Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I got a feelingggg

Have you girls heard that song by the Black Eyed Peas?? If so NOW!

This is sort of the song that has been keeping me going over the past few days. It's just so upbeat and makes me want to go outside and DANCE and be FREE!
I forgot how much music affects me.. was yet another doctor day. However, unlike the last appointment which brought me to tears and felt like the doctor had handed me a package of hopelessness, this appointment gave me hope. My weight went up a little bit, and although initially I was a bit freaked out by the concept of gaining weight on my own, I was able to rationalize. I was driving home and ED began bashing me on how I have been overeating, and I need to start cutting back and reverting back to my old ways, and skipping snacks etc etc. Yet, in the middle of his little lecture, I held up a STOP sign. I basically was like "woahhhh ED! Shut up!!!". I began thinking about the past week, and thinking about how I have been so much more social, and so much more involved with things in my life. I've been going out and talking and being creative. My thoughts haven't been 100% focused on food, and it scares me sometimes...but at the same time, it excites me. I began thinking about all of my goals and everything I want to accomplish in life. I began thinking about volunteer work that I want to do this year at school, and studying abroad and travelling and making a difference in other people's lives, instead of just focusing on mine. And all of these goals and aspirations completely outweighed the importance of a couple extra pounds. They aren't even EXTRA pounds, they are HEALTHY and NEEDED pounds.

So here I sit. Ready for the future. Excited by the fact that school is no longer out of the picture. And possibly even more excited that I don't need to see the doctor for two weeks, as opposed to the usual weekly appointments =P

Monday, July 27, 2009

There is greener grass.

Not literally. But all of your comments allowed me to realize that this isn't going to last forever. It's just a part of recovery- getting back into "real" life. Something incredible happened on Saturday though. I was having a rough day (as most of you already know), but I had planned on going to my friends party that night and I was sick and tired of always canceling on my friends because I would "rather" sit at home and do nothing. Getting out of my comfort zone is difficult for me, but I am SO glad I did that night.

It was a very simple party. There was alcohol, which is something that I usually avoid because of the empty calories. But I decided on Saturday that I was tired of not including myself in things simply because of my ED. So I drank. Not too much, but not too little either =P I wouldn't say I got drunk, but I was close. I played pong and snacked on pretzels and blow-pops, and LAUGHED. Like an ACTUAL teenager, I was having fun and felt like myself. And it wasn't JUST the alcohol talking, because I knew I had to drive home so I stopped drinking early, and even as the buzz was wearing off I was still being a social little butterfly. It was wonderful.

Bee Tee Dubs: I am pretty good at pong if I do say so myself =P

The next day (yesterday) I woke up in the most AMAZING mood. I made a goal for myself- to focus on the day and the things I wanted and love to do instead of the food. It was a challenge for sure, but I did it. I even managed to get some more of my wall collage finished.

(if you look in the bottom left corner there's a picture that says "I am not a number." It may or may not be a cell phone add. But same effect right?

As for today...I have hope. I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and keep myself occupied with other things, including sun-bathing, music listening, and simply living (I saved a turtle and 6 frogs!)

Two thumbs up!!!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sometimes honesty IS the best policy

I'm going to warn you girls...this post MIGHT be a little on the negative (and triggering) side. I never know how it's going to turn out when I start typing, so I figured a forewarning would be for the best.

I've been trying to figure out how I've been feeling recently, and I guess the only way to describe it is:

Consumed and defeated

Okay okay, I know that's no way to look at things...but let me explain a little bit to you.

Last Monday I went to the doctors for my normal weekly weight-in. I knew I didn't have a very good week, but I didn't realize HOW bad of a week I had truly had. When the doctor came in she told me that I wasn't far from where I was when I was admitted to CEDC.

Fast forward two days.

I'm at ANOTHER doctors appointment to get my annual EKG done of my heart (just a precaution....things run in my family). Well, the tech weighed me and I asked her if I could have a blind weigh-in. She agreed and said that she would tell the doctor not to tell me what I weighed. Now...I LISTENED to her tell the doctor not to say anything...but I knew from past experience that she was going to blurt it out once she entered the exam room.
And she did.
The number scared me. I was considerably lower than I believed I had been, and that's WITH a full bladder and all my clothes. In addition to this, I know the number that my doctors want me at before I go to school, and I know that there is no way (physically...because of my past history of slow weight gain) that I will reach it.

HOWEVER. (you girls know me...there's ALWAYS a HOWEVER)
My nutritionist and I came up with a "game plan" and so far I think I'm doing pretty well. It worries me though, because I told her what I had been eating and she added to that...but I don't even know if THAT'S enough at this point. So even if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be, I may still be going in the opposite direction.

So defeated? Maybe not DEFEATED. Just a little disappointed in myself, and "stuck" at the moment.

But as for consumed...
This has been my biggest struggle recently, even more so than actual food intake. All I think about is food, all I read about is food, and all I WANT to talk about is food. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to go to a party and not be able to think about anything else, it's frustrating to finish a meal and still want to eat just for the hell of it but instead just think about the next time I'm going to eat and what I'm going to eat and how I'm going to eat it.

I am tired of living to eat. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and thinking about my meals for the day. I'm tired of having my mood determined by how much I ate, or WHAT I ate, and I'm tired of associating being home with eating. I'm tired of not being able to focus on anything besides my meals or snacks or body or what everyone else is eating or EVERYTHING that has to do with food. I'm just TIRED of it!

I've been trying to use distractions, but while I'm doing those distractions I end up thinking about food. I try stopping myself from thinking about it, but part of me LIKES to. I just want to go to a family party and enjoy myself because of what we're doing, or seeing my family. I feel like I'm letting my life pass me by...and I'm perfectly aware that it's happening.

