Hey girls! A lot has been going on in the past few days…in regards to family, school, recovery, friends- just about everything! My therapy sessions here at school are beginning to get more constructive, but at the same time my mother and I seem to be fighting more and more. Something I’ve realized recently is that having her be so involved in my recovery has actually caused me to rely on her for approval or simply a “pat-on-the-back.” This is absolutely NOT healthy, so I’m practicing being assertive and making sure that recovery is for me and only me.
Also, I’m sitting at Starbucks now after a “coffee-date” with a girl that contacted me last year after my article was published in the paper. We have kept in contact (distant contact) since then, but we finally decided to sit down and have a good chat…and I’m SO glad that we did! She has helped me so much in the two hours we were together, and made me realize that there are things that I can do at this point to change how I am doing without having to admit myself to a treatment facility (which for me PERSONALLY is not what I feel I need). For one, I need to ditch the scale. I don’t weigh myself TOO often but I need to make sure it DOESN’T happen. Recovery isn’t about the number. Also, for the past 4 years I have gone to the doctor on a weekly (on average) basis where I find out if my weight went up, went down, or stayed the same. 4 YEARS of knowing this. So I came up with an idea…and I need all of your opinion on this before I propose this to my doctor. Would it be possible to continue my weekly appointments, but only get weighed once a month- otherwise I will simply get my vitals taken? I will still be medically safe, since it’s my heart rate and blood pressure that is most affected by my weight, but otherwise I won’t be so obsessed and preoccupied with what happens to my weight- instead health will be on the top of my mind. I am just so sick of this routine, and I NEED a change…some kind of change.
Also, I NEED to stop feeling guilty about this. Not guilty in the food-sense, but guilty in the family-sense. Every day I feel bad about what I put my family through…but getting caught up in another form of guilt will not help me. Instead, I need to accept that this is where I am, and what I’m dealing with right now. Things will change, and with it my family’s worries will decline. I need to focus on myself, as much as I don’t want to.
On ANOTHER topic however…look at all this free swag I’ve gotten recently!!!
So far I’ve only tried the amaretto coffee (heaven.in.a.cup) as well as the Dr. Kracker 3-seed flat bread. The nutritionals on these babies are impeccable!
I expected this flatbread to be…well…flat and thin. Flat it was, but thin? No way! Sure, flat creates a thinnER size, however these babies were DENSE! I am in love. Spread it with a little bit of hummus, and girls- THAT is what I call a snack =]
Another topic I was hoping to touch upon if I had the time was a topic that's been floating around Blog World recently, and that is the question as to whether or not Blogs have helped or hurt you in recovery. Now, I'm not going to get too detailed (mainly because of lack of time), however I just wanted to mention one thing. A lot of girls brought up the idea that reading food blogs helps them figure out what's normal to eat. However, I wanted to point out that people who blog about food aren't necessarily NORMAL eaters. A lot of them are healthy eaters, but they aren't actually normal eaters. Many of them are educated in nutrition, have suffered from disordered eating, or are trying to maintain lost weight. I just wanted to tell guys that it's perfectly fine to read food blogs (hell, I do!), but just be aware that normal eating is almost always best observed around you- by your family and friends, and healthy and structured eating can be found on here.
As for my eating...I've still been trying to tackle that daily fear food goal of mine, and although this doesn't happen every day, it's been happening more often than ever! Pasta? Full-fat salad dressing? Welcome to my life.
To end this post, here are a few things I've been slightly obsessed with:
Books take me out of my head, and put me into someone elses...
Puzzles keep my hands AND my mind busy...
And this....well, Chocolate+Peanut Butter+Inspirational Quotes= YES PLEASE!
SOOOO much to talk about, so little time!! I'm going to get most of the typing out of the way, and then let the pictures do the talking (sort of). First and foremost, please listen to this song. It's country-ish...and I know a lot of people have a deep hatred for anything country, but trust me on this one- it's worth the listen. http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=9DC4555772AFA0AB&search_query=david+nail+red+light
Next (I'm going to try and get the extremely random things out of the way first) I wanted to share with you my first experience with a Think Thin bar. Now, I've always avoided these because I definitely didn't agree with their marketing tactic (AKA the thin part of the name) but today I figured I would give it a shot. I liked the idea of having two "bites" in a package, and you really can't go wrong with chocolate and toffee. ENTER: Chocolate Toffee Nut Think Thin BITES! I had a preconceived notion (is that the right term?) that this was going to be extremely chewy, since toffee usually is...in my mind at least. But these little bites were soft and crumbly, and SO much better than I would have expected. The ingedient list is...interesting, but the taste made up for it. I highly recommend.
Also, two things I am LOVING recently-
Scrabble and Starbucks Holiday cups. Just sayin'.
