I'm about halfway through with Goodbye Ed, Hello Me...and I have to say, there have been a few things in there that have made me question myself, and truly think about whether or not I have been wanting to recover.
The conclusion I have made- I have wanted to, but have not been willing to. I would tell everyone that I was trying, preach stories about wanting a better life, not caring what my body looks like, and that I CAN and WOULD recover. But the problem with this is that I wasn't willing to do what it takes. I wasn't willing to make the effort. I would sit around saying I was trying to gain weight...but I wasn't taking the initiative to consistently eat more. I would sit around and say that I want to be more social, more spontaneous- but when opportunities arose I would make excuses, and put them off for another time. Well...that time is NOW because I am tired of this. I can't live with this shit forever, and I WON'T! I need to make changes...LIFE changes, not "today's change" or "this meals change". I want my old self back , and if that means sitting through some pretty fucking uncomfortable moments then bring. it. on.
Things I am going to do: -decrease my diet soda intake -decrease/eventually stop weighing myself -stop counting calories!!! -listen to my body...TRUST my body -stop rituals around food- eat like a normal person -include at least one "unsafe" food into my diet each day...EVERY day. -be consistent with all of these.
What I have been doing is telling people that I ate unsafe foods...but I would still count calories so I knew nothing would happen. Or I would stop weighing myself, but decrease my calories so I KNEW I didn't gain weight. Do you see a pattern? I supplement one behavior to make sure a "lost" one doesn't have an effect. Fucking useless...that's what it is!
So starting right now...I'm stopping all of those. I want to learn to trust my body and eat intuitively. I want to be healthy, and happy, and live a life free of doctors appointments, worried phone calls from my mom, and free of an eating disorder.
I want to be happy. And I am finally willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.
Hey everyone, my name's Laura. I'm a Sophomore at the University of Connecticut and am currently trying to learn how to balance school, friends, food, and everything else that life has to offer! I'm extremely friendly, so don't be afraid to say hello!