Friday, January 30, 2009

Interview!

Good morning!
I'm sorry I wasn't able to update this last night. I was planning on coming back after the interview and updating everyone, but after I showered I literally passed out! Yesterday was an incredibly busy and long day, and I'm SO happy that friday has come and I have a chance to breathe!

BUT

Onto the interview, shall we?

It went extremely well! The girl who interviewed me (Julie) was an absolute doll! She was so sincere and genuine, and made me feel as comfortable as possible. However, she did ask me a few questions that really made me think...and I actually couldn't answer! At least, not on the spot! All-in-all I think it went really well, and she's even going to send me the article before it's published to make sure she didn't include any information that I wasn't comfortable with! How great is she?! Oh...and despite the awkwardness...she let me snap a photo of her for you lovely ladies:



Isn't she cute?! (And no Julie, I'm not just saying that because I know you're reading this =P )
She actually said something that was so inspiring. She was really interested in how I coped with college and my peers and basically just societies push for thinness and dieting. I talked to her a little about how it's been difficult, but something that I have to learn to live with and she mentioned that even though she's never cared about her weight, and that she's happy with who she is, she can understand how much emphasis society puts on girls to look "perfect". Honestly, I respect and admire her SO much for being so confident in her own skin. I mean, she has no reason not to be! And neither do any of us.

She actually mentioned two things that I wanted to expand on a little. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with these, as I'm thinking while typing. However, I'm going to give it a shot!

1. Towards the end of the interview, she stated that she was surprised by how positive I was, and she never would have thought that I had an eating disorder. This really bothered me. Not in the "why did you say that, I'm so upset at you!" sort of way, but in the "that really shows you that people don't know much about eating disorders"- way. No wonder people throw around the label "anorexic" effortlessly, and in a negative fashion. It's because people don't KNOW how wonderful and genuine and beautiful the real sufferers are. They only know the celebrities and the few people who go on talk shows who are at the very worst of their disease; and who can be positive at that point?! That truly inspires me to put myself out there and show everyone that you can't place a face or a label on anorexia (or any eating disorder). We are real people, with a drive to recover and a past that will always haunt us- but that doesn't mean we aren't role models, positive thinkers, the next Einstein (=P), whatever!

2. Compliments. My absolute biggest fear (sort of). So why am I so afraid of them? Well, thanks to my dear Julie...I realized it. About half-way through our talk, she complimented me on my writing, and mentioned that I should write for them as well (with a little awkward laugh thrown in there as well....but a genuine compliment never-the-less). I, of course, mentioned that I didn't think so, but thanked her regardless. And then it hit me. I'm scared of letting people down. I'm scared that the next time she reads my blog, she will realize that I'm actually a terrible writer, and she was wrong and never should have mentioned it to me. I'm scared that I'm going to lose my ability to write and everything is going to go downhill. I'm scared of failure.
WHAT IS THAT?!?! I have always written this way, and I have always gotten compliments (despite denying them!). If someone compliments my hair, it's always going to be my hair. It isn't suddenly going to fall off, or turn into a fro. It's MINE and I can do WHATEVER I like with it...even if it doesn't satisfy everyone. I write because I enjoy it. I don't write to impress. If I wanted to write-to-impress I would be in journalism or something similar to that! I need to learn to accept the compliments, and run with them...not away from them!



Girls- I hope you have an AMAZING friday! Do what you need to do, push forward, smile, and LOVE YOURSELF! You deserve it!
<3

Thursday, January 29, 2009

They come and go.

The good days I mean!
Today, is turning out to be one of them. And for no particular reason either! I'm just so motivated for recovery, so I'm running with it!

However, I do need to ask something (pretty unimportant). As you know, I picked up two sweet potatoes yesterday at the grocery store. Well, I was just CRAVING one once I got back to the dorm, so I decided to nuke it in the microwave and enjoy a little snack. However...this is what it looked like:



Is this normal for a sweet potato? I mean...it didn't taste like a sweet potato, but it didn't taste like a white potato either. In fact, I think I might have even liked it MORE THAN either of those.

Ironically, our dining hall had sweet potatoes that night. The orange ones. =]

Anyways.
Normally on Tuesdays/Thursdays I spend my mornings snacking on little things (nutrition bars, cottage cheese, etc) so by the time I get to the dining hall ED tells me to only get a salad. Well, today I got a salad....AND a sandwich! I wanted one, so I got it. Taken via cell phone-


A very large dallop of roasted red pepper hummus with field greens and tomatoes, SANDWICHED between two large slices of wheat bread.

When I got back I gobbled down and apple, and now I'm blogging while having some of my chai tea. Yum!

I hope everyone's day is going well! I have my interview tonight at 7 and I am excited/nervous/a whole bunch of emotions! I'll let you girls know how it turns out! <3

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Snow Day!!

That's right- UConn cancelled ALL classes today, which is A-O-K with me!

I woke up at my usual time though (around 7:30) and decided to hit the gym. But you know what was super special about this gym visit? The scale was broken! Meaning I didn't gauge my workout on how much I weighed. I thought I would be upset about this, but I was actually really relieved. Not having that scale as a part of my day means I feel so much more FREE!

Here's a picture of what I see on my dear Arc Trainer-

It overlooks the pool =]

Okay, so afterwards I went back to the dorm, packed a lunch and my roommate and I hopped a bus to....The Big Y!!! Ah! It was amazing! I needed to stock up on so much stuff, and I didn't realize that we had a grocery store so close to campus! I was upset that I STILL can't find Barney Butter or Mighty Maple ANYWHERE! Everything was going wonderfully, however, until the bus didn't wait for us while we were running for it on the way home!! So we were stuck in a Chinese Restaurant with ALL of our bags until our Cab arrived!


We didn't hold back!!

Well, I guess the good thing about taking a cab back meant we got dropped off right at the entrance of our dorm! I told my roommate that I was going to take a picture of everything I bought and she didn't even question it! She's so laid back...I love it!





Top row- Fresca, Vanilla Chobs, Cottage Cheese, Cabot Vanilla Greek Yogurt, Boca Vegan Burgers, and OIKOS VANILLA AND HONEY GREEK YOGURT! (so excited for this!)
Middle row- Smart Dogs Veggie Dogs, Two sweet potatoes (for nuking in the microwave), Smart Deli Veggie Ham Slices, a White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cliff Bar (I have NEVER allowed myself a big cliff bar before...but I think this one is going to be worth it!)
Bottom row- Vanilla Chai tea and some Ranch Seasoning for my air popped POPcorn!

So...all this snow seems positive right? Well, sadly we needed to postpone the interview that I was supposed to have today until tomorrow. But that's okay, what's one more day right?!
_______________________________________________
Laura's Thought of the Day!

Okay, so this isn't my only thought of the day, but it's something I've been trying to figure out lately. Yesterday afternoon, after my lunch, I had a craving for peanut butter. And when this craving hits, you can bet that I "overdo it". Now, overdo it in WHO'S eyes? ED's of course. I had maybe a total of 3 tablespoons of peanut butter yesterday, but afterwards I wasn't even full...I felt satisfied. But I could feel the guilt slowly creeping in so I asked myself this- "What EXACTLY am I feeling guilty about?" I know sometimes it's simple- "I feel like I'm getting fat." But this time was different. I knew that I still had a lot of wiggle room calorie wise. I also knew that I didn't feel guilty for eating the peanut butter itself...since I adore this creamy goodness! So...what was I feeling guilty about? I was feeling guilty of eating outside of my normal and safe eating habits. Peanut butter was NOT in my ED's acceptable meal plan. It was different. It was uncomfortable for me. So I reasoned with it. SO WHAT? So what if I don't USUALLY have this protein-packed snack? I was hungry, I craved it, I listened to my body and I felt satisfied. I knew that this wasn't going to make me gain 10 pounds, or even 1/2 a pound (even though if I'm going to gain weight, I would love for it to be from eating all that peanut butter!!! <3.SO. BE. IT!




p.s. Do This.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'm such a terrible blogger!

I haven't updated in so long, and now that I finally am..I have no pictures for you!

I've been having a pretty bad few days regarding body image, and food intake. I'm not sure why I've been so depressed lately- there is really no reason for it! I had my doctors appointment yesterday and I was down yet again (which I already knew though). However, despite being bloated and having just ate dinner I weighed myself again....I don't even know why! I usually weigh myself in the morning, but I decided to do so after dinner and then number frightened me a little which is making me even more resistant to eat. Which is completely crazy, and I know I need to ignore any negative thoughts that come into my head but for some reason I'm finding it easier and easier to listen to them right now...

HOWEVER.

About my post yesterday- thank you for all your responses! I don't think I was very clear though, about why I was hesitant to do it. In no way am I worried about having other people know about my struggles...because I want to help as many other people as I can! I was just unsure as to whether or not everyone here would want the blog being known to the general public (AKA UConn students). I know many of you like to keep this blog kind of a "secret" or rather, just a personal hobby, but this would make it less of a secret I assume.

BUT. I'm going to do it. Tomorrow at 3 o'clock to be exact. And I am so excited for it. =]

I have a few ideas for more interesting blog posts, but I want to make sure I am in the right mood before I sit down to write. So expect one soon!!

OH, and Lee dear- it's extremely weird that everyone's been having dreams about their blogging friends, but you were definitely pregnant in my dream last night. Sorry love =]
<3

Monday, January 26, 2009

OPINIONS NEEDED ASAP!

Okay girls, I'm sorry I've been so MIA lately but I'll be catching everyone up tomorrow!

However, as for now- I just got contacted by a writer for our local newspaper on campus. She said that she stumbled across my blog and loves that I am trying to support others as well as help myself by using a blog. She wants to write about it and interview me, but I don't want to expose everyone here to the eyes of UConn students. At the same time, I would LOVE to talk about eating disorders with the newspaper. What should I do!?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Bad Mood Sunday.

Girls, I don't know what's wrong, and I hate being negative on here but I promised everyone I would be honest on here so I am going to be!

I woke up this morning, made myself a cup of coffee, and then headed to the gym. I decided to weigh myself again this morning, simply because I'm curious as to how this new meal plan is working with my body. Prior to stepping on that scale, however, I did feel MUCH larger than yesterday (because apparently I can double my weight overnight? Thanks ED.) Well...turns out I am NOW at my lowest weight. I lost some more, which scares me SO much. I have been eating SO much more and exercising less, and I haven't even been hungry (it's been YEARS since I can say that) yet the scale says I'm down.

