Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I am flawed if I'm not free

Rilo Kiley basically sings about my life.
This is going to be a pretty loaded post...most for my sake, so don't feel obligated to read it...and better yet, don't expect any of it to make sense!

First and foremost, a slight peak into what's been going into my belly lately:

Thumbs up.

Thumbs up.

Thumbs UPPPP!!!

Thumbs down. The flavor was right on, but the seeds were gritty and reminded me of sand. I like sand...just not in my mouth.

I'm undecided about these. I had the caramel one but I didn't taste any caramel. I like caramel.

I've been eating very Mediterranean lately, and I must say...I don't hate it! Lots of nuts, yogurt, olives, hummus, pita, olive oil, whole grains, soy milk, and the occasional cheese. And coffee...which is basically a food group of it's own...

Speaking of which, I made peace with the latte this past week. Thanks for Carly, I overcame my fear of Pumpkin Spice Latte's at starbucks, and I am SO glad that I did!! I felt like I overcame such a huge obstacle...and it was simply a seasonal coffee beverage. Perhaps this is a sign of things to come? The daily newspaper seemed to think so the following day:

The latte gods are trying to communicate with me via school newspaper.

OH and look, my wall is growing:

Half the fun of taking these pictures is the weird faces I get from my roommate. I'm lucky she loves me.

Now...Story time.
Let's begin on Friday night. See this boy?

Apparently I proposed to him. Then divorced him because he wouldn't accept my ring made of thread. His loss.

Friday involved alcohol. Too much for me to handle. I spend most of the night laying on the floor in the lap of this guy:

He took care of me, and I swore to never get like that again.
Saturday, after waking up and settling my stomach with some pumpkin spice coffee, I started to talking to him and he brought up the topic of favorite foods. For some reason, perhaps the lack of sleep, this struck the wrong chord with me and I broke down. Full blown tears, feeling hopeless and depressed- it was totally not me! But that's what happens when I am overtired- I get depressed. I told him how I feel like I'm wasting my life right now, focusing on such unimportant things and being unable to enjoy the things I used to love. I told him my favorite foods are the foods I don't allow myself to eat (besides PB of course!!). It really bothered me, and I spent a good hour or so in tears- a complete wreck. Carly came to my rescue, but I decided that it would be best for me to head home....and that's exactly what I did.

That boy came up to my home though. We got coffee and went to see the movie Surrogates. It's absolutely amazing how easily I can talk to him, and be honest with him. Amazing and scary at the same time, because I NEVER open myself up this quickly to guys...bad past experiences have left me with trust issues that I just can't seem to shake.

Then last night I stayed up until 3 in the morning talking to him about what we want out of life. It was deep, philosophical, and I haven't felt that way since before my Eating Disorder arose. I felt genuinely happy, and unconquerable. I know he likes me, and obviously I feel the same.
So what's the problem?
He's my suitemates ex boyfriend of 4 years.
I believe if there were ever a good "FML" moment, this would be it.

I don't know what to do...

p.s. Giveaway!


  1. I can't advice you in this, but I'm always there for you...I'm sorry about this strange situation you're in. But at least it's great to have someone to talk to and if that helps you: perfect! How does your suitemate feel about this?

    Way to go for having that pumpkin latte at SB, I'm so proud! There's no better way for dealing with 'fear foods' than having them, more than once, so have another one and enjoy it girl!

    I love Mediterranean foods as well. Best of luck with everything and stay strong:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  2. this is a very sticky situation. But think of how you feel with him. I think you deserve to be happy and if he makes you happy, why not? For the first time, you can open up and talk to this guy. For the first time you are feeling emotions and having a crush is always nice. I would talk to the suitemate, but otherwise, its your life. She had her chance (although I dont know the deets, and how long ago they broke up) Just follow your heart and do what makes u happy....ur happiness should reign above everyone else's.

    xoxo as always,

  3. Sticky situation! But you know what, Laura - think about what makes you happy, what you want, what you DESERVE. So what if he's dated one of your friends? Talk to her about it, don't sugar coat anything, tell her how you feel, that he makes you happy, hell, tell him too! Go after what you want, don't worry about what others want for you. This is your life, make it happen.

