Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A mish-mash of topics all needed to be said.

Warning: this post is not going to be organized.

I have too many topics that I want to touch upon in order for this to be organized. So I appologize. I actually think I am going to number it...for my own sanity.

1. I forgot to mention how much of an impact everyone's comments made on my take of gaining weight. I'm not sure WHO mentioned it, but someone said that "there is no upper limit when trying to gain weight" and this has been stuck in my head over the past few days and has helped me a lot. This is absolutely true, and repeating it to myself has made eating more seem much easier! So thank you to everyone for those amazing comments! I only get concerned when I eat too much at once because I didn't eat enough throughout the day. I want to make sure that I am gaining weight in a structured manner, that way once I reach a point where I can start cutting back, I will already have "re-learned" how to eat. Does this make sense?

2. I've been doing very well over the last week. I've challenged myself to foods I would never IMAGINE allowing myself to eat (ie. bagels with peanut butter, wraps over 500 calories, cookies, etc) and it honestly has never felt so amazing! I was almost positive that I had gained weight, yet when I went to the doctor yesterday I found out that I was stable. This is definitely a good thing, and my doctor was pleased because I told her how hard I was trying, but this is really an eye-opener in regards to showing myself how MUCH I can eat.

3. Now, this relates to #2. I have found that when I eat these "higher-calorie" foods, and then I come look at blogs, I begin to feel guilty for eating them. I think my eating disorder likes to compare how MUCH I eat to what everyone else is eating. It's difficult right now, because everyone on here is at a different point in their recovery- some trying to gain, some trying to maintain, and some trying to lose (not at a good point!). So I may try to spend less time around the blogs for a little while- for my own health. I'll still be checking in and updating, but I just don't want you girls thinking I totally bailed on you! I'll still be here...but I need to focus on myself for a little while, and on school (which honestly is going terribly...but I don't want to think about that at this point).

4. I had anothing slight "realization" over these past few days that I thought I would share with you girls. I was eating dinner with my friend and we both decided to get cookies for desert. As we were sitting down eating them, my friend looks at her's and puts it down. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she simply didn't like it- and she wanted ice cream instead. I smiled and said "okay, then go get ice cream!" but while she was gone I really began to think. Every since my eating disorder began, I kind of lost touch with my ability to determine the differences in food. It's hard to explain, but to me- a cookie is a cookie. I don't eat a cookie and really think about the flavor and compare it to OTHER cookie's I've had in the past. Instead, I accept it as a cookie, a sweet treat, sometimes a FORBIDDEN treat, and that's that. I simply want to be able to TASTE food again. To have preferences and the ability to determine differences in flavors. I know it will come, and it's starting to, but I really can't wait until I have that back again!

5. As many of you may remember, this past summer I attended a Partial Hospitalization Program. I only stayed for roughly a week, however while I was there I formed a bond with one of the girls. She is one of the sweetest, smartest, and most genuine person I have ever met, and I truly consider myself blessed to have ever been able to meet her. Well, recently we have been talking a lot- about recovery, this blog, our lives, and especially what has helped us through the hardest of times. We both discovered that making bracelets was an excellent form of therapy. It's a way to keep our hands and minds busy, a way to relax, be creative, and prove to ED that we are capable of creating something out of nothing- proving to him that we are more than our eating disorder.

Well, when I went downstairs to get the mail today I had a package waiting for me. I opened it up and look what it was: (!!!!!!)

Colored hemp!
I had mentioned that I couldn't find it anywhere, and there was nowhere around UConn that supplied crafts such as this, so she agreed to send me some. She also included an inspirational quote and amazing letter on the back (which brought me to tears). For confidentiality reasons, I'm not going to mention her name- but if she is reading this I want her to know that she has changed my life. She has made me such a strong person and I would not be the person I am today without having met her. She made that week at PHP bareable, and gave me someone to look up to. Thank you so much for all of this, we are definitely going to be in each other's lives forever and I can't wait until I come home so we can get together <3

I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and a wonderful day tomorrow!

Oh, and don't forget to enter the Quaker Giveaway by Wed. at 5pm!


  1. ah beautiful Laura this post made me so happy! I am so proud of you for all of your accomplishments that week and the last thing i want is for blogging to hinder that so PLEASE I definitely support/encourage your limited blogging. Live your life according to what LAURA wants and what LAURA likes.. and enjoy the process of redisocovering what exactly that is. I wish you the best angel and please keep in touch <3 love you!

  2. I totally understand your trouble with looking at other blogger's eats and comparing your own to them. Sometimes this is a huge trigger for me and I can't help but think about how much they're eating and exercising and what I'm doing and if I'm gaining or losing or what. It's so though!