Well, you can bet your bottom dollar that I marched right on out of that gym. The girl who swiped me in must have thought I was crazy because I had JUST gotten there. Oh well, Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest right?

Well I've been eating according to the plan again, and I just feel miserable. I'm exhausted and unmotivated and just randomly got extremely home sick. I am just frustrated with my lack of friends and my lack of any form of motivation to get out. I literally reached a point where I started tearing up while talking to my roommate about it (who is extremely close to her family, and home sick as well).

I was trying to push past it and get some homework done when my mom IM's me. Now, I know we don't really have a good relationship but I miss her regardless and wanted her to know. She asked me how I was doing and I simply responded:

"I've only been here a week and I'm already missing home!
I'm not having that good of a day"

I was really hoping she would ask me why, or say SOMETHING to make me feel better, but instead she just said:

"i'm sorry to hear that.
hope it gets better for you
2 more questions and i'll let you go
1. did you get my im about keeping your book receipts (even from last semester)? We need them for taxes"

=/ I'm really upset right now. I just wanted her to sound like she cared, but I told her I wanted to talk to her later and we'll see how that works out.

I don't want to sound miserable or self absorbed or anything! I just want comfort in my life. From anyone...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Mission: Failed.

Kohls didn't have that peanut butter maker! But I'm not giving up yet!

Before I left for the mall I had myself a frozen yogurt (the literal kind)

And I also had a Peanut Butter Pure Protein Bar. Apparently this one didn't have fish gelatin in it? I can't say I was a huge fan though. It had that typical protein bar taste that I couldn't shake. The chocolate on the outside was delish though!!

Although I didn't find my PB maker, I did find a pretty cool mug on sale!!


It's very tall and very skinny!!


I tried this tea in my new mug. Opinion? I think I have a NEW favorite tea!! It tastes JUST like apple cider! Yum!

Oh, and Jenny love, look what I did today to keep my mind off of my increased meal plan:


That's right...I COLORED!! I always need to keep my hands busy. Otherwise I feel like I need to eat ALL the time. Does anyone else feel like this? It's like...I have the desire to eat ALWAYS, even if I just ate and I'm STUFFED. So to compensate I either chew gum, ALWAYS drink something, or keep my hands busy (it's usually a combination of these things).

One thing that I haven't discussed much at all is my roommate. I just snapped this picture of her (she would hate me for posting this!!)



That's miss Jackie! Okay. Now, I love this girl. She is SO comfortable and confident in her own skin and we laugh at each other, and at EVERYTHING. When we are at school we do pretty much everything together, but once we separate for breaks we barely even touch base. I mean, I'm okay with that...especially since she's transferring next semester. But in the meantime, she's my buddy, and one of the only people I can talk to here at school. I really lucked out with a roommate this semester, and I hope I can get just as lucky next semester.
____________________________
Just a little update on my day though. I went to the gym this morning and weighed myself, and despite eating more than usual yesterday, I was once again down. I was extremely frustrated, and a little hopeless. However I only stayed at the gym for maybe 15 minutes tops. My body did NOT want to work out, and I wasn't going to force it. Since then, I've been eating EXTREMELY well. Even having a dining hall cookie (I added this to my last post but I just wanted to remind myself how good it felt, AND tasted!). I've been eating when I'm hungry, and even a little when I'm not. And it's been easier than yesterday, especially since I've been keeping busy. This is motivating me even more, and I'm not going to give up!!

Have a great evening ladies!!

Warning: Pathetic Post to Follow!

Sorry about my absence, and this "wanna-be-post." I had a pretty rough day yesterday (mentally) and I am still trying to get back on my feet. However, last night I pulled out this air-popping pop corn machine and made myself some PCORN. But since I didn't have anything to put on it, I decided to attempt cinnamon and sugar. OH BABY! You NEED to try this combination!

BUT.

The TRUE purpose of this post is to share with you gals, something that I discovered INSIDE the box. It was in a little pamphlet, and the moment I saw it I thought of every single one of you lovely ladies. So here it is, the miracle that IS...



AN AT HOME PEANUT BUTTER MAKER!

Okay girls. I am way too excited by this. But my roomy and I are trekking to this very pathetic mall today (I'm talking....like, a 4 store mall), however they DO have a Kohls. And I'm thinking maybe I'll get lucky and find this baby there? A girl can dream.

I'll be updating later for sure!

<3

EDIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had my first dining hall cookie.

That's all.
=]

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Okay girls.

First of all, I love every single one of you, and I'm going to ask to get my blood sugar tested next Monday.

Secondly, I have spent ALL afternoon/evening trying to develop a sample meal plan, and of course I am NINE fats short. Everything else is easy except those fats. I need ideas!

A scary morning...

Okay. So. I'm not in the posting mood but I feel the need to share a couple of things with you gals before my DREADED Chem class!

I woke up early to walk to the Cafe and get some java. After doing some blog reading and getting ready I heated myself up a bowl of High Fiber oatmeal-

Eaten with a fork because SHOCKER, we're out of spoons =]

While sitting in my nutrition class I started getting REALLY hungry, so I ate a Kashi soft-baked cereal bar (no pic, sorry!). I was planning on having this between my nutrition class and my music class but I was starving so I gave in.

