Thursday, March 12, 2009

She said "I think I'll go to Boston"..

That's right, I'm off to visit my friend in Boston this morning. She goes to Northeastern and it was a very "spur of the moment" decision! I'm extremely excited! She just loves showing me around the city, and there is never a dull moment!

I also wanted to thank everyone who commented on my video post. I'm extremely self-conscious and it took a lot for me to post that. But thank you for the positive comments, I'm not ALWAYS that much of a spaz...I promise! Just in front of the "camera".

But now it's time to be honest.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and it didn't go very well. I'm at my lowest weight and they are concerned that if I can't get my weight up, they aren't going to allow me to stay in school. This scares me SO much. I love being in school, and at this point I'm going to do anything to stay in school. I got blood work done to check my thyroid, because I've been eating a lot yet never seem to feel satisfied....which could obviously be just because my weight is low but I guess it can't hurt just to check. My doctor is also sending me information on Residential Programs for over the summer. She said I don't need to decide right away, but it would be a good idea to get in contact with someone in case I do decide to give one of them a try.

So I'm wondering if any of you girls could recommend any programs. My doctor spoke VERY highly of Princeton, which I know a few of you girls have gone too. She mentioned a few others but I can't remember the names right now. This is scary to me, so any information would be greatly appreciated.

I'll leave you with a new bar for me. It's funny, because at the beginning of the school year my roommate would always grab a balance bar when she was hungry and I (ED) would look at her and swear that I would never have one. 200 calories? God forbid! Well...I kicked ED to the curb and bought this baby-'s a cell phone picture.
My opinion? Delicious!!! Normally I'm not a fan of this kind of textured bar (too protein-y bar for me) but the fact that the outside was coated in a peanut butter flavored WHO KNOWS WHAT was just what I needed. It was very sweet, and yeah...kind of artificial, but it was tasty and packed a punch regarding vitamins and minerals...which is what my body needs right now!!

That's what I'm kind of confused about actually. At the beginning of the school year, when I was in a better place weight-wise (not mentally), I would NEVER touch one of these bars, and I longed for the day that I would allow myself to eat peanut butter, and yogurt? YEAH RIGHT! I've eaten pizza and eggs and all of these foods that I wouldn't eat before. So I feel as if I've moved forward mentally (only slightly of course!) but my weight isn't proving that to the doctors. It's extremely frustrating.

I'm sorry about this long post! I'm off to Boston! I'll be bringing my laptop so comments will be read, and I'll try to stay updated- otherwise I'm just going to let loose and enjoy my friends company! (Jaime, we're going to be in the same city! WOOT!)



  1. hi hun
    im sorry about the low weight at the docs, but try see it as motivation to really challenge and push yourself. id say your metabolism is speeding up alot if your eating more now than before and still losing. did the doc mention anything about that?
    i hope the research into the treatment centres goes well, sorry i cant be of any help but ive never been in resedential...and im in ireland aswell.
    have a wonderful time with your friend :) im so glad youe engaging in spontinaety and fun!
    love you girlie

  2. hey girl! hope you have a great day with your friend! i know you'll prob be busy with her but def come one time and meet up with me-- i'll show you a whole different side to the city i can guarantee you that! hahah

    also-- i find that i had the same problem as you with never feeling "satiated" however whenever i eat fat-- i.e. peanut butter/nuts i find this does the trick! hope this helps and have a wonderful day in my dear city! xoxoxo

  3. Hang in there!

    The good thing is that now you know that you need to do more to gain and can work towards that goal.

    Have an amazing time with your friend. You deserve the break! Boston is such a great city with tons of amazing food!

