Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Hey girls!
Wow, I can't believe that it's already my second week of being here, and yet I've only posted one or two times! I'm sorry about that, things are just really hectic here as you can imagine. But I'm going to try my best to keep you all as updated as possible.

This past week has been pretty touch and go. The weekend was pretty hard- there was a lot of drama around the center, with girls using behaviors, girls refusing to admit that they have a problem, and just simply RC's and patients not getting along. I guess this can all be expected, but it was really tough on the girls who weren't involved. This is supposed to be a place of comfort and support, yet when there is screaming and crying and "I want to die"s being thrown around- sometimes memories arise and feelings get hurt. But we all made it through, which is what truly counts.

As for me personally. Well, I had been doing really well until last night. I had a family meeting yesterday and we talked about increasing my meal plan which I was okay with. However, it is increasing much faster than I expected. We run on 8 meal plans here, and usually they are increased every 3-4 days on average. So I started on meal plan one, and then 3 days later went up to 2, and then yesterday I began 3. Well, today I am going to be starting meal plan 4, and by friday I will be on meal plan 5. MP 6 will begin next week, which is a lot for me to handle. I mean, I do think that I'm ready, but my body is just trying to get used to it. On top of it all dinner last night was ENORMOUS, and afterwards I just laid in my bed and cried. That's the first time that has happened since I got here, and although I felt absolutely terrible about myself, and about having to have people comfort me and talk to me- it also felt good to just express how I was truly, and genuinely feeling. No more masks.

This morning I woke up in a somewhat better mood. I'm not hungry at ALL for breakfast, which is in 15 minutes, but I just need to suck it up and move forward! I haven't gained much at all since being here, which is actually bumming me out since my therapist said that is all they are waiting on. Once my weight is up to par then I am stepping down to partial. Until then, I just need to be patient. It's funny how part of me just wants to snap my fingers and weigh a healthy weight, and the other part is happy that it's taking awhile. I guess for now, living in the moment is the best thing I can do.

On a happier note, I was able to pursuade my therapist to let me have a home pass on Saturday, which is AMAZING! I can't wait to just go home for the day. I'm such a baby when it comes to not being home, so this will be really good. Also, Saturday night is Burrito and Smoothie night, and let's just say that last Saturday that caused a HUUUGGEEE ruccus around here, so being MIA for that this week is giving me a sense of relief.

Other than that I'm doing pretty well. Just trying to live in the moment, and keep occupied which I have been doing a pretty good job doing. I'm making bracelets, mixed CD's, positive affirmations, doing puzzles, reading, and just hanging out with the girls here (who are all absolutely incredible and inspirational, let me tell ya!).

Well, 12 minutes and counting until breakfast. I'm off to try and get excited about it =P

Love you gals!!!
<3

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

CEDC- Day2

I think I typed the first paragraph about 5 times, and didn't like the way any of them came out. I think I'm just going to type without thinking- whatever comes out, comes out...and thats the end.

My breakdown made a very small appearance...an appearance-ette if you will. I woke up this morning frustrated with not being home and not being able to do my morning ritual, which MAY include "going to the bathroom" (inappropriate everywhere besides an ED center, let me tell you!). So I was a bit uncomfortable, and not the least bit hungry which I hate. But I finished all my meals and my snacks, and was therefore allowed to go on outing today- which was basically just a walk around Harvard Square. But it was just so nice to be outside, and see people just living their day-t0-day lives. I'm definitely an avid people watcher, so this was the perfect situation.

In addition to being outside, I finally met with my case manager and dietician today. I was completely honest with them about over-exercising and what I typically eat. It's so funny how it seems like so much more when I'm eating it, but then having to repeat it to a nutritionist I realize how unhealthy it really was. I explained that I'm not quite as terrified of food as a lot of girls here are, and I don't really retrict in extremely unhealthy ways...I'm just stuck in a rut and want my life back. They seemed really happy to hear that, and told me that there's a lot of hope for my future, which obviously brightened my day! Also, I'm completely off bathroom restrictions, which is almost unheard of on the first day someone is here. But I have no bulimic tendencies and really just want to pee in peace and quiet =]

Dinner was really difficult for me. I mean, physically I just ate it like it was no big deal, but it was a little rough mentally. In a way I was relieved to feel this way because now I know that I'm not just putting up a wall to hide everything. The feelings are still there, but I'm just pushing through them. It also feels amazing to just feel satisfied and not worry about when the next meal is, or what it's going to be. As my friend Tara JUST said, I'm finally "letting go" and it's terrifying but relieving at the same time. I never thought I would be okay with this, but so far I am. I know as my meal plan increases things will get more difficult, but I'm ready for a challenge and I'm trying my hardest to enter that increase in a fairly good place, mentally.

I wish I had some pictures for you girls! But before I go, I'll leave you with this heartwarming photo:





=]

p.s. they don't allow oatmeal/peanut butter combo here. Blasphemy!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Aren't I lucky?

Although yes, I am settling in here at CEDC, and my parents and everyone around me are being extremely supportive, I'm feeling EXTRA lucky because my room is close enough to the lounge where the wifi is that I can lay in bed and still manage to get the internet (sometimes).