Yesterday morning, I believe, I read a post by Lexi about things that she wants to do in the near future. So as I was sitting in my Chemistry class paying no attention whatsoever, I decided to start a short list myself. This is what I came up with:
Things I want to do...hell, things I WILL do:
-taste coffee from all different coffee shops -read...a lot...books, newspapers, journals, textbooks.... -laugh until my stomach hurts -spend and entire day outdoors -volunteer, donate, offer advice, TAKE advice -tell those I love that I love them -go for a drive with no destination -love myself
It's a pretty short list, but it's quality of quantity. As I was re-reading it in class, I realized that one thing I truly missed about being healthy was my ability to laugh until my stomach hurts. I know I talk about this a lot...but laughing is such an enjoyable thing to be able to do, and to genuinely laugh until there are pains in your stomach and you can't breathe- THAT to me is happiness. I thought to myself "there is no way that's going to be happening any time in the NEAR future" but I was wrong. Absolutely, 100% wrong...because would you imagine that 12 hours after I wrote that I was keeled over in pain- from LAUGHING?!?
Guess who was responsible for this stomach cramping? My girl Carly.
Isn't she a hottie?
But no, really...I wish I could explain to all of you (and her!) how much I fucking love her. I could probably write a book about this girl, and be laughing the entire time. She is an inspiration, a best friend, and someone I don't know WHAT I did without. If I had more time...I would just keep on typing about her, but Carly- just know how thankful I am that you're in my life.
Speaking of yesterday, the reason I saw her is because THIS lovely lady turned 18!!
And what ELSE would you do on your 18th birthday but get a tattoo...
and blow out some candles...
and get into a food fight?!
I'll admit, having a get-together with all girls who went to an Eating Disorder center seemed like a not-so-good idea at first, but it actually worked out and I met some really awesome girls!!
And look, the cake was actually a bunch of cupcakes! Genius!!!
Once I bid farewell to the loves of my life, I came back to the U of Conn and called up my boy John. We decided to go exploring (because what ELSE is there to do in Storrs?) and my camera came with me:
Okay okay, I know you're probably getting sick of seeing him on my blog...but I have such a good time with him, so I'm not going to stop.
I'm also practicing being assertive. It's a working progress.
Dinner time though!! I hope everyone had a great Saturday and continues having a great weekend!!!
So there are definitely exams I could be studying for, papers I could be writing, and books I could be reading...however I was feeling a little down so I decided that updating the blog would be a good idea, since it usually puts me in a good mood (that, and all the amazing comments I receive from you guys!!!)
This past weekend has probably been one of the best weekends since I got to UConn...maybe even since last year! It was Halloween weekend, as you all know, but the last thing I wanted to do was have a repeat of last year (lame party, cold weather, slight panic attack) so I was determined to enjoy myself this weekend. It started off on a good foot- my sister and her boyfriend came up and finally met John! The four of us hung out (AKA went to walmart) and it was cute.
Saturday I got to see my girl Libby!!!
Her dogs were a part of a doggy Halloween costume contest. Cute, yes. Corny? Absolutely! But we paraded around and got caught up...so it was nice!
The major event took place on Sunday though. In the past, my Eating Disorder has caused me to become extremely timid and unsocial. Isolating myself seemed more appealing than going out and not being liked by other people. However, John wanted me to meet his family on Sunday. That meant actually traveling to his town, to his house, to meet HIS family- a group of people who I absolutely CARED about what they thought. He's extremely close to them, and I was terrified that they would dislike me.
Well...turns out they actually loved me! And seriously, I felt like a part of the family the moment I walked in. He has 6 cats, 2 skinks, and a snake! I held all of them, chatted with his parents and his sister, and simply enjoyed the company and enjoyed getting to know people who could potentially become a big part in my life. It was a risk...but I took it, and I feel stronger than ever!
That, and the following, are both reasons for my title- Project: Recovery. In my last post I listed things that I was going to try to do...including daily fear foods, no more calorie counting, and being more spontaneous. I think this weekend was risky enough to be considered spontaneous...but how about those fear foods?
Saturday John and I made cupcakes...and not just ANY cupcakes, but PB&J cupcakes. Oh...yes we did! They came out one notch below incredible! (the jelly sank to the bottom =/ ) But let me tell you something girls, after working so hard to make these, nothing felt more rewarding than being able to sit down with him and eat one. Fear food #1- complete.
On Sunday he decided to surprise me by taking me to a coffee shop near his home. I can officially say this was the best coffee house I've been too. My photo's are terrible since they were taken on my phone, but I listened to LAURA and got what I wanted- a MEDIUM soy MOCHA latte. Hell fucking yes. DELISH!!
Worth. Every. Sweet. Creamy. Caffeinated. Sip. Fear food #2- completed!!
Cupcakes and mocha latte's aren't really on the TOP of my fear food list...more like, high avoidance foods. But regardless, I'm not going to make it seem less significant than it is, because it sure felt significant!!!
And, for good measure, here are a few more pictures from this weekend-
So girls, I encourage you to bite the bullet- take the leap- don't hold back. Because every day that you hold back, you are preventing yourself from truly living your life. Eating fear foods, not calorie counting, being spontaneous- this might have left me feeling anxious, but the feelings of happiness FAR outweighed any negative emotion.
Hey everyone, my name's Laura. I'm a Sophomore at the University of Connecticut and am currently trying to learn how to balance school, friends, food, and everything else that life has to offer! I'm extremely friendly, so don't be afraid to say hello!