Thursday, October 29, 2009

I've been lying to myself.

I'm about halfway through with Goodbye Ed, Hello Me...and I have to say, there have been a few things in there that have made me question myself, and truly think about whether or not I have been wanting to recover.

The conclusion I have made- I have wanted to, but have not been willing to. I would tell everyone that I was trying, preach stories about wanting a better life, not caring what my body looks like, and that I CAN and WOULD recover. But the problem with this is that I wasn't willing to do what it takes. I wasn't willing to make the effort. I would sit around saying I was trying to gain weight...but I wasn't taking the initiative to consistently eat more. I would sit around and say that I want to be more social, more spontaneous- but when opportunities arose I would make excuses, and put them off for another time. Well...that time is NOW because I am tired of this. I can't live with this shit forever, and I WON'T! I need to make changes...LIFE changes, not "today's change" or "this meals change". I want my old self back , and if that means sitting through some pretty fucking uncomfortable moments then bring. it. on.

Things I am going to do:
-decrease my diet soda intake
-decrease/eventually stop weighing myself
-stop counting calories!!!
-listen to my body...TRUST my body
-stop rituals around food- eat like a normal person
-include at least one "unsafe" food into my diet each day...EVERY day.
-be consistent with all of these.

What I have been doing is telling people that I ate unsafe foods...but I would still count calories so I knew nothing would happen. Or I would stop weighing myself, but decrease my calories so I KNEW I didn't gain weight. Do you see a pattern? I supplement one behavior to make sure a "lost" one doesn't have an effect. Fucking useless...that's what it is!

So starting right now...I'm stopping all of those. I want to learn to trust my body and eat intuitively. I want to be healthy, and happy, and live a life free of doctors appointments, worried phone calls from my mom, and free of an eating disorder.

I want to be happy. And I am finally willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.


  1. I give you SO MUCH CREDIT for your strength Laura. You are taking amazing steps.

    At the same time, dont beat yourself up for the past. It takes us all different times to recover, to truly decide to take initiative. So you were taking the steps, but 'cheating' a little along the what. Sometimes thats what it takes to get us to realize that we want a REAL life.

    Go out and shine girl. You're fabulous.

  2. Amen sister! Way to take the initiative and set some reasonable goals for yourself. Good luck and let us know if you need any more encouragement.

  3. OmG i was so happy to read this! :D you can do it Laura!
    lovely picture, you guys look so cute together :)
    hugs ^^
    by the way i saw Surrogates today hehe :P

  4. I'm glad you're so motivated! I remember telling myself I was trying to gain for so long but would always make excuses for my actions. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge, no matter how scary that may be! I found the biggest holds on true progress were calorie counting and weighing myself so I'm so glad to see that those are both on your list :)

    adorbale picture of you and the boy btw!

  5. I really hope this works for you, and I think you can do it! I've been trying to eat one unsafe food every day and it works. Every day it gets easier, and then eventually you can allow yourself to have a slice of pizza and a cookie at the same party and know that it's okay even if it's more calories than you planned. I still eat healthfully 99% of the time so I know that I can do it without needing to feel guilty. I really do wish you the best.

  6. i love the honesty in this post. I know you can do anything girlie! you are strong, motivated, and willing to change--I know you can handle whatever life brings on.

    p.s. pumpkin spice in a cappacino from starbizzle is uh-mazin ;)

  7. i'm so happy to hear/read this!!! i know i go through stages of that and when you're finally able to break through will be beyond happiness at how freeing it feels!!!

    and i think the goals sound awesome! i can't wait to see you achieve them!

  8. Good for you girl! with your strength, and with a little help from friends and loved ones im sure you will make out fabulously, as im sure you know you have so much going for you and SOO much more to you then an ED.
    Good for you for calling yourself out, and finding the desire within yourself for recovery! Love the list and will be thinking about you as you move forward. Don't hesisitate to email me if you need, and do not expect to be perfect but do move on when you fell you have sliped, adn rejoyce and give yourself deserved credit when you do things well, and that goes for anything even aside from ed! love ya girl! =]

  9. I really hope you achieve those goals.
    It's good that you were honest because if you continue trying to stay positive about everything, it'll all get on top of you and you'll snap.

    honesty is the best policy... :)

  10. Laura!
    i just found your blog! ths is such a wonderful post and it made me really happy to read all the goal you have set yourself for the future. i am sending you all my strength that you can overcome the obstacles and live the way you want to
    take care

  11. -stop rituals around food- eat like a normal person
    is my main goal at the moment, all this i have to eat X amount now and X amount at this time is still stuck in my head from refeeding i want to be able to trust my body to feed me enough.

    you are a beautiful strong girl you can do it

  12. You can...and you WILL. Laura, you're my HERO:)

    Those are huge challenges, but I have faith in you that you will overcome them--and kick some major ED ass! (Hear you ROAR!)


  13. I had been lying to myself to and it took me some time to realise it and to DO something about it. It's great, believe me. Doing it is great (and scary and difficult sometimes, but great) and so much worth it! Please know I'm always there for you, you can do this girl, I'm proud!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  14. This is amazing - you are so inspirational! Your motivation to kick ED on the curb is wonderful - I know you are going to be able to accomplish your goals!


  15. I've just started reading your blog, and I think you are so inspirational and strong.

    You can fight ED, I know you can.


  16. i love what you plan on doing! you can do it!

  17. wow... we have a lot in common! I am literally going through exactly what you are going through... seriously, we should talk!! haha

    I know you can get through this! it is really hard but baby steps is all it takes... it is all worth it & will make life so much happier! thats what i keep telling myself.. this post really inspired me :)

    hope you'll check out my blog


    ps- imadding you to my blogroll asap!!

  18. We share a lot of the same goals. Wow, almost exactly the same actually. I have been working at them for about two weeks now and although it's a daily challenge, it's made me so much stronger already, and I know you can face them too.

  19. Thanks for reading my new book! Proud of you for your hard work in recovery :)

  20. this book looks awesome

    all my luck and love to you , girl!

    i have really decreased my diet soda intake.. its a bit of work.. but you will get there. I only do diet soda now if Im going out "partying"... ha.

  21. Recovery has to start somewhere. :) I'm so proud of all the bloggie girls who are taking the first steps. And you know, there are natural diet soda alternatives like Zevia or plain seltzer. ^^

  22. My dear Laura! My heart is BURSTING with pride and joy as I read this. I just wanna reach out and pull you into a tight hug, bcause girl, you are freaking WISE and brave to realize and admit it out loud...I wish every ED-recoverer could read this, and join you in your list of goals. I love that it's so detailed and specific, instead of generic goals like "gain some weight" or "eat more"...REcovery is really more than weight gain, and I'm so glad you've realized that, and have decided to stop the bullshit and just jump right to business. You are AMAZING!

  23. You go girl!! I'm so proud of you for coming to this realization. You can do it!! :)

    Cute pic of you and the boy!
    <3 jess

  24. aww girlie I am so glad to hear this :) You are going to do a great job and I promise your body will do you no wrong!!

  25. i really want to read that book, do you like it so far?

  26. WOOOOOO! :D You go girl! I know you can do this!

  27. I love that book. i had the same feeling while reading it!!