Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sometimes honesty IS the best policy

I'm going to warn you girls...this post MIGHT be a little on the negative (and triggering) side. I never know how it's going to turn out when I start typing, so I figured a forewarning would be for the best.

I've been trying to figure out how I've been feeling recently, and I guess the only way to describe it is:

Consumed and defeated

Okay okay, I know that's no way to look at things...but let me explain a little bit to you.

Last Monday I went to the doctors for my normal weekly weight-in. I knew I didn't have a very good week, but I didn't realize HOW bad of a week I had truly had. When the doctor came in she told me that I wasn't far from where I was when I was admitted to CEDC.

Fast forward two days.

I'm at ANOTHER doctors appointment to get my annual EKG done of my heart (just a precaution....things run in my family). Well, the tech weighed me and I asked her if I could have a blind weigh-in. She agreed and said that she would tell the doctor not to tell me what I weighed. Now...I LISTENED to her tell the doctor not to say anything...but I knew from past experience that she was going to blurt it out once she entered the exam room.
And she did.
The number scared me. I was considerably lower than I believed I had been, and that's WITH a full bladder and all my clothes. In addition to this, I know the number that my doctors want me at before I go to school, and I know that there is no way (physically...because of my past history of slow weight gain) that I will reach it.

HOWEVER. (you girls know me...there's ALWAYS a HOWEVER)
My nutritionist and I came up with a "game plan" and so far I think I'm doing pretty well. It worries me though, because I told her what I had been eating and she added to that...but I don't even know if THAT'S enough at this point. So even if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be, I may still be going in the opposite direction.

So defeated? Maybe not DEFEATED. Just a little disappointed in myself, and "stuck" at the moment.

But as for consumed...
This has been my biggest struggle recently, even more so than actual food intake. All I think about is food, all I read about is food, and all I WANT to talk about is food. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to go to a party and not be able to think about anything else, it's frustrating to finish a meal and still want to eat just for the hell of it but instead just think about the next time I'm going to eat and what I'm going to eat and how I'm going to eat it.

I am tired of living to eat. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and thinking about my meals for the day. I'm tired of having my mood determined by how much I ate, or WHAT I ate, and I'm tired of associating being home with eating. I'm tired of not being able to focus on anything besides my meals or snacks or body or what everyone else is eating or EVERYTHING that has to do with food. I'm just TIRED of it!

I've been trying to use distractions, but while I'm doing those distractions I end up thinking about food. I try stopping myself from thinking about it, but part of me LIKES to. I just want to go to a family party and enjoy myself because of what we're doing, or seeing my family. I feel like I'm letting my life pass me by...and I'm perfectly aware that it's happening.

I need advice. Please?!

8 comments:

  1. h sweetie, I totally know how you feel about feeling consumed. I felt the same way when I got out of treatment the first time (and still sometimes now) It is really difficult when you leave the residential environment where everything revolves around planning food and meals. As far as advice goes , just try to take it one meal at a time. Just try to stay in the moment. I know that is a LOT easier said than done but try not to get too down on yourself if you feel like your focusing a lot on food. Good luck and have a good evening!

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  2. I used to struggle a LOT with an eating disorder, but actually, exercising/lifting weights helped me overcome it. Once I started gaining major muscle, and realized I needed calories to "fuel" my workouts, so I could go faster and longer, my mindset on eating began to shift into a healthier direction.
    I'm not sure if that was helpful at all, but it was my personal strategy to stop thinking about food in a negative stance.
    I know its frustrating. Good luck girl :)

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  3. Hey there! I just stumbled across your blog after I just had a little ED freak out of my own and went to the blogging world for comfort, and I'm so glad I found your blog!

    You are by far one of the coolest people I have come across!

    I am exactly the same at the moment, so when you work out how to over come this, tell me!

    Sorry for being very unhelpful!
    Katie

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  4. hey love,
    i'm so sorry you're struggling right now. i know first hand how difficult things can be post-residential. try to remember all of your motivations for recovery, coping skills, and facts that the nutritionist taught. try to combat ed's lies with everything you know; all of the knowledge you gained from CEDC. i know you can do this. dig deep into your heart and you will know why you want to recover. love you, hope you have a good day.
    ~lex

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  5. Laur - I am so sorry thaty ou've been struggling a little bit lately - but i want you to know you are NOT defeated.. you haven't lost the fight!!!! i know you have the strength to rise above and continue forward in your journey -- it's dificult to have a time limit on things (i.e. you need to gain "x" pounds by school) .. and i think all you can do right now is the best that you can! work on that! though i've never been to inpatient i'm sure that coming back to the "real world" is probably EXTREMELY stressful and i commend you so much for coping with it as best as you can. It sounds like you are genuinly fed up with your ED right now.. and use htat hatred towards him to motivate you in your journey! you don't want to be consumed with thoughts of food?? you don't have to! try to think of ways to channel your thoughts! go or a walk, color, paint a picture, do yoga (!!) anything to distract your mind! and of course, if you need, you can always email me :)!!

    love you lots, Laur <3 stay strong! things WILL come together for you!

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  6. Hey Laura,

    The SAME thing happened to me when I came home from Cornell last spring. I had no idea I could lose weight that quickly and in such great amounts.
    Something that really helped me not to have to think about food very much was eating a lot of the same foods day in and day out. I know it sounds totally eating disordered - but when I already had come up two or three 1200 calorie breakfasts, 700-calorie lunches and dinners, etc - I just decided to stop meal planning and just repeated a lot of things, making minor changes here and there. I didn't have to obsess that way over making every meal special. I knew having a cup of tuna casserole with a dish of vanilla ice cream and chocolate chips and a glass of juice was enough for dinner - why not have it a few times a week? Then I didn't spend all day wondering what I could have to make up the calories. Also - baggies of trail mix, bars and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are great, portable snacks to bring with you when you go out with friends. Not too much to carry, and they don't spoil easily. You can eat enough and live your life - it just takes a bit of time to figure it all out.
    If you ever need anything, please feel free to email me! I'll do whatever I can to help.
    xo
    Tori

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  7. *hugs* I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now! I think it is great though that you are working with your nutritionist to come up with a plan. I have never had an eating disorder, so I dont know if I will be of any help, but when my doctor told me to gain some more weight she told me to add a serving of grains, protein, or fat to my meals. She told me not to add another serving of fruit or veggies because of their low density.

    good luck!

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  8. oh my gosh. I could have written this whole post for myself, I relate to it SO much. Unfortunately I don't have much advice because i'm struggling with being "consumed" as well but just letting you know you're not alone because I know EXACTLY how you feel.

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