Learning to Love

The switch

2010-01-02T16:30:00.000-05:00

I have officially made the switch. Follow me!

http://coffeeandhope.wordpress.com/

Christmas

2009-12-25T18:03:00.005-05:00

You know what's good about having a bad day?

Even if the next day is mediocre, it seems 100x better!

Not that today was just mediocre. I mean, it's Christmas day after all! I got to see my family, and eat good food, give presents, and simply enjoy everything that the holiday had to offer! I was a bit nervous going into today though, seeing how yesterday went...but things ran smoothly and I even challenged myself to a few things!

Such as one of each of these:

Walking into my Grandma's house, I didn't think I would have the courage to grab a few of my favorite desserts, but once the desserts were out and I realized how much I was craving one I decided that it's Christmas...and there is no reason why I shouldn't treat myself to my favorite foods. Plus...I would probably end up eating everything in the house until I got my hands on these two peanut butter wonders! And you know what? After I had them I didn't feel an urge to binge, nor did I feel any ounce of guilt. I felt happy...I felt content. And although my stomach wasn't used to such sweet treats, my mouth was thanking me for it!

Food aside, I also managed to be a little bit spoiled in the present department. Here are a few things I received this year....Santa was good to me!

My sister and I saw this brand on a Food Network special and we kept saying that we needed to order it, but never did! So my sister got me this sampler basket...I can't wait to dig in! Or perhaps, "pour-up"!

Super Scrabble! For all my scrabble fixes.

And a new camera!! As many of you know, I currently use a canon powershot....a pretty big one actually. And it's AMAZING for photography and shooting and such, however it can get a little awkward lugging that around to social events. Enter- Nikon Coolpix!!

I truly love spending time with my family. There's just something so comforting about being surrounded by people who love you, for you. It's something that I often overlook and take for granted, and days like today remind me that I have so much to be thankful for, even in times when it seems like there is nothing.

I'll be updating again soon! John is coming up to visit tomorrow, and my mom and I are waking up bright and early to hopefully locate a decently priced Keurig!!

Happy Christmas everyone!

Christmas Eve!

2009-12-24T22:08:00.006-05:00

I wish I could say that today (my favorite day of the year!) was in fact, my favorite day of this year. However... anxiety took hold and most of my day was spent pacing around, thinking about food, and being pretty miserable. But when I say miserable, I mean internally- I tried my very best to make my actions say otherwise and enjoy the company of my family! I think I did a pretty good job just trying to enjoy the day and focus on other things.

There were plenty of positives that came along though! Starting with last night, which was my first night at Laurel Hill as well as my meet-up with Carly. She went WAY overboard and got me quite possibly the best present I've EVER received...and I'm not exaggerating...look at everything that came in my recovery basket!

Everything has a meaning to it, ranging simply from a powerful, life-changing book all the way to a squishy ice pack to hold on to after meals or whenever I'm feeling anxious and "in my head".

Today though...today definitely had it's fair share of challenges. I'm about to watch a movie with my parents though...so I'll let the pictures do the story telling, and finish the update tomorrow.

Have a wonderful holiday everyone!

A snowy start

2009-12-20T23:47:00.007-05:00

Hello girls!

Christmas vacation has FINALLY arrived, and I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am! I was planning on spending all of today just lounging around the house (I mean, there WAS about a foot of snow covering everything!) but my sister and I decided to suck it up and be TRUE New Englanders and hit the shops! Little tip- if you want a completely empty mall, shop on the day of a snowstorm! NO ONE was out, but my sister and I managed to spend over 4 hours getting all of our shopping done! Then we came home and wrapped EVERYTHING. Mission accomplished.

I've also made a few discovery's over the past few days. Let me explain-

Number 1. I am, in fact, the salt shaker balancing queen.

Number 2. As incredible as peanut butter and almond butter are when solo, they come together in an almost too-good-to-be-good-for-you way!

Crunchy Crunchy! Harry&David and I are getting married soon.

Number 3. I have a new obsession with ballets...

And hats...

I actually had a video all ready for your viewing pleasure, but youtube is failing me and refusing to upload anything...so I suppose instead of movie time, it's going to be story time.

Friday morning I sat up in bed and saw something fuzzy and white on the floor. Initially I was thinking "great, the girls next door TP'ed our room this time. wonderful!" but once I put my glasses on, I realized that was not the case!

Hershey bars and a Christmas card included-

I couldn't believe it! How could our neighbors have put so much thought into something like this?! They even filled our stockings with movies and candy (I got to mine before I snapped the picture. Don't judge.)

I spent the rest of the morning waiting for them to wake up so I could go and thank them for being so generous! While I was studying for my calc test however, Alicia, her boyfriend, and John came back (she had spent the night at her boy's dorm and John had given them a ride back.) I jumped up so excited to show them all what the girls next door did for us, but the moment I mentioned the girls' names, both Dave and John's face's dropped.

I knew instantly why.

Turns out they stole Alicia's keys when she fell asleep, drove over here at 3:30 IN THE MORNING, broke into our dorm, and spent two. whole. hours. moving at a snails pace trying their very best to make absolutely no noise in the pitch black, just to set this up for us to wake up to!!!

How creepily romantic.

They call themselves the stealth ninjas. I just tell them they're lucky we didn't wake up. That could have caused a few issues..

ANYWAYS!

It's getting late, and I have a full day planned for tomorrow, which includes phone calls to Laurel Hill as well as Hasbro Children's Hospital (I'm going to be a volunteer!), working at Panera from 11:30-3, seeing my girl Carly for a MORE than overdo visit, and hopefully being able to have an intake appointment at LH for their IOP program. Wish me luck!

But before I go, the beautiful Lexi gave this to me-

Thank you so much Lex!!

Here are seven random things about me:

1. I drink coffee like it's my job. I don't remember the last time I woke up and put something in my stomach before coffee. I start my day with two cups even before breakfast!

(photo courtesy of weheartit)

2. I rarely EVER study for exams. Most of the time I'm just pretending to study.

3. I stress out over everything. In fact, I stress out about not stressing when I think I SHOULD be stressing because everyone else is! ie. finals!

4. When I'm nervous or frustrated, I laugh. When I got into my first serious car accident, and the cop came over to the car- I laughed.

5. I absolutely love scrabble. I have the application on my phone and play the real game a few times a week. In fact, the only two things I wanted for Christmas was the Super Scrabble board and a Keurig.

6. I'm not a huge fan of receiving gifts. Not that I don't appreciate them and look forward to them, but I feel like I can never truly show the giver how genuinely thankful I am...and that upsets me.

7. My true passion in life is to help people. I think the best feeling in the world is making someone's life just a little bit better- and I aim to accomplish that at least once a day.

MIA

2009-12-09T08:24:00.010-05:00

I'm sorry I've been MIA recently! I don't even know what happened...but somehow almost a MONTH passed without me posting. My apologies. Next week I have finals, and then my Christmas break will begin! There will be more frequent posting after those exams- I promise.

However...an update is still in order.

Let's try to remember my last post where I said that John had a surprise for me for our 1 month. Well, even though I guessed where we were going it was STILL amazing.

We went trail riding!

That's the only picture I could get because it was a fast-paced adventure and I dropped my phone off in the car before we departed.

Afterwards however we went into West Hartford and found this cafe called It's A Grind- HIGHLY recommended. I doubled the caffeine intake of this picture.

Oh...and we annihilated not one, not two, but THREE (almost empty) jars of peanut butter by pouring some oats (5 grain cereal...same diff.) into them. I think he liked it...

Then Thanksgiving rolled around and I went home, didn't bring my camera, hung out with friends and family, hugged a cat....the usual.

Then LAST weekend John had ANOTHER surprise for me (gosh, I am so spoiled with him...really.) Once again however, I basically knew where we were going. I had told him many-a-times that I had never been to New York before...so last Saturday we hopped a train straight to the city, and although it was cold and wet, it was still magical- especially when the rain turned to snow the MINUTE we got to see the tree at Rockefeller Center =]

Oh and by the way, if you're ever in the city make sure to stop by St. Patrick's Cathedral. My lovely Libby recommended it and I'm SO glad she did...it's breathtaking.

A few more pictureless updates...

-I went to my doctor at home over break and it turns out that I remained stable this entire semester. Although I am supposed to be gaining weight, they were still proud of me (and I was proud of myself) for being able to care for myself this semester, especially given what happened LAST semester.

-With that being said, I'm still looking into Laurel Hill Inn's IOP program for over Winter break. It's 3x a week from 5:30-8:30 at night. I have a phone intake appointment in about one hour. It can't hurt right?

-I changed my major. Natural Resources wasn't doing it for me. Now I'm in Allied Health (Health Promotion) and considering doing Occupation Therapy. I'm ecstatic and SO excited! I get to take Introduction to Companion Animals next semester. Basically- I train a cow.

-I have absolutely NO classes today. Thank you snow!!

Well, I'm off to get ready for the day. No classes doesn't mean that I have a free day! But before I go, I'll leave you with this video that basically describes John and my relationship. I was poking fun at the fact that when he says "first" he sounds all nasally. =P

