Actually...it's probably not THE post. I believe tomorrow's post will be more interesting, seeing as it's the post that is going to tell everyone whether or not I will be attending college next SATURDAY. I'm terrified out of my mind as to how my doctor's appointment is going to go tomorrow morning. Let me explain why...
Last week I packed my bags, and hopped a plane to Mizzou. Isn't Missouri so...unique...? Okay, okay. So aside from going to see the beautiful scenery...I went to go see this beauty:
Don't you worry, she doesn't really wear those glasses. We both had a shot too many of tequila, and this was the result. Clearly she is affected a bit more than I am =P
Well. Things didn't work out QUITE as expected. She told me that she would buy a few "essentials" for me (ie. peanut butter, soy milk, and bread) however, none of that was purchased. In fact...she hadn't even MOVED IN to her apartment when I got there. She wasn't prepared, and I wasn't prepared for her being unprepared. So although I would love to say that I took on that challenge like a CHAMP, I didn't. I knew what was best for me, and ended up leaving a few days earlier. It was fun while it lasted though!
I did come home to quite a nice surprise however:
Yep, that's right...RUDI'S products!! I was in CARB heaven!! I've only ever had the honey wheat bagels, and was OVERLY excited to receive these free samples! So far I've tried the multigrain oat bread (which tastes strikingly similar to Panera's Honey Wheat bread), the spelt tortilla's, and the cinnamon raisin bagels. My opinion? Thumbs up...and up...and up...and up!! The tortilla's ESPECIALLY! I am pretty picky when it comes to tortilla/wraps, and have had trouble finding (non-low carb) wraps that aren't too hard, but aren't too soft. Although these are on the smaller side, the nutritionals definitely make up for it, plus that just means I can taste the components of the wrap more! I highly recommend!
Over the past few weeks, I've also made a couple new friends...
Old Wessex and I caught up a bit after a brief hiatus...
And then I introduced the two!!
Fact: I've never cooked bananas in my oats before. Reason: as much as I SAY it's because eating bananas makes my bathroom trips a bit too infrequent (TMI???), it's ACTUALLY because they are a bit of a fear food for me. But the moment the aroma of cooking oats, cinnamon, and banana hit my nostrils I knew I would never look back.
In addition to the banana...the smoothie and I have gotten a bit closer than usual (actually, there is no USUAL. We've been introduced again after a very long period of smoothie-less living). A container of chobs, a cup of frozen berries, and a splash or two of vanilla soymilk= thick as molasses, purple bliss (eaten with a spoon of course!).
Something else I've been enjoying is our newly enclosed patio! It's still being beautified...however it's such a great place to enjoy the outdoors without sweating like a beast!!
And lastly, before dinner is consumed, I wanted to show you a couple of my family members! Ciara- she's got a whole lotta fur, and nearly no personality. She can chase a laser like it's her job, and prides herself in her ability to lay down with such force we're surprised she doesn't break the floor.
Jasmine: she's the social butterfly. The one that's always hungry, and has no idea that there is a line running straight down her face. She squeaks when she meows and will knead your chest until there's blood.
Sophie: the one with big talk but absolutely no game. She's a spaz, but a cuddler. She cries when she's happy, and barks at anything that moves. Her ears are too big for her head, and her head is too small for her body.
Well...I'm off. I hope you enjoyed this lengthy post. The rest of my night includes dinner, a movie, and a whole lot of melatonin (for without this...my stress level would make for the longest, sleepless night I will ever have). Tomorrow morning my future will be determined. Wish me luck.
