Girls, I've never felt SO empowered in my life. I remember Jaime mentioning that sometimes we think we want to recover, but we aren't ALL in. At first I didn't really understand what she was saying...because as far as I was concerned, I was doing all that I needed to do to recover- and I truly wanted to. But I was only lying to myself. I still found myself addicted to the gym, unable to eat real meals, and calorie counting beyond belief.
Then I went to CEDC.
And now, here I sit, 110% IN. I'm IN recovery, and that's exactly where I want to be. I look back now and feel a sense of sadness and anger when I think about what I put my body through. I know that I shouldn't be looking backwards on the past, but it's tough because it was such a huge struggle. It feels good though to know that I am sitting here with a much clearer head on my shoulders, and a healthier way of living. I am no longer a hypocrite- I am voicing to everyone the importance of recovery AS I'm in it myself. I feel strong, empowered, untouchable. It's exhilarating. Who knew?
I have a lot of things I'm planning on sharing with you girls once I find the time to sit down and type. As I said in my previous entries- I've been finding myself journaling a lot recently. But there are a few things I have written that I think you girls would appreciate, so when I have time I'm going to type them out. Perhaps word-for-word, perhaps paraphrased. Who knows?! But I believe that hearing them could not only help you, but help me- simply by rereading and getting feedback.
Until then, I wanted to share with you something that I shared with a girl who's also suffering from an ED. She mentioned that she currently doesn't have the motivation to recover, and was wondering what helped me find it. So I sent her this:
Finding the motivation to recover is definitely one of the hardest things to do. It took me over 3 years to finally say "I'm fucking done with this!" Really, I had no choice. I was already medically affected- I have osteopenia and TERRIBLE circulation. I was at a low weight, but because of my muscle mass I wasn't necessarily DEATHLY thin. But it wasn't really the weight that made me realize I needed to change. It was the fact that I hadn't genuinely laughed in so long, and I was tired all the time, and I wasn't making friends because I spent all my time at the gym. And the hardest part to get over are the thoughts- the negative self talk, the constant thought about food and weight and body. I mean...we have ONE life and I was wasting it and taking it for granted. I realized that I have goals and aspirations- all of which could not be attained while using my behaviors. It was also hurting my family and my friends (the few of which I had since my life was revolved around my ED). I realized that I wanted to look like Laura, NOT my eating disorder.
I feel myself wanting to help others more than ever now, but I also need to be focusing on myself. It's hard sometimes to find a balance between offering others advice, and taking my own. But currently, I think I found a "happy place" where I can be helping others, AND myself.
Until next time gals!