Saturday, June 20, 2009

SLUUUURRRP

Yes, that's the noise I just made as I finished my iced coffee.
The iced coffee that I drove myself to get.
The iced coffee that I have been missing for the past 6 weeks.
That's right girlys...I'm home.

I'm not completely finished with the program. Yesterday I stepped down to the partial program where I will be commuting to Boston 3-5 days a week to attend the program which runs 9:30-3:30. I think I can handle it.

I'm having a little trouble with body image right now, but besides that and the meal plan...I'm doing GREAT! I've never been SO happy to get home...I thought I was going to cry. Saying goodbye to some of those girls was heartbreaking, but I know that a few of them will be stepping down to partial within the next week as well, so I will get to see them for a little longer.

I'll be honest with you girls- I almost signed myself out on Wednesday. Anxiety and the weight gain got the best of me, and I was only seconds away from doing it. But I didn't. My parents stayed tough and convinced me to stay one more night. I'm telling you- some of the best advice I can give to you girls is to sleep on it. I woke up the next morning able to see clearly once again, and pushed myself through 2 more days.

I'm still not done gaining weight, which is really stressing me out. I'm at 90% of my ideal weight, but they want me at 95%. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle that. I was wondering if any of you girls had any ideas for coping skills regarding body image? I really need some!

Also, look what I came home to yesterday:



My mom is such a sweetheart. And although some of those may not be true (ie. good at drawing) it was still a sweet gesture =]

Well...I'm off to drown myself in some mindless television.
Have a great Saturday girls!!
<3

18 comments:

  1. hey!
    ahh, i remember leaving ip and being so excited to have a diet coke for the first time in 3 months :)

    glad your home and you are feeling good! that is wonderful that you made great friends in IP! i made some of my closest friends in ip. they do the whole % thingy in renfrew too, and when i left my 1st time in 2007 i got to 90% as well and in partial they wanted me to gain more, i know it is scary to think about and its overwhelming but i know you can gain the last few pounds to get fully healthy :)

    some things i do for body image coping skills is i try to focus on parts of me that i love/like, or hang pictures of really healthy beautiful celebs or any role models on your wall/ mirror.

    <3
    maya

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  2. I just discovered your blog and thought I'd stop by and tell you how much I'm enjoying reading it. You're doing so well and you seem so brave - it's really inspiring! Best of luck with the rest of your weight gain. You can do it!

    http://smallchangesaddup.wordpress.com

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  3. Laura! It's so good to hear from you! Remember that you are gorgeous and deserve to live a happy and healthy life :)

    Keep your chin up, sugar plum!

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  4. So happy to hear of the good changes and LOVE that pic!!!

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  5. hi laura! it's elise from elise's eats. i check in on you every time you update even though my blog is gone :)

    i'm so happy for you. i can't even begin to tell you. i struggle with the same thing (and i'm 'recovered') -- body image and feeling confident with my new healthy body and healthy habits. It can be stressful because I feel out of control!

    Let me just tell you though-- you are a beautiful person. you're so honest and thoughtful and the way we all look doesn't MATTER. it's just a vehicle for doing good things in the world. and to be honest (i'm not sure this is a great thing to say, but im' going to say it anyway)-- the pictures you posted of yourself at your lowest weight were SCARY. you did NOT look good. and i know sometimes that's hard to believe because we all think "oh, they're just saying i didn't look good at my thinnest because they know how unhealthy i was, but in reality i did look good" -- NO. you already look SO MUCH BETTER. your arms look fabulous and i'm sure you'll just become more and more beautiful as you get healthier. think of all the positives with being a healthy weight: better hair, better skin, the "glow", better nails, muscles... and these are just the AESTHETIC pluses!! Not to mention you're undoubtedly more fun, happier, more carefree, more in-the-moment, more capable at a healthy weight too!

    I'm so so proud of you. Don't let the eating disorder sneak back up on you-- it's easy for that to happen, but stay strong, because you can't live with anorexia forever. you just can't. so the earlier you make this permanent change the better! because every time you creep back into anorexia's "comfort," it just means you're delaying the painful recovery process because inevitably you WILL have to try again if you take steps backwards.

    so do it now, rather than later, and commit for life, trust it's for the best, know that everyone's rooting for you, and embody the person you want to be-- one that's a great role model for all the little girls who look up to older ones for what's 'right'. and one that's full of life and energy and makes the world a better place.

