Saturday, April 25, 2009

Update.

Hello Hello.
I'm not "back" persay, however I do occasionally feel the need to write in here, and update you girls. So why not right? It's my blog!

Currently, the biggest thing in my life right now is the fact that I will be attending a residential program in Boston in...ur...a little over two weeks. May 11th at noon to be exact. I know a few of you gals have already attended this program- Cambridge Eating Disorder Center- and had luck with it. Why did I decide to make this call? Well, one night I came back from dinner and ALL I could think about was food. I wasn't even hungry, but I couldn't get my mind off of it. Then all of a sudden I remembered a Lindt Chocolate Bar that I had just recently purchased...so I ate it. It was small, don't get me wrong, but I was IMMEDIATELY overwhelmed with guilt and a HUGE drop in low self esteem. I ran to the gym immediately and spent the next few hours there. Because of a chocolate bar. I began crying while laying on a mat, and realized that sometimes it's okay to ask for help.

I then went back to my dorm, and while I was in the "moment" I gave CEDC a call and the lady immediately put me on the list for being admitted the Monday after I leave for school.

The emotions I am feeling are so overwhelming. Part of me is saying to simply give up until then. Others are saying to try to gain weight so I don't need to stay there for very long. So what am I doing? I'm simply trying to live. I'm eating what I want- not trying to gain and not trying to lose. I don't know if it's a good decision, but it's putting my mind at ease until I need to attend this program.

I am terrified.
I am excited.
I am upset.
I am ecstatic.

I want my life back girls. I am sick of weekly doctors appointments and my mother having to worry about me. I am sick of not knowing HOW to eat, of worrying about what and when to eat. I am sick of worrying "oh did I eat too much?!" or coming back from the dining hall saying "damn...I should have eaten more". I am sick of salads for every meal, and being bloated because of diet soda and too many vegetables. I want to feel SATISFIED and NOURISHED. I want strong bones, strong hair, and a smile that RADIATES happiness. THIS is why I am attended this program.

I'm planning on making a list of goals before I attend. Food goals, as well as REGULAR goals.
So far I only have two-
1. Try mac & cheese. (a childhood FAVORITE and a current FEAR food)
2. Learn to express my emotions genuinely. (I'm guilty of throwing a *fake* smile on my face ALL the time. I need to realize that it's okay to tell people how I am really feeling...and even admit it to myself)

Well..it's spring weekend here at UConn, and my sister and her friend are here and we're off to watch Oozeball and then go exploring.
We're crazy college students aren't we? =P

<3

17 comments:

  1. words can not express how proud i am of you Laur! I wish you all the best and i pray that this works for you <3 you deserve so much more to life babe - i will keep you in my thoughts!

    love,
    -Jenny

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  2. I only wish I could be as strong as you. Good luck.

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  3. I am SO proud of you Laura. This experience will teach you so much about yourself. Keep me posted.
    Love,
    Lexi

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  4. Way to go girl- even though you may not feel it, you are so strong! You are seizing control and doing what is best for YOU.

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  5. I'm so proud of you for taking this step Laura...it takes a lot of strength and courage to recognise that it's okay to need help sometimes. I know you'll do great- I've heard a lot of positive stories from people who did the program at CEDC.

    xxx

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  6. Laura..You are amazing! I'm so happy that you recognized the need for help before it got worse! I <3 you mucho and I know you will do wonderfully there! I'll def. be thinking and praying for you! Keep in touch!
    <3Jenn

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  7. hi sweetheart
    im SO proud of you! the realization you came to is amazing and i wish you all the best with it! asking for help shows more strenght than trying to deal with problems on our own that are just too hard sometimes, so you did what was right for you which is wonderful!
    i hope youll keep us updated every now and again as to how your doing.
    your an amazing, strong, wonderful person and i know you can do this!
    love you hun
    xxxx

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  8. Laura, I am SO proud of you! You deserve to have a happy and healthy life. Please keep us updated every now and then :)

    If you ever need anything, let me know!

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  9. oh girl i'm really proud of you, seriously!
    i think that you already gave the most important step in recovery :) good luck girls and keep going!

    love
    <3

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  10. like everyone else...i am so proud of you..love you xxx

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  11. :hugs: I am so proud of you. And I am so, so glad that the first place you called was able to admit you. That takes a lot of pressure off. I know I hated IP, but I've always been on acute wards for the most part. Still though, I can honestly say they saved my life each and every time. I really hope this place works for you, and that they help you reclaim your life. While it may not feel like it - asking for help when you need it is a huge step in taking control of the ED, and its an even bigger sign that you are determined not to let it rule you. You can beat it, no matter where you are or how you go about it. In the end, it's all you and your courage.
    Best wishes.
    BTW! Can you post up or facebook me the addy? Then I can send cards ^.^

    Keep doing what you know is best for you.

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  12. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!

    I was really happy to see a post from you on my blogroll, too! But seriously..I think you're taking a really important step and I hope that the residential program will give you that extra push you need to fully recover! No more of this "getting by," you deserve to LIVE and be happy! I'm so proud of you for making this choice on your own, it must have been incredibly hard and you're really brave for making that phone call of your own accord! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you keep us updated as to how you're doing! <3

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  13. I am so proud of you Laura. I know this is terrifying, but this is a great step in helping you rediscover the true Laura. Take care!

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  14. Like everyone else, I'm so proud of you! Asking for help is a huge huge huge step in defeating ED, and I promise you that you're doing the right thing. You're so strong and I know that there is a happy and healthy life waiting for you! Good luck, much love

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  15. Awesome life decision! You are definitely on the right track and I'm glad that you are dabbling in the blog world again.

    Go out and enjoy being a crazy college kid with your sister!

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  16. Laura, you made a good decision. I really wish you the best there. Keep us updated when you get a chance.

    Remember, you are a strong, beautiful girl. Your life is worth so much more than how ED allows us to live.


    Loveyababe.

    -E

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  17. Laura,

    I'm SO proud of you for reaching out. Sometimes the only thing we can do is ask for help. Sometimes that's actually the hardest thing to do.

    You can do this.

    Have a wonderful night sweetie!

    With Love,

    Emily

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