    Hang in there, it sounds like you're making some really great progress!

  3. Hey, I'm Tori. You don't know me,as I just started a blog recently, but I've been kinda reading around for awhile. Anyways,I can totally empathize with you, on so many fronts. I have to eat 3600 calories a day, and it feels like I eat have to eat so much more than everyone else. I went through that all the times I was inpatient as well. Actually at my last stay in IP before my most recent relapse, the nutritionist actually told me "We have never had a female inpatient need this many calories (4400-4600) and still not make the 2-lbs a week minimum" :sigh: But being able to eat so much does make me feel more secure that when I get to a pooint where I can start to maintain, I will feel like I can eat as a normal person would and not revert back to anorexia again. Recovery is hard work. But you have to remember, your body is unique to you, and that it will have slightly different needs than others. The only thing that is not unique is that you need to fuel it - and when you are recovering from anorexia - it generally needs more fuel than the average, especially in the beginings.
    Its good that you have made so much progress in challenging yourself with new and higher calorie foods. It makes it SO much easier to get in what you need. I know for me, the healthier I've gotten physically, the easier and easier it becomes to feel strong enough to challenge my ED. It sounds like you are really going places. As a note - I really admire how you are able to go out and eat with friends. That has always been the hardest thing for me and I am still working on it.
    Oh, and PS - I LOVE making hemp jewelery. I've been making it for years. So I have a million. I give them away as birthday presents, Christmas gifts and when I end up with too many to hold onto, there's always "Gee, I haven't seen you in awhile, here's a necklace!"

    Keep going strong

  4. You are doing a great job Laura, keep up the great work.
    You need to do what is best for you and I know that it is hard not to compare what you are eating to other's. I support your decision 100% to step back from the blogs. Take care! I know you will recover...look how far you have come in just this past month!

  5. I am so glad you could organize allll of your thoughts into one pleasant-to-read list :D Yay!

    How nice of your friend from treatment. Its amazing how you can meet people in the strangest of circumstances. Its beautiful, too.

    If you've ever gained weight in a hospital setting like I did, you know that there is NO UPPER LIMIT! Try 4000+ calories a day, to gain. And that was for girls. Imagining how much the guys had to eat is mind boggling. I commend you for doing this on your own though. Make it as positive and uplifting as possible!


  6. Wow- with your incredible insight, I can't see how you WOULDN'T succeed at recovery. You're on a good path, my dear, keep rockin' it!

  7. Girl, I know how seeing others' food intake and comparing it to your own can be triggering at times. . . so do what you need to do. Stepping away from blogging may be what you need right now. Do what is right for YOU. and Stay Strong.
    Much Love,

  8. hi baby girl! wow i have a lot to say here! i can totally relate to "food comparing" because even though i tell myself not to, i do it anyways. its hard but you also have to keep in mind people do not post EVERY bite they eat-- and everyone has different needs! but i think if you need a break you should take one. i've kind of given up trying to compare myself with other people, im working on it now, but its so freeing to not compare my eats, my body, and my workouts with other people. i am me. period.

    i can also relate to the whole TASTE thing-- i felt like i was not really TASTING food for a while, infact i thought everything was "good". now i am beginning to realize the taste and texture of food again :)

    and yes, you can eat a lot more than you think and not gain weight.. the body needs FUEL!!! have a great day baby girl
    xo j

  9. Aw what a thoughtful gift! You girls are lucky to have each other as friends :) I know what you mean about comparing what you eat to others, but just try to remember it is ED who does that, not Laura! I'm so happy that you've been challenging yourself with all sorts of previously scary foods and that you've proven that your body can handle it! Hopefully that will bring your anxiety about food down in the future!

  10. I have that exact same hemp set! Making jewellery is so therapeutic.
    Well done for challenging yourself with all those different higher calorie foods. I know what you mean about feeling a bit bad after reading other people's blogs - I have to keep reminding myself that I need more calories than a lot of people at the moment, so there's no point comparing my intake to someone who is trying to maintain/lose. It's one of those things that you KNOW, rationally, but eating disorders have a habit of scrambling rational thoughts and putting their own commentary in! Good luck with continuing with your challenges, it sounds like you are doing great :)

  11. hey laura,
    i just came across your blog and already the first few words sounded like my own. I get affected by reading blogs too alot and that's why it is SO important to find blogs that are good for you. dont read blogs that trigger. maybe after some time you can go back to them and read them. that's what i found helped me alot. you are so right when you said that everyone is at a different stage of recovery (or not!!!). it's your life... you make the choice. and i'm happy to read that you challenged yourself succesfully.
    feel free to stop by my blog some day
    lots of care

