I'm about halfway through with Goodbye Ed, Hello Me...and I have to say, there have been a few things in there that have made me question myself, and truly think about whether or not I have been wanting to recover.
The conclusion I have made- I have wanted to, but have not been willing to. I would tell everyone that I was trying, preach stories about wanting a better life, not caring what my body looks like, and that I CAN and WOULD recover. But the problem with this is that I wasn't willing to do what it takes. I wasn't willing to make the effort. I would sit around saying I was trying to gain weight...but I wasn't taking the initiative to consistently eat more. I would sit around and say that I want to be more social, more spontaneous- but when opportunities arose I would make excuses, and put them off for another time. Well...that time is NOW because I am tired of this. I can't live with this shit forever, and I WON'T! I need to make changes...LIFE changes, not "today's change" or "this meals change". I want my old self back , and if that means sitting through some pretty fucking uncomfortable moments then bring. it. on.
Things I am going to do: -decrease my diet soda intake -decrease/eventually stop weighing myself -stop counting calories!!! -listen to my body...TRUST my body -stop rituals around food- eat like a normal person -include at least one "unsafe" food into my diet each day...EVERY day. -be consistent with all of these.
What I have been doing is telling people that I ate unsafe foods...but I would still count calories so I knew nothing would happen. Or I would stop weighing myself, but decrease my calories so I KNEW I didn't gain weight. Do you see a pattern? I supplement one behavior to make sure a "lost" one doesn't have an effect. Fucking useless...that's what it is!
So starting right now...I'm stopping all of those. I want to learn to trust my body and eat intuitively. I want to be healthy, and happy, and live a life free of doctors appointments, worried phone calls from my mom, and free of an eating disorder.
I want to be happy. And I am finally willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.
Hello Hello!! I'm amazed by how much feedback I received on the Cheerio ad! A part of me was worried that I was "looking too deep into it" or "over-reacting", but hearing your responses confirmed that the ad was, in fact, an absolutely terrible way to market a product....especially a company that is THOUGHT to promote healthy living. You can be sure that both my mother and I sent complaint emails to the company. I felt it was needed.
Anyways...judging by the title you could have probably guessed that I spent my weekend at home in little 'ol Rhode Island. I'm not going to lie, I absolutely LOVE visiting home...especially during this time of year. There are just so many things to do, and see, and coffee to drink, and family to visit, and gosh...the list goes on. This weekend, however, included INSANE amounts of shopping! You'll be seeing new clothes as time ticks away....but until then, I also colored my hair:
My hair isn't actually as dark as the picture makes it seem...but, I'm thinking that darker might be better next time around!
Here are also some pictures I took around my casa...please excuse my attempts to be somewhat artistic. IE the weird angles. (Oh, and blogger makes my pictures grainy! No fair...)
Can you tell I absolutely love that tree? It just blows my mind with how colorful it becomes in the fall!
As for everything else this weekend...I wish I had more thumbs to raise up, because it was incredible. I ate better than I have since CEDC days, I went to my favorite country store with my dad, to a consignment shop with my mom, shopping with my sister, and basically just enjoyed myself! I made candy apples, drank coffee from 5 different coffee houses (none of which were 'the bucks'), and actually relaxed. Anxiety was controlled, ED was hushed, and LAURA was here.
Hello Hello!! Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately...in fact, I may or may not have had a dream last night with a few of you in it! No worries, it was PG =P
Anyways! Saturday John and I made a trip up to Whole Foods just for the hell of it. I FINALLY found two things I have been searching high and low for- Mmmm!! John and I split this as soon as we stepped foot out of the store. Initially I couldn't really taste the difference between this and the PBCookie flavor, but a few seconds later the cherry flavor hit and everyone who said this tastes just like a PB&J is right. Good stuff!
StoneyFields Seasonal Pumpkin Pie flavored yogurt!!! I added some Kashi honey sunshine to add a mock "crust" and mmmm did it deliver! Fun fact though- I actually DON'T like pumpkin pie!! I just like pumpkin pie flavored things!
Speaking of pumpkin flavored things-my pumpkin spice coffee consumption is starting to become a problem...
But, if it helps at all...I got it at a cafe called Jitters....which I think is cute.