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  6. hey Laura! Glad to see you're back home! I know when I came home from IP last year, the first thing I did was take a shower in my own bathroom and go for a drive.
    Right now is going to be the most crucial point for you. I relapsed when I transitioned from IP to home - but I also had no continued care. I am really glad that you are going to a partial program and I hope that it will help you stay on track until you adjust to have fabulous and gorgeous you are ^.^

    Something that I think has helped me hold on even when I'm feeling like crap is reminding myself of how long I've battled this for and how far I've come. You worked too hard and have come too far to let the ED back into the ring now. You have the power here and now - not anorexia. I know its frightening, but it can be exhilerating too. From now on YOU make the choices, not the ED. You are on your way to a beautiful life, one that is entirely complete and satisfying, and ED-free.
    Take care of yourself and stay strong. You are worth every minute.

    <3Tori

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  7. your mother is a sweetheart, as are you. you truly are an inspiration, laura, and i am so proud of you!
    keep us updated--we're here for you!

    <3 erin

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  8. a million congrats to you Laur! you have such strength and determination and i could not be more proud of you for hanging in there! it sounds like your mom feels the same way -- what a sweetheart she is! I think you have inspired many woman, myself included =)

    love you very much, beautiful!
    xoxo, Jenny*

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  9. hi hun,

    wow, im so so proud of you for how far uve come!! congrats on getting to go home girlie :) im so so excited for you!! and what your mum wrote on the mirror is SO sweet, i love it!!

    i think with the body image issues, they do take time once you reach a healthier weight as you have to get used to it, but something that always helps me is thinking about all the amazing things my body can do and how i feel rather than how i look...i also remind myself when i was at my lowest weight i was so miserable and thats not what i want.

    good luck settling in back home hun, youll be great :)
    love you
    xxxx

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  10. i hate you and your ice coffee. JEALOUS!!! ug well i had it yesterday but i want it now!
    Im glad you are doing well. you look BEAUTIFUL!!! We all miss you here at CEDC. You come up all the time throughout the day. I had to take your spot of starting wrap up and check in and everything... hahah ug.
    Stay strong betch im really proud of you!!
    oh and you are a good drawer! Ive seen you kangaroos in expressive

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  11. Welcome home! I'm so proud of you for sticking with it -- keep up the good fight!

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  12. welcome home Laura! I am so proud of you for sticking it out and working so hard!

    Body image is the last thing to go I think and I don't have great words of wisdom- all that I can say is that 1) it DOES get easier, 2) it takes time and 3) waiting it out (like you did on Wednesday night) is the only way forward. Maybe make some more affirmations to stick around the house and a list of why you are choosing recovery, as well as all the things a healthy body can do... :) Oh, also- I don't know if you will believe me when I say this, but my thinking around my body changes a LOT when I reached 95% and from speaking to others, that's not uncommon- I felt better about myself and had far less obsessive thoughts than I did below that weight so worth bearing in mind.

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  13. Hey Laura, I'm so happy for you! You should be so tremendously proud of how far you've come.

    I still struggle with body image now, but it's gotten a lot better since I've reached my goal weight. When I was still underweight,I was miserable because I was focusing on how much weight I'd gained from my lowest point. But after I reached the healthy weight my doctors picked for me, I became mentally healthier too and starting appreciating my body a lot more. I'm betting the same thing will happen for you, so just keep fighting to gain those last few pounds.

    Enjoy your day, love!

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  14. Hi Laura,
    Your Mom is so sweet! Congratulations on your recovery, girl. Keep it up!

    Love,
    Egg Beaten Angel
    my blog: imstillfighting.blogspot.com

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  15. I am so proud of you for sticking it through and working hard through the program to reclaim your life and your health. You are beautiful and deserve a great life and you are on the road to it.

    Take Care sweets!

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  16. YOR'RE doing so so well. How is home?? I hope you are doing well, but i know you are! (right?)
    I'm not sure when im stepping down yet- first it was wednesday not my insurence approved me until Thursday but Folly isn't talking about me leaving as much as she was at the end of last week...

    gotta go shower- love you!

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  17. You are completely right, i just get frustrated- but i'm sure you know all about that!

    You have no idea how happy I am to hear you are doing so well. And I am so, so, so, so, SO proud of yo Laura!!! I really, really am!

    "On your own" sounds a little scary! Haha, but I am feeling SO much better it's bizzar. I cannot wait to see you in partial. Is it just like groups all day and like lunch plus snacks? Is it like a helpful step down or? Aka how do you feel about it? haha.

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  18. Lauraaa!!! Girl I have missed you so! I was just noticing...we have pretty much the exact same style/body type lol...You are looking amazzzing!!! I miss your posts, and I hope you are doing well!

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