Tuesday, May 12, 2009

CEDC- Day2

I think I typed the first paragraph about 5 times, and didn't like the way any of them came out. I think I'm just going to type without thinking- whatever comes out, comes out...and thats the end.

My breakdown made a very small appearance...an appearance-ette if you will. I woke up this morning frustrated with not being home and not being able to do my morning ritual, which MAY include "going to the bathroom" (inappropriate everywhere besides an ED center, let me tell you!). So I was a bit uncomfortable, and not the least bit hungry which I hate. But I finished all my meals and my snacks, and was therefore allowed to go on outing today- which was basically just a walk around Harvard Square. But it was just so nice to be outside, and see people just living their day-t0-day lives. I'm definitely an avid people watcher, so this was the perfect situation.

In addition to being outside, I finally met with my case manager and dietician today. I was completely honest with them about over-exercising and what I typically eat. It's so funny how it seems like so much more when I'm eating it, but then having to repeat it to a nutritionist I realize how unhealthy it really was. I explained that I'm not quite as terrified of food as a lot of girls here are, and I don't really retrict in extremely unhealthy ways...I'm just stuck in a rut and want my life back. They seemed really happy to hear that, and told me that there's a lot of hope for my future, which obviously brightened my day! Also, I'm completely off bathroom restrictions, which is almost unheard of on the first day someone is here. But I have no bulimic tendencies and really just want to pee in peace and quiet =]

Dinner was really difficult for me. I mean, physically I just ate it like it was no big deal, but it was a little rough mentally. In a way I was relieved to feel this way because now I know that I'm not just putting up a wall to hide everything. The feelings are still there, but I'm just pushing through them. It also feels amazing to just feel satisfied and not worry about when the next meal is, or what it's going to be. As my friend Tara JUST said, I'm finally "letting go" and it's terrifying but relieving at the same time. I never thought I would be okay with this, but so far I am. I know as my meal plan increases things will get more difficult, but I'm ready for a challenge and I'm trying my hardest to enter that increase in a fairly good place, mentally.

I wish I had some pictures for you girls! But before I go, I'll leave you with this heartwarming photo:





=]

p.s. they don't allow oatmeal/peanut butter combo here. Blasphemy!

10 comments:

  1. oh gosh when i tried to pull the whole oatmeal/PB combo i was reprimanded. what a terrible terrible rule haha.

    proud of you ma!

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  2. oh sweetie i'm sure you'll be okay! this things aren't easy but i know you're strong enought to beat ED right? :) i'm glad that you liked your case manager and your dietician and if they told you that there's a lot of hope for your future..is because that's true! they know what they're talking about!
    be strong girl :) love you

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  3. WHAT? I'm confused as to why they don't let you mix pb and oats? I've never been in a treatment center so I guess I don't know all the rules lol. I'm so glad you're doing well...it's great that you're being honest with them! I agree with your case manager and dietitian..there is SO MUCH HOPE in your future, you're such a strong lady! OMG cute pig, Babe!

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  4. hi sweetheart,
    im SO proud of you for how well your doing :) there IS so much hope in your future and i know youll get through this! your too strong to not get past this!
    awww that pig is TOO cute :)
    love you lots
    xxxx

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  5. I'm so proud of you Laura! You're so lucky to be off bathroom restrictions! I'm sorry about the pb oats combo banning. My fav is to mix almonds and craisins into my oats - I ate that a lot when I was in CEDC! Keep staying strong, I'm glad to hear that you're ready for a challenge. Stay positive! I'm always here for you if you need anything :)

    P.S. Isn't Harvard Square glorious in spring time?! Hope you enjoy your daily outings.

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  6. No PB/oats!? Aw man! I'm glad that you're up for the challenge - you sound strong and determined!! You can do it!

    What a cute little pig :)

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  7. No PB/oats combo??? That has to be against the laws of deliciousness.

    I am so proud that you are doing well. You seem up for the challenge and ready to get better. Stay positive and take care!

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  8. no PB and oatmeal?! Sadness. But I'm glad to hear that you are doing well (and that you're back to blogging!). Keep up the positivity, it's contagious :)

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  9. Laura this is so great! your letting go and keeping a positive yet realistic "I can do this, its going to be hard, but i will push through" mind set...it will get u far! and U have a lot of support at CEDC and here of course!!
    Keep up the good work and quick question...ru hold that pig???!!? its absolutely adorable btw! and y dont they let you have a PB and oatmeal combo? like what do they see wrong with it? have a lovely night, rest up! love ya <3

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  10. Demons! Demons, I tell you!

    Anyone, who denies the wonders of PB in combination with anything else, knows not what they speak of!

    But really cute little piglet!!! :D

    Keep up the good work, girl!

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