Have a good day!!!

~~~~

love me some coffee and carbs!

Video!

2009-11-15T09:56:00.000-05:00

2009-11-12T08:10:00.006-05:00

Hey girls!
A lot has been going on in the past few days…in regards to family, school, recovery, friends- just about everything! My therapy sessions here at school are beginning to get more constructive, but at the same time my mother and I seem to be fighting more and more. Something I’ve realized recently is that having her be so involved in my recovery has actually caused me to rely on her for approval or simply a “pat-on-the-back.” This is absolutely NOT healthy, so I’m practicing being assertive and making sure that recovery is for me and only me.

Also, I’m sitting at Starbucks now after a “coffee-date” with a girl that contacted me last year after my article was published in the paper. We have kept in contact (distant contact) since then, but we finally decided to sit down and have a good chat…and I’m SO glad that we did! She has helped me so much in the two hours we were together, and made me realize that there are things that I can do at this point to change how I am doing without having to admit myself to a treatment facility (which for me PERSONALLY is not what I feel I need). For one, I need to ditch the scale. I don’t weigh myself TOO often but I need to make sure it DOESN’T happen. Recovery isn’t about the number. Also, for the past 4 years I have gone to the doctor on a weekly (on average) basis where I find out if my weight went up, went down, or stayed the same. 4 YEARS of knowing this. So I came up with an idea…and I need all of your opinion on this before I propose this to my doctor. Would it be possible to continue my weekly appointments, but only get weighed once a month- otherwise I will simply get my vitals taken? I will still be medically safe, since it’s my heart rate and blood pressure that is most affected by my weight, but otherwise I won’t be so obsessed and preoccupied with what happens to my weight- instead health will be on the top of my mind. I am just so sick of this routine, and I NEED a change…some kind of change.

Also, I NEED to stop feeling guilty about this. Not guilty in the food-sense, but guilty in the family-sense. Every day I feel bad about what I put my family through…but getting caught up in another form of guilt will not help me. Instead, I need to accept that this is where I am, and what I’m dealing with right now. Things will change, and with it my family’s worries will decline. I need to focus on myself, as much as I don’t want to.

On ANOTHER topic however…look at all this free swag I’ve gotten recently!!!

So far I’ve only tried the amaretto coffee (heaven.in.a.cup) as well as the Dr. K racker 3-seed flat bread. The nutritionals on these babies are impeccable!

I expected this flatbread to be…well…flat and thin. Flat it was, but thin? No way! Sure, flat creates a thinnER size, however these babies were DENSE! I am in love. Spread it with a little bit of hummus, and girls- THAT is what I call a snack =]

Another topic I was hoping to touch upon if I had the time was a topic that's been floating around Blog World recently, and that is the question as to whether or not Blogs have helped or hurt you in recovery. Now, I'm not going to get too detailed (mainly because of lack of time), however I just wanted to mention one thing. A lot of girls brought up the idea that reading food blogs helps them figure out what's normal to eat. However, I wanted to point out that people who blog about food aren't necessarily NORMAL eaters. A lot of them are healthy eaters, but they aren't actually normal eaters. Many of them are educated in nutrition, have suffered from disordered eating, or are trying to maintain lost weight. I just wanted to tell guys that it's perfectly fine to read food blogs (hell, I do!), but just be aware that normal eating is almost always best observed around you- by your family and friends, and healthy and structured eating can be found on here.

As for my eating...I've still been trying to tackle that daily fear food goal of mine, and although this doesn't happen every day, it's been happening more often than ever! Pasta? Full-fat salad dressing? Welcome to my life.

To end this post, here are a few things I've been slightly obsessed with:

Books take me out of my head, and put me into someone elses...

Puzzles keep my hands AND my mind busy...

And this....well, Chocolate+Peanut Butter+Inspirational Quotes= YES PLEASE!

Have a great Thursday girls!

And enter this giveaway!

A plethora of things.

2009-11-07T17:26:00.009-05:00

SOOOO much to talk about, so little time!!
I'm going to get most of the typing out of the way, and then let the pictures do the talking (sort of).
First and foremost, please listen to this song. It's country-ish...and I know a lot of people have a deep hatred for anything country, but trust me on this one- it's worth the listen.
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=9DC4555772AFA0AB&search_query=david+nail+red+light

Next (I'm going to try and get the extremely random things out of the way first) I wanted to share with you my first experience with a Think Thin bar. Now, I've always avoided these because I definitely didn't agree with their marketing tactic (AKA the thin part of the name) but today I figured I would give it a shot. I liked the idea of having two "bites" in a package, and you really can't go wrong with chocolate and toffee. ENTER: Chocolate Toffee Nut Think Thin BITES! I had a preconceived notion (is that the right term?) that this was going to be extremely chewy, since toffee usually is...in my mind at least. But these little bites were soft and crumbly, and SO much better than I would have expected. The ingedient list is...interesting, but the taste made up for it. I highly recommend.

Also, two things I am LOVING recently-

Scrabble and Starbucks Holiday cups. Just sayin'.

Yesterday morning, I believe, I read a post by Lexi about things that she wants to do in the near future. So as I was sitting in my Chemistry class paying no attention whatsoever, I decided to start a short list myself. This is what I came up with:

Things I want to do...hell, things I WILL do:

-taste coffee from all different coffee shops
-read...a lot...books, newspapers, journals, textbooks....
-laugh until my stomach hurts
-spend and entire day outdoors
-volunteer, donate, offer advice, TAKE advice
-tell those I love that I love them
-go for a drive with no destination
-love myself

It's a pretty short list, but it's quality of quantity. As I was re-reading it in class, I realized that one thing I truly missed about being healthy was my ability to laugh until my stomach hurts. I know I talk about this a lot...but laughing is such an enjoyable thing to be able to do, and to genuinely laugh until there are pains in your stomach and you can't breathe- THAT to me is happiness. I thought to myself "there is no way that's going to be happening any time in the NEAR future" but I was wrong. Absolutely, 100% wrong...because would you imagine that 12 hours after I wrote that I was keeled over in pain- from LAUGHING?!?

Guess who was responsible for this stomach cramping?
My girl Carly.

Isn't she a hottie?

But no, really...I wish I could explain to all of you (and her!) how much I fucking love her. I could probably write a book about this girl, and be laughing the entire time. She is an inspiration, a best friend, and someone I don't know WHAT I did without. If I had more time...I would just keep on typing about her, but Carly- just know how thankful I am that you're in my life.

Speaking of yesterday, the reason I saw her is because THIS lovely lady turned 18!!

And what ELSE would you do on your 18th birthday but get a tattoo...

and blow out some candles...

and get into a food fight?!

I'll admit, having a get-together with all girls who went to an Eating Disorder center seemed like a not-so-good idea at first, but it actually worked out and I met some really awesome girls!!

And look, the cake was actually a bunch of cupcakes! Genius!!!

Once I bid farewell to the loves of my life, I came back to the U of Conn and called up my boy John. We decided to go exploring (because what ELSE is there to do in Storrs?) and my camera came with me:

(aw)

Okay okay, I know you're probably getting sick of seeing him on my blog...but I have such a good time with him, so I'm not going to stop.

I'm also practicing being assertive. It's a working progress.

Dinner time though!! I hope everyone had a great Saturday and continues having a great weekend!!!

<3 Laura

_________________
Giveaway!

Project: Recovery

2009-11-03T16:24:00.006-05:00

So there are definitely exams I could be studying for, papers I could be writing, and books I could be reading...however I was feeling a little down so I decided that updating the blog would be a good idea, since it usually puts me in a good mood (that, and all the amazing comments I receive from you guys!!!)

This past weekend has probably been one of the best weekends since I got to UConn...maybe even since last year! It was Halloween weekend, as you all know, but the last thing I wanted to do was have a repeat of last year (lame party, cold weather, slight panic attack) so I was determined to enjoy myself this weekend. It started off on a good foot- my sister and her boyfriend came up and finally met John! The four of us hung out (AKA went to walmart) and it was cute.

Saturday I got to see my girl Libby!!!

Her dogs were a part of a doggy Halloween costume contest. Cute, yes. Corny? Absolutely! But we paraded around and got caught up...so it was nice!

The major event took place on Sunday though. In the past, my Eating Disorder has caused me to become extremely timid and unsocial. Isolating myself seemed more appealing than going out and not being liked by other people. However, John wanted me to meet his family on Sunday. That meant actually traveling to his town, to his house, to meet HIS family- a group of people who I absolutely CARED about what they thought. He's extremely close to them, and I was terrified that they would dislike me.

Well...turns out they actually loved me! And seriously, I felt like a part of the family the moment I walked in. He has 6 cats, 2 skinks, and a snake! I held all of them, chatted with his parents and his sister, and simply enjoyed the company and enjoyed getting to know people who could potentially become a big part in my life. It was a risk...but I took it, and I feel stronger than ever!

That, and the following, are both reasons for my title- Project: Recovery. In my last post I listed things that I was going to try to do...including daily fear foods, no more calorie counting, and being more spontaneous. I think this weekend was risky enough to be considered spontaneous...but how about those fear foods?

Saturday John and I made cupcakes...and not just ANY cupcakes, but PB&J cupcakes. Oh...yes we did! They came out one notch below incredible! (the jelly sank to the bottom =/ ) But let me tell you something girls, after working so hard to make these, nothing felt more rewarding than being able to sit down with him and eat one. Fear food #1- complete.

On Sunday he decided to surprise me by taking me to a coffee shop near his home. I can officially say this was the best coffee house I've been too. My photo's are terrible since they were taken on my phone, but I listened to LAURA and got what I wanted- a MEDIUM soy MOCHA latte. Hell fucking yes. DELISH!!

Worth. Every. Sweet. Creamy. Caffeinated. Sip.
Fear food #2- completed!!

Cupcakes and mocha latte's aren't really on the TOP of my fear food list...more like, high avoidance foods. But regardless, I'm not going to make it seem less significant than it is, because it sure felt significant!!!

And, for good measure, here are a few more pictures from this weekend-

So girls, I encourage you to bite the bullet- take the leap- don't hold back. Because every day that you hold back, you are preventing yourself from truly living your life. Eating fear foods, not calorie counting, being spontaneous- this might have left me feeling anxious, but the feelings of happiness FAR outweighed any negative emotion.

Stay strong girls. Believe.

EDITED
It's giveaway time!

Want to try some of Penny's Lowfat desserts?!

I've been lying to myself.

2009-10-29T19:48:00.003-04:00

I'm about halfway through with Goodbye Ed, Hello Me...and I have to say, there have been a few things in there that have made me question myself, and truly think about whether or not I have been wanting to recover.

The conclusion I have made- I have wanted to, but have not been willing to. I would tell everyone that I was trying, preach stories about wanting a better life, not caring what my body looks like, and that I CAN and WOULD recover. But the problem with this is that I wasn't willing to do what it takes. I wasn't willing to make the effort. I would sit around saying I was trying to gain weight...but I wasn't taking the initiative to consistently eat more. I would sit around and say that I want to be more social, more spontaneous- but when opportunities arose I would make excuses, and put them off for another time. Well...that time is NOW because I am tired of this. I can't live with this shit forever, and I WON'T! I need to make changes...LIFE changes, not "today's change" or "this meals change". I want my old self back , and if that means sitting through some pretty fucking uncomfortable moments then bring. it. on.

Things I am going to do:
-decrease my diet soda intake
-decrease/eventually stop weighing myself
-stop counting calories!!!
-listen to my body...TRUST my body
-stop rituals around food- eat like a normal person
-include at least one "unsafe" food into my diet each day...EVERY day.
-be consistent with all of these.

What I have been doing is telling people that I ate unsafe foods...but I would still count calories so I knew nothing would happen. Or I would stop weighing myself, but decrease my calories so I KNEW I didn't gain weight. Do you see a pattern? I supplement one behavior to make sure a "lost" one doesn't have an effect. Fucking useless...that's what it is!

So starting right now...I'm stopping all of those. I want to learn to trust my body and eat intuitively. I want to be healthy, and happy, and live a life free of doctors appointments, worried phone calls from my mom, and free of an eating disorder.

I want to be happy. And I am finally willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.

Gifts

2009-10-28T20:14:00.007-04:00

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to type....but the past few days have been FULL of little things that make me BEAM with happiness. Let me begin--

Things to be happy about...

Gifts from friends

Inspirational Quotes

Candy Apple making and Country Stores

Coffee...Coffee...Coffee...

Fall's colorful effect at UConn

The complexity of simplicity.

Fall Flowers

<3

Little Rhodey

2009-10-25T21:41:00.004-04:00

Hello Hello!!
I'm amazed by how much feedback I received on the Cheerio ad! A part of me was worried that I was "looking too deep into it" or "over-reacting", but hearing your responses confirmed that the ad was, in fact, an absolutely terrible way to market a product....especially a company that is THOUGHT to promote healthy living. You can be sure that both my mother and I sent complaint emails to the company. I felt it was needed.

Anyways...judging by the title you could have probably guessed that I spent my weekend at home in little 'ol Rhode Island. I'm not going to lie, I absolutely LOVE visiting home...especially during this time of year. There are just so many things to do, and see, and coffee to drink, and family to visit, and gosh...the list goes on. This weekend, however, included INSANE amounts of shopping! You'll be seeing new clothes as time ticks away....but until then, I also colored my hair:

My hair isn't actually as dark as the picture makes it seem...but, I'm thinking that darker might be better next time around!

Here are also some pictures I took around my casa...please excuse my attempts to be somewhat artistic. IE the weird angles. (Oh, and blogger makes my pictures grainy! No fair...)

Can you tell I absolutely love that tree? It just blows my mind with how colorful it becomes in the fall!

As for everything else this weekend...I wish I had more thumbs to raise up, because it was incredible. I ate better than I have since CEDC days, I went to my favorite country store with my dad, to a consignment shop with my mom, shopping with my sister, and basically just enjoyed myself! I made candy apples, drank coffee from 5 different coffee houses (none of which were 'the bucks'), and actually relaxed. Anxiety was controlled, ED was hushed, and LAURA was here.

<3

Is it just me..

2009-10-23T12:27:00.001-04:00

or does this bother anyone else?

New Foods New Moods.

2009-10-20T14:06:00.008-04:00

Hello Hello!!
Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately...in fact, I may or may not have had a dream last night with a few of you in it! No worries, it was PG =P

Anyways! Saturday John and I made a trip up to Whole Foods just for the hell of it. I FINALLY found two things I have been searching high and low for-

Mmmm!! John and I split this as soon as we stepped foot out of the store. Initially I couldn't really taste the difference between this and the PBCookie flavor, but a few seconds later the cherry flavor hit and everyone who said this tastes just like a PB&J is right. Good stuff!

StoneyFields Seasonal Pumpkin Pie flavored yogurt!!! I added some Kashi honey sunshine to add a mock "crust" and mmmm did it deliver! Fun fact though- I actually DON'T like pumpkin pie!! I just like pumpkin pie flavored things!

Speaking of pumpkin flavored things-my pumpkin spice coffee consumption is starting to become a problem...

But, if it helps at all...I got it at a cafe called Jitters....which I think is cute.

Sorry about the terrible phone pictures...my camera is simply too large to lug around campus with me...verizon to the rescue!!

Oh, and how great is this!? My school is celebrating "fat talk free week". I haven't had time to stop at any of the tables set up yet, but I will as soon as I can!

Sorry my posts have been all over the place lately. It basically mirrors how I've been feeling. While I think of what to type next, take a look at some of these pictures I took around campus-

I just adore this season.
One thing that I'm not so fond of however, is how my mood has been lately. Eating-wise I've been eating enough, but not enough of what I SHOULD be. Once again I'm stuck in a rut, and I can tell that my body is not liking it. The scale says I'm doing well, so my doctor thinks I am- but I am a firm believer that the scale can not measure your recovery. I'm tired and cranky and finding myself having OCD tendencies. Luckily, I'm aware of this so I can take action before things get out of control.

Otherwise everything is going well. Bonus points and extra credit keep popping up in my classes, and I met with my advisor for next semester and I am SO excited! I am going to have classes Mon-Thur and then all day friday I will be doing field work for a park or refuge, and will get 3 credits for doing so. Sounds like a good way to spend a day to me!! =)

______
Oh, and check out this giveaway!
anddd this one too!
One more?

Oh life..

2009-10-16T20:46:00.004-04:00

I think this is the most I've updated in a LONG time! I realized that I truly love to blog, but don't like to focus a lot of attention on food/my eating disorder. I know I really shouldn't have to ask this, but does that bother anyone? I'll definitely be touching upon those things seeing as they both play a role in my life (eating disorder RECOVERY that is!!), but for now I'm just going to blog about my life.

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for the recommendations about what to do with John. One thing that I didn't mention was that I'm not actually friends with my suitemate...just acquaintances. In fact...I don't agree with a lot of things she does, so all we really do is share a bathroom. I really don't want to hurt her though...

With that being said, she still doesn't have much of an idea...and I don't know how to bring it up! I will eventually though, because as of last night I am (as my best friend says) Laura plus one.

He took me to Starbucks and then back to his dorm yesterday, and at some point switched the cup he was holding and asked if I wanted a sip. I took the cup from him and THIS is what I found:

Cute huh? He officially asked me if I would be his girlfriend, and as corny as it was- how could I say no to someone who knows me well enough to ask me out with a Starbucks cup? =P

He also got me an ENTIRE bouquet of pink roses...which can sort of be seen in the background. The single rose, and one which wouldn't fit in the vase are sitting on my desk =]

Don't worry though...he knows about the blog, and knows I talk about him. Actually, today he asked me what the "blog people" think about the situation. I told him that I hadn't officially informed everyone yet...but I was going to!

It's nice though...I wake up in the morning and don't immediately think about food. In fact, I think about him more than I think about eating/body image/the gym now. It's incredible yet terrifying. I am always afraid of opening up to someone because I'm scared of getting hurt. I guess it's too late now though...I just need to relax and enjoy having someone who cares so much about me and who I have such an amazing time with!!

Oh, by the way...it SNOWED it Connecticut yesterday & today!! Crazy stuff huh?!

As for tonight...I'm a driver for a program here at UConn called Guard Dogs. Basically, it's a "no questions asked" safe ride home put on by the school, so I'll be out and about until about 3am. Needless to say, the kid I'm riding with better be up for lots and lots of coffee =]

Fall is in the air!

2009-10-14T15:09:00.005-04:00

Don't you just love the smell of fall? It definitely has an endorphin effect on me...pair that with pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING, and you have yourself a very happy Laura!

Here are some pictures from my weekend (if you haven't already seen them on facebook!)

Cousins + pumpkin spice coffee.

Awww my parents!

Apple BUTT!

Look at my mom- sporting the UConn sweatshirt. =]

Remember John? Well he came to visit again this past weekend. He took me to waterfire in Providence. It was amazing...and he bought me this-

=]

PARADE!!

I love taking pictures of my cousins...

Overall, this weekend was a BLAST! I spent time with both sides of my family, and SOO much time outdoors enjoying the weather, drinking coffee, and simply living my life! I love this time of year...I just wish the feeling stuck around forever!!

By the way, have any of you tried this?

Oh, AND...I might have posted this before, but this song truly reminds me of the fall-

Later guys!! Enjoy your day =]

I am flawed if I'm not free

