Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Hey girls!
Wow, I can't believe that it's already my second week of being here, and yet I've only posted one or two times! I'm sorry about that, things are just really hectic here as you can imagine. But I'm going to try my best to keep you all as updated as possible.

This past week has been pretty touch and go. The weekend was pretty hard- there was a lot of drama around the center, with girls using behaviors, girls refusing to admit that they have a problem, and just simply RC's and patients not getting along. I guess this can all be expected, but it was really tough on the girls who weren't involved. This is supposed to be a place of comfort and support, yet when there is screaming and crying and "I want to die"s being thrown around- sometimes memories arise and feelings get hurt. But we all made it through, which is what truly counts.

As for me personally. Well, I had been doing really well until last night. I had a family meeting yesterday and we talked about increasing my meal plan which I was okay with. However, it is increasing much faster than I expected. We run on 8 meal plans here, and usually they are increased every 3-4 days on average. So I started on meal plan one, and then 3 days later went up to 2, and then yesterday I began 3. Well, today I am going to be starting meal plan 4, and by friday I will be on meal plan 5. MP 6 will begin next week, which is a lot for me to handle. I mean, I do think that I'm ready, but my body is just trying to get used to it. On top of it all dinner last night was ENORMOUS, and afterwards I just laid in my bed and cried. That's the first time that has happened since I got here, and although I felt absolutely terrible about myself, and about having to have people comfort me and talk to me- it also felt good to just express how I was truly, and genuinely feeling. No more masks.

This morning I woke up in a somewhat better mood. I'm not hungry at ALL for breakfast, which is in 15 minutes, but I just need to suck it up and move forward! I haven't gained much at all since being here, which is actually bumming me out since my therapist said that is all they are waiting on. Once my weight is up to par then I am stepping down to partial. Until then, I just need to be patient. It's funny how part of me just wants to snap my fingers and weigh a healthy weight, and the other part is happy that it's taking awhile. I guess for now, living in the moment is the best thing I can do.

On a happier note, I was able to pursuade my therapist to let me have a home pass on Saturday, which is AMAZING! I can't wait to just go home for the day. I'm such a baby when it comes to not being home, so this will be really good. Also, Saturday night is Burrito and Smoothie night, and let's just say that last Saturday that caused a HUUUGGEEE ruccus around here, so being MIA for that this week is giving me a sense of relief.

Other than that I'm doing pretty well. Just trying to live in the moment, and keep occupied which I have been doing a pretty good job doing. I'm making bracelets, mixed CD's, positive affirmations, doing puzzles, reading, and just hanging out with the girls here (who are all absolutely incredible and inspirational, let me tell ya!).

Well, 12 minutes and counting until breakfast. I'm off to try and get excited about it =P

Love you gals!!!


  1. Glad to hear that things are going relatively well, despite some drama! I hope you can continue to keep your chin up and bravely tackle every challenge that's thrown your way!

  2. Hi beautiful! I am SO happy that you're getting better each and every day. You know you're in so many people's thoughts & prayers right now, and we're all so happy to hear from you. I know gaining weight and eating like a hockey player isn't quite the best thing to go through, but we all have/had to do it at some point, and I know you're a strong woman and can get through this!
    Love you!


  3. hi sweetheart,
    im glad to hear things are going ok, i know there are ups and downs, thats to be expected..but what you said about it being nice to not wear a really show how your beautifully said :) really getting abck in touch with those emotions is so important and it sounds like your doing that! im so proud of you hun!
    hang in there, your doing so so well!
    love you lots

  4. I'm we get to hear from you every now and then! I can only imagine that it must be a stressful situation, and I applaud your courage! Just keep takings one day at a time...

  5. Glad you are doing well, despite the inevitable drama that goes on in treatment...staying focused on the bigger goals and trusting the process and treatment team is the way forward. meal plan changes are hard, but necessary. Hang in there- you can totally do this xxx

  6. Its great to hear you're following the successful path despite everything going on around you.

    Don't fret about the meal plans either, just remember your goals. And how great and healthy you'll be when it's all done with!



  7. Aw, I'm glad to hear that things are going ok, despite the odd traumatic moment. Hang in there, you are doing great :) and well done for getting the day pass, I hope you have a lovely relaxing time at home!

  8. Hey! Glad to see you updated. I am so glad things are going so well for you. I know its hard to deal with the increasing of calories, but your body will adjust quicker than you think. If its any consolation - I increased calories by about 1400-1600 in a span of three weeks. And really, only the first two, maybe three days of an increase were hard for my physically. Something that really helped me was not looking/gauging the amount of food in front of me and just taking it one step (or in this case - portion) at a time. Kind of helped me anyways - if I focused on just one thing at a time, I didn't get overwhelmed by thinking about everything else on the plate that still needed to be consumed.
    BTW - totally don't blame you for wanting to skip burrito and smoothie night. On top of eating disordered dramas over those food choices, I don't think I'd want to be around for the aftermath of beans and cheese on a malnourished digestive system....eek!

  9. It's ALMOST amusing to read about how "burrito and smoothie night" can wreak so much havoc on an ED unit! I'm so proud of you for staying focused on your own needs and not letting the panic of other girls who are not quite ready to let go of their ED interfere with your recovery! It's gotta be so hard to increase your meal plans so often and so quickly, but I know you can handle it! YAY for getting a home pass, I hope you enjoy your day away from the hospital! And about crying after dinner last night..I actually think it's a great thing! Let it all out! Now is your chance to let ALL of the feelings you have about your ED just flow out, it will be very cathartic for you to be able to leave all that behind!

    Sending strength and <3 your way!

  10. Oh CEDC... there is always drama. I am so glad Folls gave you a home pass. Especially because Bolocco night is no fun. I am so proud of you for taking this step. Keep up the great work!

  11. Laura,

    Oh darlin I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long. I've been thinking about you in treatment a lot the past few days so I just had to check in and see how you are doing.

    I know meal plan increases are tough, but stick with it. It WILL get easier.

    Sending lots of love and hugs,