I'm not "back" persay, however I do occasionally feel the need to write in here, and update you girls. So why not right? It's my blog!
Currently, the biggest thing in my life right now is the fact that I will be attending a residential program in Boston in...ur...a little over two weeks. May 11th at noon to be exact. I know a few of you gals have already attended this program- Cambridge Eating Disorder Center- and had luck with it. Why did I decide to make this call? Well, one night I came back from dinner and ALL I could think about was food. I wasn't even hungry, but I couldn't get my mind off of it. Then all of a sudden I remembered a Lindt Chocolate Bar that I had just recently purchased...so I ate it. It was small, don't get me wrong, but I was IMMEDIATELY overwhelmed with guilt and a HUGE drop in low self esteem. I ran to the gym immediately and spent the next few hours there. Because of a chocolate bar. I began crying while laying on a mat, and realized that sometimes it's okay to ask for help.
I then went back to my dorm, and while I was in the "moment" I gave CEDC a call and the lady immediately put me on the list for being admitted the Monday after I leave for school.
The emotions I am feeling are so overwhelming. Part of me is saying to simply give up until then. Others are saying to try to gain weight so I don't need to stay there for very long. So what am I doing? I'm simply trying to live. I'm eating what I want- not trying to gain and not trying to lose. I don't know if it's a good decision, but it's putting my mind at ease until I need to attend this program.
I am terrified.
I am excited.
I am upset.
I am ecstatic.
I want my life back girls. I am sick of weekly doctors appointments and my mother having to worry about me. I am sick of not knowing HOW to eat, of worrying about what and when to eat. I am sick of worrying "oh did I eat too much?!" or coming back from the dining hall saying "damn...I should have eaten more". I am sick of salads for every meal, and being bloated because of diet soda and too many vegetables. I want to feel SATISFIED and NOURISHED. I want strong bones, strong hair, and a smile that RADIATES happiness. THIS is why I am attended this program.
I'm planning on making a list of goals before I attend. Food goals, as well as REGULAR goals.
So far I only have two-
1. Try mac & cheese. (a childhood FAVORITE and a current FEAR food)
2. Learn to express my emotions genuinely. (I'm guilty of throwing a *fake* smile on my face ALL the time. I need to realize that it's okay to tell people how I am really feeling...and even admit it to myself)
Well..it's spring weekend here at UConn, and my sister and her friend are here and we're off to watch Oozeball and then go exploring.
We're crazy college students aren't we? =P