Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Today.

Today I challenge myself…to not lift up my shirt every time I pass by a mirror. To eat what I crave instead of what I feel I SHOULD have. Today I challenge myself to smile a little more, and worry a little less- to open my eyes to the wonders of the world, beyond the stress that comes with food. Today I challenge myself to forget about my weight, and worry about numbers that really matter- likes grades, music chords, and math equations. Today I challenge myself to be confident, no matter what I am doing -to live according to me, and my plan- not ED and his. Today I challenge myself to stop calorie counting, to stop making excuses, and to try to remember who I was before the disorder. Today I challenge myself to call my family, my friends, and talk about what they want to talk about. Today I challenge myself to a cookie, or an ice cream cone, or any other dessert that my tongue pleases. Today I challenge myself to lift weights instead of run, to remember that my body is a temple, not a slave. Today I challenge myself to listen to music that motivates me, to be a little less uptight and a little more carefree. Today I challenge myself to smile at a stranger, compliment a friend, and hug an acquaintance.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

What will you do?




(Got Granola?)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

So that's what I've been up to.

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. But I have been up to MANY new and exciting things. Some good..some bad..some still up for judgement! I was planning on going into a decent amount of detail, but I have so much studying to do, and gorgeous weather just WAITING to be appreciated. So I'll make this a more "picture-fied", yet thorough, post. But first-

[To all of the girls who commented on my blog for the first time last post, thank you! I wish I had time this weekend to personally comment back, and read all of your blogs, but as you will soon understand and find out- my life is a little too hectic now to take the time to do that! If I do manage to find a few minutes here and there, I'll take a look! But I just wanted you all to know how incredible it felt to read such genuine and heart-felt comments from girls who I don't even know. You all seem absolutely amazing <3 ]

Now let's begin with last Tuesday-

I got my grade back for Chemistry. I failed, and after a long discussion with my advisor, decided it would be in my best interest to drop the course. This brings me down to 10 credits, meaning I am technically a part time student. This also puts me a year behind in my major (dietetics).
After much, MUCH thought...I realized a few things. 1. The nutrition classes are not helping my recovery process. 2. Prior to having an ED, nutrition wasn't on my mind. I loved animals, and nature, and LIFE. 3. I think I might enjoy majoring in Environmental Science.

So now I don't know what I'm doing with my life. However, I do know what I'm doing with my RESIDENTIAL life next year!! I managed a few, ahem, "connections", and landed a spot in the Junior/Senior suites next semester!! Hilltop Suites here I come!!:




Two 3-person rooms are attached by a bathroom which includes a shower, toilet, and sink. There's also a kitchenette down the hall, a HUGE lounge with a big screen tv, and it overlooks the turf and track (as you can see). I am SOUPED!

I've also been trying new foods recently. And although I'm a little upset that no one FORCED me to have laughing cow before, I'm extremely obsessed.

We ran out of knives...
**Phone Pictures Alert**

Definitely not a good choice for breakfast.
but.
Definitely tasty!


I ate something green.

____________________________________
Let's break for Story Time!
So, I was at the library today, standing in line at the cafe to purchase the previously pictured Odwalla bar, when I overheard two girls talking about a friend of there's who recently "recovered" from an eating disorder. I say "recovered" because they were talking about her weight gain, not about her mental health. Well, one girl was telling her friend about a conversation she had with the "recovered" girl, which consisted of her being afraid that she was so noticeably fat now. Well, the other girl couldn't BELIEVE she would think that. She said that she could hardly tell that she had gained any weight, all she could tell was how much more beautiful she was now.

So you see girls. Health DOES = beauty. Not just in our eyes, but in everyone else's too.
_____________________________________

As the weather gets warmer, I find myself spending more time outdoors. Whether it be studying outside, hanging out with friends, or going on excursions, I just LOVE the fresh air and the ability to walk about and enjoy the world around me!