  4. well, i can't tell you ENOUGH how proud i am that you tried new foods, BUT that doesn't always =weight gain, which is what is needed right now for you to stay alive!
    I def reccomend Princeton, it's the bizzomb as far as treatment goes haha. i was the SAME way girlfriend..i thought " wtf im trying new food, im EATING actually, it's not my fault im not gaining weight! i'm fine! i'm better mentally then i was 2 months ago!"....boy was i wrong-o.
    i never really realized how much i SHOULD be eating when i went to treatment. you really need to eat until you are FULL...whether thats downing a sandwich, soup, veggies, fruit and cottage cheese at need to push your stomach and give your body what it needs.
    i know you want recovery and i know you have faith...but sometimes we all need that extra kick in the butt to get where we need to be..and it's worth me.
    i love you girl and write me on FB or text me or call me if you neeeeeddd me!!
    all my love,

  5. Sorry to hear that the physical side of recovery is still a bit rocky -- but I think the mental achievements you've made are OUTSTANDING. And that's the hardest and most important part, in my opinion. I think the physical stuff will follow, as long as you keep pushing back against ED and make a real effort to give your body what it NEEDS.

  6. I'm sorry I haven't watched the video yet - I've been supah busy studying like a good student should. I'm sure you are SIMPLY FABU as usual :)

    Have fun in Boston and use it as motivation to further your recovery - you WILL get there, princess!!

  7. I'm sorry your doctor's appointment was so disappointing; I know how frustrating it is to feel like you've been making leaps and bounds mentally but physically your body still seems to be moving in the other direction. My therapist wants me to look at residential programs for the summer too (I'm hell-bent on graduating this May)..I'm in the Midwest but I've heard that there are some really good programs in Minneapolis/St. Paul.

    I hope you have a fabulous time visiting your friend in Boston!

  8. Hey sweetie!

    I am sorry that the doctor's appointment didn't go the best. I know you have made so many steps mentally, and even phsycially with trying new foods, so maybe you just need to transfer some of those accomplishments and effort more toward the physical aspects (if that akes any sense).

    Also, I had my first Balance Bar last weekend. i trie dthe Caramel Nut bar which was covered in chocolate. It was also really good, so I highly recommend it. I want to try the balance bar eventually. i am just getting into eating the higher calorie bars (I was like you where I wouldn't touch a small size snack that packed 200 calories). I am plannig a Whole Foods trip this weekend to pick up a stash -- my grocery store doesn't carry many varieties.

    Take care sweetie and keep fighting!

  9. Im sorry about the doctors appointment. I was in residential treatment at the Cambridge Eating Disorder Center in Cambridge, Mass three times. I found it really helpful- its small- only 10-12 girls on a floor and its usually not full. Plus its right in Harvard Square so there is always something exciting going on.

    Ive been trying to build myself up to trying a balance bar. Youve definitely inspired me.

  10. This is my first post. I want to recommend some residential programs. My favorite was Rogers Memorial Hospital in Wisconsin. The program is set up so you have more of a voice in your recovery. It helped me so much b/c it was really good for me to want recovery and do it b/c of me and not b/c they were making me.
    I also went to Remuda Ranch in Arizona. I know RR is suppose to be one of the best programs in the US but it was not for me. I was tube feed and it felt like recovery was just forced on me and NOT my choice. I was raised Jewish and RR is a Christian based program so that was also a little different. I know there are a lot of good places in the east coast too.
    Good luck!!!

  11. I love that song! Augustana right? It must be so frustrating for your MAJOR progress to not be showing up on the scale. But honestly the mental part is the toughest so you should be really happy about how far you've come!

  12. Hey girl! Enjoy the company of your friend and I hope you choose the program that is right for you! I like Balance Bars....Balance Pure Bars are a little less "protein-y"!

  13. I know someone who went to Remuda Ranch in Virginia for residential treatment. They are VERY well-known as a treatment center, and it is an actual ranch out in the country. They are pretty strict about fighting ed and making sure everyone follows their meal plan. It is highly well regarded!

  14. Here's the link to Remuda Ranch, it's definitely worth a look!

  15. Hey Laur--
    I hope you have so much fun in Boston! That's definitely a city on my "to-visit" list. Take lots of pics!

    I agree with Kath...although you may be eating new foods, trying different products, and challenging fearful meals, you're not gaining weight (or even maintaining) for a reason: your not eating ENOUGH !! it doesn't matter what you eat, its how much. and this is an instance of not enough. I am proud of your progress! But sometimes gaining weight is the hardest progress to make, which is why treatment is necessary for some. I would definitely recommend Princeton, since I spent two months there winter of 2007-2008. Email me if you have any questions!

    <3 amy