I think I typed the first paragraph about 5 times, and didn't like the way any of them came out. I think I'm just going to type without thinking- whatever comes out, comes out...and thats the end.
My breakdown made a very small appearance...an appearance-ette if you will. I woke up this morning frustrated with not being home and not being able to do my morning ritual, which MAY include "going to the bathroom" (inappropriate everywhere besides an ED center, let me tell you!). So I was a bit uncomfortable, and not the least bit hungry which I hate. But I finished all my meals and my snacks, and was therefore allowed to go on outing today- which was basically just a walk around Harvard Square. But it was just so nice to be outside, and see people just living their day-t0-day lives. I'm definitely an avid people watcher, so this was the perfect situation.
In addition to being outside, I finally met with my case manager and dietician today. I was completely honest with them about over-exercising and what I typically eat. It's so funny how it seems like so much more when I'm eating it, but then having to repeat it to a nutritionist I realize how unhealthy it really was. I explained that I'm not quite as terrified of food as a lot of girls here are, and I don't really retrict in extremely unhealthy ways...I'm just stuck in a rut and want my life back. They seemed really happy to hear that, and told me that there's a lot of hope for my future, which obviously brightened my day! Also, I'm completely off bathroom restrictions, which is almost unheard of on the first day someone is here. But I have no bulimic tendencies and really just want to pee in peace and quiet =]
Dinner was really difficult for me. I mean, physically I just ate it like it was no big deal, but it was a little rough mentally. In a way I was relieved to feel this way because now I know that I'm not just putting up a wall to hide everything. The feelings are still there, but I'm just pushing through them. It also feels amazing to just feel satisfied and not worry about when the next meal is, or what it's going to be. As my friend Tara JUST said, I'm finally "letting go" and it's terrifying but relieving at the same time. I never thought I would be okay with this, but so far I am. I know as my meal plan increases things will get more difficult, but I'm ready for a challenge and I'm trying my hardest to enter that increase in a fairly good place, mentally.
I wish I had some pictures for you girls! But before I go, I'll leave you with this heartwarming photo:
p.s. they don't allow oatmeal/peanut butter combo here. Blasphemy!