Now I'm not sure how many of you girls can relate, but as the weather begins to warm up, my food preferences change DRASTICALLY! I can (proudly!!) say that I've been eating ice cream on a regular basis, more cold cereal in the morning, lots of yogurt and popcorn and cheese and SALSA! But sadly, my craving for "heavier" foods has decreased. I just don't crave peanut butter or oatmeal or anything along those lines! At least...not as much. So I'm trying to find a comfortable place with these things, which is difficult but extremely doable. And reading this quote has helped my tremendously-


Yes, you've seen this before. This is the quote that my friend sent me earlier this week. But I wanted to take a (readable) picture for all of you to see. It's hanging on my wall to the left of me (when I'm laying on my bed) and every morning I read it to myself. "The greater a man's fear, the greater his potential courage." How incredible. How uplifting and inspiring and absolutely true. We all fear this disorder. We fear the loss of control, and change. But the more we fear, the more potential courage we possess. So take that courage and run with it! Show the world how strong, indomitable and UNCONQUERABLE you are! Because not only do every single one of you are possess those qualities, but you possess so so much more.

<3

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A mish-mash of topics all needed to be said.

Warning: this post is not going to be organized.

I have too many topics that I want to touch upon in order for this to be organized. So I appologize. I actually think I am going to number it...for my own sanity.

1. I forgot to mention how much of an impact everyone's comments made on my take of gaining weight. I'm not sure WHO mentioned it, but someone said that "there is no upper limit when trying to gain weight" and this has been stuck in my head over the past few days and has helped me a lot. This is absolutely true, and repeating it to myself has made eating more seem much easier! So thank you to everyone for those amazing comments! I only get concerned when I eat too much at once because I didn't eat enough throughout the day. I want to make sure that I am gaining weight in a structured manner, that way once I reach a point where I can start cutting back, I will already have "re-learned" how to eat. Does this make sense?

2. I've been doing very well over the last week. I've challenged myself to foods I would never IMAGINE allowing myself to eat (ie. bagels with peanut butter, wraps over 500 calories, cookies, etc) and it honestly has never felt so amazing! I was almost positive that I had gained weight, yet when I went to the doctor yesterday I found out that I was stable. This is definitely a good thing, and my doctor was pleased because I told her how hard I was trying, but this is really an eye-opener in regards to showing myself how MUCH I can eat.

3. Now, this relates to #2. I have found that when I eat these "higher-calorie" foods, and then I come look at blogs, I begin to feel guilty for eating them. I think my eating disorder likes to compare how MUCH I eat to what everyone else is eating. It's difficult right now, because everyone on here is at a different point in their recovery- some trying to gain, some trying to maintain, and some trying to lose (not at a good point!). So I may try to spend less time around the blogs for a little while- for my own health. I'll still be checking in and updating, but I just don't want you girls thinking I totally bailed on you! I'll still be here...but I need to focus on myself for a little while, and on school (which honestly is going terribly...but I don't want to think about that at this point).

4. I had anothing slight "realization" over these past few days that I thought I would share with you girls. I was eating dinner with my friend and we both decided to get cookies for desert. As we were sitting down eating them, my friend looks at her's and puts it down. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she simply didn't like it- and she wanted ice cream instead. I smiled and said "okay, then go get ice cream!" but while she was gone I really began to think. Every since my eating disorder began, I kind of lost touch with my ability to determine the differences in food. It's hard to explain, but to me- a cookie is a cookie. I don't eat a cookie and really think about the flavor and compare it to OTHER cookie's I've had in the past. Instead, I accept it as a cookie, a sweet treat, sometimes a FORBIDDEN treat, and that's that. I simply want to be able to TASTE food again. To have preferences and the ability to determine differences in flavors. I know it will come, and it's starting to, but I really can't wait until I have that back again!

5. As many of you may remember, this past summer I attended a Partial Hospitalization Program. I only stayed for roughly a week, however while I was there I formed a bond with one of the girls. She is one of the sweetest, smartest, and most genuine person I have ever met, and I truly consider myself blessed to have ever been able to meet her. Well, recently we have been talking a lot- about recovery, this blog, our lives, and especially what has helped us through the hardest of times. We both discovered that making bracelets was an excellent form of therapy. It's a way to keep our hands and minds busy, a way to relax, be creative, and prove to ED that we are capable of creating something out of nothing- proving to him that we are more than our eating disorder.

Well, when I went downstairs to get the mail today I had a package waiting for me. I opened it up and look what it was: (!!!!!!)


