A lot has been going on in the past few days…in regards to family, school, recovery, friends- just about everything! My therapy sessions here at school are beginning to get more constructive, but at the same time my mother and I seem to be fighting more and more. Something I’ve realized recently is that having her be so involved in my recovery has actually caused me to rely on her for approval or simply a “pat-on-the-back.” This is absolutely NOT healthy, so I’m practicing being assertive and making sure that recovery is for me and only me.
Also, I’m sitting at Starbucks now after a “coffee-date” with a girl that contacted me last year after my article was published in the paper. We have kept in contact (distant contact) since then, but we finally decided to sit down and have a good chat…and I’m SO glad that we did! She has helped me so much in the two hours we were together, and made me realize that there are things that I can do at this point to change how I am doing without having to admit myself to a treatment facility (which for me PERSONALLY is not what I feel I need). For one, I need to ditch the scale. I don’t weigh myself TOO often but I need to make sure it DOESN’T happen. Recovery isn’t about the number. Also, for the past 4 years I have gone to the doctor on a weekly (on average) basis where I find out if my weight went up, went down, or stayed the same. 4 YEARS of knowing this. So I came up with an idea…and I need all of your opinion on this before I propose this to my doctor. Would it be possible to continue my weekly appointments, but only get weighed once a month- otherwise I will simply get my vitals taken? I will still be medically safe, since it’s my heart rate and blood pressure that is most affected by my weight, but otherwise I won’t be so obsessed and preoccupied with what happens to my weight- instead health will be on the top of my mind. I am just so sick of this routine, and I NEED a change…some kind of change.
Also, I NEED to stop feeling guilty about this. Not guilty in the food-sense, but guilty in the family-sense. Every day I feel bad about what I put my family through…but getting caught up in another form of guilt will not help me. Instead, I need to accept that this is where I am, and what I’m dealing with right now. Things will change, and with it my family’s worries will decline. I need to focus on myself, as much as I don’t want to.
On ANOTHER topic however…look at all this free swag I’ve gotten recently!!!
So far I’ve only tried the amaretto coffee (heaven.in.a.cup) as well as the Dr. Kracker 3-seed flat bread. The nutritionals on these babies are impeccable!
I expected this flatbread to be…well…flat and thin. Flat it was, but thin? No way! Sure, flat creates a thinnER size, however these babies were DENSE! I am in love. Spread it with a little bit of hummus, and girls- THAT is what I call a snack =]
Another topic I was hoping to touch upon if I had the time was a topic that's been floating around Blog World recently, and that is the question as to whether or not Blogs have helped or hurt you in recovery. Now, I'm not going to get too detailed (mainly because of lack of time), however I just wanted to mention one thing. A lot of girls brought up the idea that reading food blogs helps them figure out what's normal to eat. However, I wanted to point out that people who blog about food aren't necessarily NORMAL eaters. A lot of them are healthy eaters, but they aren't actually normal eaters. Many of them are educated in nutrition, have suffered from disordered eating, or are trying to maintain lost weight. I just wanted to tell guys that it's perfectly fine to read food blogs (hell, I do!), but just be aware that normal eating is almost always best observed around you- by your family and friends, and healthy and structured eating can be found on here.
As for my eating...I've still been trying to tackle that daily fear food goal of mine, and although this doesn't happen every day, it's been happening more often than ever! Pasta? Full-fat salad dressing? Welcome to my life.
To end this post, here are a few things I've been slightly obsessed with:
Books take me out of my head, and put me into someone elses...
Puzzles keep my hands AND my mind busy...
And this....well, Chocolate+Peanut Butter+Inspirational Quotes= YES PLEASE!
Have a great Thursday girls!
And enter this giveaway!
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