Well, then something interesting happened in my music class. It happens every now and then, and I think it has something to do with my caffeine intake but I can't be certain (it hasn't happened in a LONG time). I was sitting there, and started to get really jittery and sweaty and my heart started racing. I could NOT sit in that class any more, so I texted my friend who was sitting somewhere in the auditorium and then booked it straight to the dining hall. I find that eating something calms this feeling almost instantly, so after a few minutes I was better.

I grabbed an apple and a tea bag, and had this once I was back at the dorm.



I also had two slices of bread with two tablespoons of peanut butter. I was really frightened, even though I can't be certain it had anything to do with my food intake...because I've been eating well these past few days.

HOWEVER.

I made a decision.
I dug around through my folders and pulled out my old discharge plan. It's based off of exchanges and I have officially decided to begin following it. I am tired of feeling like I am overeating at night, because I don't eat enough during the day. So I feel like this will give me a certain level of comfort, and structure, that I need in order to succeed throughout recovery. I plan on being 100% honest at my doctors appointment on monday- that means with the nutritionist too.

I'm very ready to begin this. Or rather, to END this. =]

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Where are all the nuts?!?!

I think Kashi likes jipping us off!

BUT even without those wonderful nuts on top, this tasted IDENTICAL to pumpkin pie (granted it's been quite awhile since I had a piece of PP, but it brought back memories!)

I had this with a cup o' joe this morning. Then I went to the gym, picked up the last of my books and grabbed ANOTHER coffee on the way back (winter spice flavor is my weakness!).

I came back, got ready for the day, made an appointment with my doctor (all by myself! Be proud of your girl =] ) and then went to lunch.

Do you even have those days where ED doesn't seem to exist? I do. And today is one of them. I wasn't freaking out about lunch, of those two coffees with extra soymilk, and when I went to lunch I made my sandwich with WHATEVER I wanted, and ate until I was satisfied. I have NOT felt satisfied in such a long time. It's such a relaxing feeling, and I no longer feel exhausted or anxious. I'm on cloud nine, I swear!

Lunch-o-rama:


Here we have two large pieces of WW bread (what's light bread?!), with veggie bologna, dijon mustard, tomatoes and spinach. I had cooked carrots, and a little spinach salad with extra french dressing! I also cut up an apple and munched on that while blogging when I got back.

The rest of my day is busy busy, but I'm taking advantage of this great and beautiful day by listening to my body. I have my first biology class from 2-2:50, then my first therapist appointment at 3, and then my first day of work (5-8).

A day of firsts! Can't wait!

<3


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I am healthy now.

THAT is what I thought when I got a visit from Miss Flow last night. I'm at my lowest weight, yet I still got this unexpected visitor. As I'm sure most of you know, ED takes this as "wow Laura, you've REALLY let yourself go. You must have gained so much weight over that week that you didn't weigh yourself!". Well actually...I didn't. But thanks ED. In fact, I am perfectly stable, so maybe this unexpected visitor showed up because my nutrition is getting better. My weight just needs to follow.

And actually, I have a LOT to talk about regarding our womanly cycle. But first!

For dessert last night I had a container of HALF frozen vanilla bean greek style yogurt. I prefer it to be COMPLETELY frozen, but we had just plugged our fridge back in after the long break, so it wasn't cold enough yet! (but apparently it was cold enough to freeze my cottage cheese which is right below the freezer! Oh, you have to love dorm life!)

But honestly, look how creamy it looks!!





And I figured I would show everyone what I see when I look out my window every day. Just for a little more visual pleasure.






OKAY.
Now it's lesson time.
And here is where I am going to be teaching this wonderful lesson:


Coffee cup filled.
Let's play GUESS THAT BLOG!

Actually, you play that. I already know who's it is =]


Nutrition and Infertility

Would you believe that this was the topic of our Nutrition class today? The day after I got my period, we would discuss different reasons why someon
e would be infertile (and you can bet your bottom dollar that being underweight was a HUGE component). However, I learned quite a bit more than I thought I would from this lesson, and I thought I would share it with you.

I will ask for your feedback though. I am in a course that discusses nutrition throughout life, and if any of this information is triggering please PLEASE tell me so that I can remove it immediately.


First of all, there are two different hormones to signal the fe
male brain to began our menstrual cycle. One of them is of course, Estrogen. The other is Lepton, which is a hormone derived from fat cells. The more fat cells you have, the more hormones that are able to be released. This is one of the reasons why if a woman is underweight, she will lose her period. (signal ED- Laura...you have enough fat cells to start your period. You are fat.) (signal Laura- BULLSHIT ED!)

ED is actually wrong in this scenario (big surprise!!). Anyone with a BMI of less than TWENTY (20) is at risk of becoming infertile.

Also, Chronic Under nutrition can lead to the birth of a small and frail infant who has an increased likelihood of dieing within the first year of life. This means the longer we starve ourselves, girls, the greater the risk that we will lose our baby someday! I know I'm not planning on having a child ANY time soon, but we need to stop focusing on the little "highs" we get from ED right now, and focus on the future- OUR lives and our FAMILIES lives.

ANOTHER thing that I didn't realize is that people who are underweight can get their period, but not release an egg. This is called an Anovulatory Cycle. These women do not know that there is no egg being released, because they are getting their p
eriod. So for all I know, I am STILL not fully menstruating!

A few other random facts:

-Women who exercise for >1 hour a day and do not menstruate are at a greater risk of bone loss and stress fractures.