Colored hemp!
I had mentioned that I couldn't find it anywhere, and there was nowhere around UConn that supplied crafts such as this, so she agreed to send me some. She also included an inspirational quote and amazing letter on the back (which brought me to tears). For confidentiality reasons, I'm not going to mention her name- but if she is reading this I want her to know that she has changed my life. She has made me such a strong person and I would not be the person I am today without having met her. She made that week at PHP bareable, and gave me someone to look up to. Thank you so much for all of this, we are definitely going to be in each other's lives forever and I can't wait until I come home so we can get together <3



I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and a wonderful day tomorrow!
<3

Oh, and don't forget to enter the Quaker Giveaway by Wed. at 5pm!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

A burial...

...of ED's best friends!
I've spent the last few days debating whether or not to "waste" these products. But then I realized that it is better to trash them than to continue feeding into ED. So yesterday I said goodbye to the "Light" products and hello to a diet filled completely with whole, REAL foods!




After our "funeral" in which NO tears were shed, I sat myself down to do some Chemistry! See my little set-up?-

And of COURSE there is a snack to get it all started! Brain food!!


I really really love these bars, and I'm not sure why! I smash them prior to eating so they are flatter and take longer to ingest. Yum =]

_____

Okay, so this morning I was reading our lovely Brooke's blog, and she mentioned how, as she becomes less and less restrictive with eating, she becomes more restrictive in other areas of her life such as shopping. After reading this I immediately made a connection to my life that I have been trying to figure out for over a year. My old therapist and I used to talk about my money spending habits..or rather, lack-there-of. Ever since my eating disorder began I have been extremely concerned with how much money I spend- whether it be shopping, gas money, or just buying a cup of coffee. I always explained it as being SCARED to spend, but Brooke's post made me realize that the feeling I get when I spend a lot of money is the same feeling I get when I eat over my "regular daily intake". What does this all mean? I'm not quite sure yet. I have realized that when I am more restrictive with my eating, I am much less restrictive with my money-spending...which can be extremely difficult to work with, however, it can be a more obvious sign to myself that I am being restrictive with my food.

So it seems that I am always going to need SOMETHING in my life to control...in the restrictive way. At least until I am able to sort everything out. But I'm interested to see if I can find something else to restrict, something that is less harmful, and actually useful. That way I can focus my "restricting energy" on that, and allow the freedom to flow when it comes to food.

I hope this doesn't sound TOO crazy.

<3 Enjoy this BEAUTIFUL Sunday everyone!

Friday, March 20, 2009

A challenge day. [EDITED TO ADD]

I AM LOVING TODAY!!!
First of all, after my "larger than normal" breakfast, I indulged (positively!) in a 3 hour nap! Followed by errands to the pharmacy and market, and then lunch at our Organic Dining hall. Now GET THIS GIRLS! Lunch included- a salad with carrots, black beans, pinto beans, and balsamic. A sandwich on wheat with hummus and lettuce. AND one scoop of chocolate + one scoop of vanilla Tofutti Ice Cream!!! HELL YEAH! I wasn't even hungry for the ice cream, but everyone I was with was getting some, and I've never had that brand, and what the hell right?
I feel so IN CONTROL over this. Eating structured meals is making me feel wonderful and free! I never would have imagined...
=D

______________________________



No pictures, sorry!
I just wanted to let all of you girls know that every single one of your comments brought a smile to my face. I don't mention it often, but every time I get an email saying that I have a new comment, my spirit is lifted just a little more. Each thoughtful comment is appreciated SO much and I could never begin to thank everyone enough for the inspiring words and heartfelt comments that have been left on every single one of my posts. This community means so much to me, and I wish I could do SOMETHING to show you girls how much it really DOES mean to me. So thank you <3

Just as all of you said...today is a new day, and it's a MUCH better day. I decided to challenge myself today. Normally I get caught up with just grazing all day. It's a bad habit that I got into once I began recovery. I'm comfortable with it because I don't get really really hungry, but I never get full either. I also don't take in enough calories throughout the day. So this morning I woke up with a plan. It's simple, but I'm going to eat three GOOD meals, and 3 dense snacks. I almost bailed out on the way back from class this morning, telling myself that I just felt like a granola bar for breakfast, but I was able to separate this (ED) thought from MY thoughts, and waltzed right into the dining hall and plated myself some scrambled eggs, toast, and an apple. With coffee+soymilk of course!! It was delicious...yet I was still hungry. So I had some cottage cheese and felt satisfied. I didn't count calories, or pay attention to serving sizes. I just took what I felt like, and what I was hungry for...and that's that. I can tell today is going to be a MUCH better day than yesterday...

