Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Where did it go?!

My motivation to update is MIA! I've been looking everywhere but it's yet to be found!


I did manage to spot just enough motivation to post a few pictures and make a few comments!



My roommate told me the other night that she was CRAVING chocolate! So I fixed her this:

Am I good or am I good?!?! Can you believe that she NEVER had oatmeal before I made it for her. Now she will only eat it if I make it!! In this mix:
1 packet instant quaker oats
2/3 cup chocolate soy milk
2 TBS Dark Chocolate Dreams pb (one melted and mixed in, one on top)
A hand full of Mocha M&M's.

I have just been CRAVING peanut butter lately, and putting it on everything!
From sandwich thins-

To Vitamuffins-

And even on an apple....which, err, is currently in my stomach.
I haven't had that combo in YEARS, and I forgot how refreshing it was! It's a lot lighter (the way it sits in my stomach I mean!) than having it on bread or in oatmeal!

I had a not-so-good incident last night that I thought I would share with you girls. It wasn't self-destructive in any way, but instead it was one of those moments where I was asking myself "what's wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?!" WHILE I was doing it.

Let me explain.

My plan last night was to go to the gym around 4:30 with my friend, then walk over to Yoga around 6. It's a relaxation/breathing/meditation yoga, so I love going there right after a good workout. Then after that I was going to go with my friend to a club meeting that she belongs too.

Well, when I got to the gym around 4:30, they swiped my card and told me that I had a hold on it, and I would need to go to the Bursars office in order to pay before they let me into the gym.
Enter: Anxiety.

I could INSTANTLY feel my chest tighten, and my anxiety RUSHING towards me. This would mess up my whole routine, my ENTIRE plan. I had a plan. Now it was altered and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. So I called my mom and started to get upset at her, and ANGRY at her for this. It wasn't her fault, and I am so embarrassed to admit to this! I got frustrated and ended up hanging up and running across campus to try to pay. But once I was there they said that I needed a credit card in order to pay the fee. So once again I called me mom and started tearing up (oh gosh...) and honestly almost having a panic attack. To make a long story short, she ended up being able to pay it online, but it would take a few hours for my card to begin working again.

Once I realized that I wouldn't be going to the gym, I also realized something extremely important. I wasn't stressing because I couldn't go to the gym (like I would have imagined), I was stressing because my routine was being changed, and the night wasn't going to work out as I had planned.

I ended up calling my friend who was supposed to meet me there, to explain to her why I wasn't there. But turns out she had forgotten her shoes back at her dorm, and was just going to go to the gym after the meeting tonight, so she wouldn't feel rushed. I asked to join her and she (obviously) said of course!
Now, I'm not really sure what I am looking for, in terms of a response or comments. I'm just kind of upset at myself for acting the way that I did...but I know it was my anxiety, and not my eating disorder. My doctor offered to increase my anxiety medication, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. I feel like this is a HUGE road block in my recovery, and I really want it to be minimized as much as possible!



You girls love your giveaways, I think we ALL know that!! So check out the giveaway going on at Foods That Fit !!!


  1. hi hun
    firstly wow those oats u made for your friend look heavenly...chocolately goodness mmm!!

    and yay for your new love of PB :) looks pretty darn tasty on that muffin!

    now i can COMEPLETELY relate to you in regaards to freaking out due to your routine being messed up..this is one of my biggest issues still in recovery and ive found the only thing that helps is pushing myself more and more oout of my set plans or routines so i get more used to it. its like once weve said we will do something we cant back out of its set in stone and if we deviate away from that plan panick sets in. but i think its great you realised it was the change in routine that was causing you anxiety and not the whole not making it to the gym thing! its a a great realization!

    hope you have a great night hun!
    love you lots

  2. Laur - i find the same thing happens to me all the time. I've become so committed to scheduling and planning not even just in terms of eating anymore but in everything i do - and when something goes wrong, i FREAK OUT. In many ways i feel ED robs of us the ability to deal with reality - stuff like that this happens to people all the they work around it, they cope, and move on. This is something i truly need to work on too, girl.. so you are not alone by any means! Thank you for your honesty my love - i'm sure many of the girls can relate.

    <3 xoxo

  3. Did you forget your motivation pills?! I always forget to take them ;) You should win roommate of the year award - that looks amazing!

    I'm glad that you can recognize and learn from your behavior regarding the gym and schedule changes. Although I'm not in your shoes I know how upsetting it can be when schedules get thrown off (I'm super type A). What works for me is trying to find SOME sort of positive out of the situation - in this one, it could be if you had been able to go to the gym, your friend wouldn't have been there (no shoes) and you would have missed out on time spent with her!

  4. Those oats look amazing. I need to make some for myself. Its been a while since Ive had some.

    I completely understand your anxiety around your routine. Im glad everything worked out for you. Maybe increasing your anxiety meds will help...?

    much love

  5. Oh, man. Want to be my roommate and make me oats like that? She is one lucky girl to have you around.

    I can totally relate to your issues regarding routine and structure. I have a plan, and if anything gets in the way of my plan, I get really upset and irritable. I feel like so many bloggers are really struggling with spontaneity right now. I just wish there were some magic fix to this issue so that when life happens I don't freak out.

    You are making me really crave some peanut butter right now. Is there anything that doesn't rock when it's with PB?

  6. so can you come and make my oats everyday?

  7. dude those oats are major food pornish!!!

    I understand the anxiety over routine. but at those times girl welcome them! think back after and honestly ask yourself what was so bad about it that you had stressed over.... helps me.

  8. i totally understand where your coming from...i have huge problems coping with anxiety if my routine changes, it is something i really need to work on..never feel alone, we will get through this and enjoy spontaneous moments :) xxx

  9. You are not alone in your feelings of anxiety over a change in routine.
    I know you are frustrated, but it is so great that you are able to recgonize it and be honest with us about it.
    Your pics are so beautiful. When I read your blog, it always inspires me to brush the dust off of my old school single lens reflex camera and spend some quality time in a darkroom.

  10. I found those dogs in the freezer section of Giant Eagle, the grocery store near me. I got them a few months ago, so they may have been cancelled in the time that I bought them. I really hope not, though. I love those things! I'll have to ration out my last few until I find them again!

  11. Hey~

    I am the exact same way!!! I can't stand a change in my routine. Often times, if someone invites me to do something that day I will say no because I already have my day planned in my head. I need to recieve invites a day before hand so I can mentally prepare and plan the activity into my day.

    It's ridiculous really, but that's how I am. ANyways just want you to know that you are not alone.

    Take Care sweets!

  12. Thanks for the 'about me' compliment!! I love that we both have Andrew Bird first under favorite music!!

    As for your blog, i hope you're feeling better! I have the same problem and it's that need of control that we need to try and balance/overcome which in turn, helps us gain more confidence to deal with the unexpected! One thing i read that i've been trying lately is asking myself "One year from now, is this going to matter?" and usually it helps ease some of the anxiety!

    I look forward to reading your blogs, checking out your food creations and meeting new people!!

  13. Your comment to me on my "about me" inspired me to change up my blog name!! thanks for that.. i think it fits me better!
    Hope youre having a great saturday!

  14. Those Oats you made look so amazing....I wish you were my roommate! haha

    I hope you get that anxiety thing under control so it does not harp on your life as much! That just sounds so tough to deal with!!

  15. haha! just have to say that I love your comment! :P

  16. hi ladygirl ! just wanna make sure you got my facebook message? i answered your tattoo q's! xoxo