-A low fat (<20%>2
5g fiber daily) is linked to reduced estrogen and irregular periods. This can cause infertility.

-****Carotenemia- a high intake of beta-carotene is linked to amennorhea (loss of menstrul cycle for 3+ months) and menstrual disfuction. It's been found in anorexic girls that their high intake of carots and other caretenoids causes a yellowing of the skin and loss of period. ( I DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!)

I'm really not sure if this was helpful/hurtful/indifferent to you girls.


But for me, it was the perfect thing to hear especially because I ju
st got my mentrual cycle back after 3 months. (I only had it ONCE three months ago. It was six months PRIOR to that that I got it last). Like I said previously, I don't plan on having a child any time soon...but I would like to someday. And I need to start taking care of myself NOW.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Hello CT!

I don't have time for a 'real' post (not that this is a fake one!), but I just went to the market here at UConn and LOOK at their new stock of bars (please note the LARABARS!)




Oh gosh, this is going to be a good semester =]

Goodbye RI

I'm leaving in TWO hours, and nothing is packed!!! I'm so terrible when it comes to getting things done beforehand.
Well, actually, I lied. I did pack ONE thing. Food! (of course that would be the only thing I packed =] )

This doesn't even include cereal, granola, or ANYTHING for the fridge and freezer. Ahhh!!

One last picture to amuse you, because it was amusing me instead of packing!



I call this: Laura. Pondering Life Without ED.

<3 Talk to you gals when I'm in CT!!!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

So much to talk about!

Oh gosh, I stress so much, especially when I have so much to talk about! I did take a little load off by writing down all the points I was hoping to make in this post. I guess if I forgot anything, I can just add it the next time!

Before I begin! I just wanted to warn everyone that I opened Panera today. This means I had to wake up at 4:15 this morning...so if my writing isn't up to standards, I believe I have an excuse!

NUMERO UNO
Okay. Let's begin with my dinner last night. I tried the Amy's Tofu Scramble pocket. My opinion? It was pretty tasty, but every frozen meal that I've had always seems to be cold in the center, but piping hot on the outside! Maybe I just need to make it piping hot to the extreme in order for the middle to be warm? Haha, I guess maybe making it in the microwave is to blame. It was also a bit soggy, and very dull in color. I'm a HUGE believer in feeding the eyes before the palate, but I guess the flavor made up for it!

I'm also wondering about the WAY people eat. I guess being a food blog, we don't really discuss this, and I don't want to bring up any eating disorder rituals, but I feel as if ever since I left treatment I seem to eat everything separately. I mean, take a sandwich for example. I eat everything in the middle first, and then I eat the bread. Or with a pb sandwich- I take a HUGE blob of peanut butter, put it in the middle, eat all the extra bread around it, and then eat the PB. I think with this it's just that I LOVE a mouthful of peanut butter. But still...I don't know if this is feeding my disorder, or if it's just a little quirk of mine.

NUMERO DOS
My mother got mad at me the other day. This is a pretty regular occurance for me, but I thought that this time it was uncalled for. I don't know if you remember me mentioning a few posts ago that she was trying to encourage me to go out with friends. Well, the other day she actually got upset with me for not being home much at all. I just can't win...and it's very frustrating and stressful. I feel like no matter what I do I just can't live up to the way she wants me to, and I just can't satisfy her.

I did have a pretty good conversation with my dad about my mom the other day though. He told me that she is starting to realize that her nervousness is more than that of a normal person. She's pretty sure she has anxiety (even though my first therapist bluntly told her that!) but she won't do anything about it. I feel like this causes a lot of stress in the household, because she jumps about everything, and then gets upset at me for snapping at her saying "Mom! It's OKAY, it's NOT the end of the world!" I say it nicer sometimes of course, but when it happens MULTIPLE times within minutes I tend to lost my temper.

I just feel like I can't have a good relationship with her. We went to TJ's and Panera the other day, and it was just awkward. ESPECIALLY at Panera. She kept asking me why I got a salad instead of a soup, or why I didn't want to get a different salad, because she thought I liked that OTHER salad. We didn't have a conversation the entire time, because she was either talking about my food, or complaining about hers. *sigh*. I don't mean to complain...I just needed to get it out.

NUMERO TRES
On a lighter note, at work today this kid Alex (who we still can't decide if he is gay or not, but apparently he had a crush on me for the first year that I worked at Panera?). Well, right before I left I was putting my coat on and he was getting ready to start his shift, and he came into the back and said "just to let you know, you look absolutely stunning today!" Of course, I didn't think so! But I thanked him and when he asked what I did differently I said "nothing. I woke up at 4:15am. Maybe the tired look works for me!" And it just wasn't awkward. Normally I don't know how to take compliments, but I think I handled this one pretty well!

Afterwards, I was headed to the restroom and saw D finishing his meal (he was leaving as well). I started talking to him and before I knew it 45 minutes had passed! It was SUCH an easy conversation, and normally when I notice a conversation going well I try to get OUT of the situation (god only knows why! This happens when I'm laughing with someone too. I get uncomfortable having fun for some reason. This will probably be in a different post!). But we just chatted away about school and work and our lives, and he even said that he liked how I kind of talk with my hands and tilt my head a lot (I'm pretty much a spaz!). All these compliments, GOSH! I don't know what to do with myself!!

