Although yes, I am settling in here at CEDC, and my parents and everyone around me are being extremely supportive, I'm feeling EXTRA lucky because my room is close enough to the lounge where the wifi is that I can lay in bed and still manage to get the internet (sometimes).
I'm really exhausted...but I wanted to update everyone and say that I am okay. I'm settling in, and doing OKAY. So far there haven't been any tears...well, the occasional drip or two from listening to a sad song, but otherwise I have been absolutely emotionless. It scares me in a way, because every other time I have been to a treatment center of any kind, I am QUITE a ball of waterworks and emotions. But this time-nothing.
Actually, that held true for about 99% of my day- the only time it didn't was when I was on the phone with my mom. I held back any sign of weakness, or sadness, and just chatted away. For some reason when I don't know how to express myself, or I'm feeling stressed or upset- I joke about it. You may have realized this from my entries...or maybe not, but it's how I cope with things and I truly wish I had a better way. I wish I was comfortable enough to be like "yes, I am terrified of going. I am scared of challenge foods and losing control." but instead I tell people not to be surprised if the next time they see me I'm fatter than I am now. It's so aggravating because as it's coming out of my mouth all I can think of is how I'm giving the other person such a wrong impression of what it's like to have an eating disorder. SO many of my friends were like "oh...you still have that?" like it's a cold that I simply can't shake. But I can only blame myself for that since I don't allow myself to open up. I guess that's just something that needs working on.
Otherwise my day went well. There was a cooking class today and we made quiche. It felt AMAZING to taste REAL food again...but the entire time I was eating I was just like "guilt? where ARE you!?" but it was nowhere! I watched girls fool around with there food, some girls not even eating- but I was fine. Normally I would feel terrible about this, ED would be screaming in my ear about how I'm not sick enough to be here. Instead, I had hope- I am already in a better position than these girls. I CAN and WILL get my life back- and I'm in exactly the right place to do that.
Alright, it's bedtime for this old grandma! I'll keep you girls updated on here, and thank you a MILLION times for all the support and encouragement in my last post. Things ARE going to change...but I'm ready. SO ready.
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