Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hey girls!
A lot has been going on in the past few days…in regards to family, school, recovery, friends- just about everything! My therapy sessions here at school are beginning to get more constructive, but at the same time my mother and I seem to be fighting more and more. Something I’ve realized recently is that having her be so involved in my recovery has actually caused me to rely on her for approval or simply a “pat-on-the-back.” This is absolutely NOT healthy, so I’m practicing being assertive and making sure that recovery is for me and only me.

Also, I’m sitting at Starbucks now after a “coffee-date” with a girl that contacted me last year after my article was published in the paper. We have kept in contact (distant contact) since then, but we finally decided to sit down and have a good chat…and I’m SO glad that we did! She has helped me so much in the two hours we were together, and made me realize that there are things that I can do at this point to change how I am doing without having to admit myself to a treatment facility (which for me PERSONALLY is not what I feel I need). For one, I need to ditch the scale. I don’t weigh myself TOO often but I need to make sure it DOESN’T happen. Recovery isn’t about the number. Also, for the past 4 years I have gone to the doctor on a weekly (on average) basis where I find out if my weight went up, went down, or stayed the same. 4 YEARS of knowing this. So I came up with an idea…and I need all of your opinion on this before I propose this to my doctor. Would it be possible to continue my weekly appointments, but only get weighed once a month- otherwise I will simply get my vitals taken? I will still be medically safe, since it’s my heart rate and blood pressure that is most affected by my weight, but otherwise I won’t be so obsessed and preoccupied with what happens to my weight- instead health will be on the top of my mind. I am just so sick of this routine, and I NEED a change…some kind of change.

Also, I NEED to stop feeling guilty about this. Not guilty in the food-sense, but guilty in the family-sense. Every day I feel bad about what I put my family through…but getting caught up in another form of guilt will not help me. Instead, I need to accept that this is where I am, and what I’m dealing with right now. Things will change, and with it my family’s worries will decline. I need to focus on myself, as much as I don’t want to.

On ANOTHER topic however…look at all this free swag I’ve gotten recently!!!

So far I’ve only tried the amaretto coffee ( as well as the Dr. Kracker 3-seed flat bread. The nutritionals on these babies are impeccable!

I expected this flatbread to be…well…flat and thin. Flat it was, but thin? No way! Sure, flat creates a thinnER size, however these babies were DENSE! I am in love. Spread it with a little bit of hummus, and girls- THAT is what I call a snack =]

Another topic I was hoping to touch upon if I had the time was a topic that's been floating around Blog World recently, and that is the question as to whether or not Blogs have helped or hurt you in recovery. Now, I'm not going to get too detailed (mainly because of lack of time), however I just wanted to mention one thing. A lot of girls brought up the idea that reading food blogs helps them figure out what's normal to eat. However, I wanted to point out that people who blog about food aren't necessarily NORMAL eaters. A lot of them are healthy eaters, but they aren't actually normal eaters. Many of them are educated in nutrition, have suffered from disordered eating, or are trying to maintain lost weight. I just wanted to tell guys that it's perfectly fine to read food blogs (hell, I do!), but just be aware that normal eating is almost always best observed around you- by your family and friends, and healthy and structured eating can be found on here.

As for my eating...I've still been trying to tackle that daily fear food goal of mine, and although this doesn't happen every day, it's been happening more often than ever! Pasta? Full-fat salad dressing? Welcome to my life.

To end this post, here are a few things I've been slightly obsessed with:

Books take me out of my head, and put me into someone elses...

Puzzles keep my hands AND my mind busy...

And this....well, Chocolate+Peanut Butter+Inspirational Quotes= YES PLEASE!

Have a great Thursday girls!

And enter this giveaway!


  1. YES! I just wrote a blog entry (as did Neela-love her!) about how it is much more important to LIVE life than to spend it obsessing about how healthy your meals are. I read lots of health-food blogs, but I also like to spend my time actually living my life as well, which is why I don't post as often anymore. And you are totally right--people who blog about food and post pictures of every meal aren't exactly "normal". Kudos to you for truckin' along in recovery and conquering your fears. I admire you!

  2. Good morning lovely lady!
    I just came across your blog and I'm so glad I did!

    You have such beautiful insight to offer and I think it's wondeful and healing that you can express your thoughts and emotions-- you behold a precious gift.