2009-10-06T14:19:00.006-04:00

Rilo Kiley basically sings about my life.
This is going to be a pretty loaded post...most for my sake, so don't feel obligated to read it...and better yet, don't expect any of it to make sense!

First and foremost, a slight peak into what's been going into my belly lately:

Thumbs up.

Thumbs up.

Thumbs UPPPP!!!

Thumbs down. The flavor was right on, but the seeds were gritty and reminded me of sand. I like sand...just not in my mouth.

I'm undecided about these. I had the caramel one but I didn't taste any caramel. I like caramel.

Otherwise...
I've been eating very Mediterranean lately, and I must say...I don't hate it! Lots of nuts, yogurt, olives, hummus, pita, olive oil, whole grains, soy milk, and the occasional cheese. And coffee...which is basically a food group of it's own...

Speaking of which, I made peace with the latte this past week. Thanks for Carly, I overcame my fear of Pumpkin Spice Latte's at starbucks, and I am SO glad that I did!! I felt like I overcame such a huge obstacle...and it was simply a seasonal coffee beverage. Perhaps this is a sign of things to come? The daily newspaper seemed to think so the following day:

The latte gods are trying to communicate with me via school newspaper.

OH and look, my wall is growing:

Half the fun of taking these pictures is the weird faces I get from my roommate. I'm lucky she loves me.

Now...Story time.
Let's begin on Friday night. See this boy?

Apparently I proposed to him. Then divorced him because he wouldn't accept my ring made of thread. His loss.

Friday involved alcohol. Too much for me to handle. I spend most of the night laying on the floor in the lap of this guy:

He took care of me, and I swore to never get like that again.
Saturday, after waking up and settling my stomach with some pumpkin spice coffee, I started to talking to him and he brought up the topic of favorite foods. For some reason, perhaps the lack of sleep, this struck the wrong chord with me and I broke down. Full blown tears, feeling hopeless and depressed- it was totally not me! But that's what happens when I am overtired- I get depressed. I told him how I feel like I'm wasting my life right now, focusing on such unimportant things and being unable to enjoy the things I used to love. I told him my favorite foods are the foods I don't allow myself to eat (besides PB of course!!). It really bothered me, and I spent a good hour or so in tears- a complete wreck. Carly came to my rescue, but I decided that it would be best for me to head home....and that's exactly what I did.

That boy came up to my home though. We got coffee and went to see the movie Surrogates. It's absolutely amazing how easily I can talk to him, and be honest with him. Amazing and scary at the same time, because I NEVER open myself up this quickly to guys...bad past experiences have left me with trust issues that I just can't seem to shake.

Then last night I stayed up until 3 in the morning talking to him about what we want out of life. It was deep, philosophical, and I haven't felt that way since before my Eating Disorder arose. I felt genuinely happy, and unconquerable. I know he likes me, and obviously I feel the same.
So what's the problem?
He's my suitemates ex boyfriend of 4 years.
I believe if there were ever a good "FML" moment, this would be it.

I don't know what to do...
_____________

p.s. Giveaway!

Hello, see you later.

2009-09-26T16:35:00.001-04:00

I'll be posting a real post later, but until then:

Annie's Giveaway!!

Don't judge a day by it's agenda.

2009-09-21T14:52:00.004-04:00

Monday, September 21

7am- wake up
7:30-catch bus
8:00-chem
9:00-math
10:00-therapy
12:00-lunch with Holly
1:00-Human Development
2:00-The dreaded doctor appointment

Needless to say, I was NOT looking forward to today. It's a monday, I need to wake up early, and I had 3 classes and two appointments all before 2:30. But you know what? I think today has been one of the best day's I have had here so far. Why you ask? Well, aside from it being the first day of FALL (yes, I count the 21 as the first official day), I had my SECOND good doctor's appointment in a row...which has NEVER happened to me before. Ever. I normally gain a little, drop more than I gained, gain a little more, drop a little more, etc etc. HOWEVER not today!!! This girl fought through all the negative thoughts last week and came out a champ! In addition to the good news at the Doc, I also got the BEST iced coffee ever, and found out I got a 100 on my term paper for HDFS. HOLLAA!!!

I have been up to a LOT this past week...and it feels absolutely amazing! My mind has been drifting away from things ED related, and it's scaring me but exciting me at the same time. I sit down at my computer now, and instead of reading food blogs religiously, and poking around nutrition and fitness websites, I watch TV shows, listen to music, talk to friends, do my homework, and just have fun! Here are a few pictures from the past week:

Bought curtains for my room/worked on my collage...

Got a drug/alcohol suggestive sign from my girl Carly!!!

Stumbled upon an old picture of my sister and I holding a baby white tiger. This is me in my element!!!

And we visited the cows....a LOT!!!

Yes....her name is Precious Phatty...

ANNNDDDD
Look at the show lineup this week:
Monday- 2 hour House season premiere AND Gossip Girl!!! Tuesday- 2 hours of CSI! Wednesday- ANTM....don't judge. Thursday- GREY'S ANATOMY!!!

Add in 2 exams, 2 quizzes, and a paper...and you've got yourself a very busy Laura!!!

<3

College, College, College...

2009-09-16T14:08:00.004-04:00

Hello Hello!
I'm quite the phantom-blogger aren't I? The occasional comment here and there, but otherwise I'm nowhere to be found! College this year is simply amazing...SO much better than last year when I was skipping class to live at the gym, and isolating myself in my dorm room. This semester I'm pushing myself to be social, eating regularly, only going to the gym every other day to do weights (no cardio for this girl!), and just loving the change. Having my car on campus is such a relief to me- just knowing that I can go home at any time if I need to is extremely comforting.

I wish I had more to say and update you girls on, but the truth is- there's just too much! I've been challenging myself (remember my weekend at my roommates house? Well they didn't have ANY wheat bread at all...so I had to eat white bread....and I survived =P). Oh...and don't forget:

PRINNY!!! (AKA Princess) She slept with me both nights I stayed there. Love.
_______
I've also been walking a lot around campus, and trying to balance my meals accordingly. And judging by my last doctors appointment...I'm doing a pretty damn good job at it!

Other things I've been doing/working on:

I got together with my girl Libby from CEDC

Got a CHANEL makeover!

I've been drinking coffee....a LOT of coffee...

I've been decorating...

(curtains are coming soon to a window near ME )

And just a few random comments/questions:
-Thanks to everyone who came out of the blogging shadows and introduced themselves to me!!!! I love hearing from you girls <3
-The cold turkey diet cola thing wasn't working for me, but I guarantee that I have at MAX just a cup or two a day. No more....and not EVERY day. I already feel better!
-I've been working on eating less volume and more density. Not in the restricting sort of way, just in the "instead of a plate full of salad, I'm going to have a pb sandwich" sort of way. My body loves me.

One last question (actually...the ONLY question):
For those of your who converted from blogger to wordpress...is it easier to use? Part of the reason I don't update so much is because it takes a while to "pull" all of the pictures down, and get everything laid out right.

I'm off to do a little thing called homework. Catch you on the flip side!!

Quick Quick!!

2009-09-05T08:50:00.004-04:00

I was having blog-posting withdrawels, so I decided to satisfy it with a pseudo post.

Recap of some major/minor (you decide) points of my life:

(I gave up diet-cola....this is my LAST one (minus a fresca last night....don't judge)

I worked on my wall collage, and wrote the September due-dates on my calendar...

I bit the bullet and added a bit of CREAM to my coffee....along with soy milk of course.

As for this weekend...

I'm seeing this beautiful lady, whom I haven't seen since my CEDC days:

THEN I'm going home to my roomy's house for the weekend.
She has a dachshund.
Have I mentioned that I'm obsessed with dachshunds?

But I have goals, my friends....BIG goals.

+No more diet cola (I decided I'm going to say "Unless at a party", because cold Turkey isn't my style!)
+Less veggies, more substantial food!
+Laugh more!
+Loosen up
+Continue no gym (I can't believe I'm doing so well with this!)

I had more...but they will be added later!

Peace out cub-scouts!

<3

Picture Post.

2009-08-30T11:03:00.007-04:00

Yes, that is my roommate.
Yes, we have 3 fridges.
Yes, I am making a collage on my wall (are you REALLY surprised!?!)
Yes, I took a picture of our toilet.
Yes...I am happy.
=]

....

2009-08-24T14:29:00.001-04:00

UCONN HERE I COME!!!!!

The post you've all been waiting for.

2009-08-23T16:49:00.006-04:00

Actually...it's probably not THE post. I believe tomorrow's post will be more interesting, seeing as it's the post that is going to tell everyone whether or not I will be attending college next SATURDAY. I'm terrified out of my mind as to how my doctor's appointment is going to go tomorrow morning. Let me explain why...

Last week I packed my bags, and hopped a plane to Mizzou.

Isn't Missouri so...unique...?

Okay, okay. So aside from going to see the beautiful scenery...I went to go see this beauty:

Don't you worry, she doesn't really wear those glasses. We both had a shot too many of tequila, and this was the result. Clearly she is affected a bit more than I am =P

Well. Things didn't work out QUITE as expected. She told me that she would buy a few "essentials" for me (ie. peanut butter, soy milk, and bread) however, none of that was purchased. In fact...she hadn't even MOVED IN to her apartment when I got there. She wasn't prepared, and I wasn't prepared for her being unprepared. So although I would love to say that I took on that challenge like a CHAMP, I didn't. I knew what was best for me, and ended up leaving a few days earlier. It was fun while it lasted though!

I did come home to quite a nice surprise however:

Yep, that's right...RUDI'S products!! I was in CARB heaven!! I've only ever had the honey wheat bagels, and was OVERLY excited to receive these free samples! So far I've tried the multigrain oat bread (which tastes strikingly similar to Panera's Honey Wheat bread), the spelt tortilla's, and the cinnamon raisin bagels. My opinion? Thumbs up...and up...and up...and up!! The tortilla's ESPECIALLY! I am pretty picky when it comes to tortilla/wraps, and have had trouble finding (non-low carb) wraps that aren't too hard, but aren't too soft. Although these are on the smaller side, the nutritionals definitely make up for it, plus that just means I can taste the components of the wrap more! I highly recommend!

Over the past few weeks, I've also made a couple new friends...

Old Wessex and I caught up a bit after a brief hiatus...

And then I introduced the two!!

Fact: I've never cooked bananas in my oats before.
Reason: as much as I SAY it's because eating bananas makes my bathroom trips a bit too infrequent (TMI???), it's ACTUALLY because they are a bit of a fear food for me. But the moment the aroma of cooking oats, cinnamon, and banana hit my nostrils I knew I would never look back.

In addition to the banana...the smoothie and I have gotten a bit closer than usual (actually, there is no USUAL. We've been introduced again after a very long period of smoothie-less living). A container of chobs, a cup of frozen berries, and a splash or two of vanilla soymilk= thick as molasses, purple bliss (eaten with a spoon of course!).

Something else I've been enjoying is our newly enclosed patio! It's still being beautified...however it's such a great place to enjoy the outdoors without sweating like a beast!!

And lastly, before dinner is consumed, I wanted to show you a couple of my family members!

Ciara- she's got a whole lotta fur, and nearly no personality. She can chase a laser like it's her job, and prides herself in her ability to lay down with such force we're surprised she doesn't break the floor.

Jasmine: she's the social butterfly. The one that's always hungry, and has no idea that there is a line running straight down her face. She squeaks when she meows and will knead your chest until there's blood.

Sophie: the one with big talk but absolutely no game. She's a spaz, but a cuddler. She cries when she's happy, and barks at anything that moves. Her ears are too big for her head, and her head is too small for her body.

Well...I'm off. I hope you enjoyed this lengthy post. The rest of my night includes dinner, a movie, and a whole lot of melatonin (for without this...my stress level would make for the longest, sleepless night I will ever have). Tomorrow morning my future will be determined. Wish me luck.

<3

Another journal entry...

2009-08-22T17:29:00.002-04:00

This is mainly for my benefit, however hopefully it will have a positive effect on most of you. There will be a pretty packed post coming along eventually...I just need to find the time (read: motivation) to complete it =]

6/5/2009--Week 4 @ CEDC

Recovering from an Eating Disorder is quite an interesting thing. Here I am, spending 4 weeks of my life trying to relearn something that was originally innate. We come into this world, each and every one of us, subconsciously knowing that we need food. Yet here I am relearning how to do something that keeps us alive. But I guess it's more than that. I've always believed that life is all about the details--the fine print. So yes; I am here to learn how to eat properly and healthily again, but I am also learning so much more. I'm learning about balance in all aspects. I'm learning about myself- my body, and my mind- my likes and my dislikes. Having an Eating Disorder took away most of my opinions about things. There were only two types of foods: the acceptable foods, and the unacceptable foods. I was to like all acceptable foods and dislike all unacceptable foods. But now...now I'm learning that there are foods that I actually genuinely dislike--and vice versa. It sounds so silly, but the idea of this excites me. In addition to food, I'm learning so many other things that I enjoy doing--writing and journaling being one of them. These have become such outlets for me. Anger, sadness, frustration, and even confusion all seem to be swept away the moment my pen touches the paper.
I feel like a child at times, and an adult at other times. Here I am spending my days learning about structure and balance, and spending my free time coloring, making bracelets, writing, collaging- all things that I associate with children. But I like it, which is all that matters. On the other hand I am slowly feeling more powerful and more in control of my life. I am learning about my strengths, my weaknesses ,my necessities, and my abilities. I am making peace with my family, slowly, and choosing to make the best out of what I have. I am learning that it's okay to put myself first, and say no to someone. I'm learning that assertiveness does not need to be agressive. Nor passive. Assertiveness can be a mixture of both- found in the middle. Speaking of finding something, I've recently found my laughter. No longer do I laugh because I think I should. Now I laugh because I am happy and simply because I CAN! I laugh until I'm out of breath and my stomach hurts. I laugh out of desire- simply and genuinely.
I also found my confidence. Where it's been all my life is beyond me, but I do know that it's slowly arising each and every day. I find myself walking with my head held higher and no more assumptions (or cares for that matter) that people are judging me or looking down at me. If they are- so be it. It's their choice to judge, not mine, and I have no control over them- only over myself.
Recovery isn't easy, it it isn't fun. But it IS life changing, and 100% worth the battle.

A journal entry from CEDC

2009-08-11T19:49:00.002-04:00

Dear Laura,

I know that you're having a hard time staying positive right now, especially with the tension and stress that seems to surround you. But you're strong and you'll make it through. Just remember that you are your own person, and you don't need to wait for everyone around you to change as well- because you ARE changing, and that's okay. It may be new and uncomfortable right now, but just keep in mind that new things become old things, and new behaviors become old habits. You can already tell that you are slowly becoming more and more comfortable with food, which is HUGE! Don't get scared of that-- get excited!! Embrace these new feelings and emotions, because they are meant to be enjoyed. With every bite you take, that's one more bite closer to happiness and freedom. It may be hard to imagine right now, but trust me (your positive and clear-thinking voice) that it WILL pay off. You are more than a number on a scale of the shape of your body- you are a combination of so many ideas, and a countless number of unique traits. You are capable of so many things, and with every person you meet, you are changing their life in some way. You may never save the world- but you can save somebodies world...only if you stop hating yourself and your body and start putting that attention and effort into things that you love. Take advantage of the time you have here, and use it wisely. Focus on your dreams, your aspirations- not what you're having for lunch that day. Comfort others but also comfort yourself- you deserve it. Tell someone you love them, but only after you tell yourself the same thing. Write letters, draw, be creative, prove to yourself and to others that your body can be used for fun and imaginative things- not just self starvation. You are SO much more than your eating disorder, and although 3 years have passed where your life seemed to be stuck, there is so much more in your future. Use your potential to make the most out of the rest of your life. The future starts now. Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it also wasn't meant to be this hard. Realize this, understand this, and learn how to balance things in your life. You are never going to make everyone happy- and that's okay. Just try your very hardest to do what you feel is right, or necessary, take action- then move on. Life isn't stopping or standing still, so why should you spend your time stuck on one thought? Your mind is capable of so much more than calorie-counting or worrying about such unsubstantial things. Instead, push those thoughts aside and think a new thought- a unique thought. Listen to music that makes you feel good, watch movies that make you laugh. Go to the river, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and tell yourself-

"I AM FREE!!!!"

Thank You

2009-08-10T20:53:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to thank whoever posted anonymously to my last post (which has been removed). I appreciate the honesty and don't want anyone to ever feel as if they can't tell me when something bothers them. But please, never be afraid to include your name because I would never get upset over something like that. I appologize SO much if that post bothered anyone... =/

Excuse the language.

2009-08-07T22:58:00.003-04:00

Conversation. Bold=me. Italics=boy from school.

So you want to go swimming with me when we get back?
Sure! I lost my old swimming partner so just let me know =)
Ok cool. I'm just warning you I'm really bad now. I'll swim one lap and be tired!
Haha it's okay. I haven't done ANYTHING all summer.
Wow...so you must be HUUUGGGEEE now!

...
...!!!!!

FUCK THAT SHIT!
I'm still ME.
I'm not HUGE.
Even if I was HUGE, it doesn't matter.
It pisses me off that he KNOWS what I am going through.
But he really has NO idea.
FUCK THAT SHIT!
You know what I'm doing tomorrow?
Not measuring.
Anything.
(Except coffee and oats...)
No more tablespoons and quarter cups.
Only my eyes.
My hands.
And my belly.

☮

2009-08-05T14:40:00.004-04:00

This is going to be a quick one. I just wanted to show you girls what the lovely Tori sent me! I won her contest and received all of these wonderful goodies!!!

(Tor...I wish I could explain how CRAZY I've been going trying to find these! When I saw them in the package, I legit SQUEALED for joy!!!)

I wore this to the dentist yesterday, and the hygienist absolutely LOVED it! As do I of course! The colors are wonderful!

And I already found a use for one of those stickers! Right on the back of my phone of course =]

Thank you SO SO SO much Tor!!!
I loved EVERYTHING that was in there. The necklace would have been enough!!!

Yesterday also included some goofing around...

My sister and I discovered that wearing a child's vest prevents any chance of flashing the neighbors.
It's also simply amusing..

ANNNDDD because miss Lexi is going outside of her comfort zone today, I too decided to forgo my old faithful lunch and switch it up! Although, this definitely isn't vegan, it's absolutely nothing like a normal lunch I would have...and I created it free of ED! I looked at my english muffin and instantly thought "I need a fat" so I opened the fridge, took a look, and though "hmm...I FEEL like avocado" so that's what I had!

Half scrambled/half over easy egg with peppers, WW Eng. Muffin with avocado, Ketchup, and a choco-choco silk! Add an Anjou pear and that my friends is what I call breakfast for lunch.

I'm off to get coffee with my friend. I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Social Situations

2009-08-02T15:57:00.003-04:00

Music that matches my mood (MMM)

I've been finding it easier and easier to match a certain song with how I feel...which has been really helping me express how I feel lately.

I also find myself extremely confused as to HOW I have been feeling lately. Torn between the two extremes actually. Let me explain.

Recently I've been able to escape the monotonous world of food and body-thoughts by "putting myself out there". If a friend calls to ask if I want to hang out, and a part of me says "no...that's not what we had planned" I simply ignore that and go. And each time I do that it gets easier and easier, and now it's reached a point where I'm actually LOOKING for people to hang out with, and for things to do. As I began doing things, I began being able to think about other things while I'm at home. I realized that just sitting around at home and not getting out was not going to magically allow me to think about other things. I need to live my life, get out of my house, try new things, and with that I'll begin thinking differently. That is exactly what happened.

An example of this would have to be yesterday. I planned to get together with two girls from CEDC-