NUMERO QUATRO (I don't speak spanish.)
I worked on my puzzle for 2 hours last night, and as I was working I thought of this little exercise that I would try. It sounds so silly...but just thinking about it seemed to help, so what the hell?! I'll give it a whirl.

Introduction: You're "applying" for a friendship (it's not shallow I swear!!). Someone is getting to know you and you are telling them about yourself and what your friendship is going to be like.

Instructions: Develop two personality profiles. One for YOU and one of ED. Review them.


LAURAs EATING DISORDER
Hi. My name's L'sED. I'm short tempered and EXTREMELY precise. My hobbies include counting calories, isolating myself, and being tired & cold ALL the time. Yes, that's a hobby. Don't count on me for having TOO much fun, I don't tend to laugh that much. Oh, and don't plan on going out very much either, I'm not a huge fan of social events. Unless it's the gym, or the grocery store. I like those, and in fact, I go to those almost EVERY day. Sometimes, I wander up and down the aisles of the grocery store looking for absolutely nothing. It sounds boring, and it kind of is. But I do it anyways. Oh, and I hope you enjoy talking about food ALL the time, because that's ALL we will be talking about. Actually, that's all you will be thinking about too because I tend to make sure everything we do involves food. But I won't REALLY eat the food. Just kind of look at it. Sound strange? It is. Accept it.
I'm pretty short tempered, so I hope you can deal with that. I also hope you're okay with me cancelling plans a lot. I tend to think things are a good idea until the moment it's time to do it. Then I have second thoughts. We also can't hang out TOO much because I have at least two doctors appointments a week. You could come if you want, but sometimes they can take up to 3 hours! But that's what friends are for right? Oh...and don't even BOTHER asking me about what I ate that day. I don't like to discuss that with people. Not usually. Unless I decide to tell you that I ate something pretty high calorie. If that's the case, you can pretty much accept it as a lie and move on. I lie a lot. I also cheat and steal. I'm addicted to gum and diet soda. Yes I know these are bad for me, so STOP telling me. See? Short tempered. I like routines and rituals. Don't be spontaneous. We won't get along. Don't ask me to go out to eat with you. I won't. Or if I do I'll be miserable the whole time and PROBABLY won't remember anything you say while eating the meal. I'll be staring at my food, or thinking about what exercise I can do later to burn it off. My hands will always be cold, so stop mentioning it. I'm really fun though! I swear!

LAURA
Hey hey! My name's Laura. I'm terrible at starting these things...so please give me a chance! I work at Panera Bread, and I LOVE it there. I'm pretty much a spaz, a clutz, and I've been called a goober on multiple occasions. I really don't know what I goober is. I absolutely LOVE trying new things, and tend to be a better listener than a talker. If you want to know what I'm thinking, just ask! I'll try my best to be 100% honest. I hate hurting people, but I LOVE helping them! More than anything actually! I tend to try to find people that need "fixing". Mentally I mean. I'm no doctor! I love having good, deep conversations with people, and I love arguing statements that claim to be true! I love every single season and coffee in any form. I love taking pictures because I believe the best things in life can be found in the fine print. Photography is just one way to capture those extremely discrete details! I have trouble trusting people (it's a working progress!) and I also have trouble saying no! Almost every single person I associate with I genuinely adore. I am pretty laid back about most things, so don't be surprised if I make pretty random faces instead of speaking. It's a habit. =] I HATE redundancy, but I am extremely redundant. But remember, I don't really get mad. EVER. So you can be redundant, and it's okay! I talk WAY too fast, and blush ENTIRELY too much. I flip payphones for world peace, I live for life, I am ready for something new. now.


Who would YOU rather be friends with?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Let me introduce you to...

Dan My Man!

AKA Danny.
Yep, that's my buddy right there. I used to have two...but one of them passed away =[

This is going to be a short post, but I promise...there's a good one on the way!

Pretty much, these are all my new finds...and what I thought of them:

Okay...I am not even a huge fan of white chocolate, but I think this is my new favorite Luna bar!! I ate it while driving at night, so I couldn't really SEE it, but I definitely ate a WHOLE macadamia nut! When does THAT happen in a Luna bar?!



Kayyyyy- why did you not drive to RI and DRAG me to TJ's to purchase these?!? They are AMAZING!! I literally LICKED the wrapper when I was finished. Most peanut butter flavored things have this kind of "off" taste to them, but this tasted like I just SPREAD pb across the top. Delish!



I've had just the Chocolate Jocalat bar, and I loved it. So this had VERY large shoes to fill...and it did! I didn't taste TOO much Hazelnut though, but it sure was tasty!

I'm having this for dinner tonight, despite my DESPISE for frozen meals. Wish me luck!!


OH, and at work today my manager walked by me and was like "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!". Now...this is about a 30 year old man asking me this, so I was a little taken back! But once he saw the look on my face he laughed and explained "your perfume, what are you wearing?" I told him depsite hating Paris Hilton, I loved her Perfume.
He said he loved it.

So I give you....Paris Hilton's- Heiress.



<3


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Quick post!