    I'm so excited to try Pineapple Chobs, it's chillin' in my fridge currently, haha.

    Love ya!

  4. Well it's too good to be passed up because of a friend dated him...for four years. I mean, if you guys hadn't become roomies, then chances are you would have met him anyway and dated him! I mean, talk to her, tell her all the great things you feel for this guy, she should say you can.
    He's not her property - in fact - I hope he is soon yours (heheh)
    ahh pineapple? yum yum yum! jealous!
    Love the wall!

  5. That's a tough situation! But if your roommate loves you, I think it's fine! Talk to her about it :) You sound like you really trust him--that's fantastic, since he sounds like a nice boy :)

    <3 jess

  6. definitely a bit of a predicament. at least you've found someone you want to be with, which is usually the hardest part of the battle. hope it works out! I'm transferring to UConn next semester so hopefully I'll see ya around :)

  7. That is rather problematic, isn't it? However, if you really feel this way, just talk to your suitemate about it. I hope everything works out - finding someone you can trust, feel comfortable around, and who feels the same about you is a special thing. :)


  8. hang in there. everyone needs a good cry once in a while. and it sounds like you came across a good realization! congrats!!

  9. I have yet to try the pumpkin spice latte...i think i may give it a whirl! =]
    Thats a really difficult situation. I think honesty is key though...if you like him and he feels the same way talk to your sweet mate. If this is somebody you really trust and could be really happy with and that brings out the best in you then its worth a shot. Be honest with him and be honest with your sweet mate and I bet things will work out =] Love ya girl, hope things work out for you!! And you deserve the very best! <3 <3

  10. Ouch. But GO FOR IT, Laura! If he makes you happy--and you DID say ex--there's no reason why you can't be with him. :)

    And the latte. The divine powers that be are sending you a thumbs up :D

  11. Oooooh boy, that is tough. I feel for you, I really do. I'd say just go with your gut feeling, which I know is a totally lame thing to say but it's true! Or maybe try talking to your friend- is she accessible in that respect? Regardless, good luck girl!

  12. wow that wall looks SO cool!! I love the collage!
    mm pineapple chobani has to be the best flavor around.

    sorry to hear about the breakdown with the boy :\ stay strong girlie!

  13. chobs and pumkin spice are da-bomb!
    as for the boy sit, i have been in your shoes before (some minor differences) but i went for it and made a lot of people mad. I was happy, but a lot of drama was involved. I did not go to the other girl at the begining and voice my thoughts.
    I would definetly not pass up this opportunity though. you are soo happy and yourself around him and that is rare! But first you must talk to the ex-gf! tell her how you feel when you are with him and let her know you did not mean to fall for her ex-bf. i mean if she is a bia about it then that is her problem, b/c you did what you could by being upfront. You never know, she may be super cool about it! i am glad you are happy!

  14. Hey, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's already been 4 years, and it's not like they've been married, and just because they used to go out once does not mean he's off limits! Why not talk to your suitemate and let her know first? It's worse if it comes off as a surprise...

  15. p.s Girl I forgot to mention to you...next time you go for a soy misto, get a pump of SF vanilla syrup. LIFE CHANGIN :)


  16. Thanks for the giveaway shout out! I didn't like the pomegranate chobani either.

    I'm sorry you're having boy trouble. I can understand how that siutation would be hard. I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and if we broke up and a good friend started dating him, I don't think I'd ever speak to either of them again. But that's me. Your friend might be totally cool with it. I'm not going to say to talk to her about it just yet because even mentioning it might bother her. I guess it really depends who you care about more. I mean, they ARE broken up, but they were together for a LONG time.

    eh, I say go with your gut instinct.