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

10 minutes and I still can't think of a title.

Today is a roller coaster of a day. I keep getting these "high's" followed by extreme "low's" and I'm not really sure why. Actually, that's not true...I have some idea, and it has to do with overeating last night and feeling miserable about it. I know it's in the past, and there is nothing to do but look forward. However on top of eating a stomach-turning mixture, our dorm room also got unbearably hot so my night was spent sweating and trying my hardest to fall back to sleep. Only to wake up to rain and another day of trying to increase my calories and decrease my exercise. It's been really tough, and admitting that is difficult for me because I so often throw a smile on my face and pretend that I'm okay with everything. Today however, I find myself taking it out on others around me, as well as myself. And I'm hoping that by typing this I will be able to clear my mind, realize that life goes on- tomorrow will come and I won't have that "last-night guilt" lingering over me, and I will soon forget about this.

Before I continue, I want to share what I received in the mail the other day: Samples from YouBar! How generous were they? They sent me samples of both their bars AND their protein powders! Can you believe I've never had a protein shake before!?



Of course I couldn't wait, and immediately tore into the Great Date with Chocolate!

Opinion: I remembered hearing a few people mention that the chocolate flavor didn't shine through with this bar, but I thought exactly the opposite! All I could TASTE was chocolate! It reminded me of a mix between a brownie and a Clif Nectar bar...but regardless, it was sticky and chewy, and kept me satisfied for over 2 hours! That's some staying power! Plus, it has 8g of protein and 35% calcium! If the rest of the bars are this good, I'll definitely be creating my own!

I'm a little skeptical about the bar that's called "Bored In Iraq Bar-Horst ". It has an extremely lengthy ingredient list and seems to have every ingredient possible thrown in! It's on the larger side too, but the first 3 ingredients are dates, peanut butter, and walnuts. PLUS you only live once right?! I'll let you girls know once I try it!!

Thank you so much YouBar!!
______________________________
I was planning on typing more about my day, and trying to sort things out that are going on in my head...however I'm really not in the mood, and a shower sounds much more appealing to me right now. Have a wonderful evening everyone, and I'm sorry I'm not my typical self!

<3

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

"Yes...I am lying"

Not to you girls of course, but to people in my life.
Not in a bad way though.
Lying? Good? WHAT!?!
That's right, I've been lying to my friends in order to benefit myself.
It's a simple fib. They ask me "What do you feel like doing?" or "Where do you feel like eating?"
I answer-
"It Doesn't Matter to Me!"
Well of COURSE ED wants it to matter. ED has a plan, a preference, a routine. But I tell them that I don't care, it doesn't matter, whatever THEY want.
And you know what? Life gets a little better.
I promise you.

I am in a WONDERFUL mood! Even WITH a doctor today. It's beautiful outside, I have a wonderful busy day ahead of me, my room has a new setup so I am facing the beautiful outdoors, I'm listening to some upbeat music, drinking some caffeinated soda, and just CHILLING in my room. Making bracelets of course! I'm going to let pictures do most of the talking again...simply because they CAN!








(they have these in our Organic Dining Hall! Along with tofutti sour cream. CrAzY stuff!!)







Sunday, March 15, 2009

You know the drill!

Quick Back-to-school food post before I begin my night of chemistry, and of course, the Amazing Race!!

I'll let the pictures do (most of) the talking!


(Please note the bottom right)


Hot cocoa, oatmeal, cream of wheat, PB GALORE!


Bars Bars Bars Bars Popcorn Ritz Bars Bars Bars...




Blah. For my coffee...




Bad picture. Too much food.


Cheese, Greek Yogurt, Peanut Butter, Salsa, Veggie Meat, Silk.


I took over the freezer....veggies burgers, Vitatops, greek yogurt.


Cottage Cheese, WHITE sweet potatoes.


My drug!

That's all, that's all.
Ben says hi.
=]

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Modernizing.

Apparently it's the new "thing" to change all of the pepsi-product designs?


I'm not so sure I like it. I guess the sierra mist design isn't too bad...but the Pepsi one is just so bland!

There isn't much to this post. Just a few pictures that I've been meaning to post! I have a lot to do tonight before I head off to school in the morning. Here is some of the stuff I'm bringing back with me:

PLUS
+Corn Vitatops
+Greek Yogurt
+Cottage Cheese
+String Cheese
+Vanilla Soy Milk
+Vanilla Ensure (...yum...)

And lastly!



SEE THAT ANGER?!?!

Have a lovely night!!

EDITED TO ADD!!!

1. Amy brought this to my attention:


Obama+Pepsi=too similar? Perhaps!

Also

I'm not angry at what the scale is telling me PERSAY, I'm angry that society has led us to believe that the number on the scale is telling us who we are as a person! A number doesn't define us, never forget that!!!!!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Wait...Which train am I on?

Yes, Jaime will be disappointed, but I got on the wrong train. Rather, the right train in the wrong direction. So here I am, just chilling at South Station waiting for the 10:25 train back. However, I did have time to grab some breakfast at Au Bon Pain and write another post for everyone! I somehow found my motivation to post over vacation. Actually..I'm going to take a phone picture of where I am right now, just so you have SOME visual prior to this lengthy post!!


Something tells me they like their Pepsi here....I hope they don't mind if I pull out my coke right about now...

Anyways...

I wrote this earlier when I couldn't find wi-fi, but now that I'm connected I'm going to do a little copy-paste action:

So I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I began thinking about two options that I have to choose from during this process of recovery. I call them “Little High- Big Low” or “Little Low- Big High”. They may seem kind of obvious to you, but writing them down and really thinking about them seems to make me more aware of the choices I make and what’s really important.

Option #1. Little High- Big Low

Little High- This is the “high” that I get when I listen to my disorder. That moment of gratitude that lasts, literally, just that moment. This is when ED tells me “Laura, if you don’t have that cookie after lunch then I’ll allow you coffee this afternoon. And you know how much you enjoy the extra calories from that milk when you know it’s not making you gain weight. If you eat that cookie, AND drink that coffee…oh god. Make room for a WHALE!” So I skip the cookie and have the coffee, and I get a little “high”. I’m feeling pretty good about myself for listening to ED. But then comes…

Big Low- This is the big picture. This is everything that happens from the point that I “skip the cookie” to the end of my days. So I decided to skip that cookie, then the next day lunch time rolls around and ED tells me “Laura…come on, you didn’t have a cookie yesterday and you DON’T want to eat more than yesterday. So skip the cookie again today. And while you’re at it you don’t need cheese on that sandwich. If you skip the cheese I’ll let you have a coffee AGAIN today. Remember how much you enjoyed it yesterday?” But then it keeps on going. My ED likes to compete with itself and make sure that each day I’m not eating more than the day before. So if I skip something one day, each day will just get worse and worse. From there I’ll start losing weight, missing out on key vitamins and minerals, and probably end up in the hospital. If I end up in the hospital my parents won’t pay for me to go to school far away, and I’ll lose a lot of my friends, and basically the life I know. And that’s only if I just end up in the hospital! My life is at risk, and I can’t forget about that…

Option #2 Little Low- Big High

Little Low- This is the negative feeling that I get when I increase my calories, or eat that extra cookie. I begin to feel like I have failed, like I am about to blow up like a balloon. But this feeling doesn’t last long, which is why it’s considered a “little low”. I soon forget about this feeling, on most days, and each morning I wake up ready to begin a new day. In the moment it’s extremely difficult to handle. I often feel as if everyone around me can tell that I ate a HUGE lunch, and therefore thinks less of me.

Big High- THIS IS MY FUTURE! This is what I get for pushing through the little low’s. This is my college graduation, my first job, my first home, my husband, my children, my proud parents. These are the people that I will help, the lives I will change, and the world I will live in. This is what really matters.



I choose option #2.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

She said "I think I'll go to Boston"..

