Friday, March 13, 2009

Wait...Which train am I on?

Yes, Jaime will be disappointed, but I got on the wrong train. Rather, the right train in the wrong direction. So here I am, just chilling at South Station waiting for the 10:25 train back. However, I did have time to grab some breakfast at Au Bon Pain and write another post for everyone! I somehow found my motivation to post over vacation. Actually..I'm going to take a phone picture of where I am right now, just so you have SOME visual prior to this lengthy post!!

Something tells me they like their Pepsi here....I hope they don't mind if I pull out my coke right about now...


I wrote this earlier when I couldn't find wi-fi, but now that I'm connected I'm going to do a little copy-paste action:

So I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I began thinking about two options that I have to choose from during this process of recovery. I call them “Little High- Big Low” or “Little Low- Big High”. They may seem kind of obvious to you, but writing them down and really thinking about them seems to make me more aware of the choices I make and what’s really important.

Option #1. Little High- Big Low

Little High- This is the “high” that I get when I listen to my disorder. That moment of gratitude that lasts, literally, just that moment. This is when ED tells me “Laura, if you don’t have that cookie after lunch then I’ll allow you coffee this afternoon. And you know how much you enjoy the extra calories from that milk when you know it’s not making you gain weight. If you eat that cookie, AND drink that coffee…oh god. Make room for a WHALE!” So I skip the cookie and have the coffee, and I get a little “high”. I’m feeling pretty good about myself for listening to ED. But then comes…

Big Low- This is the big picture. This is everything that happens from the point that I “skip the cookie” to the end of my days. So I decided to skip that cookie, then the next day lunch time rolls around and ED tells me “Laura…come on, you didn’t have a cookie yesterday and you DON’T want to eat more than yesterday. So skip the cookie again today. And while you’re at it you don’t need cheese on that sandwich. If you skip the cheese I’ll let you have a coffee AGAIN today. Remember how much you enjoyed it yesterday?” But then it keeps on going. My ED likes to compete with itself and make sure that each day I’m not eating more than the day before. So if I skip something one day, each day will just get worse and worse. From there I’ll start losing weight, missing out on key vitamins and minerals, and probably end up in the hospital. If I end up in the hospital my parents won’t pay for me to go to school far away, and I’ll lose a lot of my friends, and basically the life I know. And that’s only if I just end up in the hospital! My life is at risk, and I can’t forget about that…

Option #2 Little Low- Big High

Little Low- This is the negative feeling that I get when I increase my calories, or eat that extra cookie. I begin to feel like I have failed, like I am about to blow up like a balloon. But this feeling doesn’t last long, which is why it’s considered a “little low”. I soon forget about this feeling, on most days, and each morning I wake up ready to begin a new day. In the moment it’s extremely difficult to handle. I often feel as if everyone around me can tell that I ate a HUGE lunch, and therefore thinks less of me.

Big High- THIS IS MY FUTURE! This is what I get for pushing through the little low’s. This is my college graduation, my first job, my first home, my husband, my children, my proud parents. These are the people that I will help, the lives I will change, and the world I will live in. This is what really matters.

I choose option #2.


  1. OPTION 2 ALL THE WAY GIRL! ah, i love this post.. it REALLY puts things into perspective. I think its always a great idea to weigh the pros and cons in different situations and now that you've laid it out there like that i see that little low-big high is definitely more preferable!!! It's so silly for us to listen to ED and think he's doing us a "favor" by allowing us to "have coffee with milk" WE are doing OURSELVES a favor when we have the coffee with milk AND the cookie!

    ahh I'm sorry you missed you train, love - but i have to say i'm a little grateful that it gave you time to write this post :). Travel safely and have an amazing time in boston <3 can't wait to hear all about it precious xoxo love ya!

  2. YES YES YES for #2! I'm SO happy you laid things out like this, to really grasp what the two paths (of many) can look like. You are making progress just by realizing this. Thank you for doing this post, it helped not only you, but many others who will read it. Including myself! Thank you, thank you. I really took this to heart.

    Have a great day! Enjoy boston :)

  3. Great post! I think we're always tempted to take the 'little high' over the big one, because it feels like immediate gratification -- even though it's the exact opposite of that! But the 'big high' is what we should always be working towards -- good choice!

    Hope there are no more wrong trains in your future!

  4. hi girlie
    OPTION 2!OPTION 2!!! 100 percent!i love the way you laid this out and seperated the feelings so well. i can completely relate to everything you said and im so so proud of you for these realizations :)
    we must make all the effort to always go for option no.2 no matter what!
    have a wonderful day hun,
    love you lots

  5. hey girl! no worries about the train hahah it happens to the best of us!
    omg i love this post and can relate to it soooo much!! seriously those are the exact thoughts that i have in my head!!! wow. thank you so much for writing this and i'm so glad you realize what YOU WANT! glad you had a nice time in btown! xo

  6. Great post! I can def. relate to all of your options..I had the same mind set when i was almost pulled out of school, i realized that i had worked to hard to get where i was academically and was not about to give all of that up!

    I try to make my day to day events like your option 2, its really inspirational and helpful to read that Im not the only one who looks at life from more then one way, realizing that you do have options in your life, and you can control what is best for you!

  7. Awesome post! I loved it. Great job choosing option 2. You have a very bright future ahead of you!!!
    Lots of love,

  8. yay!! i love this post! option 2 all the way! such a great way to put it xxx

  9. This is sooooo true. It's so easy to let #1 take over, but #2 is just so much more rewarding all around. Go #2!

  10. I love this post. Im glad you choose option 2!!! Its definitely the way to go.
    Much love

  11. Good choice!!!!

    That's definately the way to go!

    Take Care sweet!

  12. Yes! I'm all for those big highs! Hope you're having fun in Boston :)

  13. laura! yes! i am feeling so motivated after this post - it is so insightful, amazing, rewarding...thank you :)

    in the end we know recovery is the most sustaining high. it is our life! i hope you take this new exercise with you on your trip to boston! enjoy yourself sweetie and remember that ed is not invited!

    <3 you always,

    p.s i love au bon pain!

  14. Yay Yay for Option 2!!!

    You are adorable to, fyi! ;)

    And, you should totally check out my blog this summer for a true view into howI schoool, it all totally changes....unfortunately (alothough I try hard to eat well!). Anyways, I am excited to hit up the grocery store this afternoon!!

    Have an amazing weekend and WORK option 2 girl!

  15. YAAAAY for #2!! you are so positive and inspiring, I love reading your awesome posts! every single one is like a big bash on ED's head.