Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Update time!

So girls, I promised you an update so here it is! I am sad to report, however, that this update isn't exactly what I imagined it was going to be. A few days ago I was under the impression that I would be stepping down to partial today, but my weight has decided to do funny things so I am going to be staying here until next week sometime. At first I was extremely upset, but looking bad and thinking rationally about it- I think it's for the best. I've been going home at least one day every weekend, which has been nice. Stressful...but nice. This weekend I'll be going home both days, but returning here at night. That way I will have a safe, supportive environment to return to.

As for the previous 4.5 weeks...things have been up and down, but surprisingly more up than down! I'm absolutely BLOWN away by how slowly my body has been gaining weight. I won't use numbers, but let's just say it's been very VERY slow. My body has been using all the extra energy for self-repair, which I just need to accept. If I were to be gaining at the upper-level that they wanted, I would have only had to be here for roughly 2-3 weeks. But I'm on my 5th week right now, and I'm still waiting for the weight. It's incredible how much our bodies can actually take in and use without having to store.

As for body changes- it's touch and go. I have days where I am like " THAT'S where all the weight went" but I have other days when I'm confident in my own skin...which simply NEVER happens when I'm wrapped up in my eating disorder.

In regards to energy levels. Let me just say one thing- WOW. I am feeling like a completely different person...but different in regards to what I was like during my eating disorder. I feel like I'm discovering my true self. And as cliche as that sounds, it's completely true. I'm learning to be ME. Actually...not even LEARNING, just doing.

And holy hell girls- I can LAUGH again!! And not like a little "I'm snickering because I know I should be" but instead a "my stomach hurts so much and I can't breathe or stop laughing and I just don't know why!!" It's amazing. It's miraculous. It's every other adjective that means INCREDIBLE!!

I have learned so many things while being here, and I plan on sharing so much with everyone here (if you all want to hear it of course!). It's helped me immensely and I've begun to realize how much journaling really helps me. I never thought that writing things down that will never be read would actually help, but it does. My pen hits the paper and word-by-word my worries begin to disappear. Well, not so much disappear as dwindle and become less apparent. It's nice. It's relieving. Gosh, this whole experience has been LIBERATING!

I can honestly say however, that a few weeks ago I probably wouldn't be able to say all of this. It's tough, there's no doubt about it. But looking back on my experience, it has been unlike no other. I am changing, and I am okay with that. I've learned about radical acceptance and positive self-talk, and I've met some of the most AMAZING people while being here (amazing seems to be a reoccuring word, doesn't it?) OH and how funny is it that I'm roommates with a girl who has the same last name as me?! We're basically the same person =P

So I leave you with a few last funny pictures...for kicks...for giggles...for the hell of it.
I'll be updating more as soon as possible.
Goodnight girlies!!



  1. laur this post made my so happy!!!!! especially the part about your rediscovering yourself and learning how to laugh again.. how beautiful!

    don't get down on yourself that the process is slow.. i am so proud of you for DOING IT and committing yourself to recovery... absolutely fabulous, girl

    love you always and keep in touch!

  2. Hey girly! Can I just tell you how proud I am of your amazing attitude throughout this journey? I speak for myself and everyone else who reads your blog when I say that we're cheering for you! I know you can do it and I'm looking forward to hearing from you more often. :)

    (yeah so I posted this once and I then realized how many typos I had and re-did it, haha!)

  3. this is amazing to read girl!
    doesn't it feel WONDERFUL to have the energy to shower, to write, and then the freakin laugh.
    really LAUGH. i know exactly how you feel, and it sort of just HAPPENS one day and you cover your mouth like you just burped out loud, because something so foreign, such as laughing, just inadvertently decided to pop out one day!

    love it and love you! keep up the good work girl

  4. I am so happy to hear you like this - so optimistic, healthy, and most of all, happy! You are doing so well and I wish you the best of luck!

  5. hun im so so happy to hear you speaking so positively and optimisticly :) you are on the road to health and happiness and im so proud of you for how far uve come!
    take care girlie

  6. I love this post... and I totally forgot you were there with Lana... tell her I said hi!

    I know how frustrating it can be when they tell you that you are stepping down to partial and then its like umm nope sorry you have to wait longer. I'm glad you are enjoying yourself and starting to experience life. Its funny how we become so disconnected with ourselves when we are wrapped up in our eating disorders. I remember feeling the same things at CEDC... like learning to laugh and have fun again, even if it was with silly things like decorating the group room like a jungle and sticking stars to the ceiling, or spending hours a day coloring in disney princess coloring books.

    Good luck with stepping down to partial. The staff down there is great... although you dont get to go to groups in your pajamas haha but at least you get to leave at the end of the day.

    Im so so so happy for you! Keep your head up, and keep enjoying life!

    I am also really happy you enjoy journaling... Folls must be really happy about that!

  7. Just came across your blog and I love this post, there is truly nothing like all the regular thoughts and feelings returning to you after starvation! You are doing so well and its really inspiring :)

  8. What a wonderful, upbeat post! It sounds as though, even though your body might be lagging behind a bit, in terms of weight gain, your mental recovery is through the roof. AMAZING job!

  9. Laura, I'm so so so happy for you! You should be very proud of yourself and all of your accomplishments! I know I'm proud of you - this post made me smile from ear to ear! You deserve NOTHING but the best!!

  10. This is SO good to hear! I pass through Harvard Square on my way to my internship twice per week and think of you every time.

    The best part about this post = the true, genuine SMILES in those photos!

  11. It's so great to hear how you are doing. I love the idea that you are learning and just being yourself, without being shrouded in ED. I am so happy for you and you should be proud of yourself.

    I hav erecently found that journaling has really helped me -- not blogging but actually journaling.

    Take Care sweetie,

  12. Girlfriend I am so proud of you for moving down to partial today!!!! You are going to do great! I added this picture on mine too. Good luck!!!

  13. I am just tuning in to your blog and this is very inspirational to me..especially in regards to laughing. We tend to forget how something as simple as laughing can turn our whole day around. Hold your head high and good luck!