Monday, May 11, 2009

Aren't I lucky?

Although yes, I am settling in here at CEDC, and my parents and everyone around me are being extremely supportive, I'm feeling EXTRA lucky because my room is close enough to the lounge where the wifi is that I can lay in bed and still manage to get the internet (sometimes).

I'm really exhausted...but I wanted to update everyone and say that I am okay. I'm settling in, and doing OKAY. So far there haven't been any tears...well, the occasional drip or two from listening to a sad song, but otherwise I have been absolutely emotionless. It scares me in a way, because every other time I have been to a treatment center of any kind, I am QUITE a ball of waterworks and emotions. But this time-nothing.

Actually, that held true for about 99% of my day- the only time it didn't was when I was on the phone with my mom. I held back any sign of weakness, or sadness, and just chatted away. For some reason when I don't know how to express myself, or I'm feeling stressed or upset- I joke about it. You may have realized this from my entries...or maybe not, but it's how I cope with things and I truly wish I had a better way. I wish I was comfortable enough to be like "yes, I am terrified of going. I am scared of challenge foods and losing control." but instead I tell people not to be surprised if the next time they see me I'm fatter than I am now. It's so aggravating because as it's coming out of my mouth all I can think of is how I'm giving the other person such a wrong impression of what it's like to have an eating disorder. SO many of my friends were like "oh...you still have that?" like it's a cold that I simply can't shake. But I can only blame myself for that since I don't allow myself to open up. I guess that's just something that needs working on.

Otherwise my day went well. There was a cooking class today and we made quiche. It felt AMAZING to taste REAL food again...but the entire time I was eating I was just like "guilt? where ARE you!?" but it was nowhere! I watched girls fool around with there food, some girls not even eating- but I was fine. Normally I would feel terrible about this, ED would be screaming in my ear about how I'm not sick enough to be here. Instead, I had hope- I am already in a better position than these girls. I CAN and WILL get my life back- and I'm in exactly the right place to do that.

Alright, it's bedtime for this old grandma! I'll keep you girls updated on here, and thank you a MILLION times for all the support and encouragement in my last post. Things ARE going to change...but I'm ready. SO ready.

<3

11 comments:

  1. ahhah we made quiche in cooking group too :)
    so proud of you and happy to see you writing!
    treatment is one of the hardest places to be at first when eating, but it becomes a safe haven, and comfortable. you can do this. don't let the other distract you from YOUR goal. YOU are YOU, and everyones story is different.

    p.s. i was right next to the lounge too where there was wifi ;) hollaaaa
    xo

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  2. I'm so glad you're settling in to CEDC nicely! I'm really proud of you for adopting the mindset of being great at recovery, NOT great at anorexia! I think one of the biggest downsides of treatment facilities is that they harbor competition between girls as to who can be the "sickest." I know it's not THEM being competitive, it's their EDs, but still, it's not a helpful environment! I'm so happy that you can tune that out and focus on your own recovery. i totally understand why you turn to humor when you are stressed or upset, I'm much the same way. It's ok! Hope they are treating you well and you are treating yourself kindly too!

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  3. hi sweetheart,
    im so glad your settling in and im SO SO proud of you for the attitude you have about it all. you want to get better so much and having that motivation makes such a difference.
    keep fighting girlie, you can do this, your a strong person :)
    love you lots,
    xxxx

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  4. I'm really glad you're settling in ok <3
    I do the exact same thing, joking about things when I really 'should' be crying or shouting instead. It's really frustrating. I think it's definitely a good thing to work on. I hope things continue to go well - I'm glad you can get online to update us!

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  5. So glad you're settling in. I think I was in the room you're in! I could always get internet while laying in my bed :) I'm so glad you enjoyed the quiche. Oh how I remember cooking mondays! I can relate to the emotionless/guiltless feelings when settling into treatment. For some reason it feels a little safer to eat when in treatment... I don't know why. I hope you continue to feel guiltless, but I want you to express your emotions whenever possible. Love you so much and I am so proud of you.
    ~Lexi

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  6. Good luck! I'll be thinking of you :)

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  7. Glad you're settling in alright. You deserve the world, Laura! Hang in there and know that by the time this is over you're going to be even happier and healthier :)

    Good luck and if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask!

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  8. Yes! I'm so happy that you can recognize the blessing of being 'further along' in recovery, instead of letting ED tell you it's a negative thing. Sending you lots of good thoughts!

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  9. i am so happy for you! i know and have faith that everything will go amazing for you at CEDC. i know a few girls who have gone there in the past, and really liked the program, and got a lot of help there.
    quiche! i remember in renfrew(the center i went) they made quiche too, funny. :) Yum!
    when i went into treatment most recently in january, i felt like i was in a better place than most of the other girls there, of course this made ed think, like you said "im not sick enough" but the truth is you deserve help just as much as any other girl there!..you are just in a different place, you know?
    again i just want to say i am so proud of you.
    and its so cool that you are still blogging from there :) i wish i could have done that...hmm.
    best wishes <3
    maya

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  10. This completely blew me away because it is exactly what I'm dealing with--not having guilt. I'm going to be writing a post later on tonight, so check it out if you want.

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  11. :hugs: I am so happy for you! It is wonderful that you are trying to make the most of your time in treatment, instead of wasting it trying to hold onto your ED. I admit - last year, when I was in my first treatment center - I was totally the girl who supported everyone else, and tried to help them move forward, but never helped herself. I don't know about you, but I didn't like being that girl. The best thing you can do is do what you need to do for you. When those other girls grow up a bit, they'll realize how much more to life there is, and they'll wish they hadn't mucked around in treatment so much. You are being so strong and brave, and I think its truly inspiring how you aren't letting the other patients get to you. You are right - you are better than them, because you know that recovery is worth fighting for, and that allowing the ED behaviors to continue while your in treatment just means that it's going to still have that grip on you when you leave.
    You're doing great things already, and I can't tell you enough how happy I am for you. Don't worry about anything else. One day when you are ready, you'll be able to share the fears, the concerns and the worries that you had about going into treatment, and one day it won't be hard to talk about it anymore. Because you'll know in your heart that you aren't that person, trapped in the ED anymore, so there's nothing left to fear.

    Take care,
    Tori

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