That's right, I'm off to visit my friend in Boston this morning. She goes to Northeastern and it was a very "spur of the moment" decision! I'm extremely excited! She just loves showing me around the city, and there is never a dull moment!

I also wanted to thank everyone who commented on my video post. I'm extremely self-conscious and it took a lot for me to post that. But thank you for the positive comments, I'm not ALWAYS that much of a spaz...I promise! Just in front of the "camera".

But now it's time to be honest.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and it didn't go very well. I'm at my lowest weight and they are concerned that if I can't get my weight up, they aren't going to allow me to stay in school. This scares me SO much. I love being in school, and at this point I'm going to do anything to stay in school. I got blood work done to check my thyroid, because I've been eating a lot yet never seem to feel satisfied....which could obviously be just because my weight is low but I guess it can't hurt just to check. My doctor is also sending me information on Residential Programs for over the summer. She said I don't need to decide right away, but it would be a good idea to get in contact with someone in case I do decide to give one of them a try.

So I'm wondering if any of you girls could recommend any programs. My doctor spoke VERY highly of Princeton, which I know a few of you girls have gone too. She mentioned a few others but I can't remember the names right now. This is scary to me, so any information would be greatly appreciated.

I'll leave you with a new bar for me. It's funny, because at the beginning of the school year my roommate would always grab a balance bar when she was hungry and I (ED) would look at her and swear that I would never have one. 200 calories? God forbid! Well...I kicked ED to the curb and bought this baby-

Sorry...it's a cell phone picture.
My opinion? Delicious!!! Normally I'm not a fan of this kind of textured bar (too protein-y bar for me) but the fact that the outside was coated in a peanut butter flavored WHO KNOWS WHAT was just what I needed. It was very sweet, and yeah...kind of artificial, but it was tasty and packed a punch regarding vitamins and minerals...which is what my body needs right now!!

That's what I'm kind of confused about actually. At the beginning of the school year, when I was in a better place weight-wise (not mentally), I would NEVER touch one of these bars, and I longed for the day that I would allow myself to eat peanut butter, and yogurt? YEAH RIGHT! I've eaten pizza and eggs and all of these foods that I wouldn't eat before. So I feel as if I've moved forward mentally (only slightly of course!) but my weight isn't proving that to the doctors. It's extremely frustrating.

I'm sorry about this long post! I'm off to Boston! I'll be bringing my laptop so comments will be read, and I'll try to stay updated- otherwise I'm just going to let loose and enjoy my friends company! (Jaime, we're going to be in the same city! WOOT!)

<3

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Changes

Let me explain my lack of posting...

The last time I came home, I came home to my mom, my dad, my dog, and my bird. That was all that was residing in our household.
However, this time I came home to my mom, my dad, my sister, two cats, a dog, a bird, and a fish. Now mind you, I do not live in a big house by any means. After all, it is only one floor. And I know a lot of people live with many more kids, but I'm just not used to having cats constantly in my face, and someone always around!

As for my sister. Well, last week she called me to say that she was going to be breaking up with her fiance! She's been with him for over 3 years, and they've been living together for almost TWO!! It was completely out of the blue, and I'm still trying to get used to her living at home again, and not seeing him....because he was definitely one of my best friends.

So basically, it's been madness since I came home. My mom is stressed out about the cats because they get into everything, my dad is trying to fix everything that mysteriously broke in our house, my sister is going between work and home and trying to hang out with me every minute of every day, and I'm here just trying to relax for a week! But I must say, I've been eating really well since I got home. I've also been spending a lot of time out of the house with my friends, so I think that maybe this change of routine is actually helping me keep my mind off of myself. Who knows!!!

ALSO

I just wanted to mention this before I run (by run...I mean ERRANDS GALORE!!)
I joined a gym at home today. It's one week free and it's more of a day club sort of thing. They have a jacuzzi and yoga and a fitness center and basically anything you can want! Well...included in that list is also a scale. Now, as you girls probably remember, I gave up weighing myself about a two months ago...mainly because the scale went MIA at school. But it had been a stressful few weeks, but things got easier and I began to follow what I craved, and just tried to listen to my body. And yes, there were times when I OVER ate, and felt guilty (although I try my best not to!). Those were times when I would be worried about gaining (silly...because I need to!!). But I ate things that I never would have imagined eating before (sandwiches on bagels, packs of cookies, big girl clif bars, etc). So knowing that I could weigh myself today made me extremely curious. So I did. And you know what? Two months of NO weighing, and the number didn't budge one bit. Wait...what? ED? You were WRONG!?!? That's a surprise...

