Saturday, August 22, 2009

Another journal entry...

This is mainly for my benefit, however hopefully it will have a positive effect on most of you. There will be a pretty packed post coming along eventually...I just need to find the time (read: motivation) to complete it =]

6/5/2009--Week 4 @ CEDC

Recovering from an Eating Disorder is quite an interesting thing. Here I am, spending 4 weeks of my life trying to relearn something that was originally innate. We come into this world, each and every one of us, subconsciously knowing that we need food. Yet here I am relearning how to do something that keeps us alive. But I guess it's more than that. I've always believed that life is all about the details--the fine print. So yes; I am here to learn how to eat properly and healthily again, but I am also learning so much more. I'm learning about balance in all aspects. I'm learning about myself- my body, and my mind- my likes and my dislikes. Having an Eating Disorder took away most of my opinions about things. There were only two types of foods: the acceptable foods, and the unacceptable foods. I was to like all acceptable foods and dislike all unacceptable foods. But now...now I'm learning that there are foods that I actually genuinely dislike--and vice versa. It sounds so silly, but the idea of this excites me. In addition to food, I'm learning so many other things that I enjoy doing--writing and journaling being one of them. These have become such outlets for me. Anger, sadness, frustration, and even confusion all seem to be swept away the moment my pen touches the paper.
I feel like a child at times, and an adult at other times. Here I am spending my days learning about structure and balance, and spending my free time coloring, making bracelets, writing, collaging- all things that I associate with children. But I like it, which is all that matters. On the other hand I am slowly feeling more powerful and more in control of my life. I am learning about my strengths, my weaknesses ,my necessities, and my abilities. I am making peace with my family, slowly, and choosing to make the best out of what I have. I am learning that it's okay to put myself first, and say no to someone. I'm learning that assertiveness does not need to be agressive. Nor passive. Assertiveness can be a mixture of both- found in the middle. Speaking of finding something, I've recently found my laughter. No longer do I laugh because I think I should. Now I laugh because I am happy and simply because I CAN! I laugh until I'm out of breath and my stomach hurts. I laugh out of desire- simply and genuinely.
I also found my confidence. Where it's been all my life is beyond me, but I do know that it's slowly arising each and every day. I find myself walking with my head held higher and no more assumptions (or cares for that matter) that people are judging me or looking down at me. If they are- so be it. It's their choice to judge, not mine, and I have no control over them- only over myself.
Recovery isn't easy, it it isn't fun. But it IS life changing, and 100% worth the battle.

4 comments:

  1. looking forward to your post!
    been missing your happy posts!
    so deep, loved this one
    x

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  2. I really enjoy reading your posts; they are insightful and honest, and I know many readers out there can relate. Thank you.

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  3. thank you for posting this; it really made me feel positive. i hope you feel motivated by this entry as well! keep fighting my love.

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  4. Your posts are so positive! it's great to see that even in treatment you were able to stay that positive.
    I totally relate to feeling like a child here. I do a lot of those activities you described that you did and there is something truly amazing and therapeutic about being able to let yourself go and take part in such things we feel belong to children.
    What you said about laughter wonderful to read. I wish I could say I've gotten to a place where i can laugh because I am happy and because I can. But knowing that you have gotten there is something awesome to think about and I am so happy you are at that place and are able to laugh!

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