Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sporadic Posting.

That seems to be what I've been feeling like doing...so why not?! Writing in this blog isn't a trigger for me, it's reading other blogs. So you may occasionally (or more than occasionally) see updates from me, especially as I enter the Wonderful World of Residential.

As for this post...there are two things that I want to mention.

First and Foremost!
I am trying to compile a list of both music and books to bring with me to the program. I will be putting together a playlist which I will properly call my "Recovery" playlist. I am looking for more mellow music, because when I was at Partial I realized that this type of music is really soothing to both my mind and my soul. Songs like "Why"(the remix) by Annie Lennox and "Only Love Remains" by JJ Heller are sort of what I am looking for. So if you don't mind, could you give those songs a listen and give me any recommendations you can think of? I would really appreciate it!

Also. Books. I always loved reading, but ED doesn't enjoy the whole "being stationary" thing. Well well well! Things are about to change because I have no option at this program (for the most part). Also, seeing as my mom works at a library, I have no excuse to not read! I'm not a huge fantasy person, and by that I pretty much mean I would rather watch grass grow, or watch a full game of cricket, than read a fantasy novel. No offense to all those Cricket players out there! =P. But seriously, my favorite books are those by Chuck Palahniuk and Chuck Klosterman...since when has the name Chuck been so popular!? Anywhew...I'm basically just asking for any recommendations! I would really REALLY appreciate it!! Thanks girls <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

Secondly!

As most of you know, this weekend was a glimpse of summer here in the NorthEast. A tease? Perhaps. But no one said that a tease is always a bad thing. In addition to the wonderful weather, it was also Spring Weekend at UConn- read: a weekend to get completely wasted and not remember anything that happened.

I am the exception.

Instead of going out partying and forgetting my name- I decided to get together with friends and get in touch with nature. We decided to go on a hike- where we proceeded to get lost and sunburnt, but enjoy each others company nevertheless. It was during this time that I realized what I truly live for- nature, friends, being outdoors, etc. Here are some pictures which document the day:




Two funniest guys you will ever meet...I swear.






(Warning...adult content to follow...sort of...)



Come on, how cool is this? You can see the strand of eggs!




That girl is one of my roommates next year, and the boy in the white is her boyfriend. The other boy is his best friend.


Horse Barn Hill...I swear, UConn is NOT completely Hicksville..

Alright, that's all I have for this post! I think today I'm going to grab my camera and go exploring again. My mind is truly at ease when I'm surrounded by nature, and what better than being able to capture the glorious world around and sharing it with others?

<3

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Update.

Hello Hello.
I'm not "back" persay, however I do occasionally feel the need to write in here, and update you girls. So why not right? It's my blog!

Currently, the biggest thing in my life right now is the fact that I will be attending a residential program in Boston in...ur...a little over two weeks. May 11th at noon to be exact. I know a few of you gals have already attended this program- Cambridge Eating Disorder Center- and had luck with it. Why did I decide to make this call? Well, one night I came back from dinner and ALL I could think about was food. I wasn't even hungry, but I couldn't get my mind off of it. Then all of a sudden I remembered a Lindt Chocolate Bar that I had just recently purchased...so I ate it. It was small, don't get me wrong, but I was IMMEDIATELY overwhelmed with guilt and a HUGE drop in low self esteem. I ran to the gym immediately and spent the next few hours there. Because of a chocolate bar. I began crying while laying on a mat, and realized that sometimes it's okay to ask for help.

I then went back to my dorm, and while I was in the "moment" I gave CEDC a call and the lady immediately put me on the list for being admitted the Monday after I leave for school.

The emotions I am feeling are so overwhelming. Part of me is saying to simply give up until then. Others are saying to try to gain weight so I don't need to stay there for very long. So what am I doing? I'm simply trying to live. I'm eating what I want- not trying to gain and not trying to lose. I don't know if it's a good decision, but it's putting my mind at ease until I need to attend this program.

I am terrified.
I am excited.
I am upset.
I am ecstatic.

I want my life back girls. I am sick of weekly doctors appointments and my mother having to worry about me. I am sick of not knowing HOW to eat, of worrying about what and when to eat. I am sick of worrying "oh did I eat too much?!" or coming back from the dining hall saying "damn...I should have eaten more". I am sick of salads for every meal, and being bloated because of diet soda and too many vegetables. I want to feel SATISFIED and NOURISHED. I want strong bones, strong hair, and a smile that RADIATES happiness. THIS is why I am attended this program.

