Saturday, May 9, 2009

Reality.

Hey girls- happy Saturday!

I'm not sure if this post is going to be triggering at all. So just to be safe, I'm going to say that it MIGHT be.

I know that I hear a lot of you girls talk about how many "looks" you got and comments you received when you were underweight. Well, I was never really one of those girls who got those comments, for a few reasons. 1. I ALWAYS wear sweatshirts and baggy pants. 2. I lift weights, so I have a lot of muscle which gives my body SOME kind of shape.
Well, I guess part of the reason that treatment was always something that I pushed off was because I didn't get these comments. I knew the scale and my doctors said I was underweight, but I had no outside confirmation.
This changed very fast.
I'm currently at my lowest weight, and as the cold weather becomes something of the past- so do the sweatshirts. In fact, just last night I was at my friends house playing pool and I got a little warm. I decided to take off my sweatshirt and the moment I did, my friends uncle (who yes, was drunk) said "I haven't been that skinny since I was 11!". Uhhh...awkward. Seeing as he wasn't a girl when he was 11. But also because now everyone's attention was drawn towards me- and I don't know these guys very well (besides my sister, they were all guys older than 21). After I took my [pathetic] shot, I quickly put my sweatshirt back on.
It was just such an eye opener for me. I've gotten the stares, but I never really asked myself WHY they were looking. I don't want to be "that skinny girl". I want to be "that fun, full-of-life girl!". I want to get stared at because I walk by with confidence and stature: not because my legs are thin.

Another "confirmation" I received was actually from a nurse. It was extremely unprofessional, and totally uncalled for- but it happened and she can't take it back.
I was getting blood-work done for Cambridge while I was at school, and as she was taking it she looked at my arm and was like "girl your arm is so skinny! Do you eat?!?!".
I'm not quite sure what she was expecting me to say. "No..no I don't."? Well, if that were the case would she go buy me lunch?
Instead, I laughed and said "yeah...but I'm getting blood work done for a reason". And ended it there.

The thing that frustrates me is that I do eat...I eat a lot. Over these past few months my eating disorder has definitely transformed. I mean, an ED is an ED- I still count calories and have fear foods and isolate myself, yaddi yadda. But I eat fear foods...and a lot of them. But then I go to the gym. For hours. Anorexia turned Exercise Bulimia? Perhaps. But a label is a label, and regardless...I need help.

And help is on it's way. In TWO days I'll be in treatment. It's terrifying. I've cried my eyes out to my mom, telling her that we need to find a different way. But she has stayed strong, something she hasn't done in the past, and instead told me that we would get through this.
Breakdown- check.
Now it's on to the GOOD stuff.
I am determined. I am ready. I am relieved.
That last one plays a HUGE role in my "excitement factor".
I can't wait to go to this program and no longer have to stress about when I'm eating, what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising, if I over-ate or under-ate. It's taken care of. I'm throwing the white flag in, I'm surrendering. My life is in their hands.

Kath told me last night that I need to be the best recoverer, NOT the best anorexic.
Well girls...it looks like you have some competition for the best recoverer =P

My friend Tara also sent me over 60 songs to listen to, and add to my recovery playlist. I just wanted all of you to give one of the songs a listen. It's already helped me immensly, and hopefully it will do the same.
It's called Courage is.. by The Strange Familiar


Peace. ☮

18 comments:

  1. Two days, wow! Good luck Laura <3 I know it's scary but it will be worth it. I'm sure everyone who reads this will be thinking of you and sending you love and positive thoughts, I know I certainly will *hug*

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  2. ah yes, as the weather has gotten warmer and the layers have started coming off i've certainly felt the anxiety of showing my body to the world - but perhaps this is a good thing.. perhaps knowing we can't hide anymore is the motivation we need to get that healthy body we feel comfortable in.

    Good luck at treatment babe - i will think of you often and really hope to hear from you! I know this will bring wonderful things your way - you deserve recovery, Laur.. and i have no doubt you will achieve it.

    Stay strong and optimistic.
    Love you
    Jenny

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  3. good luck laura. i am so proud that you are getting treatment...in january i went into treatment for the 3rd time, and it was scary, but also a relief like you said, i didnt have to worry about counting cals and exercising etc...i am sending tons of positive thoughts and strength.
    you can do it!

    lots of love
    maya

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  4. you will do amazing and you will get better! good luck and amazing progress so far! comments are comments, but they still hurt...trust me....my sorority sisters werent as nice as that drunk guy's...but you just have to take those comments with a grain of salt and use them to fuel the recovery fire...use them to get better and show them all that you are more than your ED and you are a fighter. good luck babydoll....and great hearing from you via blog :)

    xoxo
    Lo

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  5. Sending you lots and lots of support for your time in treatment -- and the entire road to recovery, as always! Time to become that girl who is admired for being SO full of life!