I'm really exhausted...but I wanted to update everyone and say that I am okay. I'm settling in, and doing OKAY. So far there haven't been any tears...well, the occasional drip or two from listening to a sad song, but otherwise I have been absolutely emotionless. It scares me in a way, because every other time I have been to a treatment center of any kind, I am QUITE a ball of waterworks and emotions. But this time-nothing.

Actually, that held true for about 99% of my day- the only time it didn't was when I was on the phone with my mom. I held back any sign of weakness, or sadness, and just chatted away. For some reason when I don't know how to express myself, or I'm feeling stressed or upset- I joke about it. You may have realized this from my entries...or maybe not, but it's how I cope with things and I truly wish I had a better way. I wish I was comfortable enough to be like "yes, I am terrified of going. I am scared of challenge foods and losing control." but instead I tell people not to be surprised if the next time they see me I'm fatter than I am now. It's so aggravating because as it's coming out of my mouth all I can think of is how I'm giving the other person such a wrong impression of what it's like to have an eating disorder. SO many of my friends were like "oh...you still have that?" like it's a cold that I simply can't shake. But I can only blame myself for that since I don't allow myself to open up. I guess that's just something that needs working on.

Otherwise my day went well. There was a cooking class today and we made quiche. It felt AMAZING to taste REAL food again...but the entire time I was eating I was just like "guilt? where ARE you!?" but it was nowhere! I watched girls fool around with there food, some girls not even eating- but I was fine. Normally I would feel terrible about this, ED would be screaming in my ear about how I'm not sick enough to be here. Instead, I had hope- I am already in a better position than these girls. I CAN and WILL get my life back- and I'm in exactly the right place to do that.

Alright, it's bedtime for this old grandma! I'll keep you girls updated on here, and thank you a MILLION times for all the support and encouragement in my last post. Things ARE going to change...but I'm ready. SO ready.

<3

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Reality.

Hey girls- happy Saturday!

I'm not sure if this post is going to be triggering at all. So just to be safe, I'm going to say that it MIGHT be.

I know that I hear a lot of you girls talk about how many "looks" you got and comments you received when you were underweight. Well, I was never really one of those girls who got those comments, for a few reasons. 1. I ALWAYS wear sweatshirts and baggy pants. 2. I lift weights, so I have a lot of muscle which gives my body SOME kind of shape.
Well, I guess part of the reason that treatment was always something that I pushed off was because I didn't get these comments. I knew the scale and my doctors said I was underweight, but I had no outside confirmation.
This changed very fast.
I'm currently at my lowest weight, and as the cold weather becomes something of the past- so do the sweatshirts. In fact, just last night I was at my friends house playing pool and I got a little warm. I decided to take off my sweatshirt and the moment I did, my friends uncle (who yes, was drunk) said "I haven't been that skinny since I was 11!". Uhhh...awkward. Seeing as he wasn't a girl when he was 11. But also because now everyone's attention was drawn towards me- and I don't know these guys very well (besides my sister, they were all guys older than 21). After I took my [pathetic] shot, I quickly put my sweatshirt back on.
It was just such an eye opener for me. I've gotten the stares, but I never really asked myself WHY they were looking. I don't want to be "that skinny girl". I want to be "that fun, full-of-life girl!". I want to get stared at because I walk by with confidence and stature: not because my legs are thin.

Another "confirmation" I received was actually from a nurse. It was extremely unprofessional, and totally uncalled for- but it happened and she can't take it back.
I was getting blood-work done for Cambridge while I was at school, and as she was taking it she looked at my arm and was like "girl your arm is so skinny! Do you eat?!?!".
I'm not quite sure what she was expecting me to say. "No..no I don't."? Well, if that were the case would she go buy me lunch?
Instead, I laughed and said "yeah...but I'm getting blood work done for a reason". And ended it there.

The thing that frustrates me is that I do eat...I eat a lot. Over these past few months my eating disorder has definitely transformed. I mean, an ED is an ED- I still count calories and have fear foods and isolate myself, yaddi yadda. But I eat fear foods...and a lot of them. But then I go to the gym. For hours. Anorexia turned Exercise Bulimia? Perhaps. But a label is a label, and regardless...I need help.

And help is on it's way. In TWO days I'll be in treatment. It's terrifying. I've cried my eyes out to my mom, telling her that we need to find a different way. But she has stayed strong, something she hasn't done in the past, and instead told me that we would get through this.
Breakdown- check.
Now it's on to the GOOD stuff.
I am determined. I am ready. I am relieved.
That last one plays a HUGE role in my "excitement factor".
I can't wait to go to this program and no longer have to stress about when I'm eating, what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising, if I over-ate or under-ate. It's taken care of. I'm throwing the white flag in, I'm surrendering. My life is in their hands.

Kath told me last night that I need to be the best recoverer, NOT the best anorexic.
Well girls...it looks like you have some competition for the best recoverer =P

My friend Tara also sent me over 60 songs to listen to, and add to my recovery playlist. I just wanted all of you to give one of the songs a listen. It's already helped me immensly, and hopefully it will do the same.
It's called Courage is.. by The Strange Familiar


Peace. ☮

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Author: Unknown.

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.