I'm planning on making a list of goals before I attend. Food goals, as well as REGULAR goals.
So far I only have two-
1. Try mac & cheese. (a childhood FAVORITE and a current FEAR food)
2. Learn to express my emotions genuinely. (I'm guilty of throwing a *fake* smile on my face ALL the time. I need to realize that it's okay to tell people how I am really feeling...and even admit it to myself)

Well..it's spring weekend here at UConn, and my sister and her friend are here and we're off to watch Oozeball and then go exploring.
We're crazy college students aren't we? =P

<3

Monday, April 13, 2009

The honest truth.

Hey girls...

I'm back in Connecticut, and I wish I could say that it was an uneventful journey...but it really wasn't. My mom and I had a very tear jerking conversation, in which I discovered a few things.
1. I want to recover for myself, but also for my family. They deserve better.
2. I am obsessed with food. I think about it all the time, I talk about it, I watch it (food network), I read about it (blogs, recipe books, magazines), and I even LEARN about it in my nutrition classes.
3. I have an addictive personality.

So this is going to be the end of this blog for awhile. Not just this blog, but the end of me reading all of your girls blogs. I've debated this NUMEROUS amounts of times, but this time I'm going through with it. Don't take it personally, please! Because every single one of you are so so special, and SO deserve recovery....whichever way works for you! I just spend so much of my life on here, reading and comparing and I just can't do it anymore! I need to separate myself from food..and just live. But as most of you know, I have my facebook link in my profile (I think?!) If not, my name is Laura Carr and I go to UConn! Feel free to add me, just mention that you're from the blog <3

Good luck girls..with everything. Stay in touch, via facebook or ANYTHING! You're all too special to not be in my life!

Friday, April 10, 2009

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Happy (Good) Friday girls! I'm so glad that my last post got so many positive comments! It truly makes me feel 110% sure that I made the right decision to change my major. And actually, I just got an email saying "Congratulations, you have just been accepted to the College of Agriculture and Natural Resources!" So...it's official, I'm a tree-hugging-chicken-loving agriculture student! Holla!

In addition to this, I am also home for the weekend to celebrate easter with the family. I'm going to be completely honest with everyone here. While my eating has been INCREDIBLE, my exercise habits have been quite the opposite. However, I am taking advantage of these next few days of being gym free, and having AMAZING food. I actually just finished dinner, and for the first time in WEEKS, maybe even MONTHS, I am full. Completely and utterly full.

Now, personally Laura is happy about this, but ED is pestering me ENDLESSLY. So I decided that in order to shut him up I would go on the computer at home and look at all the old pictures that we have on here. One thing I realized as I was looking through them was that I have never seen my adult, womanly body at a healthy weight before. My eating became quite disordered when I was only 15, and at that point I still wasn't done "maturing". So I really don't know what I am going to look like once I get my real body back. This is both exciting and terrifying to me. Neither of which is going to stop me from trying my absolute hardest this weekend, and for the rest of my life!

If you girls don't mind, I'm going to post some pictures that I found. They are going to be COMPLETELY random, and I appologize for that. I will be explaining them as I go though...but this is just my way of coping with my little "food baby" I have going on (you know when your stomach pops out cause you ate a lot!?! My friend at school calls it her food baby, and it makes me laugh every time!)

OH and before I begin, I just wanted to explain to you why I haven't been posting pictures of my food. It just seems so much easier to prepare food and eat it, than to put more thought into what it looks like, and what everyone on here will think of it. Is it too much? Is it not enough? Did I eat something with gelatin in it by accident? Enough! I will continute to post pictures of new foods if I'm really excited about it (exception: banana nut odwalla bar! I scarfed it down last night and HOLY COW this tastes exactly like banana bread! Buy it. Eat it. Love it!)

Now onto the jumble of pictures (which may be triggering I appologize), shall we?



A baby squirrel that started climbing my leg! Don't worry though, he made it back to the nest =]


I swear, animals are my therapy. She may look small, and her name may be Princess...but I assure sure, her attitude is NONE of those!

Yes...that's a butterfly and a bumble bee fighting.


My sister's ex, my sister, and me.


Before^

After ^ <3


Okay...this is my freshman year. One year before my eating disorder actually took full force. We came in third in the state I think, for our 400 free relay. I'm standing next to my sister.

Block Island Summer 2007. One year after I was hospitalized. This is after a really tough winter...but I was HAPPY.




Ever wonder what happens when lightning hits a tree? Well, first of all there's the LOUDEST noise you will ever hear. Then all the bark pops off!!

Myrtle Beach Summer 2004


My sister! This is her at the weight that I had always wanted to be. Funny how ED makes me think that it is impossible for me to be this thin, even at 20 pounds less.


The kids I used to babysit! Sam and Max. Children can always put a smile on your face, can't they?!