I need advice. Please?!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Beach hair!

Isn't beach hair the best?! It's so crazy, but a controlled sort of crazy. See!?:

I've been afraid of wearing a bathing suit in public for some time now. But when my sister had the spontaneous idea of going to the beach-I couldn't say no! So my sister, my friend and I all spent the day lying in the sun yesterday...and it was one of the best days I've had in a long time. For some reason it's scary for me to have people looking at me- especially guys. I'm not sure why exactly. Perhaps it's my past coming to haunt me, but regardless- I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and only good came from it. Maybe this is a sign of what's to come?!

I'm also slowly getting back on my feet after a couple of rough days. My intake was not what it should have been, and even though I was aware of it- I couldn't seem to fix it. But after a few good days, I can see my depression taking a backseat and Laura taking the wheel. It's quite a liberating feeling- being in control. Scary, of course...but life is going to be scary sometimes.

I'm in the middle of typing up an extremely long list of things to be happy about. Just a warning. It may be overwhelming =P

ALSO (wow my head is ALL over the place this morning!) I never got around to thanking each and every one of you for the comments you have been leaving. They are appreciated to the MAX I assure you. Every time I get an email alerting me of a new comment I get so excited and read it word for word. They mean so much to me and offer so much advice and inspiration. So thank you so very much =)

I hope everyone has a BEAUTIFUL day today! Be yourself, and just believe.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I. Am. Done. !!!!

With CEDC that is!! I was officially discharged from partial on Friday, and as happy as I thought I would be- I am equally as terrified
. There is no more structure for me. I am on my own, and even though I learned numerous amounts of coping skills, I am still nervous for what my future holds.

With that being said- I am also extremely excited! All during my stay at residential I would tell people (and myself) that I can't wait to get back to my life. I wished that I could just hit a fast forward button and have it be the end of treatment where I was home and living my life. I am. I have a full week ahead of me....filled with nothing but my life. I almost don't know what to do with myself. I guess I figu
red that at this point I would be in a much different place. I thought I would no longer be counting calories or worried about meals, but the truth it- I still am. It's not as extreme or obsessive as it used to be, but I still feel lost when it comes to meals.

My parents have been so great about it though. My mom always makes sure I'm okay with the things she makes, and asks me to do things because she knows I have trouble getting my mind off of food or my body or anything having to do with an ED. Today we actually went to AC MOORE and picked up paint by numbers to do together! Ahhh I'm such a momma's girl. But hell- I'll take it! I have so many things that I want to do, most of which are some form of arts and crafts. I just need to be able to motivate myself enough to say "Okay...I need to stop thinking about food and start thinking about life. I need to live and then eat, not eat and make time to live." It's such a hard thing to do, but I kn
ow I have it in me to do it. It's going to be tough, there is no doubt in my mind. But I am done with this. With treatment, with my ED. With ALL of that! I have been repeating "I'm done with this shit" over and over in my head when I begin getting wrapped up in thoughts, and girls- it sure does help!

We're grilling tonight, and I am so excited. The sun is out, and air is warm, and I'm home. For good.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'm doing this.

Girls, I've never felt SO empowered in my life. I remember Jaime mentioning that sometimes we think we want to recover, but we aren't ALL in. At first I didn't really understand what she was saying...because as far as I was concerned, I was doing all that I needed to do to recover- and I truly wanted to. But I was only lying to myself. I still found myself addicted to the gym, unable to eat real meals, and calorie counting beyond belief.

Then I went to CEDC.

And now, here I sit, 110% IN. I'm IN recovery, and that's exactly where I want to be. I look back now and feel a sense of sadness and anger when I think about what I put my body through. I know that I shouldn't be looking backwards on the past, but it's tough because it was such a huge struggle. It feels good though to know that I am sitting here with a much clearer head on my shoulders, and a healthier way of living. I am no longer a hypocrite- I am voicing to everyone the importance of recovery AS I'm in it myself. I feel strong, empowered, untouchable. It's exhilarating. Who knew?

I have a lot of things I'm planning on sharing with you girls once I find the time to sit down and type. As I said in my previous entries- I've been finding myself journaling a lot recently. But there are a few things I have written that I think you girls would appreciate, so when I have time I'm going to type them out. Perhaps word-for-word, perhaps paraphrased. Who knows?! But I believe that hearing them could not only help you, but help me- simply by rereading and getting feedback.

Until then, I wanted to share with you something that I shared with a girl who's also suffering from an ED. She mentioned that she currently doesn't have the motivation to recover, and was wondering what helped me find it. So I sent her this:
Finding the motivation to recover is definitely one of the hardest things to do. It took me over 3 years to finally say "I'm fucking done with this!" Really, I had no choice. I was already medically affected- I have osteopenia and TERRIBLE circulation. I was at a low weight, but because of my muscle mass I wasn't necessarily DEATHLY thin. But it wasn't really the weight that made me realize I needed to change. It was the fact that I hadn't genuinely laughed in so long, and I was tired all the time, and I wasn't making friends because I spent all my time at the gym. And the hardest part to get over are the thoughts- the negative self talk, the constant thought about food and weight and body. I mean...we have ONE life and I was wasting it and taking it for granted. I realized that I have goals and aspirations- all of which could not be attained while using my behaviors. It was also hurting my family and my friends (the few of which I had since my life was revolved around my ED). I realized that I wanted to look like Laura, NOT my eating disorder.

I feel myself wanting to help others more than ever now, but I also need to be focusing on myself. It's hard sometimes to find a balance between offering others advice, and taking my own. But currently, I think I found a "happy place" where I can be helping others, AND myself.

Until next time gals!

(be goofy!)