different point in their recovery- some trying to gain, some trying to maintain, and some trying to lose (not at a good point!). So I may try to spend less time around the blogs for a little while- for my own health. I'll still be checking in and updating, but I just don't want you girls thinking I totally bailed on you! I'll still be here...but I need to focus on myself for a little while, and on school (which honestly is going terribly...but I don't want to think about that at this point).
4. I had anothing slight "realization" over these past few days that I thought I would share with you girls. I was eating dinner with my friend and we both decided to get cookies for desert. As we were sitting down eating them, my friend looks at her's and puts it down. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she simply didn't like it- and she wanted ice cream instead. I smiled and said "okay, then go get ice cream!" but while she was gone I really began to think. Every since my eating disorder began, I kind of lost touch with my ability to determine the differences in food. It's hard to explain, but to me- a cookie is a cookie. I don't eat a cookie and really think about the flavor and compare it to OTHER cookie's I've had in the past. Instead, I accept it as a cookie, a sweet treat, sometimes a FORBIDDEN treat, and that's that. I simply want to be able to TASTE food again. To have preferences and the ability to determine differences in flavors. I know it will come, and it's starting to, but I really can't wait until I have that back again!
5. As many of you may remember, this past summer I attended a Partial Hospitalization Program. I only stayed for roughly a week, however while I was there I formed a bond with one of the girls. She is one of the sweetest, smartest, and most genuine person I have ever met, and I truly consider myself blessed to have ever been able to meet her. Well, recently we have been talking a lot- about recovery, this blog, our lives, and especially what has helped us through the hardest of times. We both discovered that making bracelets was an excellent form of therapy. It's a way to keep our hands and minds busy, a way to relax, be creative, and prove to ED that we are capable of creating something out of nothing- proving to him that we are more than our eating disorder.
Well, when I went downstairs to get the mail today I had a package waiting for me. I opened it up and look what it was: (!!!!!!)
I had mentioned that I couldn't find it anywhere, and there was nowhere around UConn that supplied crafts such as this, so she agreed to send me some. She also included an inspirational quote and amazing letter on the back (which brought me to tears). For confidentiality reasons, I'm not going to mention her name- but if she is reading this I want her to know that she has changed my life. She has made me such a strong person and I would not be the person I am today without having met her. She made that week at PHP bareable, and gave me someone to look up to. Thank you so much for all of this, we are definitely going to be in each other's lives forever and I can't wait until I come home so we can get together <3
I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and a wonderful day tomorrow!
Oh, and don't forget to enter the Quaker Giveaway by Wed. at 5pm!
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