This comforted me to a certain extent. I mean, I know I still need to make progress, but auntie flow visited me again this weekend, and I've been eating a lot of fear foods and trying to listen to my body, and all the while I thought "wow, I MUST be gaining weight. I didn't exercise today and I ate SO much". But once again, ED was a bastard (excuse me) and has been lying to me for a good 2 months. Thanks BUD!

Pictures and updates and the whole SHABANG are coming, I promise! But I've got things to do so I'll "see" you girls later! Enjoy your Sunday!!

<3

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Where did it go?!

My motivation to update is MIA! I've been looking everywhere but it's yet to be found!



However!

I did manage to spot just enough motivation to post a few pictures and make a few comments!


=P


FIRST

My roommate told me the other night that she was CRAVING chocolate! So I fixed her this:

Am I good or am I good?!?! Can you believe that she NEVER had oatmeal before I made it for her. Now she will only eat it if I make it!! In this mix:
1 packet instant quaker oats
2/3 cup chocolate soy milk
2 TBS Dark Chocolate Dreams pb (one melted and mixed in, one on top)
A hand full of Mocha M&M's.

SECOND
I have just been CRAVING peanut butter lately, and putting it on everything!
From sandwich thins-


To Vitamuffins-



And even on an apple....which, err, is currently in my stomach.
I haven't had that combo in YEARS, and I forgot how refreshing it was! It's a lot lighter (the way it sits in my stomach I mean!) than having it on bread or in oatmeal!

THIRD
I had a not-so-good incident last night that I thought I would share with you girls. It wasn't self-destructive in any way, but instead it was one of those moments where I was asking myself "what's wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?!" WHILE I was doing it.

Let me explain.

My plan last night was to go to the gym around 4:30 with my friend, then walk over to Yoga around 6. It's a relaxation/breathing/meditation yoga, so I love going there right after a good workout. Then after that I was going to go with my friend to a club meeting that she belongs too.

Well, when I got to the gym around 4:30, they swiped my card and told me that I had a hold on it, and I would need to go to the Bursars office in order to pay before they let me into the gym.
Enter: Anxiety.

I could INSTANTLY feel my chest tighten, and my anxiety RUSHING towards me. This would mess up my whole routine, my ENTIRE plan. I had a plan. Now it was altered and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. So I called my mom and started to get upset at her, and ANGRY at her for this. It wasn't her fault, and I am so embarrassed to admit to this! I got frustrated and ended up hanging up and running across campus to try to pay. But once I was there they said that I needed a credit card in order to pay the fee. So once again I called me mom and started tearing up (oh gosh...) and honestly almost having a panic attack. To make a long story short, she ended up being able to pay it online, but it would take a few hours for my card to begin working again.

Once I realized that I wouldn't be going to the gym, I also realized something extremely important. I wasn't stressing because I couldn't go to the gym (like I would have imagined), I was stressing because my routine was being changed, and the night wasn't going to work out as I had planned.

I ended up calling my friend who was supposed to meet me there, to explain to her why I wasn't there. But turns out she had forgotten her shoes back at her dorm, and was just going to go to the gym after the meeting tonight, so she wouldn't feel rushed. I asked to join her and she (obviously) said of course!
____________
Now, I'm not really sure what I am looking for, in terms of a response or comments. I'm just kind of upset at myself for acting the way that I did...but I know it was my anxiety, and not my eating disorder. My doctor offered to increase my anxiety medication, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. I feel like this is a HUGE road block in my recovery, and I really want it to be minimized as much as possible!

<3

EDITED TO ADD

You girls love your giveaways, I think we ALL know that!! So check out the giveaway going on at Foods That Fit !!!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The most attractive.