Normally a day or two before I plan on going on a "trip" (she lives ~2 hours away from me) I look for reasons to back out or to cancel...but no such thought crossed my mind. I was actually anxious and excited to go and hang out with them, and the day did not disappoint. It was just so chill. We drank coffee (is 6 cups too much for one day??), went shopping around a little festival her town was having, and just simply enjoyed seeing each other again. They are such terrific and inspirational people, and they are doing SO well. Part of me feels like I'm a little far behind...but hell, everyone goes at their own pace right?

Well..the day was going wonderfully until I decided to get together with another friend of mine, who is a guy. Actually...he's a friend of a guy I met while in Boston. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I put myself in an uncomfortable situation, and it left me feeling insecure and unsure of my social abilities- at least regarding male relationships. I just feel like I'm not comfortable enough with myself, and poor past experiences have led me to be extremely unconfident, awkward, and apprehensive. I'm not really sure what to do.

I did have a really good conversation with my friend from work about it though. I gave him the readers digest version and he simply laughed and said "things like this happen all the time. You're just experiencing a normal part of life." I didn't mention my personal issues, just the situation as a whole. But it was such a relief to hear that, and almost excited me to know that this is something that NORMAL people deal with.

So I was wondering if anyone out there had any advice on how to feel more comfortable in my own skin around the other sex. I feel a little lost and almost ashamed.

OTHERWISE...I'm loving this new life I'm leading. It's quite refreshing!

I got a feelingggg

2009-07-29T19:09:00.003-04:00

Have you girls heard that song by the Black Eyed Peas?? If not...do so NOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOHGOwbnvTk

This is sort of the song that has been keeping me going over the past few days. It's just so upbeat and makes me want to go outside and DANCE and be FREE!
I forgot how much music affects me..

Well...today was yet another doctor day. However, unlike the last appointment which brought me to tears and felt like the doctor had handed me a package of hopelessness, this appointment gave me hope. My weight went up a little bit, and although initially I was a bit freaked out by the concept of gaining weight on my own, I was able to rationalize. I was driving home and ED began bashing me on how I have been overeating, and I need to start cutting back and reverting back to my old ways, and skipping snacks etc etc. Yet, in the middle of his little lecture, I held up a STOP sign. I basically was like "woahhhh ED! Shut up!!!". I began thinking about the past week, and thinking about how I have been so much more social, and so much more involved with things in my life. I've been going out and talking and being creative. My thoughts haven't been 100% focused on food, and it scares me sometimes...but at the same time, it excites me. I began thinking about all of my goals and everything I want to accomplish in life. I began thinking about volunteer work that I want to do this year at school, and studying abroad and travelling and making a difference in other people's lives, instead of just focusing on mine. And all of these goals and aspirations completely outweighed the importance of a couple extra pounds. They aren't even EXTRA pounds, they are HEALTHY and NEEDED pounds.

So here I sit. Ready for the future. Excited by the fact that school is no longer out of the picture. And possibly even more excited that I don't need to see the doctor for two weeks, as opposed to the usual weekly appointments =P

There is greener grass.

2009-07-27T13:41:00.003-04:00

Not literally. But all of your comments allowed me to realize that this isn't going to last forever. It's just a part of recovery- getting back into "real" life. Something incredible happened on Saturday though. I was having a rough day (as most of you already know), but I had planned on going to my friends party that night and I was sick and tired of always canceling on my friends because I would "rather" sit at home and do nothing. Getting out of my comfort zone is difficult for me, but I am SO glad I did that night.

It was a very simple party. There was alcohol, which is something that I usually avoid because of the empty calories. But I decided on Saturday that I was tired of not including myself in things simply because of my ED. So I drank. Not too much, but not too little either =P I wouldn't say I got drunk, but I was close. I played pong and snacked on pretzels and blow-pops, and LAUGHED. Like an ACTUAL teenager, I was having fun and felt like myself. And it wasn't JUST the alcohol talking, because I knew I had to drive home so I stopped drinking early, and even as the buzz was wearing off I was still being a social little butterfly. It was wonderful.

Bee Tee Dubs: I am pretty good at pong if I do say so myself =P

The next day (yesterday) I woke up in the most AMAZING mood. I made a goal for myself- to focus on the day and the things I wanted and love to do instead of the food. It was a challenge for sure, but I did it. I even managed to get some more of my wall collage finished.

(if you look in the bottom left corner there's a picture that says "I am not a number." It may or may not be a cell phone add. But same effect right?

As for today...I have hope. I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and keep myself occupied with other things, including sun-bathing, music listening, and simply living (I saved a turtle and 6 frogs!)

Two thumbs up!!!

Sometimes honesty IS the best policy

2009-07-25T16:53:00.002-04:00

I'm going to warn you girls...this post MIGHT be a little on the negative (and triggering) side. I never know how it's going to turn out when I start typing, so I figured a forewarning would be for the best.

I've been trying to figure out how I've been feeling recently, and I guess the only way to describe it is:

Consumed and defeated

Okay okay, I know that's no way to look at things...but let me explain a little bit to you.

Last Monday I went to the doctors for my normal weekly weight-in. I knew I didn't have a very good week, but I didn't realize HOW bad of a week I had truly had. When the doctor came in she told me that I wasn't far from where I was when I was admitted to CEDC.

Fast forward two days.

I'm at ANOTHER doctors appointment to get my annual EKG done of my heart (just a precaution....things run in my family). Well, the tech weighed me and I asked her if I could have a blind weigh-in. She agreed and said that she would tell the doctor not to tell me what I weighed. Now...I LISTENED to her tell the doctor not to say anything...but I knew from past experience that she was going to blurt it out once she entered the exam room.
And she did.
The number scared me. I was considerably lower than I believed I had been, and that's WITH a full bladder and all my clothes. In addition to this, I know the number that my doctors want me at before I go to school, and I know that there is no way (physically...because of my past history of slow weight gain) that I will reach it.

HOWEVER. (you girls know me...there's ALWAYS a HOWEVER)
My nutritionist and I came up with a "game plan" and so far I think I'm doing pretty well. It worries me though, because I told her what I had been eating and she added to that...but I don't even know if THAT'S enough at this point. So even if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be, I may still be going in the opposite direction.

So defeated? Maybe not DEFEATED. Just a little disappointed in myself, and "stuck" at the moment.

But as for consumed...
This has been my biggest struggle recently, even more so than actual food intake. All I think about is food, all I read about is food, and all I WANT to talk about is food. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to go to a party and not be able to think about anything else, it's frustrating to finish a meal and still want to eat just for the hell of it but instead just think about the next time I'm going to eat and what I'm going to eat and how I'm going to eat it.

I am tired of living to eat. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and thinking about my meals for the day. I'm tired of having my mood determined by how much I ate, or WHAT I ate, and I'm tired of associating being home with eating. I'm tired of not being able to focus on anything besides my meals or snacks or body or what everyone else is eating or EVERYTHING that has to do with food. I'm just TIRED of it!

I've been trying to use distractions, but while I'm doing those distractions I end up thinking about food. I try stopping myself from thinking about it, but part of me LIKES to. I just want to go to a family party and enjoy myself because of what we're doing, or seeing my family. I feel like I'm letting my life pass me by...and I'm perfectly aware that it's happening.

I need advice. Please?!

Beach hair!

2009-07-16T09:45:00.003-04:00

Isn't beach hair the best?! It's so crazy, but a controlled sort of crazy. See!?:

I've been afraid of wearing a bathing suit in public for some time now. But when my sister had the spontaneous idea of going to the beach-I couldn't say no! So my sister, my friend and I all spent the day lying in the sun yesterday...and it was one of the best days I've had in a long time. For some reason it's scary for me to have people looking at me- especially guys. I'm not sure why exactly. Perhaps it's my past coming to haunt me, but regardless- I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and only good came from it. Maybe this is a sign of what's to come?!

I'm also slowly getting back on my feet after a couple of rough days. My intake was not what it should have been, and even though I was aware of it- I couldn't seem to fix it. But after a few good days, I can see my depression taking a backseat and Laura taking the wheel. It's quite a liberating feeling- being in control. Scary, of course...but life is going to be scary sometimes.

I'm in the middle of typing up an extremely long list of things to be happy about. Just a warning. It may be overwhelming =P

ALSO (wow my head is ALL over the place this morning!) I never got around to thanking each and every one of you for the comments you have been leaving. They are appreciated to the MAX I assure you. Every time I get an email alerting me of a new comment I get so excited and read it word for word. They mean so much to me and offer so much advice and inspiration. So thank you so very much =)

I hope everyone has a BEAUTIFUL day today! Be yourself, and just believe.

Freedom

2009-07-08T20:27:00.012-04:00

I. Am. Done. !!!!

With CEDC that is!! I was officially discharged from partial on Friday, and as happy as I thought I would be- I am equally as terrified. There is no more structure for me. I am on my own, and even though I learned numerous amounts of coping skills, I am still nervous for what my future holds.

With that being said- I am also extremely excited! All during my stay at residential I would tell people (and myself) that I can't wait to get back to my life. I wished that I could just hit a fast forward button and have it be the end of treatment where I was home and living my life. Now...here I am. I have a full week ahead of me....filled with nothing but my life. I almost don't know what to do with myself. I guess I figured that at this point I would be in a much different place. I thought I would no longer be counting calories or worried about meals, but the truth it- I still am. It's not as extreme or obsessive as it used to be, but I still feel lost when it comes to meals.

My parents have been so great about it though. My mom always makes sure I'm okay with the things she makes, and asks me to do things because she knows I have trouble getting my mind off of food or my body or anything having to do with an ED. Today we actually went to AC MOORE and picked up paint by numbers to do together! Ahhh I'm such a momma's girl. But hell- I'll take it! I have so many things that I want to do, most of which are some form of arts and crafts. I just need to be able to motivate myself enough to say "Okay...I need to stop thinking about food and start thinking about life. I need to live and then eat, not eat and make time to live." It's such a hard thing to do, but I know I have it in me to do it. It's going to be tough, there is no doubt in my mind. But I am done with this. With treatment, with my ED. With ALL of that! I have been repeating "I'm done with this shit" over and over in my head when I begin getting wrapped up in thoughts, and girls- it sure does help!

We're grilling tonight, and I am so excited. The sun is out, and air is warm, and I'm home. For good.

I'm doing this.

2009-07-02T06:27:00.002-04:00

Girls, I've never felt SO empowered in my life. I remember Jaime mentioning that sometimes we think we want to recover, but we aren't ALL in. At first I didn't really understand what she was saying...because as far as I was concerned, I was doing all that I needed to do to recover- and I truly wanted to. But I was only lying to myself. I still found myself addicted to the gym, unable to eat real meals, and calorie counting beyond belief.

Then I went to CEDC.

And now, here I sit, 110% IN. I'm IN recovery, and that's exactly where I want to be. I look back now and feel a sense of sadness and anger when I think about what I put my body through. I know that I shouldn't be looking backwards on the past, but it's tough because it was such a huge struggle. It feels good though to know that I am sitting here with a much clearer head on my shoulders, and a healthier way of living. I am no longer a hypocrite- I am voicing to everyone the importance of recovery AS I'm in it myself. I feel strong, empowered, untouchable. It's exhilarating. Who knew?

I have a lot of things I'm planning on sharing with you girls once I find the time to sit down and type. As I said in my previous entries- I've been finding myself journaling a lot recently. But there are a few things I have written that I think you girls would appreciate, so when I have time I'm going to type them out. Perhaps word-for-word, perhaps paraphrased. Who knows?! But I believe that hearing them could not only help you, but help me- simply by rereading and getting feedback.

Until then, I wanted to share with you something that I shared with a girl who's also suffering from an ED. She mentioned that she currently doesn't have the motivation to recover, and was wondering what helped me find it. So I sent her this:
Finding the motivation to recover is definitely one of the hardest things to do. It took me over 3 years to finally say "I'm fucking done with this!" Really, I had no choice. I was already medically affected- I have osteopenia and TERRIBLE circulation. I was at a low weight, but because of my muscle mass I wasn't necessarily DEATHLY thin. But it wasn't really the weight that made me realize I needed to change. It was the fact that I hadn't genuinely laughed in so long, and I was tired all the time, and I wasn't making friends because I spent all my time at the gym. And the hardest part to get over are the thoughts- the negative self talk, the constant thought about food and weight and body. I mean...we have ONE life and I was wasting it and taking it for granted. I realized that I have goals and aspirations- all of which could not be attained while using my behaviors. It was also hurting my family and my friends (the few of which I had since my life was revolved around my ED). I realized that I wanted to look like Laura, NOT my eating disorder.

I feel myself wanting to help others more than ever now, but I also need to be focusing on myself. It's hard sometimes to find a balance between offering others advice, and taking my own. But currently, I think I found a "happy place" where I can be helping others, AND myself.

Until next time gals!

(be goofy!)

SLUUUURRRP

2009-06-20T15:00:00.003-04:00

Yes, that's the noise I just made as I finished my iced coffee.
The iced coffee that I drove myself to get.
The iced coffee that I have been missing for the past 6 weeks.
That's right girlys...I'm home.

I'm not completely finished with the program. Yesterday I stepped down to the partial program where I will be commuting to Boston 3-5 days a week to attend the program which runs 9:30-3:30. I think I can handle it.

I'm having a little trouble with body image right now, but besides that and the meal plan...I'm doing GREAT! I've never been SO happy to get home...I thought I was going to cry. Saying goodbye to some of those girls was heartbreaking, but I know that a few of them will be stepping down to partial within the next week as well, so I will get to see them for a little longer.

I'll be honest with you girls- I almost signed myself out on Wednesday. Anxiety and the weight gain got the best of me, and I was only seconds away from doing it. But I didn't. My parents stayed tough and convinced me to stay one more night. I'm telling you- some of the best advice I can give to you girls is to sleep on it. I woke up the next morning able to see clearly once again, and pushed myself through 2 more days.

I'm still not done gaining weight, which is really stressing me out. I'm at 90% of my ideal weight, but they want me at 95%. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle that. I was wondering if any of you girls had any ideas for coping skills regarding body image? I really need some!

Also, look what I came home to yesterday:

My mom is such a sweetheart. And although some of those may not be true (ie. good at drawing) it was still a sweet gesture =]

Well...I'm off to drown myself in some mindless television.
Have a great Saturday girls!!
<3

Update time!

2009-06-10T22:32:00.003-04:00

So girls, I promised you an update so here it is! I am sad to report, however, that this update isn't exactly what I imagined it was going to be. A few days ago I was under the impression that I would be stepping down to partial today, but my weight has decided to do funny things so I am going to be staying here until next week sometime. At first I was extremely upset, but looking bad and thinking rationally about it- I think it's for the best. I've been going home at least one day every weekend, which has been nice. Stressful...but nice. This weekend I'll be going home both days, but returning here at night. That way I will have a safe, supportive environment to return to.

As for the previous 4.5 weeks...things have been up and down, but surprisingly more up than down! I'm absolutely BLOWN away by how slowly my body has been gaining weight. I won't use numbers, but let's just say it's been very VERY slow. My body has been using all the extra energy for self-repair, which I just need to accept. If I were to be gaining at the upper-level that they wanted, I would have only had to be here for roughly 2-3 weeks. But I'm on my 5th week right now, and I'm still waiting for the weight. It's incredible how much our bodies can actually take in and use without having to store.

As for body changes- it's touch and go. I have days where I am like "Oh...so THAT'S where all the weight went" but I have other days when I'm confident in my own skin...which simply NEVER happens when I'm wrapped up in my eating disorder.

In regards to energy levels. Let me just say one thing- WOW. I am feeling like a completely different person...but different in regards to what I was like during my eating disorder. I feel like I'm discovering my true self. And as cliche as that sounds, it's completely true. I'm learning to be ME. Actually...not even LEARNING, just doing.

And holy hell girls- I can LAUGH again!! And not like a little "I'm snickering because I know I should be" but instead a "my stomach hurts so much and I can't breathe or stop laughing and I just don't know why!!" It's amazing. It's miraculous. It's every other adjective that means INCREDIBLE!!

I have learned so many things while being here, and I plan on sharing so much with everyone here (if you all want to hear it of course!). It's helped me immensely and I've begun to realize how much journaling really helps me. I never thought that writing things down that will never be read would actually help, but it does. My pen hits the paper and word-by-word my worries begin to disappear. Well, not so much disappear as dwindle and become less apparent. It's nice. It's relieving. Gosh, this whole experience has been LIBERATING!

I can honestly say however, that a few weeks ago I probably wouldn't be able to say all of this. It's tough, there's no doubt about it. But looking back on my experience, it has been unlike no other. I am changing, and I am okay with that. I've learned about radical acceptance and positive self-talk, and I've met some of the most AMAZING people while being here (amazing seems to be a reoccuring word, doesn't it?) OH and how funny is it that I'm roommates with a girl who has the same last name as me?! We're basically the same person =P

So I leave you with a few last funny pictures...for kicks...for giggles...for the hell of it.
I'll be updating more as soon as possible.
Goodnight girlies!!

<3

I haven't forgotten!

2009-06-06T18:08:00.002-04:00

Girls, I just wanted to stop by and say thank you to EVERYONE for your loving words, support, and encouragement. It was appreciated ENDLESSLY! I will be back as SOON as I can to give you all a full update. But until then:

It's been a while, hasn't it?

2009-05-20T08:07:00.002-04:00

Hey girls!
Wow, I can't believe that it's already my second week of being here, and yet I've only posted one or two times! I'm sorry about that, things are just really hectic here as you can imagine. But I'm going to try my best to keep you all as updated as possible.

This past week has been pretty touch and go. The weekend was pretty hard- there was a lot of drama around the center, with girls using behaviors, girls refusing to admit that they have a problem, and just simply RC's and patients not getting along. I guess this can all be expected, but it was really tough on the girls who weren't involved. This is supposed to be a place of comfort and support, yet when there is screaming and crying and "I want to die"s being thrown around- sometimes memories arise and feelings get hurt. But we all made it through, which is what truly counts.

