Friday, April 10, 2009

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Happy (Good) Friday girls! I'm so glad that my last post got so many positive comments! It truly makes me feel 110% sure that I made the right decision to change my major. And actually, I just got an email saying "Congratulations, you have just been accepted to the College of Agriculture and Natural Resources!" So...it's official, I'm a tree-hugging-chicken-loving agriculture student! Holla!

In addition to this, I am also home for the weekend to celebrate easter with the family. I'm going to be completely honest with everyone here. While my eating has been INCREDIBLE, my exercise habits have been quite the opposite. However, I am taking advantage of these next few days of being gym free, and having AMAZING food. I actually just finished dinner, and for the first time in WEEKS, maybe even MONTHS, I am full. Completely and utterly full.

Now, personally Laura is happy about this, but ED is pestering me ENDLESSLY. So I decided that in order to shut him up I would go on the computer at home and look at all the old pictures that we have on here. One thing I realized as I was looking through them was that I have never seen my adult, womanly body at a healthy weight before. My eating became quite disordered when I was only 15, and at that point I still wasn't done "maturing". So I really don't know what I am going to look like once I get my real body back. This is both exciting and terrifying to me. Neither of which is going to stop me from trying my absolute hardest this weekend, and for the rest of my life!

If you girls don't mind, I'm going to post some pictures that I found. They are going to be COMPLETELY random, and I appologize for that. I will be explaining them as I go though...but this is just my way of coping with my little "food baby" I have going on (you know when your stomach pops out cause you ate a lot!?! My friend at school calls it her food baby, and it makes me laugh every time!)

OH and before I begin, I just wanted to explain to you why I haven't been posting pictures of my food. It just seems so much easier to prepare food and eat it, than to put more thought into what it looks like, and what everyone on here will think of it. Is it too much? Is it not enough? Did I eat something with gelatin in it by accident? Enough! I will continute to post pictures of new foods if I'm really excited about it (exception: banana nut odwalla bar! I scarfed it down last night and HOLY COW this tastes exactly like banana bread! Buy it. Eat it. Love it!)

Now onto the jumble of pictures (which may be triggering I appologize), shall we?



A baby squirrel that started climbing my leg! Don't worry though, he made it back to the nest =]


I swear, animals are my therapy. She may look small, and her name may be Princess...but I assure sure, her attitude is NONE of those!

Yes...that's a butterfly and a bumble bee fighting.


My sister's ex, my sister, and me.


Before^

After ^ <3


Okay...this is my freshman year. One year before my eating disorder actually took full force. We came in third in the state I think, for our 400 free relay. I'm standing next to my sister.

Block Island Summer 2007. One year after I was hospitalized. This is after a really tough winter...but I was HAPPY.




Ever wonder what happens when lightning hits a tree? Well, first of all there's the LOUDEST noise you will ever hear. Then all the bark pops off!!

Myrtle Beach Summer 2004


My sister! This is her at the weight that I had always wanted to be. Funny how ED makes me think that it is impossible for me to be this thin, even at 20 pounds less.


The kids I used to babysit! Sam and Max. Children can always put a smile on your face, can't they?!


"Graduation" from middle school. Wasn't I so cool?! With my Grandma!


8th Grade semi. My first dance. Yes...I had glasses AND braces. And acne haha. I was one of those unfortunate gals!


So things I have learned from this tonight:

1. Happiness and weight do not come hand in hand.
2. I was NEVER fat, I am NOT fat, I will never BE fat.

3. Most of all...I WANT TO BE FREE!!!


20 comments:

  1. Inspiring post! and I love the pics! I challenge you to find someone who didn't rock the braces in middle school, haha.

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  2. Aww I love this! You are so gorgeous, and just beaming with so much happiness in all of these pictures, I absolutely adore every one of them. That baby squirrel is so damn cute too, I can't get enough of that little guy! I want one, haha!

    I'm really glad you posted this, because it really gave me a great way to deal with my food baby! Which I totally understand, I get em' after a lot of my really full meals, and that's a really funny way of thinking of it :) and I will definitely remember to look back at all of my older pictures as well to remind myself why I'm in recovery and why I need to keep going no matter how full or uncomfortable I may feel.

    Thank you!

    Love, Meg

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  3. What a wonderful post!! First of all - cute baby squirrel and I never knew that about trees and I basically live in a forest! Use those pictures to keep pushing towards a happy and healthy life :)

    Enjoy your time at home, girlie!!

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  4. I love this post! I like seeing you without all the food. That baby squirrel is one of the most adorable things I've ever seen!