    I also love reading because it gets me out of my head :)

    Have a terrific day, can't wait for your next post!
    with love,

  3. girl im obsessed with DOVE chocolate! i came across your blog-and thank you so much for being so honest!

  4. Totally agree with you: also about the 'normal' eating part. I think a lot of people forget that the people behind food blogs (not all of them) have a reason to blog what they eat...

    For your weight-issue: would it be an option to do blind weigh-ins? Just stand with your back towards the scale and only forward once in a month or something?

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  5. glad to hear that it is getting more constructive.. and i'm not sure about the weigh tthing but it seems like you are so level headed & i find it really impressive!
    i think it is great that you notice that you souldn't feel guilty for what ou are putting your family through- the fact that u care is normal because you are a good person, but it is so true that it just isn't worth any guilty feeling!
    & i also agree that no food blogger is really a 'normal' eater at all haha but it is a great thing nonetheless

    the food looks great!


  6. laura my love,
    1) is it possible to get your doctors to weigh you blind? That's what I do WHENEVER I go to the doctor for ANY reason -- not just when it was eating-disorder related. I ask them to weigh me backwards and I tell them I don't want to know.
    2) my blog both helped and hurt. I think reading blogs helped, and having my own totally hurt. I lost 5 pounds while I was blogging. Thank you for clarifying that taking pictures of everything that goes into your mouth is COMPLETELY NOT NORMAL. I read it, I love reading it, but it's not normal and shouldn't set a standard.

  7. i agree 100% with your normal eating point. it is best to observe the people around us to grasp what normal eating truly is.

    as far as the weigh-ins, maybe you could start doing blind-weigh?
    whatever is best for YOU is what you should do though.

    ALSO. you're right - stop feeling guilty. your eating disorder is NOT YOUR FAULT. your family should not view it that way or blame you for what happened. eating disorders are chemical. genetic. in the brain whether we want them there or not.

    love you giiiiirl!

  8. I love Dr. Kracker! His pumpkin seed cheddar crackers are ridiculous! They are so good dipped in hummus too. I love that combo :)

    Also, I completely agree with what you wrote about how the food bloggers aren’t necessarily “normal” eaters. They spend a lot of time assembling their meals to make them beautiful for photography and nourishing for their bodies. Almost TOO much time. Healthy eating is good but... a lot of bloggers take it out of hand!
    Normal eating is what we see around us. People who do not have a hobby/job in writing about their food and what not.

    Congratulations on the fear foods, girl. You are amazing!

    Have a lovely day

    PS. thanks for adding me on facebook, hopefully we can chat sometime!

  9. I am really proud of you for taking steps to prevent relapse and further your recovery. I think throwing out the scale is a really good idea and that asking you doctor if weigh in could only be once a month will be a positive step forward. Even if your doc wants to continue weighing you, maybe just ask if you dont have to know if it went up or down or stayed the same.

    Keep up the great work!

  10. Dove chocolate!!! You know it girl. The ones with the PB are killer.

    I live scale-free and I think it's a must. I do get weighed weekly but I don't see my weights and we don't discuss it "in the moment." It's just like getting your blood pressure taken, you know it's going to happen, and it doesn't lead into a huge discussion afterwards.

    But anyway, you are awesome and I can see that measured in other ways, not by your weight.


  11. Hi, Laura :)
    I really enjoyed reading, as always! It's great to hear that your therapy sessions are helpful! I definitely know what it's like to feel guilty about the impact you are having on the people you care about, but it's great that you see that YOUR well-being is important, too. I think recovery is so much more meaningful when we are doing it for ourselves--because we deserve to be happy--rather than doing it to make others happy. I mean, we have to admit that, at least to some extent, our desire to please others is what got us here in the first place.
    You are so right about "normal eating". I mean it's great to try to eat healthfully and nourish our bodies, but some bloggers do take "healthy" to an extreme. And considering our tendency to take things to the extreme, I think it's best for us to learn to eat, more or less, what others do. I love that your posts have been really balanced lately--good for you that you are enjoying yourself (but not TOO much, haha) because honestly, life is too short to miss out on cupcakes!
    Thank you so much for your inspiration, Laura =) Keep fighting, girl! You are AMAZING!!
    With love,

  12. Its so true, although I love the blogging world and their eats - it's all very healthy and not exactly normal, our reliance on healthy foods may just cause another form of disordered eating, without the weight issues, but then again, those weight issues will always be there. So eating healthy is just mutating our eating disorders.