As for me personally. Well, I had been doing really well until last night. I had a family meeting yesterday and we talked about increasing my meal plan which I was okay with. However, it is increasing much faster than I expected. We run on 8 meal plans here, and usually they are increased every 3-4 days on average. So I started on meal plan one, and then 3 days later went up to 2, and then yesterday I began 3. Well, today I am going to be starting meal plan 4, and by friday I will be on meal plan 5. MP 6 will begin next week, which is a lot for me to handle. I mean, I do think that I'm ready, but my body is just trying to get used to it. On top of it all dinner last night was ENORMOUS, and afterwards I just laid in my bed and cried. That's the first time that has happened since I got here, and although I felt absolutely terrible about myself, and about having to have people comfort me and talk to me- it also felt good to just express how I was truly, and genuinely feeling. No more masks.

This morning I woke up in a somewhat better mood. I'm not hungry at ALL for breakfast, which is in 15 minutes, but I just need to suck it up and move forward! I haven't gained much at all since being here, which is actually bumming me out since my therapist said that is all they are waiting on. Once my weight is up to par then I am stepping down to partial. Until then, I just need to be patient. It's funny how part of me just wants to snap my fingers and weigh a healthy weight, and the other part is happy that it's taking awhile. I guess for now, living in the moment is the best thing I can do.

On a happier note, I was able to pursuade my therapist to let me have a home pass on Saturday, which is AMAZING! I can't wait to just go home for the day. I'm such a baby when it comes to not being home, so this will be really good. Also, Saturday night is Burrito and Smoothie night, and let's just say that last Saturday that caused a HUUUGGEEE ruccus around here, so being MIA for that this week is giving me a sense of relief.

Other than that I'm doing pretty well. Just trying to live in the moment, and keep occupied which I have been doing a pretty good job doing. I'm making bracelets, mixed CD's, positive affirmations, doing puzzles, reading, and just hanging out with the girls here (who are all absolutely incredible and inspirational, let me tell ya!).

Well, 12 minutes and counting until breakfast. I'm off to try and get excited about it =P

Love you gals!!!
<3

CEDC- Day2

2009-05-12T22:21:00.002-04:00

I think I typed the first paragraph about 5 times, and didn't like the way any of them came out. I think I'm just going to type without thinking- whatever comes out, comes out...and thats the end.

My breakdown made a very small appearance...an appearance-ette if you will. I woke up this morning frustrated with not being home and not being able to do my morning ritual, which MAY include "going to the bathroom" (inappropriate everywhere besides an ED center, let me tell you!). So I was a bit uncomfortable, and not the least bit hungry which I hate. But I finished all my meals and my snacks, and was therefore allowed to go on outing today- which was basically just a walk around Harvard Square. But it was just so nice to be outside, and see people just living their day-t0-day lives. I'm definitely an avid people watcher, so this was the perfect situation.

In addition to being outside, I finally met with my case manager and dietician today. I was completely honest with them about over-exercising and what I typically eat. It's so funny how it seems like so much more when I'm eating it, but then having to repeat it to a nutritionist I realize how unhealthy it really was. I explained that I'm not quite as terrified of food as a lot of girls here are, and I don't really retrict in extremely unhealthy ways...I'm just stuck in a rut and want my life back. They seemed really happy to hear that, and told me that there's a lot of hope for my future, which obviously brightened my day! Also, I'm completely off bathroom restrictions, which is almost unheard of on the first day someone is here. But I have no bulimic tendencies and really just want to pee in peace and quiet =]

Dinner was really difficult for me. I mean, physically I just ate it like it was no big deal, but it was a little rough mentally. In a way I was relieved to feel this way because now I know that I'm not just putting up a wall to hide everything. The feelings are still there, but I'm just pushing through them. It also feels amazing to just feel satisfied and not worry about when the next meal is, or what it's going to be. As my friend Tara JUST said, I'm finally "letting go" and it's terrifying but relieving at the same time. I never thought I would be okay with this, but so far I am. I know as my meal plan increases things will get more difficult, but I'm ready for a challenge and I'm trying my hardest to enter that increase in a fairly good place, mentally.

I wish I had some pictures for you girls! But before I go, I'll leave you with this heartwarming photo:

=]

p.s. they don't allow oatmeal/peanut butter combo here. Blasphemy!

Aren't I lucky?

2009-05-11T22:34:00.002-04:00

Although yes, I am settling in here at CEDC, and my parents and everyone around me are being extremely supportive, I'm feeling EXTRA lucky because my room is close enough to the lounge where the wifi is that I can lay in bed and still manage to get the internet (sometimes).

I'm really exhausted...but I wanted to update everyone and say that I am okay. I'm settling in, and doing OKAY. So far there haven't been any tears...well, the occasional drip or two from listening to a sad song, but otherwise I have been absolutely emotionless. It scares me in a way, because every other time I have been to a treatment center of any kind, I am QUITE a ball of waterworks and emotions. But this time-nothing.

Actually, that held true for about 99% of my day- the only time it didn't was when I was on the phone with my mom. I held back any sign of weakness, or sadness, and just chatted away. For some reason when I don't know how to express myself, or I'm feeling stressed or upset- I joke about it. You may have realized this from my entries...or maybe not, but it's how I cope with things and I truly wish I had a better way. I wish I was comfortable enough to be like "yes, I am terrified of going. I am scared of challenge foods and losing control." but instead I tell people not to be surprised if the next time they see me I'm fatter than I am now. It's so aggravating because as it's coming out of my mouth all I can think of is how I'm giving the other person such a wrong impression of what it's like to have an eating disorder. SO many of my friends were like "oh...you still have that?" like it's a cold that I simply can't shake. But I can only blame myself for that since I don't allow myself to open up. I guess that's just something that needs working on.

Otherwise my day went well. There was a cooking class today and we made quiche. It felt AMAZING to taste REAL food again...but the entire time I was eating I was just like "guilt? where ARE you!?" but it was nowhere! I watched girls fool around with there food, some girls not even eating- but I was fine. Normally I would feel terrible about this, ED would be screaming in my ear about how I'm not sick enough to be here. Instead, I had hope- I am already in a better position than these girls. I CAN and WILL get my life back- and I'm in exactly the right place to do that.

Alright, it's bedtime for this old grandma! I'll keep you girls updated on here, and thank you a MILLION times for all the support and encouragement in my last post. Things ARE going to change...but I'm ready. SO ready.

<3

Reality.

2009-05-09T09:16:00.003-04:00

Hey girls- happy Saturday!

I'm not sure if this post is going to be triggering at all. So just to be safe, I'm going to say that it MIGHT be.

I know that I hear a lot of you girls talk about how many "looks" you got and comments you received when you were underweight. Well, I was never really one of those girls who got those comments, for a few reasons. 1. I ALWAYS wear sweatshirts and baggy pants. 2. I lift weights, so I have a lot of muscle which gives my body SOME kind of shape.
Well, I guess part of the reason that treatment was always something that I pushed off was because I didn't get these comments. I knew the scale and my doctors said I was underweight, but I had no outside confirmation.
This changed very fast.
I'm currently at my lowest weight, and as the cold weather becomes something of the past- so do the sweatshirts. In fact, just last night I was at my friends house playing pool and I got a little warm. I decided to take off my sweatshirt and the moment I did, my friends uncle (who yes, was drunk) said "I haven't been that skinny since I was 11!". Uhhh...awkward. Seeing as he wasn't a girl when he was 11. But also because now everyone's attention was drawn towards me- and I don't know these guys very well (besides my sister, they were all guys older than 21). After I took my [pathetic] shot, I quickly put my sweatshirt back on.
It was just such an eye opener for me. I've gotten the stares, but I never really asked myself WHY they were looking. I don't want to be "that skinny girl". I want to be "that fun, full-of-life girl!". I want to get stared at because I walk by with confidence and stature: not because my legs are thin.

Another "confirmation" I received was actually from a nurse. It was extremely unprofessional, and totally uncalled for- but it happened and she can't take it back.
I was getting blood-work done for Cambridge while I was at school, and as she was taking it she looked at my arm and was like "girl your arm is so skinny! Do you eat?!?!".
I'm not quite sure what she was expecting me to say. "No..no I don't."? Well, if that were the case would she go buy me lunch?
Instead, I laughed and said "yeah...but I'm getting blood work done for a reason". And ended it there.

The thing that frustrates me is that I do eat...I eat a lot. Over these past few months my eating disorder has definitely transformed. I mean, an ED is an ED- I still count calories and have fear foods and isolate myself, yaddi yadda. But I eat fear foods...and a lot of them. But then I go to the gym. For hours. Anorexia turned Exercise Bulimia? Perhaps. But a label is a label, and regardless...I need help.

And help is on it's way. In TWO days I'll be in treatment. It's terrifying. I've cried my eyes out to my mom, telling her that we need to find a different way. But she has stayed strong, something she hasn't done in the past, and instead told me that we would get through this.
Breakdown- check.
Now it's on to the GOOD stuff.
I am determined. I am ready. I am relieved.
That last one plays a HUGE role in my "excitement factor".
I can't wait to go to this program and no longer have to stress about when I'm eating, what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising, if I over-ate or under-ate. It's taken care of. I'm throwing the white flag in, I'm surrendering. My life is in their hands.

Kath told me last night that I need to be the best recoverer, NOT the best anorexic.
Well girls...it looks like you have some competition for the best recoverer =P

My friend Tara also sent me over 60 songs to listen to, and add to my recovery playlist. I just wanted all of you to give one of the songs a listen. It's already helped me immensly, and hopefully it will do the same.
It's called Courage is.. by The Strange Familiar

Peace. ☮

Author: Unknown.

2009-05-02T10:17:00.001-04:00

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Sporadic Posting.

2009-04-30T11:31:00.004-04:00

That seems to be what I've been feeling like doing...so why not?! Writing in this blog isn't a trigger for me, it's reading other blogs. So you may occasionally (or more than occasionally) see updates from me, especially as I enter the Wonderful World of Residential.

As for this post...there are two things that I want to mention.

First and Foremost!
I am trying to compile a list of both music and books to bring with me to the program. I will be putting together a playlist which I will properly call my "Recovery" playlist. I am looking for more mellow music, because when I was at Partial I realized that this type of music is really soothing to both my mind and my soul. Songs like "Why"(the remix) by Annie Lennox and "Only Love Remains" by JJ Heller are sort of what I am looking for. So if you don't mind, could you give those songs a listen and give me any recommendations you can think of? I would really appreciate it!

Also. Books. I always loved reading, but ED doesn't enjoy the whole "being stationary" thing. Well well well! Things are about to change because I have no option at this program (for the most part). Also, seeing as my mom works at a library, I have no excuse to not read! I'm not a huge fantasy person, and by that I pretty much mean I would rather watch grass grow, or watch a full game of cricket, than read a fantasy novel. No offense to all those Cricket players out there! =P. But seriously, my favorite books are those by Chuck Palahniuk and Chuck Klosterman...since when has the name Chuck been so popular!? Anywhew...I'm basically just asking for any recommendations! I would really REALLY appreciate it!! Thanks girls <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

Secondly!

As most of you know, this weekend was a glimpse of summer here in the NorthEast. A tease? Perhaps. But no one said that a tease is always a bad thing. In addition to the wonderful weather, it was also Spring Weekend at UConn- read: a weekend to get completely wasted and not remember anything that happened.

I am the exception.

Instead of going out partying and forgetting my name- I decided to get together with friends and get in touch with nature. We decided to go on a hike- where we proceeded to get lost and sunburnt, but enjoy each others company nevertheless. It was during this time that I realized what I truly live for- nature, friends, being outdoors, etc. Here are some pictures which document the day:

Two funniest guys you will ever meet...I swear.

(Warning...adult content to follow...sort of...)

Come on, how cool is this? You can see the strand of eggs!

That girl is one of my roommates next year, and the boy in the white is her boyfriend. The other boy is his best friend.

Horse Barn Hill...I swear, UConn is NOT completely Hicksville..

Alright, that's all I have for this post! I think today I'm going to grab my camera and go exploring again. My mind is truly at ease when I'm surrounded by nature, and what better than being able to capture the glorious world around and sharing it with others?

<3

Update.

2009-04-25T08:24:00.003-04:00

Hello Hello.
I'm not "back" persay, however I do occasionally feel the need to write in here, and update you girls. So why not right? It's my blog!

Currently, the biggest thing in my life right now is the fact that I will be attending a residential program in Boston in...ur...a little over two weeks. May 11th at noon to be exact. I know a few of you gals have already attended this program- Cambridge Eating Disorder Center- and had luck with it. Why did I decide to make this call? Well, one night I came back from dinner and ALL I could think about was food. I wasn't even hungry, but I couldn't get my mind off of it. Then all of a sudden I remembered a Lindt Chocolate Bar that I had just recently purchased...so I ate it. It was small, don't get me wrong, but I was IMMEDIATELY overwhelmed with guilt and a HUGE drop in low self esteem. I ran to the gym immediately and spent the next few hours there. Because of a chocolate bar. I began crying while laying on a mat, and realized that sometimes it's okay to ask for help.

I then went back to my dorm, and while I was in the "moment" I gave CEDC a call and the lady immediately put me on the list for being admitted the Monday after I leave for school.

The emotions I am feeling are so overwhelming. Part of me is saying to simply give up until then. Others are saying to try to gain weight so I don't need to stay there for very long. So what am I doing? I'm simply trying to live. I'm eating what I want- not trying to gain and not trying to lose. I don't know if it's a good decision, but it's putting my mind at ease until I need to attend this program.

I am terrified.
I am excited.
I am upset.
I am ecstatic.

I want my life back girls. I am sick of weekly doctors appointments and my mother having to worry about me. I am sick of not knowing HOW to eat, of worrying about what and when to eat. I am sick of worrying "oh did I eat too much?!" or coming back from the dining hall saying "damn...I should have eaten more". I am sick of salads for every meal, and being bloated because of diet soda and too many vegetables. I want to feel SATISFIED and NOURISHED. I want strong bones, strong hair, and a smile that RADIATES happiness. THIS is why I am attended this program.

I'm planning on making a list of goals before I attend. Food goals, as well as REGULAR goals.
So far I only have two-
1. Try mac & cheese. (a childhood FAVORITE and a current FEAR food)
2. Learn to express my emotions genuinely. (I'm guilty of throwing a *fake* smile on my face ALL the time. I need to realize that it's okay to tell people how I am really feeling...and even admit it to myself)

Well..it's spring weekend here at UConn, and my sister and her friend are here and we're off to watch Oozeball and then go exploring.
We're crazy college students aren't we? =P

<3

The honest truth.

2009-04-13T12:45:00.002-04:00

Hey girls...

I'm back in Connecticut, and I wish I could say that it was an uneventful journey...but it really wasn't. My mom and I had a very tear jerking conversation, in which I discovered a few things.
1. I want to recover for myself, but also for my family. They deserve better.
2. I am obsessed with food. I think about it all the time, I talk about it, I watch it (food network), I read about it (blogs, recipe books, magazines), and I even LEARN about it in my nutrition classes.
3. I have an addictive personality.

So this is going to be the end of this blog for awhile. Not just this blog, but the end of me reading all of your girls blogs. I've debated this NUMEROUS amounts of times, but this time I'm going through with it. Don't take it personally, please! Because every single one of you are so so special, and SO deserve recovery....whichever way works for you! I just spend so much of my life on here, reading and comparing and I just can't do it anymore! I need to separate myself from food..and just live. But as most of you know, I have my facebook link in my profile (I think?!) If not, my name is Laura Carr and I go to UConn! Feel free to add me, just mention that you're from the blog <3

Good luck girls..with everything. Stay in touch, via facebook or ANYTHING! You're all too special to not be in my life!

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2009-04-10T18:46:00.004-04:00

Happy (Good) Friday girls! I'm so glad that my last post got so many positive comments! It truly makes me feel 110% sure that I made the right decision to change my major. And actually, I just got an email saying "Congratulations, you have just been accepted to the College of Agriculture and Natural Resources!" So...it's official, I'm a tree-hugging-chicken-loving agriculture student! Holla!

In addition to this, I am also home for the weekend to celebrate easter with the family. I'm going to be completely honest with everyone here. While my eating has been INCREDIBLE, my exercise habits have been quite the opposite. However, I am taking advantage of these next few days of being gym free, and having AMAZING food. I actually just finished dinner, and for the first time in WEEKS, maybe even MONTHS, I am full. Completely and utterly full.

Now, personally Laura is happy about this, but ED is pestering me ENDLESSLY. So I decided that in order to shut him up I would go on the computer at home and look at all the old pictures that we have on here. One thing I realized as I was looking through them was that I have never seen my adult, womanly body at a healthy weight before. My eating became quite disordered when I was only 15, and at that point I still wasn't done "maturing". So I really don't know what I am going to look like once I get my real body back. This is both exciting and terrifying to me. Neither of which is going to stop me from trying my absolute hardest this weekend, and for the rest of my life!

If you girls don't mind, I'm going to post some pictures that I found. They are going to be COMPLETELY random, and I appologize for that. I will be explaining them as I go though...but this is just my way of coping with my little "food baby" I have going on (you know when your stomach pops out cause you ate a lot!?! My friend at school calls it her food baby, and it makes me laugh every time!)

OH and before I begin, I just wanted to explain to you why I haven't been posting pictures of my food. It just seems so much easier to prepare food and eat it, than to put more thought into what it looks like, and what everyone on here will think of it. Is it too much? Is it not enough? Did I eat something with gelatin in it by accident? Enough! I will continute to post pictures of new foods if I'm really excited about it (exception: banana nut odwalla bar! I scarfed it down last night and HOLY COW this tastes exactly like banana bread! Buy it. Eat it. Love it!)

Now onto the jumble of pictures (which may be triggering I appologize), shall we?

A baby squirrel that started climbing my leg! Don't worry though, he made it back to the nest =]

I swear, animals are my therapy. She may look small, and her name may be Princess...but I assure sure, her attitude is NONE of those!

Yes...that's a butterfly and a bumble bee fighting.

My sister's ex, my sister, and me.

Before^

After ^ <3

Okay...this is my freshman year. One year before my eating disorder actually took full force. We came in third in the state I think, for our 400 free relay. I'm standing next to my sister.

Block Island Summer 2007. One year after I was hospitalized. This is after a really tough winter...but I was HAPPY.

Ever wonder what happens when lightning hits a tree? Well, first of all there's the LOUDEST noise you will ever hear. Then all the bark pops off!!

Myrtle Beach Summer 2004

My sister! This is her at the weight that I had always wanted to be. Funny how ED makes me think that it is impossible for me to be this thin, even at 20 pounds less.

The kids I used to babysit! Sam and Max. Children can always put a smile on your face, can't they?!

"Graduation" from middle school. Wasn't I so cool?! With my Grandma!

8th Grade semi. My first dance. Yes...I had glasses AND braces. And acne haha. I was one of those unfortunate gals!

So things I have learned from this tonight:

1. Happiness and weight do not come hand in hand.
2. I was NEVER fat, I am NOT fat, I will never BE fat.

3. Most of all...I WANT TO BE FREE!!!

2009-04-10T18:46:00.001-04:00

Experiences

2009-04-06T16:12:00.009-04:00

Experiences are what make our lives worth while, aren't they? Everything we do is an experience, and I wanted to make this post mainly a picture recap of experiences I have had over the past few years. Why am I doing this? To remember that life IS worth it. That MY life has been MORE than my eating disorder, and the farther away I get from it- the better off I will be. Two things first though:

1. I am unbelievably enthralled by the number of new reader (and older reader!) comments I have been receiving! Thank you SO much everyone! Every time I get an email about a new comment my face just LIGHTS up!

2. I had an Oikos greek yogurt with my breakfast this morning. Honey to be exact. And HOLY MOLEY I can't believe how amazing it is! I remember Jaime mentioning a few posts ago that she may have liked it better than Chobani, and I yelled at her it! I was so dedicated to my dear Chobs, but girls...I must tell you....this flavor DEFINITELY pulled ahead! It wasy creamy, tart, with the perfect amount of sweetness. And the honey was all at the bottom, which I don't understand WHAT is so appealing to me about getting to stir it all up, but it sure is! I wish I grabbed more than just one of this flavor! Guess I'll just have to buy some more ;-) Oh...and here's a phone picture for your viewing pleasure:

Now to the pictures!

All of these things are what I LIVE for!

Oh...by the way, I changed my major to Natural Resource Management with a concentration in Wildlife Conservation. Judging by these pictures...I think I made the right decision =]

______________________
(BARNEY BUTTER?!)

A wonderful wonderful weekend!

2009-04-05T17:38:00.003-04:00

Oh girls, why can't EVERY weekend be like this past one?! ED was honestly NON-Existent!! I don't know where he ran off to, but I hope that he stays there! Yesterday was wonderful- my sister and I woke up late, got ready, and headed to Brunch at the dining hall. I ate what I wanted, which included eggs, toast, and peanut butter. Afterwards I was STILL hungry, so I chowed down on a Luna bar.

While shopping, however, I decided to try on a bikini- pretty much just to see how my tattoo would look with it. As I stared in the mirror I couldn't believe what I saw. Because truth be told, it wasn't me. My sister asked me to come out and show her and I refused. It was then that I realized that I don't like this body. If I am too ashamed to show my sister my bathing suit, how will I be able to go to the beach and enjoy myself this summer?! It's impossible! So for the rest of the day when I felt hungry and began thinking of the lowest calorie things to eat, I stopped for a second and remembered that girl looking back at me in the mirror.

Needless to say that the rest of my day included Lara bars, a panera bread bagel (for a snack!), coffee ice cream, a "calorie-mystery" bean salad, and lots and lots of peanut butter. But you know what? I felt WONDERFUL! My sister is SUCH a good role model when it comes to food! At dinner last night we sat with a bunch of people who were talking about the high number of calories in the Whoopie Pie that they were all eating. My sister also had one, and didn't CARE about it! Afterwards she went to see how many calories were in it, and shrugged her shoulders and said "it was worth it". And trust me...she meant it! That wasn't the end of her eating for the rest of the night =P

I wish I could go into more detail about my weekend, but let's just say that not only did I AVOID the gym, I also avoided all school work =]. Oh..I'm such a good college student!

Have a wonderful Sunday evening girls!!

Family weekend.

2009-04-03T20:27:00.002-04:00

Well..not really. But my sister is coming in about 45 minutes and we are spending the entire weekend gossiping and shopping and being sisters and best friends! <3 I truly can not wait.

Just a few pictures to keep you gals going.

"Kid-Tested, LAURA-Approved!"

Sweet P's, Chobs, CC, LC, Hummus (notice there are shorter versions of everything but hummus? Also..LC=LaughingCow=LauraCarr) =]

I was one of the lucky ones to receive this coupons! I just purchased some Vanilla and Honey Oikos, so I'll be doing a review as soon as I give it a taste!

Free samples and a flier for LunaFest. My school hosted one last Wednesday, but I went to a memorial instead.
By the way, did anyone notice that the ingredients in the peanut butter chocolate Luna Cookie and the PB Z-bar are basically identical +/- an ingredient or two!?

As for me...I've been doing okay. School is still stressful, and I had another not-so-good appointment due to that stress. But this past week has been AMAZING food-wise, and I'm going to be confident going to that appointment on Monday!

Have a wonderful weekend girls!!

<3

Today.

2009-03-31T08:19:00.001-04:00

Today I challenge myself…to not lift up my shirt every time I pass by a mirror. To eat what I crave instead of what I feel I SHOULD have. Today I challenge myself to smile a little more, and worry a little less- to open my eyes to the wonders of the world, beyond the stress that comes with food. Today I challenge myself to forget about my weight, and worry about numbers that really matter- likes grades, music chords, and math equations. Today I challenge myself to be confident, no matter what I am doing -to live according to me, and my plan- not ED and his. Today I challenge myself to stop calorie counting, to stop making excuses, and to try to remember who I was before the disorder. Today I challenge myself to call my family, my friends, and talk about what they want to talk about. Today I challenge myself to a cookie, or an ice cream cone, or any other dessert that my tongue pleases. Today I challenge myself to lift weights instead of run, to remember that my body is a temple, not a slave. Today I challenge myself to listen to music that motivates me, to be a little less uptight and a little more carefree. Today I challenge myself to smile at a stranger, compliment a friend, and hug an acquaintance.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

What will you do?

(Got Granola?)

So that's what I've been up to.

2009-03-28T16:24:00.006-04:00

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. But I have been up to MANY new and exciting things. Some good..some bad..some still up for judgement! I was planning on going into a decent amount of detail, but I have so much studying to do, and gorgeous weather just WAITING to be appreciated. So I'll make this a more "picture-fied", yet thorough, post. But first-

[To all of the girls who commented on my blog for the first time last post, thank you! I wish I had time this weekend to personally comment back, and read all of your blogs, but as you will soon understand and find out- my life is a little too hectic now to take the time to do that! If I do manage to find a few minutes here and there, I'll take a look! But I just wanted you all to know how incredible it felt to read such genuine and heart-felt comments from girls who I don't even know. You all seem absolutely amazing <3 ]

Now let's begin with last Tuesday-

I got my grade back for Chemistry. I failed, and after a long discussion with my advisor, decided it would be in my best interest to drop the course. This brings me down to 10 credits, meaning I am technically a part time student. This also puts me a year behind in my major (dietetics).
After much, MUCH thought...I realized a few things. 1. The nutrition classes are not helping my recovery process. 2. Prior to having an ED, nutrition wasn't on my mind. I loved animals, and nature, and LIFE. 3. I think I might enjoy majoring in Environmental Science.

So now I don't know what I'm doing with my life. However, I do know what I'm doing with my RESIDENTIAL life next year!! I managed a few, ahem, "connections", and landed a spot in the Junior/Senior suites next semester!! Hilltop Suites here I come!!:

Two 3-person rooms are attached by a bathroom which includes a shower, toilet, and sink. There's also a kitchenette down the hall, a HUGE lounge with a big screen tv, and it overlooks the turf and track (as you can see). I am SOUPED!

I've also been trying new foods recently. And although I'm a little upset that no one FORCED me to have laughing cow before, I'm extremely obsessed.

We ran out of knives...
**Phone Pictures Alert**

Definitely not a good choice for breakfast.
but.
Definitely tasty!

I ate something green.

____________________________________
Let's break for Story Time!
So, I was at the library today, standing in line at the cafe to purchase the previously pictured Odwalla bar, when I overheard two girls talking about a friend of there's who recently "recovered" from an eating disorder. I say "recovered" because they were talking about her weight gain, not about her mental health. Well, one girl was telling her friend about a conversation she had with the "recovered" girl, which consisted of her being afraid that she was so noticeably fat now. Well, the other girl couldn't BELIEVE she would think that. She said that she could hardly tell that she had gained any weight, all she could tell was how much more beautiful she was now.

So you see girls. Health DOES = beauty. Not just in our eyes, but in everyone else's too.
_____________________________________

As the weather gets warmer, I find myself spending more time outdoors. Whether it be studying outside, hanging out with friends, or going on excursions, I just LOVE the fresh air and the ability to walk about and enjoy the world around me!

Now I'm not sure how many of you girls can relate, but as the weather begins to warm up, my food preferences change DRASTICALLY! I can (proudly!!) say that I've been eating ice cream on a regular basis, more cold cereal in the morning, lots of yogurt and popcorn and cheese and SALSA! But sadly, my craving for "heavier" foods has decreased. I just don't crave peanut butter or oatmeal or anything along those lines! At least...not as much. So I'm trying to find a comfortable place with these things, which is difficult but extremely doable. And reading this quote has helped my tremendously-

Yes, you've seen this before. This is the quote that my friend sent me earlier this week. But I wanted to take a (readable) picture for all of you to see. It's hanging on my wall to the left of me (when I'm laying on my bed) and every morning I read it to myself. "The greater a man's fear, the greater his potential courage." How incredible. How uplifting and inspiring and absolutely true. We all fear this disorder. We fear the loss of control, and change. But the more we fear, the more potential courage we possess. So take that courage and run with it! Show the world how strong, indomitable and UNCONQUERABLE you are! Because not only do every single one of you are possess those qualities, but you possess so so much more.

<3

A mish-mash of topics all needed to be said.

2009-03-24T18:58:00.004-04:00

Warning: this post is not going to be organized.

I have too many topics that I want to touch upon in order for this to be organized. So I appologize. I actually think I am going to number it...for my own sanity.

1. I forgot to mention how much of an impact everyone's comments made on my take of gaining weight. I'm not sure WHO mentioned it, but someone said that "there is no upper limit when trying to gain weight" and this has been stuck in my head over the past few days and has helped me a lot. This is absolutely true, and repeating it to myself has made eating more seem much easier! So thank you to everyone for those amazing comments! I only get concerned when I eat too much at once because I didn't eat enough throughout the day. I want to make sure that I am gaining weight in a structured manner, that way once I reach a point where I can start cutting back, I will already have "re-learned" how to eat. Does this make sense?

2. I've been doing very well over the last week. I've challenged myself to foods I would never IMAGINE allowing myself to eat (ie. bagels with peanut butter, wraps over 500 calories, cookies, etc) and it honestly has never felt so amazing! I was almost positive that I had gained weight, yet when I went to the doctor yesterday I found out that I was stable. This is definitely a good thing, and my doctor was pleased because I told her how hard I was trying, but this is really an eye-opener in regards to showing myself how MUCH I can eat.

3. Now, this relates to #2. I have found that when I eat these "higher-calorie" foods, and then I come look at blogs, I begin to feel guilty for eating them. I think my eating disorder likes to compare how MUCH I eat to what everyone else is eating. It's difficult right now, because everyone on here is at a different point in their recovery- some trying to gain, some trying to maintain, and some trying to lose (not at a good point!). So I may try to spend less time around the blogs for a little while- for my own health. I'll still be checking in and updating, but I just don't want you girls thinking I totally bailed on you! I'll still be here...but I need to focus on myself for a little while, and on school (which honestly is going terribly...but I don't want to think about that at this point).

4. I had anothing slight "realization" over these past few days that I thought I would share with you girls. I was eating dinner with my friend and we both decided to get cookies for desert. As we were sitting down eating them, my friend looks at her's and puts it down. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she simply didn't like it- and she wanted ice cream instead. I smiled and said "okay, then go get ice cream!" but while she was gone I really began to think. Every since my eating disorder began, I kind of lost touch with my ability to determine the differences in food. It's hard to explain, but to me- a cookie is a cookie. I don't eat a cookie and really think about the flavor and compare it to OTHER cookie's I've had in the past. Instead, I accept it as a cookie, a sweet treat, sometimes a FORBIDDEN treat, and that's that. I simply want to be able to TASTE food again. To have preferences and the ability to determine differences in flavors. I know it will come, and it's starting to, but I really can't wait until I have that back again!

5. As many of you may remember, this past summer I attended a Partial Hospitalization Program. I only stayed for roughly a week, however while I was there I formed a bond with one of the girls. She is one of the sweetest, smartest, and most genuine person I have ever met, and I truly consider myself blessed to have ever been able to meet her. Well, recently we have been talking a lot- about recovery, this blog, our lives, and especially what has helped us through the hardest of times. We both discovered that making bracelets was an excellent form of therapy. It's a way to keep our hands and minds busy, a way to relax, be creative, and prove to ED that we are capable of creating something out of nothing- proving to him that we are more than our eating disorder.

Well, when I went downstairs to get the mail today I had a package waiting for me. I opened it up and look what it was: (!!!!!!)

Colored hemp!
I had mentioned that I couldn't find it anywhere, and there was nowhere around UConn that supplied crafts such as this, so she agreed to send me some. She also included an inspirational quote and amazing letter on the back (which brought me to tears). For confidentiality reasons, I'm not going to mention her name- but if she is reading this I want her to know that she has changed my life. She has made me such a strong person and I would not be the person I am today without having met her. She made that week at PHP bareable, and gave me someone to look up to. Thank you so much for all of this, we are definitely going to be in each other's lives forever and I can't wait until I come home so we can get together <3

I hope everyone has a wonderful night, and a wonderful day tomorrow!
<3

Oh, and don't forget to enter the Quaker Giveaway by Wed. at 5pm!

A burial...

2009-03-22T10:33:00.002-04:00

...of ED's best friends!
I've spent the last few days debating whether or not to "waste" these products. But then I realized that it is better to trash them than to continue feeding into ED. So yesterday I said goodbye to the "Light" products and hello to a diet filled completely with whole, REAL foods!

After our "funeral" in which NO tears were shed, I sat myself down to do some Chemistry! See my little set-up?-

And of COURSE there is a snack to get it all started! Brain food!!

I really really love these bars, and I'm not sure why! I smash them prior to eating so they are flatter and take longer to ingest. Yum =]

_____

Okay, so this morning I was reading our lovely Brooke's blog, and she mentioned how, as she becomes less and less restrictive with eating, she becomes more restrictive in other areas of her life such as shopping. After reading this I immediately made a connection to my life that I have been trying to figure out for over a year. My old therapist and I used to talk about my money spending habits..or rather, lack-there-of. Ever since my eating disorder began I have been extremely concerned with how much money I spend- whether it be shopping, gas money, or just buying a cup of coffee. I always explained it as being SCARED to spend, but Brooke's post made me realize that the feeling I get when I spend a lot of money is the same feeling I get when I eat over my "regular daily intake". What does this all mean? I'm not quite sure yet. I have realized that when I am more restrictive with my eating, I am much less restrictive with my money-spending...which can be extremely difficult to work with, however, it can be a more obvious sign to myself that I am being restrictive with my food.

So it seems that I am always going to need SOMETHING in my life to control...in the restrictive way. At least until I am able to sort everything out. But I'm interested to see if I can find something else to restrict, something that is less harmful, and actually useful. That way I can focus my "restricting energy" on that, and allow the freedom to flow when it comes to food.

I hope this doesn't sound TOO crazy.

<3 Enjoy this BEAUTIFUL Sunday everyone!

A challenge day. [EDITED TO ADD]

2009-03-20T09:39:00.004-04:00

I AM LOVING TODAY!!!
First of all, after my "larger than normal" breakfast, I indulged (positively!) in a 3 hour nap! Followed by errands to the pharmacy and market, and then lunch at our Organic Dining hall. Now GET THIS GIRLS! Lunch included- a salad with carrots, black beans, pinto beans, and balsamic. A sandwich on wheat with hummus and lettuce. AND one scoop of chocolate + one scoop of vanilla Tofutti Ice Cream!!! HELL YEAH! I wasn't even hungry for the ice cream, but everyone I was with was getting some, and I've never had that brand, and what the hell right?
I feel so IN CONTROL over this. Eating structured meals is making me feel wonderful and free! I never would have imagined...
=D

______________________________

No pictures, sorry!
I just wanted to let all of you girls know that every single one of your comments brought a smile to my face. I don't mention it often, but every time I get an email saying that I have a new comment, my spirit is lifted just a little more. Each thoughtful comment is appreciated SO much and I could never begin to thank everyone enough for the inspiring words and heartfelt comments that have been left on every single one of my posts. This community means so much to me, and I wish I could do SOMETHING to show you girls how much it really DOES mean to me. So thank you <3

Just as all of you said...today is a new day, and it's a MUCH better day. I decided to challenge myself today. Normally I get caught up with just grazing all day. It's a bad habit that I got into once I began recovery. I'm comfortable with it because I don't get really really hungry, but I never get full either. I also don't take in enough calories throughout the day. So this morning I woke up with a plan. It's simple, but I'm going to eat three GOOD meals, and 3 dense snacks. I almost bailed out on the way back from class this morning, telling myself that I just felt like a granola bar for breakfast, but I was able to separate this (ED) thought from MY thoughts, and waltzed right into the dining hall and plated myself some scrambled eggs, toast, and an apple. With coffee+soymilk of course!! It was delicious...yet I was still hungry. So I had some cottage cheese and felt satisfied. I didn't count calories, or pay attention to serving sizes. I just took what I felt like, and what I was hungry for...and that's that. I can tell today is going to be a MUCH better day than yesterday...

Have a wonderful day everyone!

10 minutes and I still can't think of a title.

2009-03-19T16:21:00.003-04:00

Today is a roller coaster of a day. I keep getting these "high's" followed by extreme "low's" and I'm not really sure why. Actually, that's not true...I have some idea, and it has to do with overeating last night and feeling miserable about it. I know it's in the past, and there is nothing to do but look forward. However on top of eating a stomach-turning mixture, our dorm room also got unbearably hot so my night was spent sweating and trying my hardest to fall back to sleep. Only to wake up to rain and another day of trying to increase my calories and decrease my exercise. It's been really tough, and admitting that is difficult for me because I so often throw a smile on my face and pretend that I'm okay with everything. Today however, I find myself taking it out on others around me, as well as myself. And I'm hoping that by typing this I will be able to clear my mind, realize that life goes on- tomorrow will come and I won't have that "last-night guilt" lingering over me, and I will soon forget about this.

Before I continue, I want to share what I received in the mail the other day: Samples from YouBar! How generous were they? They sent me samples of both their bars AND their protein powders! Can you believe I've never had a protein shake before!?

Of course I couldn't wait, and immediately tore into the Great Date with Chocolate!

Opinion: I remembered hearing a few people mention that the chocolate flavor didn't shine through with this bar, but I thought exactly the opposite! All I could TASTE was chocolate! It reminded me of a mix between a brownie and a Clif Nectar bar...but regardless, it was sticky and chewy, and kept me satisfied for over 2 hours! That's some staying power! Plus, it has 8g of protein and 35% calcium! If the rest of the bars are this good, I'll definitely be creating my own!

I'm a little skeptical about the bar that's called "Bored In Iraq Bar-Horst ". It has an extremely lengthy ingredient list and seems to have every ingredient possible thrown in! It's on the larger side too, but the first 3 ingredients are dates, peanut butter, and walnuts. PLUS you only live once right?! I'll let you girls know once I try it!!

Thank you so much YouBar!!
______________________________
I was planning on typing more about my day, and trying to sort things out that are going on in my head...however I'm really not in the mood, and a shower sounds much more appealing to me right now. Have a wonderful evening everyone, and I'm sorry I'm not my typical self!

<3

"Yes...I am lying"

