Yes, Jaime will be disappointed, but I got on the wrong train. Rather, the right train in the wrong direction. So here I am, just chilling at South Station waiting for the 10:25 train back. However, I did have time to grab some breakfast at Au Bon Pain and write another post for everyone! I somehow found my motivation to post over vacation. Actually..I'm going to take a phone picture of where I am right now, just so you have SOME visual prior to this lengthy post!!
Something tells me they like their Pepsi here....I hope they don't mind if I pull out my coke right about now...
I wrote this earlier when I couldn't find wi-fi, but now that I'm connected I'm going to do a little copy-paste action:
So I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I began thinking about two options that I have to choose from during this process of recovery. I call them “Little High- Big Low” or “Little Low- Big High”. They may seem kind of obvious to you, but writing them down and really thinking about them seems to make me more aware of the choices I make and what’s really important.
Option #1. Little High- Big Low
Little High- This is the “high” that I get when I listen to my disorder. That moment of gratitude that lasts, literally, just that moment. This is when ED tells me “Laura, if you don’t have that cookie after lunch then I’ll allow you coffee this afternoon. And you know how much you enjoy the extra calories from that milk when you know it’s not making you gain weight. If you eat that cookie, AND drink that coffee…oh god. Make room for a WHALE!” So I skip the cookie and have the coffee, and I get a little “high”. I’m feeling pretty good about myself for listening to ED. But then comes…
Big Low- This is the big picture. This is everything that happens from the point that I “skip the cookie” to the end of my days. So I decided to skip that cookie, then the next day lunch time rolls around and ED tells me “Laura…come on, you didn’t have a cookie yesterday and you DON’T want to eat more than yesterday. So skip the cookie again today. And while you’re at it you don’t need cheese on that sandwich. If you skip the cheese I’ll let you have a coffee AGAIN today. Remember how much you enjoyed it yesterday?” But then it keeps on going. My ED likes to compete with itself and make sure that each day I’m not eating more than the day before. So if I skip something one day, each day will just get worse and worse. From there I’ll start losing weight, missing out on key vitamins and minerals, and probably end up in the hospital. If I end up in the hospital my parents won’t pay for me to go to school far away, and I’ll lose a lot of my friends, and basically the life I know. And that’s only if I just end up in the hospital! My life is at risk, and I can’t forget about that…
Option #2 Little Low- Big High
Little Low- This is the negative feeling that I get when I increase my calories, or eat that extra cookie. I begin to feel like I have failed, like I am about to blow up like a balloon. But this feeling doesn’t last long, which is why it’s considered a “little low”. I soon forget about this feeling, on most days, and each morning I wake up ready to begin a new day. In the moment it’s extremely difficult to handle. I often feel as if everyone around me can tell that I ate a HUGE lunch, and therefore thinks less of me.
Big High- THIS IS MY FUTURE! This is what I get for pushing through the little low’s. This is my college graduation, my first job, my first home, my husband, my children, my proud parents. These are the people that I will help, the lives I will change, and the world I will live in. This is what really matters.
I choose option #2.
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