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  6. You've come a long way since you've started this blog!! You should be very proud of yourself and proud of the journey that you're about to take! You CAN do this. I know you can :)

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  7. the best recoverer :) i love it! you can do ths hun, Im SO proud of you and the progress ur making...im sure this treatment is going to be SUCH an awesome experience and very life changing.
    you will get back to being that girl whos admired for being so full of life, i know it :)
    xxx

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  8. Will be thinking of you, girl! You are so so strong :-)

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  9. Good luck Laura! :hugs:
    If its any consolation - I've had it in my head that I must look so much better now because people are constantly telling me how much better I look. All of these were people who had seen me in my lower to lowest weight phases. When I gave my talk at the highs chool - apparently some of the kids said to their teachers afterwards that they thought I "still had a long way to go" and that they figured I was either anorexic or had a drug problem when I got on the stage. :sigh: It is hard, but I am glad you are starting to realize that you do still have a problem, even if its getting better. ED has a way of manipulating and changing forms to make us think we are getting better. And even if we are, its not always as much better as we may think. I really hope that this treatment center truly helps you move on past the eating disorder, and into a new, more beautiful and self-accepting place of mind and spirit.
    xo
    Tori

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  10. The time is now, it is yours, use all your beautiful energy to focus on you, inside to out. Remember who you are, and not the ed. You can be so much and beyond, take care of yourself girlie. xoxo earthybrit.wordpress.com

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  11. Oh laura i am so sorry about that incident. I don't care who a person is, how drunk, or ignorant, or insensitive- that is so rude and I can't (actually YA i can) imagine the pain that that caused you. You have come so far and you are being so strong despite the moments when ED tells you you aren't...we are all here for you and rooting for you hardcore, oxxoox

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  12. Laura,

    I actually had a nurse tell me something eerily close to that a while back... so unprofessional! It would never be alright for someone to say, "Wow! Your arm is so fat." Why does the opposite not hold true?

    Go be the best recoverer ever. :D

    Have a great Sunday darlin,

    With Love,

    Emily

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  13. Your courageous outlook is so inspiring, Laura. I know how scary it is to be admitted to treatment, but once you're there and you grasp the routine, you'll realize that being the best recoverer is something that you want to do, not something that is extremely scary. I am so proud of you for taking this step forward. You are amazing. Love you so much. Just wondering, do you think you'll continue posting once you enter treatment? If you don't please keep me updated through e-mail/facebook messaging. I want to know how you're doing and I want to support you in anyway I can :)
    Love,
    Lex

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  14. Lots of love and support from me!

    You're doing a great thing and you're completely right about wanting to be remembered for being full of life and not for having skinny legs. The comments that ED makes us long for: "oh, you're so skinny" and "your arms are so thin" are actually pretty crappy when you get them. People pity you for being skinny, it's one of the main reasons I want to recover, I agree with you and I wish you the best! I'll keep reading your blog.

    Love,

    Tina

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  15. Aww Laura you are so strong. I'm really sorry about the awkward comment your uncle made, I know how self-conscious that must have made you feel. UGH and the nurse is so clueless! What is wrong with her? I don't know why that is far too common..you'd think that people who WORK in the health care field would be compassionate and sensitive, and SMART about what they say to their patients, but from my experience nurses (and even some dr.s) are even more likely to make triggering/unprofessional comments about EDs or appearance! Not cool, but just focus on being the best "recovererer" as you say! Enjoy the songs, and try to get the most out of the treatment experience as you can. Embrace what they challenge you with, because if you skip over the part where you resist them, it will make everything a lot less painful and you'll get the most out of your time there! <3 u, I know it's going to be scary at first but you are really inspirational and I'm so proud of you for taking this step!

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  16. the time has come. do not fight this chance at life, laura. you CAN do this. i am so relieved and proud of you. what ipu are you going to?

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  17. thanks for being so open and honest girl! you got this-- you can do it! so proud of you for realizing this and taking the necessary steps! i know you will do great things in life babes!! this is just one little bump in the rode and you are gonna come out SOOOO far on top! xoxo

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