Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'm doing this.

Girls, I've never felt SO empowered in my life. I remember Jaime mentioning that sometimes we think we want to recover, but we aren't ALL in. At first I didn't really understand what she was saying...because as far as I was concerned, I was doing all that I needed to do to recover- and I truly wanted to. But I was only lying to myself. I still found myself addicted to the gym, unable to eat real meals, and calorie counting beyond belief.

Then I went to CEDC.

And now, here I sit, 110% IN. I'm IN recovery, and that's exactly where I want to be. I look back now and feel a sense of sadness and anger when I think about what I put my body through. I know that I shouldn't be looking backwards on the past, but it's tough because it was such a huge struggle. It feels good though to know that I am sitting here with a much clearer head on my shoulders, and a healthier way of living. I am no longer a hypocrite- I am voicing to everyone the importance of recovery AS I'm in it myself. I feel strong, empowered, untouchable. It's exhilarating. Who knew?

I have a lot of things I'm planning on sharing with you girls once I find the time to sit down and type. As I said in my previous entries- I've been finding myself journaling a lot recently. But there are a few things I have written that I think you girls would appreciate, so when I have time I'm going to type them out. Perhaps word-for-word, perhaps paraphrased. Who knows?! But I believe that hearing them could not only help you, but help me- simply by rereading and getting feedback.

Until then, I wanted to share with you something that I shared with a girl who's also suffering from an ED. She mentioned that she currently doesn't have the motivation to recover, and was wondering what helped me find it. So I sent her this:
Finding the motivation to recover is definitely one of the hardest things to do. It took me over 3 years to finally say "I'm fucking done with this!" Really, I had no choice. I was already medically affected- I have osteopenia and TERRIBLE circulation. I was at a low weight, but because of my muscle mass I wasn't necessarily DEATHLY thin. But it wasn't really the weight that made me realize I needed to change. It was the fact that I hadn't genuinely laughed in so long, and I was tired all the time, and I wasn't making friends because I spent all my time at the gym. And the hardest part to get over are the thoughts- the negative self talk, the constant thought about food and weight and body. I mean...we have ONE life and I was wasting it and taking it for granted. I realized that I have goals and aspirations- all of which could not be attained while using my behaviors. It was also hurting my family and my friends (the few of which I had since my life was revolved around my ED). I realized that I wanted to look like Laura, NOT my eating disorder.

I feel myself wanting to help others more than ever now, but I also need to be focusing on myself. It's hard sometimes to find a balance between offering others advice, and taking my own. But currently, I think I found a "happy place" where I can be helping others, AND myself.

Until next time gals!


(be goofy!)

23 comments:

  1. wow laura, im so so proud of you..beyond words :) it sounds like youve come so incredibly far and are such an sinspiration to us all!!
    i cant wait to hear more of what you want to share with us!!
    love u lots hun
    xxxx

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  2. <3 I love this post! I am SO glad to hear you are so much more motivated to truly get better.
    I get asked that question a LOT. In my mind though, its not so much of a "how" that you chose to recover, but rather a "why". The ability is always there, it just takes time to realize it. I am really glad that you've finally seen that you do have the strength and determination to get your life and yourself back. I can't wait to hear about all the other revelations you've had.
    xo
    Tori

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  3. YAYA get it girl!!!

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  4. !!!!

    Wonderful!

    Reading this post just brightened up my dark, wet, thunderstormy morning.

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  5. YOU GO GIRL! i'm reading this in the morning as i eat breakfast, and it's making me have a positive feeling about the day ahead, and my LIFE ahead! thanks so much

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  6. I'm so happy for you, Laura!! I'm wishing you ALL the best :)

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  7. I particularly like the line about having 'one life'. I think about this often -- there are no re-dos or go-backs. We don't get our teens or our twenties or ANY era of our life back to try again, and if we waste those years alone with ED, that's how those chapters of our lives will be written, forevermore. That certainly motivates ME to get myself healthy and on track!

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  8. As much as I complained and bitched about CEDC while I was there, it really, really helped me. I am really glad it has helped you too. I am so proud of how far you've come. Keep fighting girl!

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  9. so incredibly good to hear from you little lady :) you've got the best attitude! i love it! xoxo

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  10. i honestly could not be more proud of you, Laur! you are such a strong individual and so inspiring :)!! lots of love to you sweetheart <3

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  11. I am so glad you are in a good place and feeling good about yourself and your road to recovery! Keep up the fight girl!

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  12. aww thanks for the shout girl!

    i am SOOO glad you did this post-- and you went through this program-- you seem to be in a completely different place than you were months ago-- and i am just beaming with pride for you!

    seriously girl-- you should feel SOOOO proud of yourself!!!!!!!!!!! amazing

    xxoxoxox j

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  13. Hey there,
    I read you blog, but have never posted (I don't think?) a comment. This post was so helpful to me, you have no idea. I am in recovery as well (I too, am not at a dangerous weight at all, my BMI is 19) but as much as I say I'm "recovering" I'm still hopelessly addicted to exercising, and making no moves towards stopping. I NEED TO STOP. But its so hard - and no one can understand why (except for other ED sufferers). Your comment about not laughing....that is exactly how I feel. To a T. My personality has done a complete 180 since my eating disorder started raging, and I'm so ANGRY WITH IT BECAUSE I WANT THE OLD ME BACK. But I'm struggling to find the motivation to STOP EXERCISING, its whats holding me back from truly getting better. Thank you for this post, it is helping me more than you know. Really and truly.

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  14. Amazing! I can really tell the difference in your writing style--so much more life to your words! Good luck on this journey XOXO

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  15. I have just recently started reading your blog, and I have to say, I LOVE it. I am in recovery as well, and still to this day, have those thoughts going back to my eating disorder from time to time. I am and active equestrian, and it seems lately my horse and riding is the only thing that keeps me truly happy, and focused. So I was wondering, what is your best advice on stayig positive and learning to love yourself?

    Thank you so much for your posts, keep it up. <3

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  16. I'm so proud of you girl! :D

    And, I know, I can't believe Kashi let me down, either! haha

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  17. You go girliee! Love your attitude, it's so inspiring! And very cute pic lmao xx

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  18. That was a wonderful post, you've given me hope!

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  19. hay laura! i have been to the CEDC. I just started a blog too. I look forward to reading more!!

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  20. Good for you Laura, I'm so pleased :) I am 110% in too, if 110% is possible :P I hope you can keep this feeling of determination and motivation with you <3

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  21. hey laura. I don't know if you remember me but I emailed you a few months ago. I'm happy to see you're doing so well!
    xo, steph

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  22. laura, i read up on ur blog for the first time in a while since its your birthday!


    i am working @ a farm this summer and it has been the most wonderful thing that has happened to me & my recovery since. ive gained the muscle mass i've needed and finally look my age. i wish you the same kind of happiness & self confidence- we ALL deserve it. first steps---take chances, take risks, love others and love yourself.

    *i know you know this, but once you replace the obsession with food with something else, it just disappears into the background, almost like magic. find your passion!

    let's meet up soon! i am going to rhode island (watch hill & newport) with my fam for 4 days end of august. will u be around???? facebook me!!

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