  12. hi girlie
    im so so proud of you for all the realizations your making and the progress too :) its great youve kept your weight stable and your realizing how much you can eat, its the ed that makes you doubt that so i think your definetly thinking more about what laura wants instead of what the ed wants which is such a great step!
    keep up the great progress girlie, were all super proud of you :)
    love you lots

  13. I've always said this, but do what you have to do for you! ALWAYS put yourself first no matter what!! I'm so glad to hear you've been making leaps and bounds in terms of your recovery, that's FABULOUS!! You are an amazing girl :)

  14. Hey sweets!
    I am so proud of the progress you are making and the realizations you have come to. You are really challenging yourself and realizing teh freedom of joys of a life away from ED.
    Keep fighting and stay strong. Take Care!

  15. You go Laura!! Great job challenging yourself!! And hey a week of stableness (haha excuse the made up word =D) and challenging food is really good...try not to get discouraged HYPER METABOLISM! I actually lost weight my first week or so of treatment and didnt make progress till about the 3rd <3
    I so know what you mean about tasting foods and knowing the difference in flavors i still very much struggle with that.
    Enjoy the hemp!! im so glad you liked it! I'm sooo excited for you to come home too lets definitely get together <3
    its really great seeing you make healthy choices for YOUSELF so keep up the good work girlyy!!

  16. Laura,

    I have never made a comment before, but I've been reading your blog when I saw it came up in the Daily Campus. I was surprised to see that someone actually has a food blog at our university! I just recently created a blog myself and I hope to keep a log of my eats.

    Stay strong, Laura and don't let your eating disorder conquer you. Do not worry about counting calories, and don't put any foods "off limits". Always eat what you crave, foods that make you feel good. Don't deny yourself anything. And most importantly, listen to your body! Have a great day!

  17. What a touching post! Girl I am so proud of you for coming so far and I know that you have sooooo much in store! Just keep telling yourself that your dietary needs are different than others. ALSO, you may be a bit further along in recovery than some other bloggers, so do not compare your treats to theirs! Stay Strong girlie and have fun making bracelets! :D

  18. wow! I love how you're getting closer and closer to recovery and the whole process of changing your ED thoughts! you're doing fab, and such an inspiration to me.
    I understand what you mean by some blogs being triggering. I think it is a wise idea to stay away from them. that said, I'll bet there still ARE some blogs that can help you in your recovery! just stick to reading them for the time being!

  19. Hey, I juat wanted to say thanks for the encouragement and all. I feel very flattered! I've always read your blog and found you to be inspiring.

    I know, I am really lucky to have my mom on my side now. It's been six years, so she has had a lot of time to build up her understanding of me haha. It's taken awhile, but things are good between us now and we can talk about it. I hope you and your mom get to that point too, if you aren't there already.

    Hope you have a good weekend!


  20. I agree with wanting to TASTE food. I am trying to get over seeing food as the enemy. As oppose to food representing nutrients and being healthy. Keep your chin up. I am trying to deal with some of the same issues.

  21. I just started reading but wanted to send some CONGRATS on all the progress you've been making. I'm sure you are an inspiration to others as they continue on their journeys, as well.

    Have a great weekend ;)

  22. It's so great that you are challenging yourself because its such an important step! don't let blogs discourage your tremendous progress because everyone is in different points of their recovery, and by challenging yourself you are another giant step foward towards recovery and happiness! Don't let others dictate what is right for you, because only you can understand what you need to do to accomplish recovery. You are strong and inspiring so keep it upp girll! xoxMeagan

  23. <3 Just wanted to thank you for the comment, it was so sweet of you. I feel so flattered ^.^

    BTW - I totally get the inpatient thing. Last winter - I was hospitalized for the third and fourth times. In my first program(Long Island Jewish) - they had me up to 3600 calories in two weeks. I only gained two pounds in the three weeks I was there, so they transfered me to a "stronger" treament center (Cornell). At Cornell, they had me at 4500-4600 calories daily. And I stopped gaining the last week I was there. The nutritionist told me they'd never had a female inpatient need that many calories to begin with to gain, let alone see the gain stop. Fortunately I was discharged shortly thereafter. There was talk of tube-feeding me at night in addition my 4600 calories during the day. :shudders: Like you though, when I remember that - it makes me feel a lot less afraid and it kind of reminds me of how silly ED is.

    Hope you're having a good weekend!