    You can't feel guilty about putting your family through that, because it wasn't you, it was the eating disorder. I too feel guilty that for years now they've either watched me pass out from starving myself or hospitalized, but they never stop loving you.

  13. Hey Laura!! I think it's a great idea to weight only once a month and the other appointments just check your vitals, because weighting can be so stressful! I only weight about once a month and it's still stressful so i don't know :S i would go crazy about weighting every week!
    Awesome swag! are those crackers raw? they seem delish! :)
    Have a nice thursday Laura! :)
    by the way i added you on facebook!

  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  15. i have never had an ED before so I don't understand the whole checking weight/vitals, but I do think you should bring up your idea because its what you think is best for YOU, which is obvs. the most important part of the process afterall.

    glad that your still doing the fear food idea :) keep up the great work laura! we are all here for you.

  16. i can only second what coco said!
    i think getting to monthly weighing sessions is a really good idea. i think weekly weighing is only needed when you are trying to gain but other than that i really don't see a point especially when it comes to people like us who eat so healthy and balanced. we do not need to worry ever about gaining to much weight becasue let's face it. it will never happen ;)
    i hope you can work out something with your doctor to make you feel more comfortable and get you out of that bubble.
    enjoy the dr.kraecker flat bread! they are from germany!! i am still so dazzeled about how expensive they are in all other countries. in germany there are super cheap though ;)
    have a good weekend love

  17. there is no real "normal" though is there? but there are variations of normal and ed does not fall in those variations at all

  18. So so true! Can relate with your 'family guilt', the mum-arguing...kudos to you for deciding to take charge and be more assertive! YAY LAURA :)

  19. commenting again haha....DINING HALL COOKIES ARE THE BEST! great job!!! oh, and is that book you have photographed any good? i am always lookin for a good read :-)

  20. I just read this post word for word and loved every minute of it! You are one strong girl! :D

  21. I totally agree. If you want to learn "normal" eating, you shouldn't be reading blogs, because...well, a lot of people eat disorderedly. A normal person does not eat healthy all the time, and that is a disordered mindset I had to get rid off, too.

    You're such a smart girl, Laura. And wise, too.

    I'm sorry you are having fights with your mom. But I'm glad you realized that you cannot rely on anyone on your recovery, and that recovery is NOT all about weight and numbers. You need to do this for yourself, and I think you have already made huge improvements in buckling down for real, which I admire so much! :-)


  22. Hey girl! So glad to here therapy sessions are starting to be more constructive! And it's really great that you're realizing this must be for you and only you! I definitely struggled with a lot of guilt too, but dad was quick to explain to me, its part of growing up, being a parent/child, and being in a family, we all make mistakes grow and learn from them!
    GOOD FOR YOU DUMPT THAT STINKIN SCALE! Focus on what YOUR body needs and wants and nothing else! Health. That sounds like a good proposal for your dr. I think if for you individually that would work then ask, and talk it over with them, if it will help you to focus more on health and less on numbers then i bet they would also be aok with it, il be interested to see what they say <3
    YES great job with eating fear foods! and REAL dressing YIPPEE! =] and i shall def be checking out that coffee!! ; ) keep up al the hard work and progress your in my thoughts!!
    <3 <3 <3 <3

  23. hey girl!
    i totally agree with you on reading other people's blogs! plus everyone is different, so you can't always compare yourself to other people's eats!
    your so lucky you got those doctor kracker's! hope they are good :)

  24. So basically, you're a gorgeous girl who I'm soo glad found my blog!

    Thanks for liking it. :)
    Also- I'd definitely agree that bloggers are not normal eaters! Most are healthy, well balanced- but true, definitely not normal. In fact, in the real world, most of us would be considered ab-normal to outsiders looking in. I don't have an eating disorder, but I do find myself constantly comparing my eats to other bloggers, suggesting the amount, type, etc. I just have to remember to stay true to myself and eat what is right for me.

    Yay for swag! And you've just convinced me to break out our family's stash of puzzles. A pastime that needs to be reintroduced to my life. :)

  25. I relate to this so much...going through hard times now myself for the last one year...even had to give up exercise...but i am 10 years older than you i feel not so great about myself...hang in there..