Good Morning lovelies! I'm just curious, are there any male readers out there? I don't want to keep referring to my readers as "gals" when that's not everyone out there! So let me know if you are of the male gender =]

Today's agenda includes:

-Therapist
-TJ's!
-Panera Bread for lunch with my mom (I'm actually EATING there for once!)
-Dermatologist (apparently I have too many beauty marks?)
- Gym
-Dinner
-Out with my sisters fiance. The three of us are really close. It's nice =]



Before I go though, I was tagged by the lovely Jenny to do this. So here we go!

4 Favorite Memories from 2008

1. Graduation!

2. Turning 18

3. Leaving for UConn!

4. Learning what a Food Blog was, then starting one!

4 Favorite Movies in 2008

1. 21 !!!!!

2. Seven Pounds

3. Sex and the City

4. The Dark Knight

4 Favorite Foods of 2008

1. Greek Yogurt

2. Peanut Butter

3. Whipped Cottage Cheese (yes, it's THAT good! =] )

4. Larabas

4 Places I loved in 2008

1. Storrs, CT

2. Boston

3. Disneyworld

4. Home sweet home!

4 Events I loved in 2008

1. Graduation

2. The Presidential Election

3. Christmas Eve Dinner

4. Grad Night (at disneyworld!)

4 Things I liked in 2008

1. Working at Panera Bread (still!)

2. Discovering the blog world

3. Being able to go to school, despite my ED

4. My ability to stay positive!

4 Things I’m looking Forward to in 2009

1. Recovery

2. Remaining healthy and active

3. Sophomore Year and applying to the Didactic program

4. The mystery of the unknown!




I feel like everyone has already been tagged! So if you weren't, then consider yourself TAGGED!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Don't you just love good days?

Today was just one of those days. Nothing really exciting happened (at all!) but it was just a good day. And it FLEW by. I woke up this morning with that movie on my mind, and just stayed positive ALL day. I ate breakfast, worked on the puzzle, at lunch, went to the gym, got my hair cut, picked up my paycheck, then came back here where I sat down for a nice snack. I have a few pictures documenting my day.

The snack that kept me going! This was apple pie flavor, and I liked it A LOT better than the Banana Bread one that I ate yesterday. It's a little bar, but it sure can give you power!!



I came home and enjoyed chai tea with another golden corn vitatop! I figured I would redeem myself for that terrible phone picture I posted a few days ago. You can get a better idea of what it looks like from this picture, don't you think?

I'm going to Whole Foods tonight with a few friends to get a few things to bring back to school with me. I get so excited on days that I go to Whole Foods!!!




Anndddd this is my stay positive picture. Goofiness always motivates me!!

So remember to stay positive for the rest of today everyone! It's worth it!!!

*insert creative title here*

First off. Last night I tried oats and peanut butter for the first time. The verdict? I don't know why the hell it took me so long to try this!!!


Sorry about all these phone pics! I've been quite the social butterfly this past week, so it's hard taking pictures of my food with a normal camera without being questioned!

Along with a hummus&lettuce wrap and broccoli with a tiny bit of Olive Oil. Hello visible fat!


Okay, what I really want to talk about this morning is the movie I went to see last night. I don't know how many of you have seen the movie Seven Pounds, but I can honestly say to you that it changed my life. I don't want to explain the movie in any depth to you because I'm sure many of you still haven't seen it. And if that's the case, PLEASE see it.

I went into that movie kind of stressing about food because I was really hungry and had a Luna bar with me, but had planned to have my frozen yogurt when I got home. Well, in the end I realized that I wanted to pay attention to the movie, not my stomach, and I could work out the yogurt situation when I got home. So I ate the Luna Bar, and payed attention to the movie.

Every minute that passed made me more and more thankful for my life, and guilty (in a sense) about spending so much time worrying about my eating disorder. Before my disorder I LOVED helping people, I had hobbies and passions and a love of life that could never be explained nor captured. I was a different person. I was the person that I want to be now, and the person that I could look back on when I am 80 and say "hell yes. I lived a life I can be proud of." I want that person back. I want to wake up in the morning and do every. little. thing. that I can to help people! I get such honor and pleasure out of being a good person, that I get upset to think that I wasted over 3 years of this ability to help, being so consumed with my own body, and my own problems.

This is a quote from the movie that I sent myself via cell phone the moment I heard it.

"i haven't treated myself very well these past few years"
"well start now."

And that is EXACTLY what I am going to do. I am going to start now. Instead of focusing so much of my life on food and myself (which trust me, some of that is still needed!), I'm going to also focus my attention outwards. I want to help people and make THEIR lives better, because by doing so I make MY life better.

This movie left me speechless. I left the theater unable to think of anything to say. My sister and her boyfriend were just goofing around, as if this movie had ZERO affect on them. But there I was, moving slowly and just thinking. And I mean REALLY thinking. Not about ED or that yogurt waiting for me at home. But about the movie. About my life. About EVERYTHING that matters.

Please see this movie.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Pretty Packed Post!

I had a lot of time to think today, especially about my last post and everyone's responses towards it, and I have come up with a plan of some sort. For one, I feel as if my 'addiction' to the blogging community also has a lot to do with the fact that I have a lot of free time given that I'm still on my Christmas break. On the days that I am very busy, I don't get really stressed out about not being able to read everyone's blogs. So, since I am starting school again next week, I am going to keep up with this until then, and see what happens once I have a pretty busy schedule. If I am still finding myself spending too much time reading, comparing, and pretty much spending WAY too much time on here...then I will take a break. But I want to be okay with this, because I just ADORE the people here, and typing about my days really helps me mentally. I just need to cut back on the blogs that I DO read, and focus more on the person, not the food they are consuming.