Girls, I can't even begin to explain how comfortable I am right now! No, I'm not lounging around in my pj's, or laying in my bed, or even IN my room. Instead, I'm at a little organic dining hall on the other side of campus. It's unlike any other dining hall that I've been! It reminds me of a little, serve-yourself-diner. There are quotes on the walls such as "Food is our common ground, a universal experience" (James Beard) and "Laughter is the brightest where food is best" (Irish Proverb).
I got out of my exam early and had time to kill so I decided to check this place out, and it's SO comfortable here!! I'm just sipping on my...er...3rd cup of coffee, and updating the blog! It's so small and intimate that I'm not the only one on my laptop here!! The plates and mugs look like something I would use at home and...ahhhh I'm in love!! Plus, they serve mainly organic food here and a LOT of vegetarian and vegan food. Although I'm not eating this time around, I will definitely be coming back here!
I did manage to snap a picture for all of you on my phone though. Yes I got weird looks but I just NEEDED to show you gals-

Brace yourself for the Oatmeal Bar!


From top left going clockwise: Craisins, Granola, Chocolate Chips, Raisins, Walnuts, and Brown Sugar. And this is JUST the oatmeal bar, they have peanut butter and apple sauce and maple syrup and anything else you could want, elsewhere.
__________

Just a quick update- last night I had ANOTHER big girl Cliff Bar. And I have NEVER felt so good about it!! It was delicious and honestly..I was still a little hungry afterward! Laura? Hungry? Shocker. =p


And as for B who you are ALL so curious about- I'm not sure what to say!! He's extremely smart, and he's such a sweet heart. He's from Puerto Rico and he's a twin. It funny because he has trouble saying certain words...actually, he can't say Allegory for the life of him (he says "A-Leg-Or-E"). I just feel so comfortable with him, which seems to be the theme of the day huh?! It's nice to feel like that around someone again though. I feel like I can be myself around him, and I am. I think all of you girls would approve =] .
____________________________________
So what's with the title of my post!?
Well, I was watching the bachelor last night (don't even get me STARTED on THAT topic right now. I'm one angry girl!) and my friend Ben was in the room just kind of chilling and doing his homework. He's a wicked big goof, and can turn anything into a joke. Well, I'm not sure exactly what was said on the TV but he looked up and just said
"Those are the three most attractive things about a girl- the eyes, the smile, and the personality"
Wait...what? No weight? No body type, or figure? ED was FURIOUS, but I was quite the opposite. He made my night by saying this. The most attractive things about a girl are the things that are natural- Eyes can say so much, and when you're unhappy it shows. A smile is welcoming and genuine, and basically attractive even in the non-sexual way. I know I am naturally attracted to anyone with a good smile- even just in a friendly way. A smile means happiness, and why wouldn't you want to surround yourself with that? And personality, well we all know how important that is, but sometimes ED makes us focus SO much on other things, that we forget about our most important feature- the one that is hidden from strangers, and in our complete control. We are so so SO much more than this disorder, and sometimes it takes a good friend to make us realize this.

<3

Monday, March 2, 2009

A picture speaks a thousand words.

I just want to start this post by saying that it is a possible trigger, so if you are not completely comfortable reading it, please do not feel obligated.



I know that I said I was going post more pictures of the formal, but once I saw them I wasn't really feeling it. Not only do I look terrible in them (it's not just my low self-esteem talking...I really do!) but I realized that these pictures really highlight a few body parts that remind me that I still have a lot of weight to gain. In fact, this picture in particular scared me a bit-

Now, I'm not sure if this is as bad as I'm making it seem...but I saw this picture and my jaw DROPPED. I was wondering where the hell my arm went?! I became angry at myself for seeing this picture and knowing that I was thinking about eating those stuffed shells all night. WHY was I so concerned about eating a "higher calorie" food when I NEED it?!

I know that I shouldn't be getting upset at myself, especially since I am working towards recovery, but I guess I got more upset at the fact that these pictures could have come out so much better had my arm not looked like this.

I'm sorry for posting this, but it's been bothering me a lot and I just needed to get it out in the open.

Oh...and for all you non-facebook gals who don't already know, I may or may not be in a relationship with this boy:


=)


That's all for this post. I have a snow day but also a LOT of work to do! I love you girls so much...for everything.

<3