"Graduation" from middle school. Wasn't I so cool?! With my Grandma!


8th Grade semi. My first dance. Yes...I had glasses AND braces. And acne haha. I was one of those unfortunate gals!


So things I have learned from this tonight:

1. Happiness and weight do not come hand in hand.
2. I was NEVER fat, I am NOT fat, I will never BE fat.

3. Most of all...I WANT TO BE FREE!!!


Monday, April 6, 2009

Experiences

Experiences are what make our lives worth while, aren't they? Everything we do is an experience, and I wanted to make this post mainly a picture recap of experiences I have had over the past few years. Why am I doing this? To remember that life IS worth it. That MY life has been MORE than my eating disorder, and the farther away I get from it- the better off I will be. Two things first though:

1. I am unbelievably enthralled by the number of new reader (and older reader!) comments I have been receiving! Thank you SO much everyone! Every time I get an email about a new comment my face just LIGHTS up!

2. I had an Oikos greek yogurt with my breakfast this morning. Honey to be exact. And HOLY MOLEY I can't believe how amazing it is! I remember Jaime mentioning a few posts ago that she may have liked it better than Chobani, and I yelled at her it! I was so dedicated to my dear Chobs, but girls...I must tell you....this flavor DEFINITELY pulled ahead! It wasy creamy, tart, with the perfect amount of sweetness. And the honey was all at the bottom, which I don't understand WHAT is so appealing to me about getting to stir it all up, but it sure is! I wish I grabbed more than just one of this flavor! Guess I'll just have to buy some more ;-) Oh...and here's a phone picture for your viewing pleasure:




Now to the pictures!

All of these things are what I LIVE for!





























Oh...by the way, I changed my major to Natural Resource Management with a concentration in Wildlife Conservation. Judging by these pictures...I think I made the right decision =]




______________________
(BARNEY BUTTER?!)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

A wonderful wonderful weekend!

Oh girls, why can't EVERY weekend be like this past one?! ED was honestly NON-Existent!! I don't know where he ran off to, but I hope that he stays there! Yesterday was wonderful- my sister and I woke up late, got ready, and headed to Brunch at the dining hall. I ate what I wanted, which included eggs, toast, and peanut butter. Afterwards I was STILL hungry, so I chowed down on a Luna bar.

While shopping, however, I decided to try on a bikini- pretty much just to see how my tattoo would look with it. As I stared in the mirror I couldn't believe what I saw. Because truth be told, it wasn't me. My sister asked me to come out and show her and I refused. It was then that I realized that I don't like this body. If I am too ashamed to show my sister my bathing suit, how will I be able to go to the beach and enjoy myself this summer?! It's impossible! So for the rest of the day when I felt hungry and began thinking of the lowest calorie things to eat, I stopped for a second and remembered that girl looking back at me in the mirror.

Needless to say that the rest of my day included Lara bars, a panera bread bagel (for a snack!), coffee ice cream, a "calorie-mystery" bean salad, and lots and lots of peanut butter. But you know what? I felt WONDERFUL! My sister is SUCH a good role model when it comes to food! At dinner last night we sat with a bunch of people who were talking about the high number of calories in the Whoopie Pie that they were all eating. My sister also had one, and didn't CARE about it! Afterwards she went to see how many calories were in it, and shrugged her shoulders and said "it was worth it". And trust me...she meant it! That wasn't the end of her eating for the rest of the night =P

I wish I could go into more detail about my weekend, but let's just say that not only did I AVOID the gym, I also avoided all school work =]. Oh..I'm such a good college student!

Have a wonderful Sunday evening girls!!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Family weekend.

Well..not really. But my sister is coming in about 45 minutes and we are spending the entire weekend gossiping and shopping and being sisters and best friends! <3 I truly can not wait.

Just a few pictures to keep you gals going.


"Kid-Tested, LAURA-Approved!"


Sweet P's, Chobs, CC, LC, Hummus (notice there are shorter versions of everything but hummus? Also..LC=LaughingCow=LauraCarr) =]


I was one of the lucky ones to receive this coupons! I just purchased some Vanilla and Honey Oikos, so I'll be doing a review as soon as I give it a taste!


Free samples and a flier for LunaFest. My school hosted one last Wednesday, but I went to a memorial instead.
By the way, did anyone notice that the ingredients in the peanut butter chocolate Luna Cookie and the PB Z-bar are basically identical +/- an ingredient or two!?

As for me...I've been doing okay. School is still stressful, and I had another not-so-good appointment due to that stress. But this past week has been AMAZING food-wise, and I'm going to be confident going to that appointment on Monday!

Have a wonderful weekend girls!!

<3