2009-03-17T12:45:00.006-04:00

Not to you girls of course, but to people in my life.
Not in a bad way though.
Lying? Good? WHAT!?!
That's right, I've been lying to my friends in order to benefit myself.
It's a simple fib. They ask me "What do you feel like doing?" or "Where do you feel like eating?"
I answer-
"It Doesn't Matter to Me!"
Well of COURSE ED wants it to matter. ED has a plan, a preference, a routine. But I tell them that I don't care, it doesn't matter, whatever THEY want.
And you know what? Life gets a little better.
I promise you.

I am in a WONDERFUL mood! Even WITH a doctor today. It's beautiful outside, I have a wonderful busy day ahead of me, my room has a new setup so I am facing the beautiful outdoors, I'm listening to some upbeat music, drinking some caffeinated soda, and just CHILLING in my room. Making bracelets of course! I'm going to let pictures do most of the talking again...simply because they CAN!

(they have these in our Organic Dining Hall! Along with tofutti sour cream. CrAzY stuff!!)

You know the drill!

2009-03-15T17:51:00.004-04:00

Quick Back-to-school food post before I begin my night of chemistry, and of course, the Amazing Race!!

I'll let the pictures do (most of) the talking!

(Please note the bottom right)

Hot cocoa, oatmeal, cream of wheat, PB GALORE!

Bars Bars Bars Bars Popcorn Ritz Bars Bars Bars...

Blah. For my coffee...

Bad picture. Too much food.

Cheese, Greek Yogurt, Peanut Butter, Salsa, Veggie Meat, Silk.

I took over the freezer....veggies burgers, Vitatops, greek yogurt.

Cottage Cheese, WHITE sweet potatoes.

My drug!

That's all, that's all.
Ben says hi.
=]

Modernizing.

2009-03-14T19:11:00.004-04:00

Apparently it's the new "thing" to change all of the pepsi-product designs?

I'm not so sure I like it. I guess the sierra mist design isn't too bad...but the Pepsi one is just so bland!

There isn't much to this post. Just a few pictures that I've been meaning to post! I have a lot to do tonight before I head off to school in the morning. Here is some of the stuff I'm bringing back with me:

PLUS
+Corn Vitatops
+Greek Yogurt
+Cottage Cheese
+String Cheese
+Vanilla Soy Milk
+Vanilla Ensure (...yum...)

And lastly!

SEE THAT ANGER?!?!

Have a lovely night!!

EDITED TO ADD!!!

1. Amy brought this to my attention:

Obama+Pepsi=too similar? Perhaps!

Also

I'm not angry at what the scale is telling me PERSAY, I'm angry that society has led us to believe that the number on the scale is telling us who we are as a person! A number doesn't define us, never forget that!!!!!

Wait...Which train am I on?

2009-03-13T09:35:00.003-04:00

Yes, Jaime will be disappointed, but I got on the wrong train. Rather, the right train in the wrong direction. So here I am, just chilling at South Station waiting for the 10:25 train back. However, I did have time to grab some breakfast at Au Bon Pain and write another post for everyone! I somehow found my motivation to post over vacation. Actually..I'm going to take a phone picture of where I am right now, just so you have SOME visual prior to this lengthy post!!

Something tells me they like their Pepsi here....I hope they don't mind if I pull out my coke right about now...

Anyways...

I wrote this earlier when I couldn't find wi-fi, but now that I'm connected I'm going to do a little copy-paste action:

So I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I began thinking about two options that I have to choose from during this process of recovery. I call them “Little High- Big Low” or “Little Low- Big High”. They may seem kind of obvious to you, but writing them down and really thinking about them seems to make me more aware of the choices I make and what’s really important.

Option #1. Little High- Big Low

Little High- This is the “high” that I get when I listen to my disorder. That moment of gratitude that lasts, literally, just that moment. This is when ED tells me “Laura, if you don’t have that cookie after lunch then I’ll allow you coffee this afternoon. And you know how much you enjoy the extra calories from that milk when you know it’s not making you gain weight. If you eat that cookie, AND drink that coffee…oh god. Make room for a WHALE!” So I skip the cookie and have the coffee, and I get a little “high”. I’m feeling pretty good about myself for listening to ED. But then comes…

Big Low- This is the big picture. This is everything that happens from the point that I “skip the cookie” to the end of my days. So I decided to skip that cookie, then the next day lunch time rolls around and ED tells me “Laura…come on, you didn’t have a cookie yesterday and you DON’T want to eat more than yesterday. So skip the cookie again today. And while you’re at it you don’t need cheese on that sandwich. If you skip the cheese I’ll let you have a coffee AGAIN today. Remember how much you enjoyed it yesterday?” But then it keeps on going. My ED likes to compete with itself and make sure that each day I’m not eating more than the day before. So if I skip something one day, each day will just get worse and worse. From there I’ll start losing weight, missing out on key vitamins and minerals, and probably end up in the hospital. If I end up in the hospital my parents won’t pay for me to go to school far away, and I’ll lose a lot of my friends, and basically the life I know. And that’s only if I just end up in the hospital! My life is at risk, and I can’t forget about that…

Option #2 Little Low- Big High

Little Low- This is the negative feeling that I get when I increase my calories, or eat that extra cookie. I begin to feel like I have failed, like I am about to blow up like a balloon. But this feeling doesn’t last long, which is why it’s considered a “little low”. I soon forget about this feeling, on most days, and each morning I wake up ready to begin a new day. In the moment it’s extremely difficult to handle. I often feel as if everyone around me can tell that I ate a HUGE lunch, and therefore thinks less of me.

Big High- THIS IS MY FUTURE! This is what I get for pushing through the little low’s. This is my college graduation, my first job, my first home, my husband, my children, my proud parents. These are the people that I will help, the lives I will change, and the world I will live in. This is what really matters.

I choose option #2.

She said "I think I'll go to Boston"..

2009-03-12T07:40:00.003-04:00

That's right, I'm off to visit my friend in Boston this morning. She goes to Northeastern and it was a very "spur of the moment" decision! I'm extremely excited! She just loves showing me around the city, and there is never a dull moment!

I also wanted to thank everyone who commented on my video post. I'm extremely self-conscious and it took a lot for me to post that. But thank you for the positive comments, I'm not ALWAYS that much of a spaz...I promise! Just in front of the "camera".

But now it's time to be honest.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and it didn't go very well. I'm at my lowest weight and they are concerned that if I can't get my weight up, they aren't going to allow me to stay in school. This scares me SO much. I love being in school, and at this point I'm going to do anything to stay in school. I got blood work done to check my thyroid, because I've been eating a lot yet never seem to feel satisfied....which could obviously be just because my weight is low but I guess it can't hurt just to check. My doctor is also sending me information on Residential Programs for over the summer. She said I don't need to decide right away, but it would be a good idea to get in contact with someone in case I do decide to give one of them a try.

So I'm wondering if any of you girls could recommend any programs. My doctor spoke VERY highly of Princeton, which I know a few of you girls have gone too. She mentioned a few others but I can't remember the names right now. This is scary to me, so any information would be greatly appreciated.

I'll leave you with a new bar for me. It's funny, because at the beginning of the school year my roommate would always grab a balance bar when she was hungry and I (ED) would look at her and swear that I would never have one. 200 calories? God forbid! Well...I kicked ED to the curb and bought this baby-

Sorry...it's a cell phone picture.
My opinion? Delicious!!! Normally I'm not a fan of this kind of textured bar (too protein-y bar for me) but the fact that the outside was coated in a peanut butter flavored WHO KNOWS WHAT was just what I needed. It was very sweet, and yeah...kind of artificial, but it was tasty and packed a punch regarding vitamins and minerals...which is what my body needs right now!!

That's what I'm kind of confused about actually. At the beginning of the school year, when I was in a better place weight-wise (not mentally), I would NEVER touch one of these bars, and I longed for the day that I would allow myself to eat peanut butter, and yogurt? YEAH RIGHT! I've eaten pizza and eggs and all of these foods that I wouldn't eat before. So I feel as if I've moved forward mentally (only slightly of course!) but my weight isn't proving that to the doctors. It's extremely frustrating.

I'm sorry about this long post! I'm off to Boston! I'll be bringing my laptop so comments will be read, and I'll try to stay updated- otherwise I'm just going to let loose and enjoy my friends company! (Jaime, we're going to be in the same city! WOOT!)

<3

Well this is awkward..

2009-03-11T10:21:00.002-04:00

One more time!

Love Quaker? Click here!!

Changes

2009-03-08T13:43:00.002-04:00

Let me explain my lack of posting...

The last time I came home, I came home to my mom, my dad, my dog, and my bird. That was all that was residing in our household.
However, this time I came home to my mom, my dad, my sister, two cats, a dog, a bird, and a fish. Now mind you, I do not live in a big house by any means. After all, it is only one floor. And I know a lot of people live with many more kids, but I'm just not used to having cats constantly in my face, and someone always around!

As for my sister. Well, last week she called me to say that she was going to be breaking up with her fiance! She's been with him for over 3 years, and they've been living together for almost TWO!! It was completely out of the blue, and I'm still trying to get used to her living at home again, and not seeing him....because he was definitely one of my best friends.

So basically, it's been madness since I came home. My mom is stressed out about the cats because they get into everything, my dad is trying to fix everything that mysteriously broke in our house, my sister is going between work and home and trying to hang out with me every minute of every day, and I'm here just trying to relax for a week! But I must say, I've been eating really well since I got home. I've also been spending a lot of time out of the house with my friends, so I think that maybe this change of routine is actually helping me keep my mind off of myself. Who knows!!!

ALSO

I just wanted to mention this before I run (by run...I mean ERRANDS GALORE!!)
I joined a gym at home today. It's one week free and it's more of a day club sort of thing. They have a jacuzzi and yoga and a fitness center and basically anything you can want! Well...included in that list is also a scale. Now, as you girls probably remember, I gave up weighing myself about a two months ago...mainly because the scale went MIA at school. But it had been a stressful few weeks, but things got easier and I began to follow what I craved, and just tried to listen to my body. And yes, there were times when I OVER ate, and felt guilty (although I try my best not to!). Those were times when I would be worried about gaining (silly...because I need to!!). But I ate things that I never would have imagined eating before (sandwiches on bagels, packs of cookies, big girl clif bars, etc). So knowing that I could weigh myself today made me extremely curious. So I did. And you know what? Two months of NO weighing, and the number didn't budge one bit. Wait...what? ED? You were WRONG!?!? That's a surprise...

This comforted me to a certain extent. I mean, I know I still need to make progress, but auntie flow visited me again this weekend, and I've been eating a lot of fear foods and trying to listen to my body, and all the while I thought "wow, I MUST be gaining weight. I didn't exercise today and I ate SO much". But once again, ED was a bastard (excuse me) and has been lying to me for a good 2 months. Thanks BUD!

Pictures and updates and the whole SHABANG are coming, I promise! But I've got things to do so I'll "see" you girls later! Enjoy your Sunday!!

<3

Where did it go?!

2009-03-04T15:11:00.006-05:00

My motivation to update is MIA! I've been looking everywhere but it's yet to be found!

However!

I did manage to spot just enough motivation to post a few pictures and make a few comments!

=P

FIRST
My roommate told me the other night that she was CRAVING chocolate! So I fixed her this:

Am I good or am I good?!?! Can you believe that she NEVER had oatmeal before I made it for her. Now she will only eat it if I make it!! In this mix:
1 packet instant quaker oats
2/3 cup chocolate soy milk
2 TBS Dark Chocolate Dreams pb (one melted and mixed in, one on top)
A hand full of Mocha M&M's.

SECOND
I have just been CRAVING peanut butter lately, and putting it on everything!
From sandwich thins-

To Vitamuffins-

And even on an apple....which, err, is currently in my stomach.
I haven't had that combo in YEARS, and I forgot how refreshing it was! It's a lot lighter (the way it sits in my stomach I mean!) than having it on bread or in oatmeal!

THIRD
I had a not-so-good incident last night that I thought I would share with you girls. It wasn't self-destructive in any way, but instead it was one of those moments where I was asking myself "what's wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?!" WHILE I was doing it.

Let me explain.

My plan last night was to go to the gym around 4:30 with my friend, then walk over to Yoga around 6. It's a relaxation/breathing/meditation yoga, so I love going there right after a good workout. Then after that I was going to go with my friend to a club meeting that she belongs too.

Well, when I got to the gym around 4:30, they swiped my card and told me that I had a hold on it, and I would need to go to the Bursars office in order to pay before they let me into the gym.
Enter: Anxiety.

I could INSTANTLY feel my chest tighten, and my anxiety RUSHING towards me. This would mess up my whole routine, my ENTIRE plan. I had a plan. Now it was altered and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. So I called my mom and started to get upset at her, and ANGRY at her for this. It wasn't her fault, and I am so embarrassed to admit to this! I got frustrated and ended up hanging up and running across campus to try to pay. But once I was there they said that I needed a credit card in order to pay the fee. So once again I called me mom and started tearing up (oh gosh...) and honestly almost having a panic attack. To make a long story short, she ended up being able to pay it online, but it would take a few hours for my card to begin working again.

Once I realized that I wouldn't be going to the gym, I also realized something extremely important. I wasn't stressing because I couldn't go to the gym (like I would have imagined), I was stressing because my routine was being changed, and the night wasn't going to work out as I had planned.

I ended up calling my friend who was supposed to meet me there, to explain to her why I wasn't there. But turns out she had forgotten her shoes back at her dorm, and was just going to go to the gym after the meeting tonight, so she wouldn't feel rushed. I asked to join her and she (obviously) said of course!
____________
Now, I'm not really sure what I am looking for, in terms of a response or comments. I'm just kind of upset at myself for acting the way that I did...but I know it was my anxiety, and not my eating disorder. My doctor offered to increase my anxiety medication, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. I feel like this is a HUGE road block in my recovery, and I really want it to be minimized as much as possible!

<3

EDITED TO ADD

You girls love your giveaways, I think we ALL know that!! So check out the giveaway going on at Foods That Fit !!!

The most attractive.

2009-03-03T10:11:00.003-05:00

Girls, I can't even begin to explain how comfortable I am right now! No, I'm not lounging around in my pj's, or laying in my bed, or even IN my room. Instead, I'm at a little organic dining hall on the other side of campus. It's unlike any other dining hall that I've been! It reminds me of a little, serve-yourself-diner. There are quotes on the walls such as "Food is our common ground, a universal experience" (James Beard) and "Laughter is the brightest where food is best" (Irish Proverb).
I got out of my exam early and had time to kill so I decided to check this place out, and it's SO comfortable here!! I'm just sipping on my...er...3rd cup of coffee, and updating the blog! It's so small and intimate that I'm not the only one on my laptop here!! The plates and mugs look like something I would use at home and...ahhhh I'm in love!! Plus, they serve mainly organic food here and a LOT of vegetarian and vegan food. Although I'm not eating this time around, I will definitely be coming back here!
I did manage to snap a picture for all of you on my phone though. Yes I got weird looks but I just NEEDED to show you gals-

Brace yourself for the Oatmeal Bar!

From top left going clockwise: Craisins, Granola, Chocolate Chips, Raisins, Walnuts, and Brown Sugar. And this is JUST the oatmeal bar, they have peanut butter and apple sauce and maple syrup and anything else you could want, elsewhere.
__________

Just a quick update- last night I had ANOTHER big girl Cliff Bar. And I have NEVER felt so good about it!! It was delicious and honestly..I was still a little hungry afterward! Laura? Hungry? Shocker. =p

And as for B who you are ALL so curious about- I'm not sure what to say!! He's extremely smart, and he's such a sweet heart. He's from Puerto Rico and he's a twin. It funny because he has trouble saying certain words...actually, he can't say Allegory for the life of him (he says "A-Leg-Or-E"). I just feel so comfortable with him, which seems to be the theme of the day huh?! It's nice to feel like that around someone again though. I feel like I can be myself around him, and I am. I think all of you girls would approve =] .
____________________________________
So what's with the title of my post!?
Well, I was watching the bachelor last night (don't even get me STARTED on THAT topic right now. I'm one angry girl!) and my friend Ben was in the room just kind of chilling and doing his homework. He's a wicked big goof, and can turn anything into a joke. Well, I'm not sure exactly what was said on the TV but he looked up and just said
"Those are the three most attractive things about a girl- the eyes, the smile, and the personality"
Wait...what? No weight? No body type, or figure? ED was FURIOUS, but I was quite the opposite. He made my night by saying this. The most attractive things about a girl are the things that are natural- Eyes can say so much, and when you're unhappy it shows. A smile is welcoming and genuine, and basically attractive even in the non-sexual way. I know I am naturally attracted to anyone with a good smile- even just in a friendly way. A smile means happiness, and why wouldn't you want to surround yourself with that? And personality, well we all know how important that is, but sometimes ED makes us focus SO much on other things, that we forget about our most important feature- the one that is hidden from strangers, and in our complete control. We are so so SO much more than this disorder, and sometimes it takes a good friend to make us realize this.

<3

A picture speaks a thousand words.

2009-03-02T10:52:00.003-05:00

I just want to start this post by saying that it is a possible trigger, so if you are not completely comfortable reading it, please do not feel obligated.

I know that I said I was going post more pictures of the formal, but once I saw them I wasn't really feeling it. Not only do I look terrible in them (it's not just my low self-esteem talking...I really do!) but I realized that these pictures really highlight a few body parts that remind me that I still have a lot of weight to gain. In fact, this picture in particular scared me a bit-

Now, I'm not sure if this is as bad as I'm making it seem...but I saw this picture and my jaw DROPPED. I was wondering where the hell my arm went?! I became angry at myself for seeing this picture and knowing that I was thinking about eating those stuffed shells all night. WHY was I so concerned about eating a "higher calorie" food when I NEED it?!

I know that I shouldn't be getting upset at myself, especially since I am working towards recovery, but I guess I got more upset at the fact that these pictures could have come out so much better had my arm not looked like this.

I'm sorry for posting this, but it's been bothering me a lot and I just needed to get it out in the open.

Oh...and for all you non-facebook gals who don't already know, I may or may not be in a relationship with this boy:

=)

That's all for this post. I have a snow day but also a LOT of work to do! I love you girls so much...for everything.

<3

Formal Me Up!

2009-02-28T14:17:00.006-05:00

First of all, my refrigerator likes to get cold and warm spontaneously, so it ended up freezing my blueberry Chobs unexpectedly! But only halfway, so you can see all the layers of blueberry goodness! It was so good!!

Secondly, as most of you know the Engineering Formal was last night, and I was absolutely terrified about it. But you know what? Everything worked out. Turns out he can't dance very well to "American music". He's from Puerto Rico, and their dances are a bit different than how we dance here! So we enjoyed each others company, enjoyed dinner (stuffed shells with ALFREDO sauce!!! It's been years for both of those...) and then ended up leaving early where we proceeded to sit in the lounge downstairs for a good two hours just talking. It was such a nice feeling. A comfortable feeling, which isn't something I get very often, especially in the company of someone else.

Before I left I did manage to get a picture of my dress for you all. Please note that my hair ended up being down, and I wore jewelry/makeup, so I didn't go looking exactly like this! But I feel like this dress makes me look like I'm getting ready to go Tango!! Ooh LALA!

Look at my beastly camera! I need to invest in a good quality PORTABLE camera!!!

Once B loads pictures of the formal itself I'll probably steal one to show you girls, because I know you're all dying to know who this boy is =P

As for today...it's basically wonderful. It's beautiful (and chilly) outside, which basically means I'm in a BEAUTIFUL mood!! Actually, I feel like this right now:

I was in the "little girls room" last night and I overheard a girl talking on the phone. Now, I'm not sure who she was talking to exactly, but she was asking them if they rememebered to get their cholesterol test done, and if they remembered to take their medicine. And I was just thinking to myself about how everyone has their own problems, and we just seem to get so wrapped up in our own. Here this girl was so concerned about this other person, making sure they are taking care of themselves. I'm not sure why it affected me so much...I guess it just made me realize that although we may think that our problems are the most difficult...they aren't. We have control over our future, when a lot of people with other diseases don't. I'm not really sure if what that girl was talking about over the phone has anything to do with that, but I somehow managed to make that connection. =]

Have a wonderful day everyone!!! Smile as MUCH as you can!!

EDIT!!

Want some free Barney Butter?!?! Visit Lucky Taste Buds!
Or
How about some Bars? x2!

A wonderful start to the day.

2009-02-27T09:26:00.004-05:00

Happy Friday everyone!!

My morning started out not too well. I woke up feeling under the weather, but once I got a good breakfast into me, things started to turn around. Maybe they were related?
I went to the dining hall for breakfast this morning, and decided that I felt like oatmeal. Now, normally I don't get dining hall oatmeal and put peanut butter on it because:
1. the oatmeal isn't measured...so I have no idea how much I have and
2. The pb only comes in 1.5 TBS packets. Which scares ED because that's more than I put on my normal oatmeal.

But I did it.
And now I have this satisfied feeling which I haven't had for MONTHS! (actually, I think I wrote about the last time I felt like this...and it was so long ago you probably don't remember!)

On another note..I'm a bit worried about the formal tonight. There's going to be dancing, and let me tell you girls something- I. Do. Not. Dance. I am just so uncomfortable dancing in front of people, and usually spend the time sitting at the table. But knowing how my date is, he's going to want to dance...and I'm terrified...

Just a few pictures before I begin my day! (agenda: weekly Big Y trip, gym, getting ready, formallll)

This is basically the extent that my school goes to in order to address NEDAW. But, it's something, so I really can't complain. And I got a free mini Luna out of it =]

New Bar Alert!!!
The verdict: although tasty and filling, this baby gave me the WORST stomach ache. So it's not going to be going on my shopping list.

Have a great Friday everyone!! And wear your PURPLE proud!!

This just in...

2009-02-26T12:27:00.004-05:00

Laura just had Barney Butter for breakfast....and LIKED IT!!
I've tried and tried to like an form of Almond butter, and with the exception of Naturally Nutty's Vanilla Almond butter, it's been a lost cause. However this morning I was in a hurry and needed something quick, so I grabbed my last individual packet of BB and threw it on a Sandwich thin and it HIT the spot!!! I was so proud of my tongue for liking it this time =]

As for this little fella- (which I tried to crop as much as possible since we know ED judges!)

I want to thank EVERYONE for your kind comments. I wasn't sure how everyone would react to it, but I'm glad there were no negative thoughts thrown around =]
Just to answer a few of your questions:
1. Yes, this is my first tattoo, and I completely understand why people say they are addicting now! However, I don't plan on getting any more.
2. It really didn't hurt! My roommate was in the room with me and she looked like a wreck! I was actually texting my friend while it was being done (something she can't understand HOW I did!)

I'm not sure if it's possible for a tattoo to give you confidence, but I can honestly say that ever since I got this I have been overflowing with it!! I'm not sure WHERE it came from...but I feel so free in regards to ED! I haven't been so focused on my body, or what I'm eating, but instead just listening to it. I think a little bit of that believing soaked through my skin!!! I'm not complaining!!

I will update more either later or tomorrow. Actually, remember that boy "B"? Well...I'm going to an Engineering formal with him tomorrow. So this little lady needs to get dressed up!

Have a terrific thursday!! <3

p.s. Want to win a free box of Jocalat bars?! Katie from Chocolate-Covered Katie is giving away a free box so be sure to check it out here!!!

Wednesday surprise

2009-02-25T18:14:00.003-05:00

Today has been such a hectic day! I'm actually sitting in the library right now trying to get my work done (after I catch up on blogs of course!) So don't think that just because I haven't been posting, that I haven't been staying updated on all of your girls lives!! =]

Well, in the note that my sister wrote to me she mentioned that a friend of her's had a cousin who recovered from an Eating Disorder, and in order to help her she got the word "Believe" tattooed on her write so whenever she saw it, she would be inspired. Well...

It's not my wrist, only because the man convinced me that if I wanted to work as a professional, it would be too big of a word to cover up. So I went for the hip. I took a picture and sent it to my sister and she was SO proud of me. She said her mouth dropped and it was the GREATEST surprise. But it wasn't just for her. It was for me and her, my recovery, our relationship, everything.

I wish I had more time, but there's studying to be done. I love you girls. <3

Fast like a RACEHORSE! EDITED!!***

2009-02-23T15:29:00.001-05:00

That's how quick this post is going to be!
I had my doctors appointment, and wouldn't you know your girl here is PACKING ON THE POUNDS!!! (Well...not exactly, but oddly enough I feel okay with that!)
I could start to hear ED poking his nose into my business, so I sent my friend saying "Weight gain! Holla!" (she is also an ED sufferer) and it honestly made me feel so much better!
I also sent my sister an update, because I KNOW she has a lot to do with this!

Annndddd you girls are in for a BIG surprise on Wednesday night...DUN DUN DUN!!

<3<3 Peace!

EDITED TO ADD-
This quote:

The worst part is over,
Now, get back on that horse and ride.

Sunday: Day of Rest.

2009-02-22T10:20:00.004-05:00

I honestly can not thank you girls enough for all of those wonderful responses about my sisters letter. I have been doing WONDERFULLY these past few days- with ED, with myself, with everything. I can't believe how much of an impact that letter has had on me, and I am feeling very good about my doctors appointment tomorrow.

However, for some reason I have found that when I ate foods that I normally wouldn't have, it was more comfortable for me to simply be happy about it, and move on. No pictures, no posts, just me eating those foods. That, on top of not having my camera cable, means no pictures of what I ate over the past few days. I am also extremely busy with all of my classes, so these posts are going to be pretty spontaneous, but I hope you girls will understand!!

I do have a few pictures that I uploaded a few days ago. The first one is just for kicks, and the second one....well....I'm not sure why I took it. But I need some pictures for you lovely gals!!

How weird is this apple?!

I feel like such an old woman with all of these 'medicines' and supplements.
Lactaid Tablets, Calcium pills, Zoloft, and yes....I chew my vitamins.

Oh, and I just found this picture that I took about 2 1/2 years ago. I thought I would share it with you! It's a butterfly and a bumble bee fighting (no insects were hurt in the taking of this photograph)

I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday, relaxes a little, and has a wonderful wonderful day! =]

Speechless.

2009-02-20T16:42:00.003-05:00

Girls, I'm in tears right now.
I woke up from a nap mentally and physically tired, but I had planned on going to the gym so I packed up my stuff and went downstairs to catch the bus. On the way out I decided to check my mailbox and found an orange slip indicating that I had a package waiting for me. Not wanting to miss the bus I figured I could just pick it up on Monday when the mail room opened again....but something told me that I needed to go back inside and find out who it was from.

The package was from my sister. I opened the box while standing at the bus stop, and read the first line of a letter as the bus was pulling up. I knew instantly that I wasn't going to the gym. I looked at the driver, apologized, and walked back inside.

Inside the box was a stuffed bear, and a
3 page note from my sister.

I really don't want to go into too much detail about what was in the note, but I just want to start off by saying that her and I don't really discuss my eating disorder. In fact, no one in my family does. So it's easy to live my life day by day not thinking that it truly affects anyone else but myself. However, her letter opened my eyes and broke my heart. She told me that she wants to go a day without thinking that she will never see me again, and she wants me to be the maid of honor at her wedding, and be the greatest aunt in the world, and spoil her child. She also wrote that she wants to be able to go outside in the colder weather with me and go sledding and ice skating- without me freezing to death after 5 minutes. I feel absolutely terrible, and dear I say it- guilty, for ruining plans every single time it's cold out because my body can't take it.

She said that she knows someone who's cousin recovered from an eating disorder, and that what helped her a lot was getting a tattoo of the word BELIEVE on her wrist, so that every time she looked at it she was reminded that she was in recovery. So, with this in mind, my sister sent me a Teddy Bear in hopes that whenever I look at it I will be reminded that she loves me, and wants me to recover and be happy and healthy- and one day not have to worry about everything I eat.

I don't even know what to say to her at this point. I'm overwhelmed with the most determination I've ever had. I'm overwhelmed because I didn't know that this bothered her so much. I'm overwhelmed because I feel like I've hurt my sister for over three years, and didn't even know it- how could I be so oblivious?

Dishes and Deep Thoughts...

2009-02-18T12:22:00.002-05:00

Well, right now I'm sitting in the Chemistry Cafe just waiting for 1:00 to roll around so I can head to the doctor. I'm a bit nervous, but not as nervous as I normally am. I am going to accept what she tells me, and if it calls for action then I am going to be sure to do it!!

Last night I had a snack that I've seen around the blogs for some time now, yet ED told me that I would never be "allowed" to have it. Well, you know what? Last night I was CRAVING it, so I opened my freezer- popped a chocolate vitamuffin in the microwave, and SMEARED White Chocolate Wonderful pb along the top.
I. Have. Never. Been. So. Happy.
It was incredible! ED really doesn't let me have very FLAVORFUL things, especially combination of things. Sometimes he tells me that something tastes good, even when it doesn't. So being able to combine flavors and enjoy it was truly an amazing feeling!!

Well, of course amazing feelings always come with their fair share of "guilt", at least...if ED has a say in it. Well, as I was washing my pile of dishes last night, I remembered something that Emily texted to me a couple of days ago- she told me that her new favorite line is "no guilt." You had an extra snack? No guilt. You had pasta instead of bread? NO GUILT! It's such a simple line, but it really helped me last night.

But I also began thinking, as I was scrubbing away, about the times that I DID take a little extra, or had an extra snack. And I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone, but I'm going to give it a try. Although on that specific day I stressed over the fact that I had, let's say, another bowl of cereal- looking back I can't remember those times that I had a little extra. I know when I actually ate it I felt bad, almost REGRET, but that feeling only lasted for that day. Chances are the next morning I woke up and forgot about it- and just focused on the day ahead of me (please note, I'm not talking about the days that you OVER ate, just the days when you ate a little more than usual.) HOWEVER, things I DO remember are the positives- my first slice of pizza after three years, that second cupcake I took, eating intuitively, having another bowl of cereal and feeling good about it. So my question is- why do I worry about regretting something when that feeling is only going to last a couple of hours? I know all of you are saying "well just don't regret it!" but sometimes ED just let's it linger. If the positives are what stays with me, then why not try to make more of them, and just LET myself take a little extra. The feelings won't last longer than that day.

This made SO much more sense when I thought about it! Ehhh, I'm sorry!

Have a good day though!

Dear ladies...

2009-02-17T19:58:00.003-05:00

You all CRACK me up! I mention balance bars, and mystery calorie bread, and being yourself...yet you are JUMP to find out about this boy I mentioned! Hell with the food, you want the GOOD stuff =P

Well....since it isn't really anything yet, I'm not going to go on a tangent about it...because I don't know who reads this (even him! He read the article) so let's just call him B for now (isn't that funny...more B's!). I've just been hanging out with him a lot and I am SUCH a positive person around him...I love the person I am when I'm with him. He's smart, and nice, and I'm pretty excited to have met him- regardless of where it ends up!! I spent some time with him today and honestly...today was an AMAZING day. Food wise I ate intuitively, and I ate well. I EVEN added peanut butter to my oats this morning!! Mighty Maple to be exact.....and I don't think I would ever turn back! This breakfast made me feel good ALL morning (hell...all DAY!)

Look at those knife lines....OH BABY!

Now...I'm not sure how many of you remember me mentioning that I didn't like melted peanut butter. Well...I'm proposing a swift change of statement/opinion.
I only like melted peanut butter when it is on my oats.
That's better... =]

Well, I just got back from Yoga (so wonderful!) and I'm about to hop in the shower. I'm trying my very best to keep up with your blogs but please forgive me if I fall behind- life is so hectic lately! And about those pins- my best friend who is currently going to Mizzou saw them and bought them....and she's sending them to me ASAP! So that's a picture of them on her bag! I can't wait to get them....I love me some CURVES!!

<3

Study Study Study!!!

2009-02-16T19:50:00.001-05:00

(These are pins that my best friend is sending me)

It's a B day!!!!

2009-02-16T11:40:00.003-05:00

1. FIRST of all, it's LEE'S Bday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!

But today's list of B's goes beyond this wonderful girls 19th birthday!!

2. Bad pictures and Balance Bars

I've never had a regular balance bar before...but I decided to try this Chocolate Cashew Balance Pure bar and I absolutely loved it!! It reminded me of a chocolate brownie Z-bar, but with a much shorter list of ingredients. In fact...this baby only has 8 ingredients- including cashews, soynuts, dates, cocoa, peanut oil, and salt. That's 6 right there!! It also has 9 grams of protein and 4 grams of fiber. Brain power baby!

3. Bread
I went to lunch today and they were OUT of all wheat bread (which they restocked as soon as I took the bread I was going to eat....and I don't waste!). So I opted for pumpernickel bread...but what's so weird about this choice? Well...this was the only bread there that DOESN'T have it's nutrition facts printed on the bag. It's a mystery-calorie piece of bread. And I took two. =]
There's fake ham under there somewhere, I swear!!

4. Boys
There might be this boy...

5. B(e) YOURSELF!
Why wouldn't you want to?! People are so much more appealing when they are THEMSELVES! Even (especially) if that means they are quirky and different. I get bored with repetition and ordinary....don't YOU?!

<3<3

But....where are all the pictures?

2009-02-15T19:11:00.002-05:00

Sorry! This is basically a pointless post. But I was having a pretty off day until I heard this song on the radio. And even though, yes it is country, it really put me in a good mood...so I thought I would share it with you all!

Otherwise, I have Chem GALORE to study for. So I'll be catching up on blogs when I can!!!

<3<3<3

Bags, Buys, and Valentines.

2009-02-14T12:55:00.007-05:00

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

I was greeted this morning by a gift from my parents! I know it's kind of corny, but it's a tradition that they always get something for my sister and I. This year was a little different though- my mom decided that getting me candy wasn't the best choice since I usually don't eat it (I TRY too). So instead she got me "snacks" from Trader Joe's, along with a CD of really relaxing music, since she knows I have been stressed lately. This present meant SO much to me because it's the first time she has gotten me a gift that is more personal than generic. Normally it's a heart shaped box of chocolate, but THIS time it just screamed Laura!

(Has anyone ever tried these before? They are such an interesting shape!)

I also gave my parents a gift this year. I really had no idea what to get them, so yesterday I decided to take a picture of my pup and I, have it framed, and give it to them with a card saying how much I love them. This is the picture I used:

It takes a lot to get a little dog to look at a camera =P

And now on to...

The Bag Tag!

I was tagged by the lovely Lauren, and to be honest I am the worst person for this! I guess I'm a terrible "girl" in the sense that I don't put much thought (or money) into choosing my bag. But I'm sure you all know the rules- so without further ado...I present to you my 15 dollar bag:

I didn't get a chance to update last night, so I thought I would share with you my findings (new and old) at Stop and Shop yesterday-

Chobs, Whipped CC, Nature's Promise veggie burger (?)

I FINALLY FOUND IT!!!! After looking EVERYWHERE, I finally spotted it at S&S and immediately put it into my basket (despite already having SO much Pb. Notice I didn't say too much =P )

These look good right? They aren't. Unless you like chomping on pure coffee beans...

The story behind this sandwich-
I have a LOT of trouble just eating a normal amount of peanut butter. Normally once I start eating it I really can't stop. But last night I REALLY wanted to try the Mighty Maple PB, so I decided to measure out two tbs, spread it on high cal bread, and enjoy a simple dinner. I ate it, enjoyed it, and felt content (and thirsty!). That PB is incredible!!! And I felt zero guilt for over-eating. Pb and I are becoming closer friends by the day!

Just to answer everyone's questions on the Hummus Chips-
My mom got them at a little grocery store in our town. It's called Dave's Marketplace, and I've seen a few stores throughout our state but I'm not sure if they are found anywhere else? The chips didn't taste like hummus at all! Actually, they tasted like very flavorful, very thin-&-crispy soy chips. I still highly recommend them =]

And one last thing! I went to see Mall Cop last night with my sister's fiance, and it was pretty funny! However, about halfway through there was a scene where a larger woman's shirt came up a little and you could see her stomach. Instantly the entire theater burst out with moans and groans and "ewwwww"s. I couldn't believe my ears! Since when is woman's stomach absolutely repulsing?! She wasn't OBESE, she just had more fat on her stomach than, apparently, the average person can accept. This really bothered me, and made think "no wonder woman are so pressured to be thin. If she isn't, she thinks MASSES of people will be repulsed and disgusted by her."

This is pretty sad...

HOWEVER!

I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Valentines day, spent with those you love. <3>

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

2009-02-13T13:25:00.003-05:00

Who's the humblest one of all?

My Humbles chips of course! Why are they called Humbles? Because they're made with the HUMBLE Chick pea =]
With olive oil, chick pea flour, and roasted red pepper- these chips were a hit!

Photo Shoot:

Being home just feels so comforting. I've just been lounging around for the most part- except this morning I had a doctors appointment in Providence- and I'll be honest, my doctor is worried about me. I've been doing a lot better at have structured meals- instead of overdoing it at night. But I guess it's not enough for my body....so now I'm making an effort to include more things into my diet. Hence the chips at lunch! (and maybe a bowl of cereal afterwards. =] )

The rest of my day consists of going to Target, Stop&Shop, and then hanging out with my sisters fiance. Yeah, we're pretty much best friends. Gotta love it!

Oh, and Jaime- look what my mom has been eating for the past few months! I saw them and instantly thought about you! They aren't pumpernickel, but they are close enough right?!

Oh and also, I tried overnight oats last night. I wasn't able to snap a picture, but I tried oats, vanilla extract, and a little sprinkle of splenda. I'm always a little scared to add toppings...or rather, ED doesn't want me to. But I think I'm going to try them again tonight and have a spoonful of pb with it tomorrow morning. Baby steps, right?

<3

I solved the mystery!!!!

2009-02-12T11:33:00.003-05:00

What mystery you ask? Why...I solved the mystery of the missing pecans!!!
Everyone has been asking- "where have all the pecans on the new Kashi Pumpkin Pie chewy bar gone?" Well...I have your answer!!

Onto my bar!!!!
I opened this baby up while I was studying for my Nutrition Exam this morning, and couldn't believe my eyes!! Now...if Kashi could only double the size of this....it would be the PERFECT bar. =)

Also, I wanted to share with you another study snack of mine- except I had this one at about midnight last night. A girl's got to get her fuel!!

Yep, that's oats with Nesquik! I had SUCH a chocolate craving, but didn't actually have any chocolate in the room. But then I remembered the Nesquik that I bought the other night (it's been so long since I've had this stuff!) so figured I would try it in oats. The verdict- AMAZING!

Alright, so it's only 11:40 in the morning and today I have already-

-Had 3 cups of coffee
-Taken two exams
-Stepped in 4 piles of mud, and 3 puddles
-Solved a mystery
-Walked into a door
-Had lunch
-Posted on my blog
-Received a valentine from a friend (he know's me so well doesn't he?!"

Please note the PEANUT lovers Kudos. =]

Lyrics of the day- Zox//7th Avenue Prophet

The only thing that I could find
Was a beat up cardboard sign that said "love will save us all".