Saturday, June 20, 2009

SLUUUURRRP

Yes, that's the noise I just made as I finished my iced coffee.
The iced coffee that I drove myself to get.
The iced coffee that I have been missing for the past 6 weeks.
That's right girlys...I'm home.

I'm not completely finished with the program. Yesterday I stepped down to the partial program where I will be commuting to Boston 3-5 days a week to attend the program which runs 9:30-3:30. I think I can handle it.

I'm having a little trouble with body image right now, but besides that and the meal plan...I'm doing GREAT! I've never been SO happy to get home...I thought I was going to cry. Saying goodbye to some of those girls was heartbreaking, but I know that a few of them will be stepping down to partial within the next week as well, so I will get to see them for a little longer.

I'll be honest with you girls- I almost signed myself out on Wednesday. Anxiety and the weight gain got the best of me, and I was only seconds away from doing it. But I didn't. My parents stayed tough and convinced me to stay one more night. I'm telling you- some of the best advice I can give to you girls is to sleep on it. I woke up the next morning able to see clearly once again, and pushed myself through 2 more days.

I'm still not done gaining weight, which is really stressing me out. I'm at 90% of my ideal weight, but they want me at 95%. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle that. I was wondering if any of you girls had any ideas for coping skills regarding body image? I really need some!

Also, look what I came home to yesterday:



My mom is such a sweetheart. And although some of those may not be true (ie. good at drawing) it was still a sweet gesture =]

Well...I'm off to drown myself in some mindless television.
Have a great Saturday girls!!
<3

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Update time!

So girls, I promised you an update so here it is! I am sad to report, however, that this update isn't exactly what I imagined it was going to be. A few days ago I was under the impression that I would be stepping down to partial today, but my weight has decided to do funny things so I am going to be staying here until next week sometime. At first I was extremely upset, but looking bad and thinking rationally about it- I think it's for the best. I've been going home at least one day every weekend, which has been nice. Stressful...but nice. This weekend I'll be going home both days, but returning here at night. That way I will have a safe, supportive environment to return to.

As for the previous 4.5 weeks...things have been up and down, but surprisingly more up than down! I'm absolutely BLOWN away by how slowly my body has been gaining weight. I won't use numbers, but let's just say it's been very VERY slow. My body has been using all the extra energy for self-repair, which I just need to accept. If I were to be gaining at the upper-level that they wanted, I would have only had to be here for roughly 2-3 weeks. But I'm on my 5th week right now, and I'm still waiting for the weight. It's incredible how much our bodies can actually take in and use without having to store.

As for body changes- it's touch and go. I have days where I am like "Oh...so THAT'S where all the weight went" but I have other days when I'm confident in my own skin...which simply NEVER happens when I'm wrapped up in my eating disorder.

In regards to energy levels. Let me just say one thing- WOW. I am feeling like a completely different person...but different in regards to what I was like during my eating disorder. I feel like I'm discovering my true self. And as cliche as that sounds, it's completely true. I'm learning to be ME. Actually...not even LEARNING, just doing.

And holy hell girls- I can LAUGH again!! And not like a little "I'm snickering because I know I should be" but instead a "my stomach hurts so much and I can't breathe or stop laughing and I just don't know why!!" It's amazing. It's miraculous. It's every other adjective that means INCREDIBLE!!

I have learned so many things while being here, and I plan on sharing so much with everyone here (if you all want to hear it of course!). It's helped me immensely and I've begun to realize how much journaling really helps me. I never thought that writing things down that will never be read would actually help, but it does. My pen hits the paper and word-by-word my worries begin to disappear. Well, not so much disappear as dwindle and become less apparent. It's nice. It's relieving. Gosh, this whole experience has been LIBERATING!

I can honestly say however, that a few weeks ago I probably wouldn't be able to say all of this. It's tough, there's no doubt about it. But looking back on my experience, it has been unlike no other. I am changing, and I am okay with that. I've learned about radical acceptance and positive self-talk, and I've met some of the most AMAZING people while being here (amazing seems to be a reoccuring word, doesn't it?) OH and how funny is it that I'm roommates with a girl who has the same last name as me?! We're basically the same person =P

So I leave you with a few last funny pictures...for kicks...for giggles...for the hell of it.
I'll be updating more as soon as possible.
Goodnight girlies!!







<3

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I haven't forgotten!

Girls, I just wanted to stop by and say thank you to EVERYONE for your loving words, support, and encouragement. It was appreciated ENDLESSLY! I will be back as SOON as I can to give you all a full update. But until then: