I'm going to warn you girls...this post MIGHT be a little on the negative (and triggering) side. I never know how it's going to turn out when I start typing, so I figured a forewarning would be for the best.
I've been trying to figure out how I've been feeling recently, and I guess the only way to describe it is:
Consumed and defeated
Okay okay, I know that's no way to look at things...but let me explain a little bit to you.
Last Monday I went to the doctors for my normal weekly weight-in. I knew I didn't have a very good week, but I didn't realize HOW bad of a week I had truly had. When the doctor came in she told me that I wasn't far from where I was when I was admitted to CEDC.
Fast forward two days.
I'm at ANOTHER doctors appointment to get my annual EKG done of my heart (just a precaution....things run in my family). Well, the tech weighed me and I asked her if I could have a blind weigh-in. She agreed and said that she would tell the doctor not to tell me what I weighed. Now...I LISTENED to her tell the doctor not to say anything...but I knew from past experience that she was going to blurt it out once she entered the exam room.
And she did.
The number scared me. I was considerably lower than I believed I had been, and that's WITH a full bladder and all my clothes. In addition to this, I know the number that my doctors want me at before I go to school, and I know that there is no way (physically...because of my past history of slow weight gain) that I will reach it.
HOWEVER. (you girls know me...there's ALWAYS a HOWEVER)
My nutritionist and I came up with a "game plan" and so far I think I'm doing pretty well. It worries me though, because I told her what I had been eating and she added to that...but I don't even know if THAT'S enough at this point. So even if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be, I may still be going in the opposite direction.
So defeated? Maybe not DEFEATED. Just a little disappointed in myself, and "stuck" at the moment.
But as for consumed...
This has been my biggest struggle recently, even more so than actual food intake. All I think about is food, all I read about is food, and all I WANT to talk about is food. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to go to a party and not be able to think about anything else, it's frustrating to finish a meal and still want to eat just for the hell of it but instead just think about the next time I'm going to eat and what I'm going to eat and how I'm going to eat it.
I am tired of living to eat. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and thinking about my meals for the day. I'm tired of having my mood determined by how much I ate, or WHAT I ate, and I'm tired of associating being home with eating. I'm tired of not being able to focus on anything besides my meals or snacks or body or what everyone else is eating or EVERYTHING that has to do with food. I'm just TIRED of it!
I've been trying to use distractions, but while I'm doing those distractions I end up thinking about food. I try stopping myself from thinking about it, but part of me LIKES to. I just want to go to a family party and enjoy myself because of what we're doing, or seeing my family. I feel like I'm letting my life pass me by...and I'm perfectly aware that it's happening.
I need advice. Please?!