Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Freedom

I. Am. Done. !!!!

With CEDC that is!! I was officially discharged from partial on Friday, and as happy as I thought I would be- I am equally as terrified
. There is no more structure for me. I am on my own, and even though I learned numerous amounts of coping skills, I am still nervous for what my future holds.

With that being said- I am also extremely excited! All during my stay at residential I would tell people (and myself) that I can't wait to get back to my life. I wished that I could just hit a fast forward button and have it be the end of treatment where I was home and living my life. Now...here I am. I have a full week ahead of me....filled with nothing but my life. I almost don't know what to do with myself. I guess I figu
red that at this point I would be in a much different place. I thought I would no longer be counting calories or worried about meals, but the truth it- I still am. It's not as extreme or obsessive as it used to be, but I still feel lost when it comes to meals.

My parents have been so great about it though. My mom always makes sure I'm okay with the things she makes, and asks me to do things because she knows I have trouble getting my mind off of food or my body or anything having to do with an ED. Today we actually went to AC MOORE and picked up paint by numbers to do together! Ahhh I'm such a momma's girl. But hell- I'll take it! I have so many things that I want to do, most of which are some form of arts and crafts. I just need to be able to motivate myself enough to say "Okay...I need to stop thinking about food and start thinking about life. I need to live and then eat, not eat and make time to live." It's such a hard thing to do, but I kn
ow I have it in me to do it. It's going to be tough, there is no doubt in my mind. But I am done with this. With treatment, with my ED. With ALL of that! I have been repeating "I'm done with this shit" over and over in my head when I begin getting wrapped up in thoughts, and girls- it sure does help!

We're grilling tonight, and I am so excited. The sun is out, and air is warm, and I'm home. For good.


10 comments:

  1. ah i wish i could just jump through the screen and give you a huge hug right now, Laur! you are the epitome of strength and courage! I am BEYOND proud of you and all your hard work <3

    there is so much excitment ahead of you -- enjoy LIVING sweetheart!! :)

    love you always,
    Jenny

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  2. yay! good for you! i am home all summer with no job or anything, and it is definitely hard to push the thoughts away w/ so much free time on your hands. BUT just go outside, take a walk, and enjoy being ALIVE! :-) best of luck

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  3. YAY!!!!!!!! I am so proud and happy for you! I am sure during this time there is far more growth in your soul than you can see right now! SOOOOO happy to see you ready to LIVE LIFE!!!!!!!!! :) :)

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  4. Ahhh! So exciting. I'm so happy for you! You have shown such motivation and courage - you should be proud (I am!)

    Enjoy the summer - live it up!

    Love you,
    Emma

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  5. hi sweetheart,
    i am SO SO SO proud of you and i just want to give you a big hug! youve come so incredibly far and even though you said you still have those thoughts...they do go with time if you commit 100 percent to recovery, which i know you already have!
    your amazing girlie :) a true star!!
    enjoy being home!!
    love you tons,
    xxxx

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  6. Hey sweets!

    I am so so excited to hear you are home and done and doing so well coping on your own. You ar eso brave and inspiring to so many people. You have come so far, and even though you still have those thoughts you know how to tell them to leave you the hell alone.

    Keep up the good work. we are all behind you!

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  7. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog - so glad to have found yours too! Welcome home and enjoy!

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  8. SO proud of you Laur for raellll!
    but now, more than ever, is when you need to be most cautious. keep a positive and motivated mindset love!
    xo

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  9. yay you are home! just take it all day by day and stay postive! try to slowly stop counting calories by just relying on feeling hunger/fullness/etc..it takes time but will work eventually :)

    peace and love,
    lo

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