    You're so happy and radiant in these pictures, use them as motivation! Have a nice easter, love

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  5. I love all the pics. Thanks for sharing! I hope you have a great time at home. Much love darling

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  6. A few months ago I looked through my yearbook from senior year of high school and yeah ... I wasn't fat. My smile was actually cute as hell.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing the pictures! I've seen trees with large hunks of bark missing - I never thought that maybe lightning was the cause!

    I have a tiny grandmother, too - but she's like Princess the horse; her size is the only thing that's small!

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  7. I know what you mean, my ED started when I was 13 so I don't really know what my set point is or what I would look like there either. I'm willing to find out though!
    Thank you for sharing those photos. You are really pretty, and certainly nowhere hear fat. I love the last one - and the baby squirrel, aww!

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  8. hey lauren,
    first of all congrat on your acceptance. well done tree hugger :)
    i love to look at those photos. very inspiring. its so good to have them and keep yourself reminding of the good things in life. i hope for you that the course you'll choose in uni will give you the full fillment in ife to finally overcome the ED once and for all. you are a beautiful person and you're on the right way.
    and about the body image i can so relate. i was 15 as well when i became sick so i also had no real idea of what i'd look like. but so far i cant really complain of the outcome ;)
    have a lovley day

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  9. hey girlie
    congrats on the acceptance :)
    aww i love all of these pictures, you look beautiful and happy!
    it seems like your making so much progress and im so proud of you!
    have a wonderful time at home hun, enjoy the time with your family!
    love you lots
    xxxx

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  10. Beautiful post. I know how much you want to be free, you are on your way babe!!! Keep fighting the good fight. Love always,
    Lexi

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  11. <3 Just wanted to say thank you for the incredible comment you left me, you're so encouraging and realistic! You are qite right - I can figure things out over time. I suppose my OCD wants everything figured out last week, but that just can't happen. Must take life as it comes.
    I hope you enjoy your vacation and the time spent with your family. I struggled with exercising for a really long time. When I finally got myself to stop - I felt so free. I also found I had a lot more time to do things I truly enjoyed that were not ED-motivated. It was anxiety provoking at first, for sure, but I am much happier now that I am not obsessively making sure I get X amount of exercise in each day. It just feels that much closer to normal. I hope it works that way for you too.
    Happy Easter!
    xo
    Tori

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  12. Great post babe! I think we all want to be free so we're right here with you!

    and congrats on becoming a tree hugger!!! i'm totally one tooooo!

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  13. I love all these photos you showed us.. you are an incredible woman and you will be FREE.. you look so happy in those pictures.. it truly puts a smile on my face!!

    much love dollface,
    dulcie<3

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  14. You are an amazing girl and you will be free! We just have to look back on all of these wonderful moments of our lives and realize that Ed does not belong in any of them!

    You are BEAUTIFUL!!!

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  15. wow...such an inspiring post!
    i almost started crying.
    ED holds us back from so much, and I can't wait to be free! (And I'm getting closer everyday.)
    Thanks so much for this!!!
    mollysmovingon.blogspot.com

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  16. CONGRATSSS!!!!!!

    youll be free - you have such a great attitude about recovery :) i have faith in you!

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  17. what a great post love! you totally deserve to be free and you will! xoxox

    ps what confuses you about wholefoods in cambridge? lol id be happy to clarify!

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  18. I am so glad you went through old pictures!! That always helps me so much! I'm so glad you realized that you never have been or will be overweight! You are a healthy girl who is learning to LOVE LIFE!

    And don't even worry.....I was the girl in 8th grade w/ acne, braces & frizzy hair!!! Us type of girls are the cutest, I swareeee!! haha! :)

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  19. I love this post! SO many great pics. That squirrel is really really cute, you have the luckiest wildlife encounters =)

    You have been and always will be a beauty! I didn't realize you swam/swim? Me too! Awesome!

    You're absolutely right, happiness and weight do NOT come hand in hand and they're not really correlated at all!

    Hope you had a wonderful weekend!

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  20. For some reason, while i was reading this post and the one before i had the urge to have a normal body and normal eating and be happy! i think it had to do with when you were talking about the pie your sister had and her response to the calories in it was "oh well. it was worth it." i sincerely hope that i will be at a place one day where i can have that outlook and ENJOY indulgence foods. i know this is an old blog, but i feel like you had that same hope at the point you were at. i truly love reading your blog, though im not sure if it is just feeding my ED. nevertheless, i look forward to reading it whenever i have the chance to get on the computer. still in the wheelchair here :( but things are ok. AND i started blogging too. not sure if im doing it right but who is to decide that?!?!

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