This is mainly for my benefit, however hopefully it will have a positive effect on most of you. There will be a pretty packed post coming along eventually...I just need to find the time (read: motivation) to complete it =]
6/5/2009--Week 4 @ CEDC
Recovering from an Eating Disorder is quite an interesting thing. Here I am, spending 4 weeks of my life trying to relearn something that was originally innate. We come into this world, each and every one of us, subconsciously knowing that we need food. Yet here I am relearning how to do something that keeps us alive. But I guess it's more than that. I've always believed that life is all about the details--the fine print. So yes; I am here to learn how to eat properly and healthily again, but I am also learning so much more. I'm learning about balance in all aspects. I'm learning about myself- my body, and my mind- my likes and my dislikes. Having an Eating Disorder took away most of my opinions about things. There were only two types of foods: the acceptable foods, and the unacceptable foods. I was to like all acceptable foods and dislike all unacceptable foods. But now...now I'm learning that there are foods that I actually genuinely dislike--and vice versa. It sounds so silly, but the idea of this excites me. In addition to food, I'm learning so many other things that I enjoy doing--writing and journaling being one of them. These have become such outlets for me. Anger, sadness, frustration, and even confusion all seem to be swept away the moment my pen touches the paper. I feel like a child at times, and an adult at other times. Here I am spending my days learning about structure and balance, and spending my free time coloring, making bracelets, writing, collaging- all things that I associate with children. But I like it, which is all that matters. On the other hand I am slowly feeling more powerful and more in control of my life. I am learning about my strengths, my weaknesses ,my necessities, and my abilities. I am making peace with my family, slowly, and choosing to make the best out of what I have. I am learning that it's okay to put myself first, and say no to someone. I'm learning that assertiveness does not need to be agressive. Nor passive. Assertiveness can be a mixture of both- found in the middle. Speaking of finding something, I've recently found my laughter. No longer do I laugh because I think I should. Now I laugh because I am happy and simply because I CAN! I laugh until I'm out of breath and my stomach hurts. I laugh out of desire- simply and genuinely. I also found my confidence. Where it's been all my life is beyond me, but I do know that it's slowly arising each and every day. I find myself walking with my head held higher and no more assumptions (or cares for that matter) that people are judging me or looking down at me. If they are- so be it. It's their choice to judge, not mine, and I have no control over them- only over myself. Recovery isn't easy, it it isn't fun. But it IS life changing, and 100% worth the battle.
I know that you're having a hard time staying positive right now, especially with the tension and stress that seems to surround you. But you're strong and you'll make it through. Just remember that you are your own person, and you don't need to wait for everyone around you to change as well- because you ARE changing, and that's okay. It may be new and uncomfortable right now, but just keep in mind that new things become old things, and new behaviors become old habits. You can already tell that you are slowly becoming more and more comfortable with food, which is HUGE! Don't get scared of that-- get excited!! Embrace these new feelings and emotions, because they are meant to be enjoyed. With every bite you take, that's one more bite closer to happiness and freedom. It may be hard to imagine right now, but trust me (your positive and clear-thinking voice) that it WILL pay off. You are more than a number on a scale of the shape of your body- you are a combination of so many ideas, and a countless number of unique traits. You are capable of so many things, and with every person you meet, you are changing their life in some way. You may never save the world- but you can save somebodies world...only if you stop hating yourself and your body and start putting that attention and effort into things that you love. Take advantage of the time you have here, and use it wisely. Focus on your dreams, your aspirations- not what you're having for lunch that day. Comfort others but also comfort yourself- you deserve it. Tell someone you love them, but only after you tell yourself the same thing. Write letters, draw, be creative, prove to yourself and to others that your body can be used for fun and imaginative things- not just self starvation. You are SO much more than your eating disorder, and although 3 years have passed where your life seemed to be stuck, there is so much more in your future. Use your potential to make the most out of the rest of your life. The future starts now. Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it also wasn't meant to be this hard. Realize this, understand this, and learn how to balance things in your life. You are never going to make everyone happy- and that's okay. Just try your very hardest to do what you feel is right, or necessary, take action- then move on. Life isn't stopping or standing still, so why should you spend your time stuck on one thought? Your mind is capable of so much more than calorie-counting or worrying about such unsubstantial things. Instead, push those thoughts aside and think a new thought- a unique thought. Listen to music that makes you feel good, watch movies that make you laugh. Go to the river, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and tell yourself-
I just wanted to thank whoever posted anonymously to my last post (which has been removed). I appreciate the honesty and don't want anyone to ever feel as if they can't tell me when something bothers them. But please, never be afraid to include your name because I would never get upset over something like that. I appologize SO much if that post bothered anyone... =/
So you want to go swimming with me when we get back? Sure! I lost my old swimming partner so just let me know =) Ok cool. I'm just warning you I'm really bad now. I'll swim one lap and be tired! Haha it's okay. I haven't done ANYTHING all summer. Wow...so you must be HUUUGGGEEE now!
FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm still ME. I'm not HUGE. Even if I was HUGE, it doesn't matter. It pisses me off that he KNOWS what I am going through. But he really has NO idea. FUCK THAT SHIT! You know what I'm doing tomorrow? Not measuring. Anything. (Except coffee and oats...) No more tablespoons and quarter cups. Only my eyes. My hands. And my belly.
This is going to be a quick one. I just wanted to show you girls what the lovely Tori sent me! I won her contest and received all of these wonderful goodies!!!
(Tor...I wish I could explain how CRAZY I've been going trying to find these! When I saw them in the package, I legit SQUEALED for joy!!!)
I wore this to the dentist yesterday, and the hygienist absolutely LOVED it! As do I of course! The colors are wonderful!
And I already found a use for one of those stickers! Right on the back of my phone of course =] Thank you SO SO SO much Tor!!! I loved EVERYTHING that was in there. The necklace would have been enough!!!
Yesterday also included some goofing around...
My sister and I discovered that wearing a child's vest prevents any chance of flashing the neighbors. It's also simply amusing..
ANNNDDD because miss Lexi is going outside of her comfort zone today, I too decided to forgo my old faithful lunch and switch it up! Although, this definitely isn't vegan, it's absolutely nothing like a normal lunch I would have...and I created it free of ED! I looked at my english muffin and instantly thought "I need a fat" so I opened the fridge, took a look, and though "hmm...I FEEL like avocado" so that's what I had!
Half scrambled/half over easy egg with peppers, WW Eng. Muffin with avocado, Ketchup, and a choco-choco silk! Add an Anjou pear and that my friends is what I call breakfast for lunch.
I'm off to get coffee with my friend. I hope you all have a wonderful day!!
I've been finding it easier and easier to match a certain song with how I feel...which has been really helping me express how I feel lately.
I also find myself extremely confused as to HOW I have been feeling lately. Torn between the two extremes actually. Let me explain.
Recently I've been able to escape the monotonous world of food and body-thoughts by "putting myself out there". If a friend calls to ask if I want to hang out, and a part of me says "no...that's not what we had planned" I simply ignore that and go. And each time I do that it gets easier and easier, and now it's reached a point where I'm actually LOOKING for people to hang out with, and for things to do. As I began doing things, I began being able to think about other things while I'm at home. I realized that just sitting around at home and not getting out was not going to magically allow me to think about other things. I need to live my life, get out of my house, try new things, and with that I'll begin thinking differently. That is exactly what happened.
An example of this would have to be yesterday. I planned to get together with two girls from CEDC-
Normally a day or two before I plan on going on a "trip" (she lives ~2 hours away from me) I look for reasons to back out or to cancel...but no such thought crossed my mind. I was actually anxious and excited to go and hang out with them, and the day did not disappoint. It was just so chill. We drank coffee (is 6 cups too much for one day??), went shopping around a little festival her town was having, and just simply enjoyed seeing each other again. They are such terrific and inspirational people, and they are doing SO well. Part of me feels like I'm a little far behind...but hell, everyone goes at their own pace right?
Well..the day was going wonderfully until I decided to get together with another friend of mine, who is a guy. Actually...he's a friend of a guy I met while in Boston. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I put myself in an uncomfortable situation, and it left me feeling insecure and unsure of my social abilities- at least regarding male relationships. I just feel like I'm not comfortable enough with myself, and poor past experiences have led me to be extremely unconfident, awkward, and apprehensive. I'm not really sure what to do.
I did have a really good conversation with my friend from work about it though. I gave him the readers digest version and he simply laughed and said "things like this happen all the time. You're just experiencing a normal part of life." I didn't mention my personal issues, just the situation as a whole. But it was such a relief to hear that, and almost excited me to know that this is something that NORMAL people deal with.
So I was wondering if anyone out there had any advice on how to feel more comfortable in my own skin around the other sex. I feel a little lost and almost ashamed.
OTHERWISE...I'm loving this new life I'm leading. It's quite refreshing!
Hey everyone, my name's Laura. I'm a Sophomore at the University of Connecticut and am currently trying to learn how to balance school, friends, food, and everything else that life has to offer! I'm extremely friendly, so don't be afraid to say hello!