OKAY. Now on to more interesting things.

I had a doctors appointment today, and it was a good one! They don't tell me if I maintained or gained, but either way I did not lose! This means that I am 100% going to school next Monday! My next appointment at this place is in March, and I LOVED being able to make that appointment and waltz on out of there! (don't worry...I have plenty of doctors at school to keep tabs on me and my health! =] )

While I was in the waiting room, I was reading my book when I came across this sentence. It says "Size in a matter of perspective." I thought this was an extremely interesting statement. I haven't had much time to really think about it, but I'm just letting you know to expect some sort of post in regards to this statement too. I just think it holds true in so many aspects of our lives. I see women who are absolutely beautiful, and in my opinion such a healthy "size", yet if I were to find out their weight, it would most likely be a lot more than I, myself, weigh. However, I look in the mirror and see a different size than I truly am. Perspective I tell you. Perspective.

Well, I also got a text from my friend while I was in the waiting room. She said there was a 10 for 10$ sale on ALL nutrition bars at CVS. So, of course....I hit that on the way home!

There's a few Newbies in there. INCLUDING Jaime's beloved Turtle Kashi Roll Bar! Can't wait to give that a whirl! Also, despite never seeing them in the blog world, I picked up a Pure Protein bar! Baby steps my friends, baby steps. =]

OH, and this is something I've been waiting to see pop up:

I can't wait!!!

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT I FORGOT ABOUT?!

The fact that I was expecting a package of bars from our dear Lauren! And of course, since I just purchased NUMEROUS amounts of bars, I would get another huge (and SO much appreciated!) shipment of bars in the mail!!

LAUREN- I WAS SO EXCITED TO OPEN THIS PACKAGE!! I think, I was more excited than Christmas morning. Oh gosh...I think I need to attend a Nutrition Bar Anonymous meeting.



She remembered to include a note (sorry I forgot Lauren, I still feel bad!!) But I plan on taking this to school with me. It's impossible to look at this and not smile =]

Now, I know I said I was going to save these for school. But I'm thinking that Banana Bread Nakd bar isn't going to last a whole week untouched!!






That Yogurt Wallaby bar is kind of calling my name too ;-P

Lauren- Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!

I'm just in such a good mood right now. I had a FANTASTIC workout, I'm completely relaxed because my appointment is over and I am positive I will be able to go back to school, I have an OVER abundance of bars, a possible job at school, and I have a plan for the blogging problem. Oh, and there MIGHHHTTT be a boy named Tom appearing in these posts. But, that's a might =]

<3

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A little concerned.

I'm starting to feel myself becoming a little concerned about how this blog is affecting my recovery. I mean, in some ways it has helped tremendous amounts, especially having the support from such amazing, beautiful, and inspiring people! However, I have also realized that although I have conquered many fear foods, I have also become so much more strict with certain things. For example, chips are completely off limits and a sandwich is considered lunch in itself. Also, this thing I have going with peanut butter. I'm not really sure if it's healthy. I mean, I never ate this much peanut butter until I started reading blogs, and now I honestly can't go a day without it! I mean...I guess that's not a terrible thing, but I won't even TOUCH ice cream anymore, and if I don't see something eaten on a blog, then I won't eat it myself.

It's almost as if I've become addicted to nutrition. Like, anything that wouldn't be considered healthy by all of you here, I won't touch. Things that I used to eat ALL the time (cookies, white rice, sunchips, ice cream, etc). And all I do is compare! I know it's ED talking, but I compare everything from workouts to daily eats. (Did I mention I was never THIS hardcore about working out until I started reading blogs).

I guess I just don't know what to do. I'm confused. Maybe it's simply because I'm exhausted right now, but I would appreciate SOME advice.

<3 Love you girlies.

Confession time..

I LOVE the song Love Story by Taylor Swift. Like...in an unhealthy, I listen to it on repeat when I drive, sort of way.

But it's okay.

My sister wanted me to take a picture of this:


I've been closing at Panera for the past 4 days, so I bring my sister bread, bagels, pastries, paninis, you name it! She keeps all of it in the microwave, and look at it all! You can't even see a lot of it.

So I'm updating early today because I'm spending the day with my best friend (who is leaving for Missouri tonight! =[ ) and my friend from school. He and I aren't really close, but I think it will be good to get together with someone from school!

I'm also dropping off a few books at Panera for D beforehand. I kept raving about 2 specific books so I told him I would loan them to him. It's pretty much just another excuse to see him.

However, tonight Panera has this thing called a Bread Bash. It's pretty much a meeting where we talk about the new food we are getting, food we are taking off the menu, and what we can do to make work more productive and enjoyable. I just love being able to hang out with my coworkers. They are amazing people!

I had a new Luna product today! It's a Vanilla Macadamia Tea Cake.






Yum! It was extremely tasty. I had it with an apple and some coffee with (extra) soymilk. It didn't really fill me up though, so I'm probably going to be going back to the room of food for some extra fuel! I do recommend this to anyone who is looking for a light snack though! It's soft and chewy, and actually reminded me a lot of the honey graham Z-bar. I think I liked it more though =]

Have a great, and hopefully relaxing, Sunday everyone!