I. Am. Done. !!!!
With CEDC that is!! I was officially discharged from partial on Friday, and as happy as I thought I would be- I am equally as terrified. There is no more structure for me. I am on my own, and even though I learned numerous amounts of coping skills, I am still nervous for what my future holds.
With that being said- I am also extremely excited! All during my stay at residential I would tell people (and myself) that I can't wait to get back to my life. I wished that I could just hit a fast forward button and have it be the end of treatment where I was home and living my life. Now...here I am. I have a full week ahead of me....filled with nothing but my life. I almost don't know what to do with myself. I guess I figured that at this point I would be in a much different place. I thought I would no longer be counting calories or worried about meals, but the truth it- I still am. It's not as extreme or obsessive as it used to be, but I still feel lost when it comes to meals.
My parents have been so great about it though. My mom always makes sure I'm okay with the things she makes, and asks me to do things because she knows I have trouble getting my mind off of food or my body or anything having to do with an ED. Today we actually went to AC MOORE and picked up paint by numbers to do together! Ahhh I'm such a momma's girl. But hell- I'll take it! I have so many things that I want to do, most of which are some form of arts and crafts. I just need to be able to motivate myself enough to say "Okay...I need to stop thinking about food and start thinking about life. I need to live and then eat, not eat and make time to live." It's such a hard thing to do, but I know I have it in me to do it. It's going to be tough, there is no doubt in my mind. But I am done with this. With treatment, with my ED. With ALL of that! I have been repeating "I'm done with this shit" over and over in my head when I begin getting wrapped up in thoughts, and girls- it sure does help!
We're grilling tonight, and I am so excited. The sun is out, and air is warm, and I'm home. For good.
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