Sorry about the terrible phone pictures...my camera is simply too large to lug around campus with me...verizon to the rescue!!
Oh, and how great is this!? My school is celebrating "fat talk free week". I haven't had time to stop at any of the tables set up yet, but I will as soon as I can!
Sorry my posts have been all over the place lately. It basically mirrors how I've been feeling. While I think of what to type next, take a look at some of these pictures I took around campus-
I just adore this season. One thing that I'm not so fond of however, is how my mood has been lately. Eating-wise I've been eating enough, but not enough of what I SHOULD be. Once again I'm stuck in a rut, and I can tell that my body is not liking it. The scale says I'm doing well, so my doctor thinks I am- but I am a firm believer that the scale can not measure your recovery. I'm tired and cranky and finding myself having OCD tendencies. Luckily, I'm aware of this so I can take action before things get out of control.
Otherwise everything is going well. Bonus points and extra credit keep popping up in my classes, and I met with my advisor for next semester and I am SO excited! I am going to have classes Mon-Thur and then all day friday I will be doing field work for a park or refuge, and will get 3 credits for doing so. Sounds like a good way to spend a day to me!! =)
I think this is the most I've updated in a LONG time! I realized that I truly love to blog, but don't like to focus a lot of attention on food/my eating disorder. I know I really shouldn't have to ask this, but does that bother anyone? I'll definitely be touching upon those things seeing as they both play a role in my life (eating disorder RECOVERY that is!!), but for now I'm just going to blog about my life.
First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for the recommendations about what to do with John. One thing that I didn't mention was that I'm not actually friends with my suitemate...just acquaintances. In fact...I don't agree with a lot of things she does, so all we really do is share a bathroom. I really don't want to hurt her though...
With that being said, she still doesn't have much of an idea...and I don't know how to bring it up! I will eventually though, because as of last night I am (as my best friend says) Laura plus one.
He took me to Starbucks and then back to his dorm yesterday, and at some point switched the cup he was holding and asked if I wanted a sip. I took the cup from him and THIS is what I found:
Cute huh? He officially asked me if I would be his girlfriend, and as corny as it was- how could I say no to someone who knows me well enough to ask me out with a Starbucks cup? =P
He also got me an ENTIRE bouquet of pink roses...which can sort of be seen in the background. The single rose, and one which wouldn't fit in the vase are sitting on my desk =]
Don't worry though...he knows about the blog, and knows I talk about him. Actually, today he asked me what the "blog people" think about the situation. I told him that I hadn't officially informed everyone yet...but I was going to!
It's nice though...I wake up in the morning and don't immediately think about food. In fact, I think about him more than I think about eating/body image/the gym now. It's incredible yet terrifying. I am always afraid of opening up to someone because I'm scared of getting hurt. I guess it's too late now though...I just need to relax and enjoy having someone who cares so much about me and who I have such an amazing time with!!
Oh, by the way...it SNOWED it Connecticut yesterday & today!! Crazy stuff huh?!
As for tonight...I'm a driver for a program here at UConn called Guard Dogs. Basically, it's a "no questions asked" safe ride home put on by the school, so I'll be out and about until about 3am. Needless to say, the kid I'm riding with better be up for lots and lots of coffee =]
Don't you just love the smell of fall? It definitely has an endorphin effect on me...pair that with pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING, and you have yourself a very happy Laura!
Here are some pictures from my weekend (if you haven't already seen them on facebook!)
Cousins + pumpkin spice coffee.
Awww my parents!
Look at my mom- sporting the UConn sweatshirt. =]
Remember John? Well he came to visit again this past weekend. He took me to waterfire in Providence. It was amazing...and he bought me this- =]
I love taking pictures of my cousins...
Overall, this weekend was a BLAST! I spent time with both sides of my family, and SOO much time outdoors enjoying the weather, drinking coffee, and simply living my life! I love this time of year...I just wish the feeling stuck around forever!!
By the way, have any of you tried this?
Oh, AND...I might have posted this before, but this song truly reminds me of the fall-
Hey everyone, my name's Laura. I'm a Sophomore at the University of Connecticut and am currently trying to learn how to balance school, friends, food, and everything else that life has to offer! I'm extremely friendly, so don't be afraid to say hello!